she just uses me.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

For entertainment, validation, emotional tampon, drugs, etc. The relationship isnt there no matter how much i try to think positively despite being very well educated on her behaviors and patterns. I know most of why she does what she does and generally the thinking(mostly selfish) that goes behind it. So why do i still try to convince myself otherwise... staying positive is just making a fool out of me as she continually repeats tit for tat every outcome that has already happened based on our interactions. And even after getting up at the crack of dawn and being ditched being out in the cold for an hour... only i accept her apology and even suggest going out to get something to eat later. (she had stated something about going to her gmas for a while for something serious so i thought id be a nice gesture) As usual to be ignored as i always am going that route. She likes aloof but too much aloof and she feels abandoned but then when im more caring she just get engulfed. I cant win. I dont know what its going to take to make me walk away before my self respect is completely lost. The ___ed up part is i want to apologize for triggering her by trying to relay a gesture that i know engulfed her but i didnt think in the moment... man ___s upside down in my world thats for sure.

[Deeno02]

For entertainment, validation, emotional tampon, drugs, etc. The relationship isnt there no matter how much i try to think positively despite being very well educated on her behaviors and patterns. I know most of why she does what she does and generally the thinking(mostly selfish) that goes behind it. So why do i still try to convince myself otherwise... staying positive is just making a fool out of me as she continually repeats tit for tat every outcome that has already happened based on our interactions. And even after getting up at the crack of dawn and being ditched being out in the cold for an hour... only i accept her apology and even suggest going out to get something to eat later. (she had stated something about going to her gmas for a while for something serious so i thought id be a nice gesture) As usual to be ignored as i always am going that route. She likes aloof but too much aloof and she feels abandoned but then when im more caring she just get engulfed. I cant win. I dont know what its going to take to make me walk away before my self respect is completely lost. The ___ed up part is i want to apologize for triggering her by trying to relay a gesture that i know engulfed her but i didnt think in the moment... man ___s upside down in my world thats for sure.

Get out while you can... .Now.

[Raybo48]

I second that. 

Seriously do yourself a favor and get out before she does you more emotional harm.  If you have educated yourself (like I tried to) then you know there is nothing you can do to change her behavior pattern and you can't fix her now or ever. She needs to be willing to admit she has a problem and be willing to go into therapy, which isn't likely going to happen under your watch.   You have to think of yourself here and bail out now.  I read something somewhere about BPD people once and it's so true.  It went something along the lines of 'they got a long just fine before you met them and they will get along just fine after you are gone'.  If you are a fixer, an enabler, and an accommodator like me then you need to let that quote sink in and move on.   

[Deeno02]

I second that. 

Seriously do yourself a favor and get out before she does you more emotional harm.  If you have educated yourself (like I tried to) then you know there is nothing you can do to change her behavior pattern and you can't fix her now or ever. She needs to be willing to admit she has a problem and be willing to go into therapy, which isn't likely going to happen under your watch.   You have to think of yourself here and bail out now.  I read something somewhere about BPD people once and it's so true.  It went something along the lines of 'they got a long just fine before you met them and they will get along just fine after you are gone'.  If you are a fixer, an enabler, and an accommodator like me then you need to let that quote sink in and move on.   

Agree... I new NOTHING of this site or the illness until after she threw me away. Obviously something drew you here, run with it!

[SpringInMyStep]

I agree that you should get out now. The thing is, once you understand BPD, you see everything more clearly and through a different lense. It's like you understand their behavior on a different level.

I strongly believe that once you understand, there is no way to go back. You must realize that the relationship is not what you thought it was and just get out and start the healing process.

[fred6]

"they got a long just fine before you met them and they will get along just fine after you are gone".  

Yes, they'll be OK. It's too bad that we're not "just fine" after we've gone though... .

[Infern0]

One thing that's dawned on me the last couple of days is that by staying in contact and being supportive I'm actually not doing her any favors. Chasing ghosts we've talked about this man you and me have very similar stories and stuff.  Do what you are going to do but I think you've put in as much as you can, maybe time to accept it's just not gonna happen.

[Raybo48]

At a certain point in the relationship when the idealization stage is over and you are doing that crazy dance of push/pull  come here/go away all you are really doing is enabling their behavior while at the same time soothing your own abandonment fears.  Either way it's incredibly dysfunctional for both people.  I knew what I was doing when that was going on, but as we've all said it's an addiction as well so that's the hard part to walk away from. 

[christoff522]

For entertainment, validation, emotional tampon, drugs, etc. The relationship isnt there no matter how much i try to think positively despite being very well educated on her behaviors and patterns. I know most of why she does what she does and generally the thinking(mostly selfish) that goes behind it. So why do i still try to convince myself otherwise... staying positive is just making a fool out of me as she continually repeats tit for tat every outcome that has already happened based on our interactions. And even after getting up at the crack of dawn and being ditched being out in the cold for an hour... only i accept her apology and even suggest going out to get something to eat later. (she had stated something about going to her gmas for a while for something serious so i thought id be a nice gesture) As usual to be ignored as i always am going that route. She likes aloof but too much aloof and she feels abandoned but then when im more caring she just get engulfed. I cant win. I dont know what its going to take to make me walk away before my self respect is completely lost. The ___ed up part is i want to apologize for triggering her by trying to relay a gesture that i know engulfed her but i didnt think in the moment... man ___s upside down in my world thats for sure.

Sir, I thought I could get her back, I thought I could wait for her to be single... but it's false, its a lie. Don't hate her or anything (I don't think you do anyway) just realise that this is a disorder that nothing can cure, that she no longer sees you as she did before. She's eternally friendzoned you and is only remaining in contact because

a. she feels bad for hurting you

b. because you are still useful to her as "entertainment, validation, emotional tampon, drugs, etc"

She tried, and failed to sustain a relationship with you, maybe you werent as easy to walk over, or weren't as convenient for her, maybe you argued too much, were too old (as I was). Maybe she acted in haste by dumping you but had already detached. You cannot win her back brother. Trust me, I've worked at this for months, and it ain't gonna happen. You may continue to suffer for a while but one day, it'll just click. One will paint the other black and cut off all contact. Thats whats happened to me. Despite checking my phone to see if she's text, she hasn't and I'm NC with her myself now.

I recommend this, when you truly lose all hope, vent, send her a text or a voicemail and just let it all out. She WILL listen/read. Then block her number, cut off all contact. Not only will you give yourself a sense of closure, by venting you tend to get yourself painted black, so she won't contact. Then, grieve for a couple of days, allow yourself some time to go over it (but not too much) 1 or 2 days is enough, ask yourself why it all went to ___, what YOU did wrong. Make a list of what you've learned from it, then forget the rest, push it into the past - because thats what it is. You realise what you mean to her now, learn from it... accept it. You NEVER EVER WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT AGAIN. So make sure it doesn't happen. Now, when it comes to women, a date is an interview, an assessment of the person you're dating, you're NOT selling yourself, you're in fact checking for red flags - oh wow, now you have a boundary!

You see, this is a learning experience for you, this person may do you a favour by being something to look out for in your NEXT relationship by being something you will never ever ever ever ever get with again except for a bit of light relief where YOU are in control!

Theres something else to note... look who's in control in this relationship - it sure ain't you bro. By going NC you become in control, and boy is NC a relief. All that stress just fades away!

[christoff522]

At a certain point in the relationship when the idealization stage is over and you are doing that crazy dance of push/pull  come here/go away all you are really doing is enabling their behavior while at the same time soothing your own abandonment fears.  Either way it's incredibly dysfunctional for both people.  I knew what I was doing when that was going on, but as we've all said it's an addiction as well so that's the hard part to walk away from. 

This is a diamond post. Yes its so true and completely applies to my mess of a relationship and the last 4 months.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Thanks for all the support everyone,

I do understand that this is not going anywhere. Especially anywhere healthy. Ill admit much of it has do with my loneliness as i lost all of the few friends i had to the disorder as well. She was my support system for going on 2 years. I gave her not only my love but the gift of my innocence which a gift for "the right one". Im having trouble coming to terms that it was all an illusion and part of me desperately wants it back so i dont feel so cheated in giving a gift that literally meant everything to me. In a sense i gave her all of me and to just realize that im as disposable as plastic cup... well its shattering to my consciousness in a deep way. They get thirsty and the cups full of water. As soon as they consume all thats within the cups depths they dispose of it. Much like the attachment we have. Maybe if theyre particularly thirsty they come back for a sip... but nothing more... nothings ever the same.

The hardest aspect of this is its my birthday this month and well i feel a deep sense of longing for acknowldgement because when it was her 21st birthday this year my family took her out and made the most of it. Ill be lucky to even get a recognition unless its attached with some sort of need.

The last part is i guess im not one to want to "give up" even though logically i know ive done all i can. I just have this embedded sense within me to show her "im different" then the rest. But i suppose since she sees through tinted glasses much like i did in the relationship she truly cant see the forest from the trees. Im trying to intill rationality where chaos only exists. A fools errand indeed. Still i take on this endless journey and yet i never make a difference in the long run for the endless suffering she endures. I know she is the only one that can truly insinuate the necessary change from within to write a different ending to this tragic tale... i just wish somewhere along the lines i could coauthor in this. Heres to chasing more ghosts...

[Blimblam]

Can't fix em!

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Can't fix em!

haha Blim, i really need to drill this in to my head or at the least hang this on my bedroom wall or bathroom mirror.

[christoff522]

Thanks for all the support everyone,

I do understand that this is not going anywhere. Especially anywhere healthy. Ill admit much of it has do with my loneliness as i lost all of the few friends i had to the disorder as well. She was my support system for going on 2 years. I gave her not only my love but the gift of my innocence which a gift for "the right one". Im having trouble coming to terms that it was all an illusion and part of me desperately wants it back so i dont feel so cheated in giving a gift that literally meant everything to me. In a sense i gave her all of me and to just realize that im as disposable as plastic cup... well its shattering to my consciousness in a deep way. They get thirsty and the cups full of water. As soon as they consume all thats within the cups depths they dispose of it. Much like the attachment we have. Maybe if theyre particularly thirsty they come back for a sip... but nothing more... nothings ever the same.

The hardest aspect of this is its my birthday this month and well i feel a deep sense of longing for acknowldgement because when it was her 21st birthday this year my family took her out and made the most of it. Ill be lucky to even get a recognition unless its attached with some sort of need.

The last part is i guess im not one to want to "give up" even though logically i know ive done all i can. I just have this embedded sense within me to show her "im different" then the rest. But i suppose since she sees through tinted glasses much like i did in the relationship she truly cant see the forest from the trees. Im trying to intill rationality where chaos only exists. A fools errand indeed. Still i take on this endless journey and yet i never make a difference in the long run for the endless suffering she endures. I know she is the only one that can truly insinuate the necessary change from within to write a different ending to this tragic tale... i just wish somewhere along the lines i could coauthor in this. Heres to chasing more ghosts...

CG you got this nailed man, its there in your conscious mind, but you need to get it into your subconscious. The problem you have right now is your enmeshment with her. We're magnetically attracted to this personality type, and once we have it we don't wanna let go, of the drama, the idealization, the honeymoon period, even though its GONE. All we will do is become the drama, and negatively. It's best to just let it die, let someone else suffer. The more time we spend apart, the more we can see that we were suffering, even when it was good.

[Waifed]

For entertainment, validation, emotional tampon, drugs, etc. The relationship isnt there no matter how much i try to think positively despite being very well educated on her behaviors and patterns. I know most of why she does what she does and generally the thinking(mostly selfish) that goes behind it. So why do i still try to convince myself otherwise... staying positive is just making a fool out of me as she continually repeats tit for tat every outcome that has already happened based on our interactions. And even after getting up at the crack of dawn and being ditched being out in the cold for an hour... only i accept her apology and even suggest going out to get something to eat later. (she had stated something about going to her gmas for a while for something serious so i thought id be a nice gesture) As usual to be ignored as i always am going that route. She likes aloof but too much aloof and she feels abandoned but then when im more caring she just get engulfed. I cant win. I dont know what its going to take to make me walk away before my self respect is completely lost. The ___ed up part is i want to apologize for triggering her by trying to relay a gesture that i know engulfed her but i didnt think in the moment... man ___s upside down in my world thats for sure.

FOG. Step away and go NC for a couple of weeks and maybe you will get some clarity.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

FOG. Step away and go NC for a couple of weeks and maybe you will get some clarity.

Waifed i have gone 3 months NC and i still feel under this spell. I feel like this wont break. i just dont know anymore...

[Deeno02]

FOG. Step away and go NC for a couple of weeks and maybe you will get some clarity.

Waifed i have gone 3 months NC and i still feel under this spell. I feel like this wont break. i just dont know anymore...

They do leave a lasting mark, but it does get better.

[Raybo48]

FOG. Step away and go NC for a couple of weeks and maybe you will get some clarity.

Waifed i have gone 3 months NC and i still feel under this spell. I feel like this wont break. i just dont know anymore...

I went from November of last year until Mid March with NC, zippo.  I was doing fairly well, but I too was still having good and bad days and still thinking about my BPDxgf far too much.  Then while at work in the morning one day she texted me 4 words... "I need your help".  I bit hook line and sinker. The rest of the content from that point is immaterial, but the moral of the story is to stay NC and it will eventually get better.

[BrokenFamily]

I can't do no contact because we have a daughter together but I don't contact her about anything but our daughter. She calls me only when she wants something and I jump to her aid only to be thanked then ingnored immediately afterwards. I think it's kind of funny how she needs me needs me but is sleeping with a guy who don't have the ability financially emotionally or mentally to be there for her. She kinda has no choice but to paint me white again but after her breaking up our happy family dumping me and replacing me there's no way I would take her back and risk being hurt like that again. Since the breakup I've been working out, brought a new car, have a new job paying almost double what I was making, I read books, take bubble baths, have full custody of my daughter and give zero f##ks what she's doing with her life. It gets me sad sometimes but I think of all the pain she's put me thru there's no way I'd go back to that. I'll keep kissing her ass and being used because it makes her feel more guilt for her horrible decisions : ) I'm happy to help  !

[Sandman1881]

"... .man ___s upside down in my world thats for sure."

I can not imagine still being there. My dignity and self respect were nearly obliterated. I'm sliding into my second month out and my blessings are apparent. Each and every day I make personal progress.

I was wondering today how I had the time for all of those text messages and calls. That's because she was bored and wasting my time and costing me thousands. She's literally still costing me thousands of dollars. And I was FEEDING it. I should have had a V8.

My losses have been cut and its all water under the bridge now. But by golly Jorge, I'm truly thankful I got out. And that I got a vasectomy 10 years ago. How do you spell phewww? And there is a no contact order against her. So done, done, done... ."are you sure this time #or?" he said. And then____________. Nothing.

Best of hope to you. I don't know how you can still do it. It wasn't any longer for me after 14 months. That much I knew was obvious.

[christoff522]

I think we all just hit a point of no-return.  We start to care so little that it doesn't get to us anymore what they're doing. We think less about them day by day. We realise its better to be alone than with them.

Very very happy to begin to feel that way.

We all reach this point eventually so I have hope for everyone here.

[peiper]

Look brother, you know what the problem is. So did I but I stuck around hoping it would get better. I ended up with getting found guilt of a bogus domestic violence charge and finding out she had a boyfriend five weeks after we were married.  I wish I would have bailed out early. Save yourself some pain.

[Raybo48]

Look brother, you know what the problem is. So did I but I stuck around hoping it would get better. I ended up with getting found guilt of a bogus domestic violence charge and finding out she had a boyfriend five weeks after we were married.  I wish I would have bailed out early. Save yourself some pain.

Ding Ding Ding...   Mine just threatened a restraining order after she contacted me a few weeks back about me coming out to AZ to rescue her and bring her back to the Midwest.  I followed up with a text two weeks later after I rejected her and she said she would file one even though we are 1500 miles apart!  They are pathological liars, unpredictable, cunning, and dangerous...   Move on and never look back!

[Deeno02]

I just didnt want to lose her. Stupid reason, I know, but I wanted this fantasy. I had no idea what BPD was.

[BrokenFamily]

As strange as it sounds, I figure you can't lose something you never really had. Looking back I don't think it was even real for my ex, it's like she was playing a role in a movie trying to be a good mom try to be a good girlfriend but the whole time this new person who materialized was underneath the mask waiting to come out.   

[christoff522]

As strange as it sounds, I figure you can't lose something you never really had. Looking back I don't think it was even real for my ex, it's like she was playing a role in a movie trying to be a good mom try to be a good girlfriend but the whole time this new person who materialized was underneath the mask waiting to come out.   

For me, I treated the girl I knew at the beginning as having died. I grieved her a long time, and my recycling was my trying to get that beginning back. As more and more I realised that the girl I knew was dead, the more I detached. Until I got to where I am now. I got very tempted today to text her, and even wrote out a message, but I ended up deleting the message. The sad thing is I kinda know her number, so just deleting it is a problem, I have deleted it, so its harder... but I know if I really tried I could get her number.

I get what you're saying, it is a role, it's not reality, each new relationship is a new scene in her movie. It is pretend, but it's her trying to make fantasy reality. I feel so bad for her, but knowing that theres nothing I could do, that I can't help her, that helps SOO much.