I'm Painted White, just like that?

[Algae]

I got cheated on again about 3 months ago.  She went from obsessed love to hating me in the snap of a finger.

Just recently she's been obsessed with me again.  She has a new bf and everything though.  She wont stop writng depressing quotes to me.  Shes spamming my facebook, shes sending me friend requests from 10 different accounts, trying to get me to talk to her.

She literally is scaring me because... She's back to the normal "I LOVE YOU!" girl that I fell in love with.  But if I take the bait... she could become relaxed and go back to cheating again.

I don't know what to do.  As we speak shes crying and sending me 100 messages on my phone about how she knows she messed up.

[bansh]

Hi Algae,

That's a pretty rotten situation that's got to be toying with your emotions, but at least you're on the outside, with an upper-hand compared to being stuck in a chaotic limbo. Were there a lot of times when you were in the relationship you felt yourself scrambling for ways out due to the chaotic nature of her BPD before the cheating or threat of cheating?

If she still has the boyfriend she cheated with, she could easily either lead you on (saving you for a "rainy day" in case that falls apart, or break up with him (or in many BPD cases, manufacture a fight with him as an excuse to break up with him or get him to do it). 

If she still has the boyfriend, how sorry can she be if she's being this desperate with you?  If she is still with him, she's probably gearing up to take someone else on the same ride she took you on.

Sorry this probably isn't much help without knowing more of the back story, but I think you're right in identifying it as bait. It probably is just that.  And sending you 100 messages while with someone else isn't evidence of someone deciding to be trustworthy, but more evidence of the same stuff - just from a different side of the fence.  She probably sincerely misses you, is scared to lose you for good, and cares about you and regrets having damaged what you had, but you know the nature of this stuff; protect yourself, because her contact attempts sound like panic more than an opportunity for constructive rebuilding.

[Infern0]

My advice would be don't go there mate especially if she's still with her boyfriend.

All that will happen is she will use you for triangulation and emotional supply when things are going bad with him.

Learn from my mistake it's no good,  let it go

[peiper]

My advice would be don't go there mate especially if she's still with her boyfriend.

All that will happen is she will use you for triangulation and emotional supply when things are going bad with him.

Learn from my mistake it's no good,  let it go

I agree completely

[Algae]

Hi Algae,

That's a pretty rotten situation that's got to be toying with your emotions, but at least you're on the outside, with an upper-hand compared to being stuck in a chaotic limbo. Were there a lot of times when you were in the relationship you felt yourself scrambling for ways out due to the chaotic nature of her BPD before the cheating or threat of cheating?

If she still has the boyfriend she cheated with, she could easily either lead you on (saving you for a "rainy day" in case that falls apart, or break up with him (or in many BPD cases, manufacture a fight with him as an excuse to break up with him or get him to do it). 

If she still has the boyfriend, how sorry can she be if she's being this desperate with you?  If she is still with him, she's probably gearing up to take someone else on the same ride she took you on.

Sorry this probably isn't much help without knowing more of the back story, but I think you're right in identifying it as bait. It probably is just that.  And sending you 100 messages while with someone else isn't evidence of someone deciding to be trustworthy, but more evidence of the same stuff - just from a different side of the fence.  She probably sincerely misses you, is scared to lose you for good, and cares about you and regrets having damaged what you had, but you know the nature of this stuff; protect yourself, because her contact attempts sound like panic more than an opportunity for constructive rebuilding.

Everything you guys said (including the other 2 posts) are immensly supportive.

Heres what I feel however.  I feel that If I did go back to her... she'd get tired again and think, "oh well I don't have to worry about losing him so I'm going to go cheat and yadda yadda.

But If I didn't get back with her she'd come after me... yet give up SO EASILY after a while.

Either way, If I even talk to her... like just talk to hear her out.  She'll just ask me if I've moved on or found someone else.  Once she has her answer then she'll be able to say, "WELP he doesnt have anyone so I have nothing to worry about!  I'll go back to cheating and stuff."

[Aussie JJ]

Algae,

With all relationships, BPD or not it comes down to what we are willing to tollerate and accept from the other partner. 

I was in a situation with some similarities.  I decided to ask my exBPDgf to reconcile and work through our issues and support each other in a healthier relationship for our son.  The answer was one that I will never forget.  Hot, Cold, Hot, Cold, Rage, Hot, Cold, breakdown, HOT, cold, RAGE! 

I cant accept that anymore.  I deserve more from a partner, I want 100 % commitment.  That is what I will give to my next partner. 

Don't ask about her or what might happen.  Ask what your willing to tollerate from a partner.  What are you willing to live with on a everyday basis for the rest of your life.  What are your expectations.  If you can accept the behaviour and live with it then go for it.  This isnt a place of judgement.  I didnt get judged when I went back and asked mine to reconcile.  I was supported by members here and told to be very open minded about it all. 

Not one of my extended friends or family supported me.  My choice, I still am proud of doing that and thankful that this forum gave me the strength to ask her to reconcile. 

Now I am here, telling you.  If you can tollerate her for the rest of your life.  If the good outweighs the bad.  If you understand that those behaviours are driven by fear and your willing to be there for her through those hard times.  Go for it.  But be realistic.  Dont expect change overnight from her, it may be you that has to change to accomodate more than she has to change. 


AJJ. 

[Samuel S.]

Tolerating such a situation like what you have, being hot and cold, being cheated on and being obssessed over are not healthy behaviors of a true relationship. Let's look at it from another perspective. What if you were the one who was doing these deceitful things? Could she handle it? Would she handle it? Wouldn't she want you to be faithful, to be trustworthy, to be loving? She wants her "cake and eat it, too". I also would suggest that she is using you completely, because you are the steady, reliable guy in the relationship. Like what Algae said, it depends upon how much you want to tolerate. I suggest that you deserve much better than an unfaithful, untrustworthy, loving, and hating woman. There are plenty of other women who are faithful. Last but certainly not least is your child who sees the both of you as his role models. If he sees you as being tolerant, he is going to do the same kinds of things like you. If you stand up for your rights and if he sees that you are doing healthy things to preserve your sanity, he is going to do the same. If he sees you continuing these same kinds of behaviors, he will see that this is perfectly acceptable or to reject not only your behaviors and hers, but will reject the both of you as role models. For the sake a healthier relationship and for the sanity of your son, it is best to move out and to move on with your life. You deserve much, much better!

[Turtlegal]

For myself, cheating is a deal breaker-with disease out there, and blatant disrespect. I think blocking her on fb and changing your ph# is the healthiest thing to do.  If she's so out of control by having other men, she can't be in a sincere, lasting relationship. No contact is best-though I have broken that rule... .but my husband was not sleeping around or stalking me. I suggest therapy to remind you are not responsible for her and can't fix her. Sounds like she, like my husband needs LONG term help before we can consider trust again. A retraining order seems like a possibilty for you also. She sounds scary.

[Turtlegal]

I just want to add that I left because my daughter was a minor and scared. IF I choose to go back with him, she will NOT! He was jealous of her-taking time away from him. She never knew if she had a job since he was constantly taking her car away=on/off, love/hate for her also. I had to protect her. I gave up my child support to remove her from his behavior. He eventually stole her car (he signed for it) but she made payments timely. It was a malicious act. It caused her much distress. She is calm now. As adults, we must consider how emotional abuse affects kids as they can't undetsand and fear his presence. Children need us to protect them! They are our priority.