I need support

[Tiepje3]

My daughter (who's still FB-'friends' with uBPD/NPDstbxh) just showed me a picture of him and the replacement and former mutual friends (traitors!). It hurts my daughter, it hurts me. Probably because I'm still dealing with grief, sorrow, anger, healing and he's moving on.

Help... .tell me how to deal with this. Tell me I'm not the crazy one. Tell me it's his PD. Tell me how to get over this. I was doing better after two months of NC, but now I feel as if I'm back at square one. Let me know I'm not the only one hurting this much.

[fromheeltoheal]

You're not the crazy one.  Detachment is a process, and sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back, which still means you're making progress.  Time to take two more steps forward, starting with getting your daughter to join you in your detachment, which means no more showing you pictures that she knows will be hurtful for you.

Borderlines don't stop to process the demise of a relationship, they just look for new sources of soothing of emotions they can't handle.  If they were to stop and decide to deal with their issues it would be an insurmountable task that they would need massive help with.  Most don't, they just carry the dysfunction to someone else, who's about to learn a bunch of lessons they didn't know they needed.

An upside of what just happened is it's a way to check in on how you're doing with your detachment.  What did you learn, and how can you use this moving forward?

[Hawk Ridge]

I had a similar situation happen this am.  As I have sat here crying, you helped me. Thank you!

[DangIthurts]

Personally try to have her sit down with you and read some of the stuff on here and realize that:

A. He won't ever be happy, those are fake smiles until just like he got mad and left her he'll do again, and again and again.

B. Help her realize how young she is, and for someone like me who I had a long multiple year relationship good things and bad will come along

C. Remind her that in the world of dating she has ALLL the power men will always come calling, she just needs to realize that others will like her for her and handle it with class next time (in some cases) if something like this happens again.

D. Not her fault, he was damaged long before he met her.

E. NO CONTACT (my ex's mutual friends are users and manipulators too, I have no contact with the 1 or 2 friends she's actually been able to keep for a few years... .Who by the way she'd gladly toss aside for a new relationship)

[guy4caligirl]

Hi , I am in month four I am doing a whole lot better but I still go through pain a day or two I accept my thoughts and keep on going , it's hard but doable they don't realize what amount of pain they've caused at all they are just unsensitf 

To other they appear in great shape drama free for the new guy . But for how long ?

[Craydar]

Personally try to have her sit down with you and read some of the stuff on here and realize that:

A. He won't ever be happy, those are fake smiles until just like he got mad and left her he'll do again, and again and again.

B. Help her realize how young she is, and for someone like me who I had a long multiple year relationship good things and bad will come along

C. Remind her that in the world of dating she has ALLL the power men will always come calling, she just needs to realize that others will like her for her and handle it with class next time (in some cases) if something like this happens again.

D. Not her fault, he was damaged long before he met her.

E. NO CONTACT (my ex's mutual friends are users and manipulators too, I have no contact with the 1 or 2 friends she's actually been able to keep for a few years... .Who by the way she'd gladly toss aside for a new relationship)

I agree with everything here but my god tell your daughter to UNFRIEND HIM ON FACEBOOK. No contact means NO CONTACT. Looking at Facebook is contact

[Tiepje3]

Personally try to have her sit down with you and read some of the stuff on here and realize that:

A. He won't ever be happy, those are fake smiles until just like he got mad and left her he'll do again, and again and again.

B. Help her realize how young she is, and for someone like me who I had a long multiple year relationship good things and bad will come along

C. Remind her that in the world of dating she has ALLL the power men will always come calling, she just needs to realize that others will like her for her and handle it with class next time (in some cases) if something like this happens again.

D. Not her fault, he was damaged long before he met her.

E. NO CONTACT (my ex's mutual friends are users and manipulators too, I have no contact with the 1 or 2 friends she's actually been able to keep for a few years... .Who by the way she'd gladly toss aside for a new relationship)

Dangithurts: I'm the one who was in the r/s with stbxh. My daughter is 15, they had a great r/s, stepdad-stepdaughter. They had so much fun, until... .and now he does not only replace me, he has replaced my daughter as well. She feels like ___, used, erased, put aside.

I don't know how to detach even more and move forward. I alsof feel betrayed by the ex-mutual friends, even more so, because they're my S18 parents-in-law and they might even expose him to the replacement without my consent if they invite stbxh and replacement over to their place. I have no control over that, but I feel doubly

betrayed by stbx AND by parents-in-law/former mutual friends. Do I tell my son not to interact with them anymore? Do I tell their daughter how betrayed I feel? I'm doing my best to let it go, but it's hard and painful. Being replaced and erased is just hell... .

Craydar: I asked her to unfriend him, but she's not willing to do that right now. I'll try to convince her some more. But how do you explain NC to a 15 year old?

[Caredverymuch]

You're not the crazy one.  Detachment is a process, and sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back, which still means you're making progress.  Time to take two more steps forward, starting with getting your daughter to join you in your detachment, which means no more showing you pictures that she knows will be hurtful for you.

Borderlines don't stop to process the demise of a relationship, they just look for new sources of soothing of emotions they can't handle.  If they were to stop and decide to deal with their issues it would be an insurmountable task that they would need massive help with.  Most don't, they just carry the dysfunction to someone else, who's about to learn a bunch of lessons they didn't know they needed.

An upside of what just happened is it's a way to check in on how you're doing with your detachment.  What did you learn, and how can you use this moving forward?

I am so sorry for your pain. You are not crazy.  We are deeply hurt individuals who are unable to turn our emotions on and off and dissociate those emotions that are too difficult to face.  I realize this may be an unhealthy thing to say but I do wish I had that ability, to just shut off hard emotions and move on like our ex's have.  I envy that little potion of the disorder and I wish we here did not have to endure repeated hurt as such.

Remember, only those closest really know the dark side of our ex's. Their ability to be exceedingly convincing to those on the outer layers are impeccable and well honed skills. 

It hurts me yet to hear mutual friends speak so highly of my ExpBPD, having no real idea of who he is and how he operates.  How much he emotionally raped me and just walked away resuming that gentle vulnerable highly likable facade he portrays w others.  To me, there are indeed days I wish mutual friends would see him as the person I knew.  But, that motive only keeps me stuck and no matter what others think or believe or choose, I know who he is.  And I know what he is capable of.  And, no part of him or his disorder are welcome back in my life.

Its hard advice but one Ive applied more and more in detaching.  Remove yourself from any exposure of him. On FB. Block. Dont try to look at any friend pages that may show you any sign of him.  Tell every mutual friend you are still on contact w that you do not want to hear anything about him.

And continue to do just as you are doing w your child. 

You're not crazy.  He is.

[myself]

You're not crazy.  He is.

^That seems kind of harsh. You don't even know him.

Support is one thing, but is this something else?


Sorry you're going through this, Tiepje3. Letting go takes its own time.

Divorce and after is hard on most everyone, definitely for kids.

Be there for your daughter, encouraging her to do what's best for her.

The r/s she has with him is different than yours. It's hers, not yours.

Mutual friends may not ever know the whole story.

It's their choice to still be friends with your ex or not.

Your choice to still be friends with them or not. Etc.

[DangIthurts]

Personally try to have her sit down with you and read some of the stuff on here and realize that:

A. He won't ever be happy, those are fake smiles until just like he got mad and left her he'll do again, and again and again.

B. Help her realize how young she is, and for someone like me who I had a long multiple year relationship good things and bad will come along

C. Remind her that in the world of dating she has ALLL the power men will always come calling, she just needs to realize that others will like her for her and handle it with class next time (in some cases) if something like this happens again.

D. Not her fault, he was damaged long before he met her.

E. NO CONTACT (my ex's mutual friends are users and manipulators too, I have no contact with the 1 or 2 friends she's actually been able to keep for a few years... .Who by the way she'd gladly toss aside for a new relationship)

Dangithurts: I'm the one who was in the r/s with stbxh. My daughter is 15, they had a great r/s, stepdad-stepdaughter. They had so much fun, until... .and now he does not only replace me, he has replaced my daughter as well. She feels like ___, used, erased, put aside.

I don't know how to detach even more and move forward. I alsof feel betrayed by the ex-mutual friends, even more so, because they're my S18 parents-in-law and they might even expose him to the replacement without my consent if they invite stbxh and replacement over to their place. I have no control over that, but I feel doubly

betrayed by stbx AND by parents-in-law/former mutual friends. Do I tell my son not to interact with them anymore? Do I tell their daughter how betrayed I feel? I'm doing my best to let it go, but it's hard and painful. Being replaced and erased is just hell... .

Craydar: I asked her to unfriend him, but she's not willing to do that right now. I'll try to convince her some more. But how do you explain NC to a 15 year old?

Again I'd say coming here fixes nothing but it gives you some perspective... .As some of the people here have seen me readily admit, my ex left not but 4 weeks ago has a "perfect" boyfriend now. I was engaged, got her her dream car... .etc, etc. I would hop back in a relationship with her next month if I could I'm far from fine...

But being here reading this stuff does help and will help you feel less worthless than had you never stumbled upon it.

I think it would be very healthy to sit down and point out like oh remember when he did this just like this poster, or that poster you know... .Find a thread you can relate to and believe me there are many I say "yup I had that"

You won't be fine for a long time, but you can get there... .And she can too. She needs to remember that its not about her, its really about you, and she's collateral damage.

[letmeout]

You know what helped me the most? My counselor had me write a long list of all the good things my ex did and said along with a long list of all the bad things my ex did and said.

When I saw that the list of bad things was many times longer than the good things, I finally realized that I never deserved to be treated that way!

I re-read that list every time I started pining for a love that never really was.

[Craydar]

My daughter (who's still FB-'friends' with uBPD/NPDstbxh) just showed me a picture of him and the replacement and former mutual friends (traitors!). It hurts my daughter, it hurts me. Probably because I'm still dealing with grief, sorrow, anger, healing and he's moving on.

Help... .tell me how to deal with this. Tell me I'm not the crazy one. Tell me it's his PD. Tell me how to get over this. I was doing better after two months of NC, but now I feel as if I'm back at square one. Let me know I'm not the only one hurting this much.

I'm reading a lot of assumptions about your ex in these responses. The fact is that if you want to move on, you should discuss, with your daughter that the healing process needs to be focused on you and her. You cannot control him. Any attempts to 'see what he's doing, just makes it harder to move on. You need to tell her that healthy people don't abandon, unhealthy people sometimes do and it's a fact of life that everyone unfortunately has to deal with. Tell her looking at his FB just makes it worse and ask 'does he deserve the attention?' One minute focused on him is one less minute focused on something good. Abandonment issues go in lock step with trust issues. This is a valuable lesson at her age and she will be stronger for it in the long run.

[going places]

My daughter (who's still FB-'friends' with uBPD/NPDstbxh) just showed me a picture of him and the replacement and former mutual friends (traitors!). It hurts my daughter, it hurts me. Probably because I'm still dealing with grief, sorrow, anger, healing and he's moving on.

Help... .tell me how to deal with this. Tell me I'm not the crazy one. Tell me it's his PD. Tell me how to get over this. I was doing better after two months of NC, but now I feel as if I'm back at square one. Let me know I'm not the only one hurting this much.

Take her to see someone who will suggest that FB is not about "real relationships' it's about "for show" relationships.

HE does not care about her.

IF he did, he would have sat her down and explained to her that he is seeing someone else AND introduced that woman to his sdaughter... .but he didn't. He let "FB" do his dirty work.

Strike 1, 2, and 3.

You investing in your daughter, teaching her this is NOT normal and this is NOT how men should treat women, will bode you well.

It would be good for the two of you to seek out professional help AND begin something new.

Be that moving away, volunteering, etc.

You both need something new, postiive and uplifiting to happen so you can detach from this parasitic relationship.

[Tiepje3]

I'm reading a lot of assumptions about your ex in these responses. The fact is that if you want to move on, you should discuss, with your daughter that the healing process needs to be focused on you and her. You cannot control him. Any attempts to 'see what he's doing, just makes it harder to move on. You need to tell her that healthy people don't abandon, unhealthy people sometimes do and it's a fact of life that everyone unfortunately has to deal with. Tell her looking at his FB just makes it worse and ask 'does he deserve the attention?' One minute focused on him is one less minute focused on something good. Abandonment issues go in lock step with trust issues. This is a valuable lesson at her age and she will be stronger for it in the long run.

Thanks everyone for the responses. It helps me big time to know people care enough about me to write back to me with supportive words.

My daughter didn't see it on his FB, but she saw this picture on the FB of former mutual friends who are still hanging out with him. So it actually was an accidental confrontation with ex-stepdad. These former mutual friends also happen to be the parents of my son's girlfriend, which makes it twice as hard to deal with this kind of 'betrayal' (that's how I feel about it anyway, since they know the whole story and still hang out with him, which seems like a betrayal to my son as well).

But... .that being said: I have managed to NOT look at his or their FB. Instead I've been listening to talks by the Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm and I've been able to let it go for the time being. This Ajahn Brahm is a funny character who says really wise things, a joy to listen to. In two days time, things don't seem that important anymore. I AM focussing on me, I am letting go. It is in the past, there is nothing I can do about it. It is not my responsibility. When/if I feel sad again, I'll just cry and feel the pain and then start another activity. It's all part of the process of healing. I'm doing better.

Anyway... .thanks to all!