Guilt and no closure are killing me.

[harbour]

This keeps on tormenting me.

I find it so hard to accept the way I broke up with my partner a few days ago, and just to leave it there, without closure. I sent him a letter and told him. No warning, no talking. He didn't expect it. We had been together for only 8 months. He has not been violent to me. But I had become scared of his outbursts of rage. He has been violent to some of his former female partners. He had told me that. Told him two months ago that I felt unsafe, when he raged like that. He seemed to take it serious, and we agreed that when or if he felt it coming, he should leave. Well, he didn't. Last week, he had these outbursts twice. Verbal abuse. That was when I realized that if I stayed, this fear would control me more and more and make it very hard to set boundaries, and I would gradually lose myself. It was very hard for me to break up, because most of the time he had been nice, lovable and affectionate and trying his very best to make this work. I believe that he really loves me. And I love him. But I can't cope with his controlling behaviour, the roller-coaster etc. I can't yet think clear enough to see if that has become worse. He believed in us. He believed that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We are both 61. We had devoted ourselves to each other. And then - I sent him that letter telling him that it is over. That must feel cruel. I know that I should take care of myself, but how can I not think about him and how my letter must affect him?

In my letter I have explained why I am leaving him. Only about his rage. And now I am afraid that he reads it as if I blame him for my breaking up with him. I don't want that. I have my issues and my share in this. I didn't set boundaries as much and as often as I ought to. And when I didn't do that, how could he have a chance? We didn't talk further about his rage, and maybe he would never hurt me physically. I consider writing him another letter letting him know that it is not all his fault. Or suggest meeting on a café to give closure to both of us. Doesn't that sound fair and proper?

Would you please read my letter to him and express your honest opinion:

":)ear K

The reason why I write to you instead of seeing you is that I don't feel safe about it.

All that warmth, affection, loving, closeness and mutual enrichment I have experienced with you since I let you into my life opened my heart and brought me overwhelming joy. There has also been sadness, anger and disagreements between us, and that has not weakened our relationship. But there is something else that casts and will increasingly cast a shadow over the joy, if we continue together.

We human beings have different limits. Some limits are we able to move and extend, and still be true to ourselves, and sometimes even be enriched by it. There are other limits that we can not move, or bear to go beyond, without losing ourselves, or put ourselves at risk of losing ourselves. I have reached such limit.

Every time I have experienced your rage, where you lose control or are about to, I have felt unsafe and scared. I had the impression that you took that serious, when I told you about it two months ago, and we agreed that when or if you felt it coming, you should leave. Well, Monday evening and Tuesday at noon it happened again. Tuesday, when I was standing there, not daring to do anything but comply with your demand for me to not say anything, I felt and I knew that this was my limit.

The crucial thing here is not how often or not often it happens, but that it does happen. Because that fear affects me in general, when we are together. And that latent fear will inevitably restrict me in my freedom to speak out and set boundaries. That is what I see is happening. And I don't believe any longer that it will stop. I can and will not live in such a relationship, no matter what. Safety, trust and respect are fundamental in any relationship.

Since Tuesday I have had hard struggles because of the pain by losing you, and I have now realized that I have to accept and respect my limit. If I didn't, I would already lose a bit of myself, and if I start letting that happen, I will gradually lose more and more of myself. I don't want that, no matter how much it hurts and will hurt to take the consequences.

So I have come to realize that it is not going to work any longer for you and me together. We did the best we could; I can't deal with it any more.

K, no one can take away all that we had together. I will keep it in my heart.

Love Harbour

We need to find out how you get your stuff back home to you. I could bring it to S, where you could pick it up at an appointed time. Or you could make somebody come and pick it up at my place."

I have to send him some papers of his, and I consider attaching a letter telling him that it is not all his fault, that I have my share in it, by not being aware enough of setting boundaries. Or maybe suggest to meet on a café to give closure to both of us. I am sure it has come to him as a shock that I suspects that he would harm me physically.

[Targeted]

Even though my ex gf is still emailing me that she wants to meet face to face to have closure I feel that her cheating on me and verbally abusing me the way she does is close enough for me, The last day I saw her I was at her house and took care of all the daily chores as I always did only to find her on her dating site again when we went to bed.  I know she was doing this again for the 100th time because I was being accused of it.  Knowing that this will never change is also an closure for me,  after I broke up with her she did something really really rotten and I can never again trust her motives,  what she did leads me to believe that if I meet her face-to-face for her closure she probably has a hidden agenda to file a False police report against me of some kind of abuse,   I am not a abusive person and I am not going to put myself in a position to be falsely accused of it by such a hateful manipulative person.

The abuse of me is closure enough for me,  her closure is her problem!  I have done everything for this woman and I do not feel I owe her anything.

[OutOfEgypt]

That was when I realized that if I stayed, this fear would control me more and more and make it very hard to set boundaries, and I would gradually lose myself.

This is an extremely wise bit of insight and an essential thing to make your decision about ending the relationship on.  There is nothing to feel guilty about, here.  You know that you would lose yourself and that the relationship would not work, so you are sparing yourself (and him) the pain and destruction that you know is coming.

I have to send him some papers of his, and I consider attaching a letter telling him that it is not all his fault, that I have my share in it, by not being aware enough of setting boundaries. Or maybe suggest to meet on a café to give closure to both of us. I am sure it has come to him as a shock that I suspects that he would harm me physically.

You're trying to rescue him and should stop doing that.  If he is that fragile, that you have to tiptoe around and over-explain every decision you make that might cause him any pain or discomfort, then this is even more confirmation that you are doing the right thing.  Your letter was fine.  Leave it.  :)on't pour any sense of guilt you have about leaving him into nervous and neurotic energy, like sending him letter upon letter trying to make sure he thinks this or doesn't think that.  Just face the guilt and grief head-on.  But keep in mind... .your decision is likely hurting him, but you are not *harming* him.  There is a difference.  

You've done your best to offer him "closure", for whatever that is.  He is going to have to handle this, himself.  Part of ending and breaking away from the relationship means you stop taking responsibility for his problems and trying to rescue him all the time.  

I know this is hard, but keep doing what you are doing.  You will thank yourself in time.

[patientandclear]

I agree with OoE. Your letter was excellent. It was honest, open, not blaming--you explained what this is about. He is probably feeling that you are rejecting him the way he is. The hard thing to accept is: you are.

I understand your feeling that if you'd been clearer with boundaries and limits, he'd have had more of a chance to avoid this outcome--I struggle with the same guilt. But it sounds like you were clear. And he didn't do what you agreed. The raging is a very very destructive dynamic as you understand very clearly. You are not wrong to take it so seriously.

You spent time on Staying, right? If you wanted to continue without breaking it off, they would recommend that you leave, not him, if he rages. You are in control of you. Did you try that, and is that viable for you?

It really does seem to be a good bet to accept that our BPD partners are going to continue to use the coping mechanisms they've relied on for decades. He will very likely continue to rage. If you leave when he does, and you could manage not to walk on eggshells to avoid the raging, that might be an alternative way forward. I still think the venom and resentment that they feel toward their partners does a lot of damage though.

In short, your decision makes so much sense.

But. If you are not going to be able to accept how you handled it, offer a conversation and see where that goes. Regret sucks. I found enforcing the boundary I set with my ex was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  It cost me the relationship and I really didn't want to lose him. I wanted to find a way to be OK with the super hurtful things he had done and was doing, in order to keep the relationship. So I really get how hard it is to draw that line and mean it.

Be aware that communication about returning property is a big trigger. It feels like The End. So if you want to offer a conversation about what happened and why, I would separate it from the discussion about return of property.

[OutOfEgypt]

I understand your feeling that if you'd been clearer with boundaries and limits, he'd have had more of a chance to avoid this outcome--I struggle with the same guilt. But it sounds like you were clear. And he didn't do what you agreed. The raging is a very very destructive dynamic as you understand very clearly. You are not wrong to take it so seriously.

I really agree with this.  I've been with my (non BPD) girlfriend since the summer, and I can't tell you how much easier things are.  I don't have to talk about "boundaries" and things like that because there is mutual respect from the beginning, and she is not a black-hole of endless need.  

I used to blame myself for the same problem of setting boundaries with my uBPD ex wife while I was married to her.  Heck, she blamed me too ("You are the one who *lets* me do this to you", taking zero responsibility for her actions, once again.  But I finally came to realize that in the end she hates boundaries.  They are a threat to her, so she lashes out and ramps up her controlling behaviors to create more FOG... .fear, obligation, and guilt.  Borderlines hate being in relationships when the other person "wises up" and starts realizing they are actually autonomous individuals, having their own opinions and setting limits as to what they will and will not accept.  So, there are really no boundaries under the sun that can keep a relationship healthy when one of the people in the relationship is like that.  It is a constant battle.  The only "boundary" and consequence she ever heard was, "I'm done.  Goodbye."  

And here's one thing I tell my girlfriend (who has a BPD friend) and my daughter, who is in high school where everybody acts like they have BPD:  you SHOULD NOT have to read self-help and psychology books in order to have a relationship with someone.  Though all relationships have difficult, a relationship just shouldn't be that hard.  And my current relationship is case-in-point.  She has her own opinions and feelings, and I have mine.  But there is mutual respect and love that is not confused with "need".  It isn't perfect, but it is amazing how neither of us have ever felt like we needed to apologize just for being who we are.

[OutOfEgypt]

It is common for us to want to buy into the idea that "if we had the right boundaries, things could have turned out differently."  Perhaps that is because we like to believe we have or had some semblance of control.  I see those meme's all over Facebook about how we can "teach others how to treat us."  But that implies everyone can actually be taught or cares to learn.  In reality, that is not the case.  Boundaries aren't a way to fix our relationships and insulate us from being walked all over.  Many times, boundaries don't keep a relationship together at all.  Instead, they show you very quickly, if you pay attention, when a relationship is never going to work and when your partner is a person you need to stay away from.  I believe when we have a firm sense of ourselves and our values and opinions, that is healthy and creates potential for healthy relationships.  However, this is a double-edged sword because it also means we end relationships, sometimes often.

[harbour]

If he is that fragile, that you have to tiptoe around and over-explain every decision you make that might cause him any pain or discomfort, then this is even more confirmation that you are doing the right thing.

Part of ending and breaking away from the relationship means you stop taking responsibility for his problems and trying to rescue him all the time.

You are so right. I haven't heard from him since he got the letter yesterday. And if I send him another letter, he might see that as a possibility that there is still some hope. No matter what I write.

If you wanted to continue without breaking it off, they would recommend that you leave, not him, if he rages. You are in control of you. Did you try that, and is that viable for you?

I have thought of that. But I haven't had the courage to do even that, by the thought that it might trigger his rage even more, and I wouldn't have time to leave before he hit me or something. Besides, we were always at my place, and I would feel uncomfortable leaving my own home in that situation.

If you leave when he does, and you could manage not to walk on eggshells to avoid the raging, that might be an alternative way forward.

I don't think I could avoid that. It is not only his raging that made me walk on eggshells. It is also his painting me black and white. Suddenly, when everything is fine and we feel good about each other, he can turn cold and distant, and after a while he would leave. And his persisting in wanting me to have the same interests as he has. He really put pressure on me with that. And I get so tired. Sometimes I say no, other times yes to have peace, yet it is not peace. One time he raged and blamed me for his feeling that there was too little of him. No space for him. Meaning I gave him too little attention. Really. That is a 3 year old talking. I thought I didn't hear him right. I saw it the other way around. Or rather I felt that I had reduced myself. I didn't say that to him, of course. I never relaxed.

I don't think I will write him another letter. And I think it might be a bad idea to meet him now. Maybe after a long time.

But I have to make a plan what to do if he calls me, or if I find him standing outside my door. Would it be risky to mention his stuff, if I met him on my doorstep?

I think I have a hard time dealing with the ambivalence. Because he is like two very different persons, and never at the same time. So without being fully aware of it I don't see him as one person, but as two, the good and lovable one and - the hurting and scary one. And it is when I think of the good one that I feel remorse and bad.

But I finally came to realize that in the end she hates boundaries.  They are a threat to her, so she lashes out and ramps up her controlling behaviors to create more FOG... .fear, obligation, and guilt. Borderlines hate being in relationships when the other person "wises up" and starts realizing they are actually autonomous individuals, having their own opinions and setting limits as to what they will and will not accept.  So, there are really no boundaries under the sun that can keep a relationship healthy when one of the people in the relationship is like that.  It is a constant battle.

Mine also hates boundaries. He wanted and expected me to set boundaries, but when I did he got furious. I mean even simple and apparently harmless boundaries. And you are right, we should not have to spend so much energy and time to set boundaries in a relationship. And it is a crazy struggle.

I lost weight. I jump and start at every sound I hear. When I hear a door closing next door, when the phone rings etc. I am stressed and exhausted. This is after 8 months with him. I dare not even imagine how my mental and physical condition would be after several years in this relationship.

Today I got a message from his sister, whom I like very much. I have never talked to her about him. I don't want to trouble her with that. Cause he is her brother. I am so sad that I lose her and her husband too. He must have told her about my breaking up with him by now, because she wrote to me:

":)ear Harbour.

I wish you joy, strength and courage. I think you are a fine and good person.

Love H."

This message helps me a lot. She has known him all her life, and she has seen this happening many times with his former relationships. Her message makes me feel a bit better and less remorseful. So does your replies!  

[fromheeltoheal]

I think it's a matter of degree.  It's normal for couples to get angry with each other and fight, although anger run amok can escalate to rage, which is an indicator of a serious problem in the relationship.  In a 'normal', healthy relationship, whatever that is, fights end with open, honest communication rife with mutual respect and trust, and those fights can make the couple closer, unless the issues become irreconcilable, in which case the fight becomes the beginning of the end.  In a dysfunctional relationship issues don't get resolved, and it's helpful to look at our role in the communication or lack thereof.  The rage may come out of frustration that things are not getting resolved, or in the case of someone with a personality disorder, it may come out of issues we didn't even know existed and are a natural response to the crap going on between their ears; ain't no reconciling that.

If I got a letter like that from someone, the most painful part would be

K, no one can take away all that we had together. I will keep it in my heart.

  There's an emotional finality to it and that would sting.

In any case, if his rage was off the rails to the point that you feared for your physical safety, there's really no choice but to leave, and that is hard when it includes severing an emotional connection and letting go of hope for it.  I'm sorry you're going through that harbour, and here's wishing you the strength to return his stuff while not emotionally engaging, and to retain your resolve.  Take care of you!

[Targeted]

Setting boundaries is easy,  having them adhere to them is another story, when we first got together she was still hanging out with the last guy she slept with,  I told I was very uncomfortable with that and she did not care.  I told her it is inappropriate in a relationship to do that if you want one with me and her reply was ---  don't worry because when he finds a girlfriend he won't talk to me any more,  he is a very respectful person like that!

I cannot believe how much fog was created