Why do they abandon us , if their biggest fear is abadonment ?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just a thought .

[guy4caligirl]

Just a thought .

[Bak86]

Because they are afraid you are going to abandon them, because you've seen the real her/him. They want to dump you before you dump them. Hurts less i guess.

[Blimblam]

They are reliving a past trauma. They didn't individuate properly in the opiedal stage of development so they attach like and infant to a parent. When their fear of engulfment is triggered they push us away trying to get it right that time but their overwhelming fear of abandonment prevents them from doing this in a healthy way.

You might want to look into child development theory and transference.

[Infared]

Because they are afraid you are going to abandon them, because you've seen the real her/him. They want to dump you before you dump them. Hurts less i guess.

Yes... .and add to that, that they are always thinking of themselves. They are not thinking of you or how their selfish actions effect YOU. It's ALL about them. Always.

... .and I think others are correct... it is FEAR, fear of abandonment that is the motivator... .it is really sad that they think like this... .Very sad.

[patientandclear]

There's an enormous difference between being alone, which many pwBPD do tolerate, and being left. Leaving pre-emptively is a defense against being left. As you point out it is not a defense against being alone. Many of our BPDexes are able to tolerate periods of time alone, but the sure "knowledge" that they will be left is intolerable.

[lm911]

They can't be too close to e person, there is fear of intimacy and they sabotage your relationship. They jush push you away until either you break up or they do it. It is hard to understand that they want someone to love them but once you love them they push you because of this fear of closeness. That is what they just do. No logic but you have to accept it.

[forgetthepast]

While I will agree with these posts for the most part, I would have to say that in my case, it was because my ex could find a guy in an instant.  All she had to do was hit the dating sites and she was back on the wagon.  She knew this.  It didn't help that I always seemed to take her back, and it was me who usually initiated the contact to get back together.  What a fool I was.

If I hadn't initiated the contact, she would have been satisfied with just playing the field, always thinking that Mr. Right was around the corner.  She always had one foot out the door, even while being engaged and living together.

So I think I can honestly say that it was not fear, but a realization that she could find someone she thought was better or more compatible.  Who knows, maybe she did.  Have not heard a word from her since the last breakup and that was over 3 years ago.

[guy4caligirl]

While I will agree with these posts for the most part, I would have to say that in my case, it was because my ex could find a guy in an instant.  All she had to do was hit the dating sites and she was back on the wagon.  She knew this.  It didn't help that I always seemed to take her back, and it was me who usually initiated the contact to get back together.  What a fool I was.

If I hadn't initiated the contact, she would have been satisfied with just playing the field, always thinking that Mr. Right was around the corner.  She always had one foot out the door, even while being engaged and living together.

So I think I can honestly say that it was not fear, but a realization that she could find someone she thought was better or more compatible.  Who knows, maybe she did.  Have not heard a word from her since the last breakup and that was over 3 years ago.

Mine never completely unpacked in 5 years !