No reaction after breaking up?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Has any of you experienced never to hear a word from your exBPD since you broke up with him/her?

And has any of you broken up with your exBPD with a letter or a message?

I know he received my letter today, and I haven't heard anything from him. I have a lot of his stuff at my place, and I suggested to him that I could bring it all to a place nearby, where he could pick it up at an appointed time. Or he could send someone to pick it up at my place. I don't feel totally safe meeting him. I don't think he would harm me, but I don't feel 100% sure, cause he has been violent to some of his former female partners, especially when they wanted to leave him. He had told me that. And he had some scary outbursts of rage which were always triggered by something I said. Something absolutely harmless. That is why I didn't break up with him face to face, but by telling him in a letter. Yet, I feel so bad about it. And I ask myself if I have been overreacting not daring to tell him face to face. It is an awful way to do it. I don't and he doesn't get closure. No goodbye. That hurts more that I can tell. But it was my choice.

It feels so unbearably empty here. We were always at my place. And I don't like to be here at all. I hate being here. And I can't get anything done, I just feel so devastated, restless and broken and tense.

[harbour]

Has any of you experienced never to hear a word from your exBPD since you broke up with him/her?

And has any of you broken up with your exBPD with a letter or a message?

I know he received my letter today, and I haven't heard anything from him. I have a lot of his stuff at my place, and I suggested to him that I could bring it all to a place nearby, where he could pick it up at an appointed time. Or he could send someone to pick it up at my place. I don't feel totally safe meeting him. I don't think he would harm me, but I don't feel 100% sure, cause he has been violent to some of his former female partners, especially when they wanted to leave him. He had told me that. And he had some scary outbursts of rage which were always triggered by something I said. Something absolutely harmless. That is why I didn't break up with him face to face, but by telling him in a letter. Yet, I feel so bad about it. And I ask myself if I have been overreacting not daring to tell him face to face. It is an awful way to do it. I don't and he doesn't get closure. No goodbye. That hurts more that I can tell. But it was my choice.

It feels so unbearably empty here. We were always at my place. And I don't like to be here at all. I hate being here. And I can't get anything done, I just feel so devastated, restless and broken and tense.

[fromheeltoheal]

I left my ex without a word as well, actually just fled to retain what was left of my sanity.  Leaving her was absolutely the right thing to do and it was easy to stay away in the beginning, although after a while I felt some guilt and somewhat of an obligation to communicate with her and end it more formally, which didn't feel good.  I didn't, because I knew any communication would just open a can of worms again and away we go down the rabbit hole of dysfunction.  One of the tools I used to detach was a list of all the unacceptable crap she pulled in the relationship, which grew with time as the fog cleared and I remembered more, and I'd read it over and over again when I felt the pangs of missing her; it was effective at shifting my focus and reminding me that I wanted nothing to do with her, although my heart was protesting.  And really, given more time, I began to realize that she had already left me first, while still in the relationship; she was very distant, cold and mean, and none of the girl I fell in love with (learned later it was a fiction) was there anymore.  And then of course, in true borderline fashion, she tried contacting me many times over the next year, sweet as hell in voice mails and such, completely disregarding the royal btch she'd been for the longest time, the push/pull nature of the disorder showing up bright as day.

Just a shtty deal all the way around, everyone got hurt and there was no closure, but the upside has been the pain and the need to give myself closure has been extremely growth-inducing, the ultimate gift of the relationship.

[Deeno02]

I was just plain old dumped. Via text. Have'nt seen or heard from her since. Im cool with it... .

[Seriously?]

For me, it is also very painful to not have heard a word from my husband. He wanted to come home twice, but would not respect my boundaries. I knew, even though I didn't know about the BPD at the time, that counseling needed to be the first step for us to get back together. When I expressed that, he absolutely refused. He had shoved me around on our last night together and wanted to come home without really addressing it. I know in my head I did the only healthy thing I could do. Today, I sit here crying my eyes out because my heart is just aching. I also wish for something, some kind of closure, something from him that makes sense.  The more I read about BPd, the more I understand he has such a need to protect himself, he probably can't face me. My needs aren't important to him anyway, and I am trying to figure out how to move on in my own way. I know the lack of closure makes it extra hard. I hope you are taking care of you.

[BrokenFamily]

I was just plain old dumped. Via text. Have'nt seen or heard from her since. Im cool with it... .

Stop lying Deeno buddy, I love ya man but if you were truly cool with it, totally over it and healed you wouldn't be still so bitter and posting on here on a daily basis.

[Deeno02]

I was just plain old dumped. Via text. Have'nt seen or heard from her since. Im cool with it... .

Stop lying Deeno buddy, I love ya man but if you were truly cool with it, totally over it and healed you wouldn't be still so bitter and posting on here on a daily basis.

I am cool with it BF. The NC anyway. Not that bitter anymore, just working with the T to get a little closure, which i know I wont get, but maybe to find a reason why I keep attracting these types. But over all, between my T and you guys and girls on here, Im really doing a hell of a lot better than 3 months ago. Honestly. With you guys I get to have some closure because I can voice what I always wanted to say to my gf but couldnt. So yeah, right now, Im kinda good. I dont count days anymore, I dont go to bed with her in my head, I dont wake up with her in my head and Ive even picked her kid up at her house without a bit of anxiety. You guys are the best.

[BrokenFamily]

You go Deeno, it's still a daily struggle for me but I'm pretty much indifferent to her good opinions anymore. Despite the breakup, the replacement and all the hateful words and actions I've still been there for her 100% since the breakup so it's impossible for her to continue to paint me black. I'm happy I no longer think about her 24/7 and what is going on with her and the replacement because that only lead to me being depressed and unproductive, I actually can careless about what she's doing at this point. I'm totally content being her ex, a great daddy and putting all the pieces of my life back together right now.

[Deeno02]

You go Deeno, it's still a daily struggle for me but I'm pretty much indifferent to her good opinions anymore. Despite the breakup, the replacement and all the hateful words and actions I've still been there for her 100% since the breakup so it's impossible for her to continue to paint me black. I'm happy I no longer think about her 24/7 and what is going on with her and the replacement because that only lead to me being depressed and unproductive, I actually can careless about what she's doing at this point. I'm totally content being her ex, a great daddy and putting all the pieces of my life back together right now.

Absolutely! It does come up again, usually at the T's office, but just looking at my journal entries when I started I would bring her 5-6 pages of my heart poured out on it. Last 2 visits? 1 page and it was mostly entries stating what a good day I had.

[DangIthurts]

I was just plain old dumped. Via text. Have'nt seen or heard from her since. Im cool with it... .

Same "I'll get a restraining order if you contact me, sell my car, don't ever talk to me again"

The cold indifference the 3 times we communicated since. Not worth it.

You go Deeno, it's still a daily struggle for me but I'm pretty much indifferent to her good opinions anymore. Despite the breakup, the replacement and all the hateful words and actions I've still been there for her 100% since the breakup so it's impossible for her to continue to paint me black. I'm happy I no longer think about her 24/7 and what is going on with her and the replacement because that only lead to me being depressed and unproductive, I actually can careless about what she's doing at this point. I'm totally content being her ex, a great daddy and putting all the pieces of my life back together right now.

LOL the way they twist stuff anything can be twisted to black honestly.

This site has helped me realizing checking social media and stuff isn't a good idea, as even the pretend happy with the replacement can cause pain and wondering what I could have done different.

[Tiepje3]

Has any of you experienced never to hear a word from your exBPD since you broke up with him/her?

And has any of you broken up with your exBPD with a letter or a message?

I know he received my letter today, and I haven't heard anything from him. I have a lot of his stuff at my place, and I suggested to him that I could bring it all to a place nearby, where he could pick it up at an appointed time. Or he could send someone to pick it up at my place. I don't feel totally safe meeting him. I don't think he would harm me, but I don't feel 100% sure, cause he has been violent to some of his former female partners, especially when they wanted to leave him. He had told me that. And he had some scary outbursts of rage which were always triggered by something I said. Something absolutely harmless. That is why I didn't break up with him face to face, but by telling him in a letter. Yet, I feel so bad about it. And I ask myself if I have been overreacting not daring to tell him face to face. It is an awful way to do it. I don't and he doesn't get closure. No goodbye. That hurts more that I can tell. But it was my choice.

It feels so unbearably empty here. We were always at my place. And I don't like to be here at all. I hate being here. And I can't get anything done, I just feel so devastated, restless and broken and tense.

Our last conversation was in september where he told me he didn't love nor hate me. He just felt nothing for me (ouch!)

Then I saw him in court on October 6th, but I did not look him in the eye or talk to him. Haven't heard a thing from him since, even though all his personal stuff is still here. I put it in the shed. There are items like his mom's recipe book (very treasured), his grandfather's clock, his jackets from when he was in university 40 years ago, his treasured tool box, his favourite mountain bike... .you know... .like really personal items. My attorney let his attorney know that he has to pick it up within a month. That was two weeks ago. Haven't heard from his attorney either. So strange... .He's really reinventing himself and starting a new life.

[DangIthurts]

Has any of you experienced never to hear a word from your exBPD since you broke up with him/her?

And has any of you broken up with your exBPD with a letter or a message?

I know he received my letter today, and I haven't heard anything from him. I have a lot of his stuff at my place, and I suggested to him that I could bring it all to a place nearby, where he could pick it up at an appointed time. Or he could send someone to pick it up at my place. I don't feel totally safe meeting him. I don't think he would harm me, but I don't feel 100% sure, cause he has been violent to some of his former female partners, especially when they wanted to leave him. He had told me that. And he had some scary outbursts of rage which were always triggered by something I said. Something absolutely harmless. That is why I didn't break up with him face to face, but by telling him in a letter. Yet, I feel so bad about it. And I ask myself if I have been overreacting not daring to tell him face to face. It is an awful way to do it. I don't and he doesn't get closure. No goodbye. That hurts more that I can tell. But it was my choice.

It feels so unbearably empty here. We were always at my place. And I don't like to be here at all. I hate being here. And I can't get anything done, I just feel so devastated, restless and broken and tense.

Our last conversation was in september where he told me he didn't love nor hate me. He just felt nothing for me (ouch!)

Then I saw him in court on October 6th, but I did not look him in the eye or talk to him. Haven't heard a thing from him since, even though all his personal stuff is still here. I put it in the shed. There are items like his mom's recipe book (very treasured), his grandfather's clock, his jackets from when he was in university 40 years ago, his treasured tool box, his favourite mountain bike... .you know... .like really personal items. My attorney let his attorney know that he has to pick it up within a month. That was two weeks ago. Haven't heard from his attorney either. So strange... .He's really reinventing himself and starting a new life.

Or possibly keeping it as a placeholder to come back at some point... .Basically that says to me doors never closed... .Much like mine wanting to keep jewelry and a blanket I gave her I even questioned it like why would you want stuff from someone you hate? Because they were gifts and their mine... .Even saying kind things about wanting her to have a great future and I see a successful person in her, have a good holiday wish you the best with the bf... .Those texts were met with no response.

Texts with unrelated to us though would be answered with distain like why were you in this part of town, etc.

[harbour]

Tiepje3. That must have been terribly hurting, when he broke up like that. Now I feel even more remorse about the way I broke up with mine. A letter. Not cold, not loving. But explaining why I couldn't take it any longer. Not all of it; that would be too tough, and he wouldn't understand. Only about my growing worry and fear of his scary outbursts of rage. And that I can't and won't be in a relationship, where I don't feel safe.

It is strange indeed that yours doesn't seem to want his stuff. Mine too has a lot of treasured things at my place. I think he is very, very angry now, or maybe he simply turned off his "love" for me and moved on to pick a new flower on his meadow. No wonder if he is mad at me or turned cold. For a week I caused him to feel frustrated and anxious by keeping on telling him that I needed time alone and not answering his messages (I sent him three or four) for a week, only to break up with him in the end in a letter. I feel terrible about that. The whole week I struggled between wanting to stay and leave, and I didn't know what to say to him, when he sent me warm and loving messages. At the end of the week he got desperate, asking me to make a decision. I didn't want to do tell him with a message. So I just sent him a message saying: "K, I am scared. I have written a letter to you. I will send it tomorrow." So he sent me several messages shifting between hot, cold, angry. I caused him so much distress by doing what I did. I needed that week to make up my mind. I didn't want to break up if I wasn't sure. And I didn't feel it was fair to him to see him and act as if everything was fine.

[Dutched]

Sort of here too. In an outburst I was dumped (“I leave temporarily”). Within 2 weeks exw was gone.

During the first months there was email contact, exw thought to leave without any obligations like an teenager.

After 3 months 2 short face to face meetings (Her question? How do “we” proceed with the divorce?)

After months suddenly an email expressing her rights for Q-time with my son. However my son and I already planned of which exw was notified by me months earlier, seemingly exw forgot that. So I received a total dissociative reaction on which I didn’t reply.

NC again, now permanently, even related to important school matters that needed to be discussed in my sons interest.

Last December, a 3 yrs after exw left, a mail. “now that all financial matters are finished I would like you to know that I met someone”…  Well, that someone exw met already a 2 yrs earlier. So to rub it into my face.

About their stuff.   Read old posts, it is common. Exw same story.

When exw left she took some cloths. A 2 months later exw demanded the rest, to be picked up at her convenience. I refused, packed all and notified her about the dates convenient for me to have her pick it up. No answer. It was stored in plastic bags for 3 yrs.

On her list exw fixated her thoughts on stuff related to my family inheritances (hate, destroying), and stuff like “my box from on the attic”. The rest mentioned were worthless household items.

Yes, in court exw demanded the family photo albums, on which I replied the judge that it was destroyed after the last face to face meeting (mentioned even the date…), well no one to prove otherwise.

Like others, no single personal or family item was mentioned by exw! So what to do? After the stuff on the list was picked up, I offered exw her forgotten items. Guess… no answer. My son was not interested either in his mothers family belongings, so I dumped it.

Reinventing a new life

During that face to face talk exw said it would take time to discover her values and norms… again…

Well exw did! Free as a teenager a cougar went hunting. Suddenly going places, even bars, refused to go with me and family.

Now the pinnacle. Became (in her r/s with a 65 yr old great grandpa / exw begin 50…) active in off road driving (cars and trucks). Mud, noise, oil, “brave men’s talk”, weekends camping, etc. 

In the past exw refused to join me and my sons as we went to visit an the national annual pre prologue for a worldwide known rally of trucks, cars and motors. Even refused alternatives to have Q-time with my daughter on that  day to drop them in a nearby city.

My son has a different mom, sees it, but denies (special in the case as above), preventing emotional pain.

Reinventing?  Being faced with it, I wonder were the values/norms exw lived by during all these years only mine? Then I wonder if these more than 3 decades were faked, it seems in a way.