curious about frienships with BPDs

[ghoststory]

recently I was painted black by a BPD friend and given the silent treatment for over a month but we work together and it seems the silence is lifted in the last couple of days , I know I was painted white earlier in year but I never acted on dating for I don't think dating co workers is a good idea  but have always been a friend ,, one BPD friend thinks rejecting her in the white stage has probably been a bag of resentment carried along the way I told her I am not her enemy I am her friend and love her didn't see her a week and boom silent treatment over  I now  have suggested that we keep the friendship light  ,my question is how close does a BPD have to feel to paint you black? and does anything avoid future black stages ?

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[PinkPoker]

Hiya,

I'm no expert on BPD but I do have a BPD friend and so have done lots of reading... .  In my experience the closer the emotional attachment the blacker you are painted.  I have been through hell with my friend and in the early stages I kept taking the blame, begging for forgiveness saying I was sorry... .The other day I was upset he never bothered with my birthday and I felt he'd gone a step too far and now I'm blacker than black. He's blocked me from whatsapp - he's never done that before.   

In my friends case I believe he has massive abandoment fears and I triggered it. I don't know about you but I trigger him more than anyone else I know. Apart from his sister which he told me once he stopped speaking to her for a while.

Even though I get the full brunt he does ignore other people sometimes. He can be cold and rude, unreliable. It's all about control.

Everyone is different but she might really like you and they can be ultra sensitive to any kind of rejection. So even if you try and be nice she will only hear the bad things and that you don't want her.

I find the best thing to do is not react to silent treatment or to validate them.  What do you do when she gives you the silent treatment?  I find validation only works sometimes.

I don't think you can avoid being painted black in the future unless you walk on eggshells. Ultimately they need counselling and meds.  I hate being painted black but he needs to learn I'm not his puppet!

Take care

PP x

[ghoststory]

Hi ,first off thank you for taking the time to reply ,

this is the first time I have been painted black so not sure what is was that worked haha  I ignored it for three weeks but had to try something because we work together and being ignored by her plus others wondering why I was the devil makes me lose focus ,I've worked with her for 3 and a half years but only formed a friendship this year and went through the idealization phase, not knowing about BPD but been around and realized I dated some I had a sinking feeling this was all bad ,and I have before studying made little barbs in a joking manner "I bet you are a get bored in relationships quickly person" and "more than four compliments annoys you" so she knows I'm aware of her condition ,,but I figured well we laugh a lot I had seemed to slip into the friend category as she asked me for approval on people she wants to date so I thought it would never come to this I never had a friend flip a switch ,

this is my first black stage and I got deleted off social media within three hours your friend is more patient so that's good ,,haha and I haven't even mentioned it to her that I noticed my gut says to have some distance from her ,

I'm interested in how you two became friends ? is there any relationship type confusion ? I know even though I know it was right to not pursue her she is quite attractive and fun and even my boss made a comment this is boy girl drama not friend friend drama ,,and she would be right for it still feels like a breakup even though no romance is involved ,

in honesty though my approach wasn't validation motivated ,my mindset was I have a teasing personality and a little jerky ,not mean but playful , don't show to much real thoughts myself so I thought i'd take the things I never did approach we always clashed a little so I took the I am not fighting approach , she did the smearing and exaggerating  I took the explanation ,"oh just a friends dispute not even mad she'll get over it " with kind words to follow , and figured I never told her I value her as a friend leading to the "I am your friend and I love you and I don't give up on friends " and honestly I thought that would make it worse but a week not scheduled together and I come back and its over ,,who knows why

It's great you replied cause good to know another person is willing to learn to understand someone so a friendship can continue ,,again thank you ,,

[PinkPoker]

Hey,

No problem with replying. I always feel disappointed if no one replies and so I looked for posts with 0 replies and the fact yours is also about a friendship helps.

However I feel our friends with BPD are very different not only in gender but the fact yours had a job is a good thing!   Mine would Never be able to hold one down.

I think sometimes we can say things which flick a switch and we have no idea what it was until they hit us with that silent treatment.  One of the first times my friend did the black thing to me was when I spoke to him on the phone and he asked if I was going to rent or buy a house with my boyfriend (now ex).  I said we are buying and as far as I knew we ended that phone call on good terms.  Boy I was wrong!  He never spoke to me again for 2 months and when we saw each other after that time he was pasaive aggressive and after that he was fine with me again like nothing had happened and it was then I started researching online because his behaviour was not normal.

You've known your friend longer than I have. I've only known him a couple of years... .Ive learnt so much about him / his behaviour this year though.    im very often 'black' because I didn't return a message or phone call in a specific time and once again I think this comes down to him thinking I'm rejecting him. 

Do you think she asked for your approval because she thought you might show some jealousy? That you might ask her not to date anyone else?    Mine hasn't really done any dating apart from one girl once which he went to when he disapproved of me being drunk one night so left my table and went and sat on another with this girl and once again I was black for two weeks!

I think you're right about the drama thing one of my friends keeps saying just go on a dirty weekend and get it out of the way

I've tried to keep a note of what triggers him because unfortunately it will happen again and again but if you can learn a bit about what sets your friend off you might be able to avoid it happening so often.  However you don't want to end up not being you for the sake of pleasing her.   It sounds to me like you really care about her or you wouldn't be seeking advice.   Just becareful Because they can be charming when your white and the coldest monsters ever when you're black.  Some of the things my BPD friend has done makes me feel sick and unable to comprehend how one human being can treat another so cruelly.  So please look after yourself. 

Take care

PP x

[ghoststory]

LOL dirty weekend ... .yeah you seem to be put through a lot and it is different ,sorry , the only thing I can think is anger sets mine off ,,we have always clashed here and there but mostly made up in a timely manner until this time ,though one time I did take a week of time out so maybe this time she just got rid of me in fear I would retreat again ,, and thankfully mine has inner rage towards me no real major hurtful statements just  subtle pop offs that really is just projection on character flaws but not overly mean ,however I have heard her yell at others on the phone so maybe a bit of distance spares me that

not sure about the jealousy she shows no signs of romantic interest anymore however I have been seeing someone I mostly keep it to myself but she knows but never asked anything concerning it,

from what I have read though and even though I can't prove it to me it seems Women seem to be more high functioning where Men seem to be quite the mess or at least more skilled in image perceptions where men have a harder time to conceal it ,,I will be careful though and you as well ... .take care