S4 Trouble Concentrating In School

[Parents! Get help here!]

I wasn't sure whether to post here or on CP, so forgive me if it seems out of place.

My uBPD called me tonight as I was picking up the kids. She said that the teacher talked to her about S4 having trouble concentrating and was taking a long time to complete tasks. He's in transitional kindergarten. I said that I've always noticed some OCD traits starting just before he turned 2, and on the 20 question checklist for autism, he hits 3 (D2 hits none, and the list was actually given to me for D2). She said that he does things like obsesses and picks and things, and that I do that, implying that he gets it from me. Thankfully, she had to hang up to go to night class, as my instinct was to JADE, by saying that I always did well in school, and I never threw tantrums, unlike S4 who shows other hypersensitivities like she does to smells, textures and the like (never mind having trouble controlling his emotions and getting angry a lot like her). 

The disadvantage is that she picks him up from school a lot more, so she has a chance to talk to the teacher more. I may have to take time off work to start doing this so I can have more access. It's a madhouse in the morning dropping him off with 20 other kids.

I've noticed that he "zones out" a lot more recently. He still seems happy (in-between when he gets triggered), but in the mornings, I sometimes have to literally sit there and direct him to get dressed. If I leave the room for 10 mins, he hasn't done a thing when I return.

I'm trying to do the validation, if nothing else than for the trauma of being separated from both parents half the time since his mom moved out in February. It seemed to me, however, that he took it a lot better than D2.

I guess I just need to work with him more. I was a daydreamer, sure, but I never had problems taking a long time to do things. If anything, I was usually the first kid done with things in my classes, for example. Not sure what else I can do at this point, other than to keep validating, keeping in mind his triggers, and to work with him more at schoolwork.

[Turkish]

I wasn't sure whether to post here or on CP, so forgive me if it seems out of place.

My uBPD called me tonight as I was picking up the kids. She said that the teacher talked to her about S4 having trouble concentrating and was taking a long time to complete tasks. He's in transitional kindergarten. I said that I've always noticed some OCD traits starting just before he turned 2, and on the 20 question checklist for autism, he hits 3 (D2 hits none, and the list was actually given to me for D2). She said that he does things like obsesses and picks and things, and that I do that, implying that he gets it from me. Thankfully, she had to hang up to go to night class, as my instinct was to JADE, by saying that I always did well in school, and I never threw tantrums, unlike S4 who shows other hypersensitivities like she does to smells, textures and the like (never mind having trouble controlling his emotions and getting angry a lot like her). 

The disadvantage is that she picks him up from school a lot more, so she has a chance to talk to the teacher more. I may have to take time off work to start doing this so I can have more access. It's a madhouse in the morning dropping him off with 20 other kids.

I've noticed that he "zones out" a lot more recently. He still seems happy (in-between when he gets triggered), but in the mornings, I sometimes have to literally sit there and direct him to get dressed. If I leave the room for 10 mins, he hasn't done a thing when I return.

I'm trying to do the validation, if nothing else than for the trauma of being separated from both parents half the time since his mom moved out in February. It seemed to me, however, that he took it a lot better than D2.

I guess I just need to work with him more. I was a daydreamer, sure, but I never had problems taking a long time to do things. If anything, I was usually the first kid done with things in my classes, for example. Not sure what else I can do at this point, other than to keep validating, keeping in mind his triggers, and to work with him more at schoolwork.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

I'm no Dr., or Psychiatrist or Psychologist, Turkish, but your son reminds me of my oldest son, who definitely had undiagnosed ADD when he was very young, right on up to 21-years old when he was finally diagnosed with it (and beyond, till being successfully treated for it with ongoing Neurofeedback Therapy, starting in 2013). Mostly because he was born in 1977 and there was "no such thing" as ADD until he was maybe 17 or so.

Unfortunately for him, the lack of a proper diagnosis at a very young age--in order for him to fit in better in school--caused the trauma and bullying (by students and teachers--especially gym teachers--alike) that led to his emerging BPD by the time he was 16 or so. By now, you probably know the rest of his story (and if not, it's linked to in my signature line at the bottom of my posts), and you know that I hope this would never happen to anyone else's child

I guess what I am saying is that if your son has not been diagnosed with ADD, I'd energetically and thoroughly recommend you have him at least checked out for it. If he doesn't have it, that's great! If he does, then help him be treated for it (Neurofeedback Therapy is very well-documented as a successful treatment, eliminating the meds like Ritalin, etc.).

I'm the epitome of the helpful, hard-working Mom who did everything she could to help a child like this: tried to teach him how to not be distracted so easily, preparing him for every tricky thing that would derail his education, working tirelessly with him to get his homework done (only to have him somehow, mysteriously "lose it" by the time he got to class). I'm telling you, there was no one in the world who could have helped him more, or who could have loved him more. And it still didn't head off the blossoming of BPD in this poor kid whose psyche was damaged by the rest of the world thinking he was stupid, lazy or crazy, and then treating him that way.

Has he been tested for ADD/ADHD, Turkish? He's young enough for this to be treated easily, and sparing him a school experience like my own son's. One of my missions in life is to make sure parents know about ADD and the treatments for it. My own 2 nieces and a good friend of mine's son showed signs of ADD at very young ages, and I made sure they knew to have them tested for it. All 3 of them had Neurofeedback Therapy and all 3 of them had successful school years (they are in College now) and are doing GREAT! And none of them have ended up with BPD 

I so do not want your son to suffer like my own did 

[Turkish]

Thanks, RR. Those are great success stories with your kids!

Being a leaver, I obviously have some other issues to deal with, not appropriate for this board, but if it comes to that, I'll investigate with his pediatrician. I just called to make an appointment with my T who also counsels children.

After I wrote my post, S4 was acting very infantile. I triggered him, and I'm trying to walk the path of validating while placing boundaries. Something else may be going on at his mom's house. I just had the kids two days ago. I guess that's CP board stuff.

That's very sad about your son being bullied by teachers and peers. I experienced that for a different reason, and it definitely leaves scars. It's the "weakest in the pack" animal mentality.

All I can say is that while he seemed on the surface to handle the divorce better than D2, who had and still has some object constancy issues, she's the more emotionally resilient one. I need to handle him differently.

He turns 5 the end of next month, but is as big as a small 7 year old. There are also issues around him being bullied by older kids who don't realize that he's 4. He's kind of naive and sweet to other kids, and the fact that many don't get that (at the park, which I watch, and at his mom's apartment complex) adds a layer of invalidation.

[jellibeans]

Turkish

I visit the online ADD magazine and they often have webinars and articles I find very helpful. I think when you have a kid with ADHD you need to give extra support and there are many different tricks to help them stay organized and on track... .here is the link... .www.additudemag.com/

[Turkish]

Turkish

I visit the online ADD magazine and they often have webinars and articles I find very helpful. I think when you have a kid with ADHD you need to give extra support and there are many different tricks to help them stay organized and on track... .here is the link... .www.additudemag.com/

Thanks for the resource, jellibeans. S4 is on the border, no pun intended, and I could list exactly 5 traits/9. I have a question that Parents would probably know. How to interpret the following?

www.additudemag.com/adhd-web/article/645.html

3. Triggered Mood instability: People with ADHD are passionate people who have strong emotional reactions to the events of their lives. However, it is precisely this clear triggering of mood shifts that distinguishes ADHD from Bipolar mood shifts that come and go without any connection to life events. In addition, there is mood congruency in ADHD, that is, the mood reaction is appropriate in kind to the trigger. Happy events in the lives of ADHD individuals result in intensely happy and excited states of mood. Unhappy events and especially the experience of being rejected, criticized or teased elicit intense dysphoric states. This "rejection sensitive dysphoria" is one of the causes for the misdiagnosis of "borderline personality disorder".

[Turkish]

It may be also that something is going on at the other home. My ex is very open in some ways, yet so very secretive in others. S4's gone back to compulsive picking of his lip, like he's staring off into the distance. He's always done this, such that he had a permanently peeled lip. I'm going to limit tv at my house to almost nothing, even on weekends.

It was lightly sprinkling this morning. S4 went outside in his hoodie, as it wasn't raining hard enough to warrant a rain jacket since we were going from the front door to the car. He instantly startled and was bothered by the rain. D2, OTOH, followed me to the street when I went to retrieve the garbage can, sans any jacket or sweater, and was turning her face up to the sky to catch the rain. Interesting difference. She also has no compulsions that I can see; whereas, S4 already had the "picking" and obsessive counting thing going on by her age.

[Mutt]

It must be frustrating and perhaps a little scary with S5 Turkish? I'd like you to know I think your a caring and conscience dad and he's lucky to have a dad like you. I'm sure you'll get to the root of this problem with your S5 having you in his corner.

[pessim-optimist]

I think others are offering good suggestions. And while I'd say that you are definitely seeing some concerning signs that probably warrant your son being checked out, I want to point out one more thing that might complicate matters:

Your son looks older than he is, but neurologically, he is still a 4 year old. Kids that young (especially boys) are rarely ready for school at that age... .When I was little (and in a different country), school started at first grade rather than kindergarten and children were tested for school-readiness. Part of the test was whether the child could reach over their head and touch the opposite ear with their hand (left ear with right hand or right ear with left hand).

I just researched this on the internet and I could even find several articles on this topic... .

[Turkish]

Thanks for the support, Mutt. I'm trying.

That's a good point about school readiness. I was reading a lot of the page that jellibeans offered and it's a lot of information to take in. I'm going to do the hand ear test in the morning 

Other than some light bullying by older kids who think he's six or seven, I've never observed social problems with him. If anything, he is too friendly and open (and irreverent). Both kids are. I personally know how bullying can damage a child though. I was bullied by my second grade teacher such that my mom switched schools halfway through that year. She only told me many years later why. I was special needs.

I have an appointment with the T next week (more for boundary issues regarding my Ex, but I'll.work S4 into it), and we if I can get at least a few minutes with the teacher tomorrow morning. I volunteered in his class late in October and was pleased that S4 finished the three activity tables we had going in the top 3rd of the class. This is something out of the blue, but not surprising. If this is a drtic change in his classroom behavior, then something else could be going on, too, which I'll talk about elswhere to not take up Parenting bandwidth.

He seemed better tonight. Not as triggered by little things. I spent extra time playing with them,.and going over a reading sheet.

[jellibeans]

turkish

I like that quote you posted... .I have often wondered the same thing and that is what is so interesting about the ADD mag site... .they really talk about many of the same thing my dd has. Maybe it is not so im[portant to put a label on it as to just try and deal with the individual and their struggles.

I think my dd might have been better off being home schooled but I am really not the person for that.

[nomoreoptions]

ADHD/BPD often occurs together. Executive functioning scores are typically very low for both. Our BPD/ADD adoptive son has a fairly high iq, but an extremely low executive function score profile.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

I talked to his teacher this morning. She said that he's gotten progressively slower. She has him sit with her to get things done. They also have a "baby room" where it seems they threaten or even put kids. She said it gets his attention as he doesn't like to go to the baby room. I kind of chuckle at this (I have a bit of a twisted sense of humor). The teacher isn't that much older than me, probably early 50s, but she seems kind of old school. This is transitional kindergarten. He turns 5 the end of next month. I signed him up for M-W-F rather than just T-Th, but am thinking maybe I should have done M-F. Given the winter break, I'm thinking of a lot of activities and some academic practice as well. Their mom's going overseas on vacation for 10 days after Christmas and I've put in vacation time to spend it with them 100%. No baby sitter (which is my former MIL).

I also signed up for a parenting class through the church. I've started reading the book, and while I agree with some of it, I'm also rejecting some. I'm not a mirror, and as my T observed, I have a healthy disrespect for his profession (which he also said he had). I'll take in any data, but at the end of the day go with my gut. That being said, I'm not intransiagent either. If something works, I'll go with it until it doesn't or circumstances change or dictate that I need to change.

[jdtm]

I suspect strongly that your son suffers from severe anxiety.  Research has shown that if a person's brain has to deal with emotional issues or cognitive issues, the brain will choose "emotional" every time.  It is the way humans are wired.  So, of course, your son will have difficulty learning.  And, the "hesitation factor" is a large part of anxiety - one reason why your son is getting "progressively slower".  By the way, children with anxiety are often diagnosed with ADD/ADHD; when, in fact, it is the anxiety which causes the symptoms similar to ADD/ADHD.

An excellent book I found was "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine N. Aron.  There are suggestions at the back of this book for teachers.  Googling "anxiety and learning" or similar words/phrases should also be helpful.  There are many, many books and internet sites for children suffering from anxiety (and OCD is one of the anxiety disorders).  But, you are on the right track by lessening his anxiety re less school, more social activities, a bit of tutoring, etc.

Our granddaughter suffered from severe anxiety - her mother had uBPD.  So, we have been there.  Today, our granddaughter is in college, doing well and her mother - well, that is another story.  All the best ... .