Relationships with the kids

[Our abuse recovery guide]

One of the ways uBPD SIL controls our extended family is by limiting contact with her kids.  She also tells them lies about us and other things that young children shouldn't be aware of.

It's difficult on my to have her kids not only be disrespectful to me but also to be kept away from me.  My own children & the grandparents are feeling the effects even more.  I have to come up with some reason about why SIL isn't attending family get togethers anymore (she's punishing all of us for some perceived slight by giving us the silent treatment).  I'm considering telling my kids their aunt is sick when they ask where their aunt, uncle, & cousins are, since really, it's the illness causing all this.

When SIL had kids, I always thought I'd try to have some form of relationship with them so when they're teenagers and rebel against her, I could be there for them.  She seems to be actively trying to prevent me having a relationship with them.  But my kids really miss their cousins and my parents are devastated not to see the grandkids. The last time she did this we didn't see her children for about 8 months.  At this point I'm thinking it might be even longer this time, because I've finally reached the end of putting up with SIL's manipulations and abuse.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to keep some type of relationship with the kids?  Or how to handle the cousin thing with my children?  Or have suggestions I can tell my parents about?

[bubblegirl]

One of the ways uBPD SIL controls our extended family is by limiting contact with her kids.  She also tells them lies about us and other things that young children shouldn't be aware of.

It's difficult on my to have her kids not only be disrespectful to me but also to be kept away from me.  My own children & the grandparents are feeling the effects even more.  I have to come up with some reason about why SIL isn't attending family get togethers anymore (she's punishing all of us for some perceived slight by giving us the silent treatment).  I'm considering telling my kids their aunt is sick when they ask where their aunt, uncle, & cousins are, since really, it's the illness causing all this.

When SIL had kids, I always thought I'd try to have some form of relationship with them so when they're teenagers and rebel against her, I could be there for them.  She seems to be actively trying to prevent me having a relationship with them.  But my kids really miss their cousins and my parents are devastated not to see the grandkids. The last time she did this we didn't see her children for about 8 months.  At this point I'm thinking it might be even longer this time, because I've finally reached the end of putting up with SIL's manipulations and abuse.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to keep some type of relationship with the kids?  Or how to handle the cousin thing with my children?  Or have suggestions I can tell my parents about?

[Kwamina]

Hello bubblegirl

I'm considering telling my kids their aunt is sick when they ask where their aunt, uncle, & cousins are, since really, it's the illness causing all this.

Perhaps this is a good strategy. It's hard on children to understand what's going on when family-members have BPD. Do you feel like your children might perhaps be blaming themselves for what's going on?

I have to come up with some reason about why SIL isn't attending family get togethers anymore (she's punishing all of us for some perceived slight by giving us the silent treatment).

What was the perceived slight that led up to this most recent period of giving you the silent treatment?

When SIL had kids, I always thought I'd try to have some form of relationship with them so when they're teenagers and rebel against her, I could be there for them.  She seems to be actively trying to prevent me having a relationship with them.

This is a very unfortunate aspect of BPD several of our members have experienced. Many people with BPD often have manipulative tendencies and children then become bargaining chips. It seems like that is what's going on here, she's using her kids or to be more precise the access to her kids as a way to punish you and your parents.

The last time she did this we didn't see her children for about 8 months.  At this point I'm thinking it might be even longer this time, because I've finally reached the end of putting up with SIL's manipulations and abuse.

Not seeing them for 8 months must have been very hard for you, your own children and your parents as well. Did anything specific happen at the end of that 8 month period that caused her to cease the silent treatment? Or did it just end as suddenly as it started?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Bubblegirl!

Welcome!

I have a thought to share with you that has come from my own experience as being a child of a pw uBPD. We all went NC as a family when I was 12, and for about 20 more years I had virtually no contact with any of the family members that my mom so despised. She made us totally scared of them, told us we were betraying her if we ever saw them, and basically instilled the fear of God and 'may lightening fall down from heaven on us' was how we thought it would be if she ever heard that we saw them.

Here I am 40 years later, having had contact with them through the past 20 years, now that I chose to do so. However, for the first time this summer, I went on a weekend journey specifically for the purpose of really and truly reconnecting with my aunts. I told them the truth about my mom and asked questions. They are not as bad as what my mom always led us to believe.

This is the one thing that my aunts and grandparents did to stay in touch with me:  they sent me a card on my birthday every year and a Christmas card. Faithfully, year after year. I kept them as treasures. Sometimes they wrote to me when I was away in college (long before emails!). The cards never said much as far as words went, just a "Happy Birthday" and "Love" whoever it was from. But I can look back at the stack of cards, and they are something that I see as faithfulness and love and concern for me. They were a huge part of my being able to take the step of courage to reach out to them.

A day will hopefully come for you when they will reach out to you, when the things your nieces and nephews have learned will be questioned by them. They will know you are there. I'm finally getting to know my cousins too, but I'll never know them the way I should've as a child growing up because we are all adults now and only get together for weddings and funerals.

Woolspinner 

[ElvisLives]

Before my mother arrived here to visit, I told my children what I thought was going on with her.  They have always known that I didn't have a good relationship with her, but given their ages, 19,17 and 12, I figured they would be able to handle it.

I also wanted them to be aware of her traits and patterns.  My eldest has already had one situation where my mother did the 'nice question' followed up by a stab in the heart, which is her usual MO.  Knowing what it was has helped her understand what was going on and not feel hurt from it.

I totally advocate telling kids if you think they're old enough to handle it.  Give them strategies to cope and talk it through with you. 

[bubblegirl]

Kwamina: I don't think my kids yet know what's going on or feel guilt over it yet.  They still have only fond feelings for their aunt at this point. The perceived slight is difficult to explain quickly, but basically SIL lives nearby me, and started to paint one of my neighbors black. He just couldn't do anything right.  One day he did something (that seemed 100% normal to me) and SIL went into a rage over it. She called the police and told them some paranoid delusions about how he's got it in for her, and then asked me to go speak to the police to back her up. I felt uncomfortable because I hadn't witnessed it or anything unusual this neighbor. She blew up at me, saying that she's not surprised I won't support her in this, because I'm never there for her and I've always been against her and never wanted her in the family, etc etc. Lots of paranoid stuff with no basis in reality. So, because I wouldn't lie to the police, that means I hate her. I'm so fed up.  Last time she blew up at me like this (saying pretty much the same stuff) she didn't speak to us for those 8 months.  And then suddenly one day texted me to ask about a family get together, as if nothing had happened at all.  She never said a word about it again and was as sweet as pie at the family event.  Everyone made excuses for her behavior, that she was under a lot of stress.  But no, I really think that is backwards.  The explosion was just a window into the kind of torment of negativity and distrust she's truly in everyday, and being sweet with everyone afterwards was the facade.

Woospinner, thank you so much for that, your post really touched me.  I do plan to send cards, even if SIL throws them away.  I have to keep trying.  You have given me hope.

ElvisLives, My kids are still so young, in elementary school.  I am not sure they're ready to hear about it yet.  Or maybe I'm just not solid enough with all this myself to be ready to work them through it!  I think you're right, that teens should know and develop their own coping skills.  I'm sure as my kids get older they'll start noticing more of the problems.  Kids can be so perceptive.

[funfunctional]

Hi Bubble,

I am NC with BPD sister.   My kids miss their cousins.  Problem is this.   If I try to maintain with my nephews/nieces she will have to become a part of my life again.   I can't do it.    The price to pay is "yes, so that my kids and I can live in peace and not see all the awful disfunction we have to stay away".    One could flip this around and my BPD sister could do her little victim thing "oh, my sister won't let the kids see each other".   I know she is doign this in the background and I DON"T CARE.    Until my BPD sister gets help for her illness and addiction issues nothing will change.    She has completely made me the bad guy and I DON"T CARE.   I hit a burn out point.

Many people grow up with not a lot of cousin interaction.  I don't see many of mine.  Haven't spoken to a couple in 10 years or more.    Works for me.   I have friends and my kids have friends.  I LOVE these friends and the kids love them too and their kids who are LIKE their cousins.

When mental illness is in a family that is this destructive we need to make our own circles for our families.    Often that includes friend circles.   Being related is BS.  Too many people put up with too much emotional abuse and torment in the name of "blood".     

Not meaning to sound blunt and I feel for your situation.   But we have to be happy.   I personally don't trust my BPD sister and wouldn't put it past her to call my kids or do something to try to drive a wedge between us.  I want her away!


:'(

[bubblegirl]

Funfuncional, thank you, your post brought up a lot of thoughts for me that I hadn't considered.

I think I'm sad for a few reasons about losing contact with the kids.  One, because I feel like I'm somehow abandoning them to their dysfunctional mother.  It's hard to realize I have no abilty to help them. :'(  And two, because I always wished I could be close to my own cousins, but we lived too far apart.  I had hoped that my own kids would have what I could not.

As for friends, we have a few very close ones who we consider family, and we've often told each other that we're all closer than we are to our own families. As I get past my grief & anger, I'm sure that will be more of a comfort.  I feel pretty much the same about my SIL as you do your sister, just can't be around her anymore, whatsoever. You're right, being related by blood sure isn't everything!  And what do I want, really, kids who are subjected to her abuse and manipulation but see their cousins? Or kids who don't see their cousins but are surrounded by healthy relationships?

[TurkBoo]

Functional, thank you so much for your response.  I have also chosen NC for the sake of my kids and myself.  My uBPDs started manipulating my daughter and I refused to let her.  I am the bad guy to those who want me to be, but most of my family sees what she does and accepts it.