NC and she sends me this, now im hurting...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

"okay im deleting your phone number. bye."

why does she have to make this so hard?

i feel like this is desperation... the last time she deleted my number was during nc last time and she was app "drunk".

thoughts and support are really needed im having a rough night.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

"okay im deleting your phone number. bye."

why does she have to make this so hard?

i feel like this is desperation... the last time she deleted my number was during nc last time and she was app "drunk".

thoughts and support are really needed im having a rough night.

[DangIthurts]

Reaction... I've been told I'm not the one, Whatever bye have a nice life at least 3-4 times since we've hardly communicated and the most recent communication was her.

Probably just trying to get you mad to validate or see what kind of leverage she has.

[Splitblack4good]

Reaction... I've been told I'm not the one, Whatever bye have a nice life at least 3-4 times since we've hardly communicated and the most recent communication was her.

Probably just trying to get you mad to validate or see what kind of leverage she has.

Lol I told my ex I was moving on in a reply to her last text to me didn't hear anything back then rang me 4 days later to say its over you got to move on dont contact me anymore ! They really are funny people it's like playgrounds tactics my dads bigger than yours ! Just have to have the last word

[Splitblack4good]

"okay im deleting your phone number. bye."

why does she have to make this so hard?

i feel like this is desperation... the last time she deleted my number was during nc last time and she was app "drunk".

thoughts and support are really needed im having a rough night.

just reply with ok bye or sorry who's this ? I don't recognise this number it will make it look like you deleted her number ages  ago and may deliver some pain !

[Mutt]

"okay im deleting your phone number. bye."

why does she have to make this so hard?

i feel like this is desperation... the last time she deleted my number was during nc last time and she was app "drunk".

thoughts and support are really needed im having a rough night.

Chasing_Ghosts that stings. I'm sorry.

Lack of impulse control and the ability to think things through compounded with feelings. Feelings are quicksilver to a person with BPD. I'd wager she either didn't delete your number to telegraph she has feelings she's having difficulties dealing with. Or, she did and she'll add the number when her emotions regulate.

A goal that you can set for yourself is to become indifferent. Depersonalize this behavior and work on your triggers. It takes effort and it takes time. Like anything you practice in life it becomes easier and eventually you master it. You'll be able to see when you are emotionally detached how dysfunctional her behaviors are.

She's triggered about something. It's not personal. This is about her inabiliyy to self sooth and think things through. I understand that it hurts. It gets better.

Hang in there.

--Mutt

[Splitblack4good]

"okay im deleting your phone number. bye."

why does she have to make this so hard?

i feel like this is desperation... the last time she deleted my number was during nc last time and she was app "drunk".

thoughts and support are really needed im having a rough night.

Chasing_Ghosts that stings. I'm sorry.

Lack of impulse control and the ability to think things through compounded with feelings. Feelings are quicksilver to a person with BPD. I'd wager she either didn't delete your number to telegraph she has feelings she's having difficulties dealing with. Or, she did and she'll add the number when her emotions regulate.

A goal that you can set for yourself is to become indifferent. Depersonalize this behavior and work on your triggers. It takes effort and it takes time. Like anything you practice in life it becomes easier and eventually you master it. You'll be able to see when you are emotionally detached how dysfunctional her behaviors are.

She's triggered about something. It's not personal. This is about her inabiliyy to self sooth and think things through. I understand that it hurts. It gets better.

Hang in there.

--Mutt

good words mutt that has even help me today thanks

[OutOfEgypt]

She's trying to get you to react.  She's testing you.  These as childish games they play to try to pull us back in and get a reaction from us.  She is a manipulator.  They don't know any other way to deal with their uncomfortable feelings and with attachments other than through manipulation and control.

[Mutt]

Is It Emotional Blackmail?

Forward and Frazier’s labeling of this dynamic with inflammatory terms such as "blackmail" and "manipulation" may not be so helpful as it is both polarizing and it implies premeditation and malicious intent which is often not the case. It helps to remember that the person who is acting in a controlling way often wants something from the other person that is legitimate to want. They may want to feel loved, safe, valuable, appreciated, supported, needed, etc. This is not the problem. The problem is often more a matter of how they are going about getting what they want, or that they are insensitive to our needs in doing so that is troubling - and how we react to all of this.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[guy4caligirl]

Is It Emotional Blackmail?

Forward and Frazier’s labeling of this dynamic with inflammatory terms such as "blackmail" and "manipulation" may not be so helpful as it is both polarizing and it implies premeditation and malicious intent which is often not the case. It helps to remember that the person who is acting in a controlling way often wants something from the other person that is legitimate to want. They may want to feel loved, safe, valuable, appreciated, supported, needed, etc. This is not the problem. The problem is often more a matter of how they are going about getting what they want, or that they are insensitive to our needs in doing so that is troubling - and how we react to all of this.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Mutt

What's your take on this last post ? I tried everything and some to make her feel wanted validated needed in a very calm way and her response is still the same , either being nice or ugly to her Doesn't work it's just it's over .

[Earthbayne]

It's a trigger. She's trying to get you to react.

We all know she really ISN'T going to delete your number. She'll be back. They always come back.

[OutOfEgypt]

While I do agree that their manipulative techniques are pretty much knee-jerk ways to get what they want, and that those wants are usually legitimate, I still think that one of the other problems it that their wants are often extremely exaggerated and unhealthy -which they refuse to see.  For example, it is legitimate and healthy to want companionship and connection.  However, it is exaggerated, unhealthy, needy, and damaging to demand that someone lose themselves in revolving completely around you.  In other words, they are like a black hole -it cannot ever be filled.  Furthermore, their desperate denial about their behavior keeps them thinking that everyone is out to get them when in reality people don't *want* to be close to them, or don't have any desire to validate them, because of how they act.  For example, the mothers in my youngest child's classroom generally avoid communicating with her and only make plans for play-dates through me.  This, of course, sets my ex off, triggering her deep insecurities and desire to be validated... .but she will never see that they avoid her because of how she acts.  My ex also will never forgive me for thinking that she is a "bad mom", but she is... .has been and currently is.  She hurts our children.  I'm sure she is desperate to see herself as being a better mom than her mom was to her, which is legitimate and understandable, but when that isn't really true... .then what?

[peiper]

Emotional blackmail, I think she wanted you to contact her. Something set off some fears inside of her.

[Splitblack4good]

Just as I was having a pretty naff day thinking of my ex (realy missing her) I have days when all I can think is thank God im not with her anymore days were I think on and off do I miss her dont I ? I love her but she didn't love me so wasted part of my life thinking it was real. I'm 2 weeks into NC hadn't heard anything from her either then I got a text .

Something's wrong with the Sky tv box can you come over take a look at it .

Thought that was really random when ever the sky or tv played up ive always sort it out do you think she was just trying for some reaction? I didn't reply just ignored it.

Was tempted to text back but then thought maybe it wasn't for me .

[fromheeltoheal]

Someone who wants to delete a phone number just does it, they don't announce it.  It's a test to see if an emotional attachment is still in place and if you respond, it is; emotional attachments are everything to borderlines.  If you don't she will eventually give up and go chase the next shiny object.  Up to you how long you stay on the roller coaster.

[Splitblack4good]

Someone who wants to delete a phone number just does it, they don't announce it.  It's a test to see if an emotional attachment is still in place and if you respond, it is; emotional attachments are everything to borderlines.  If you don't she will eventually give up and go chase the next shiny object.  Up to you how long you stay on the roller coaster.

Thing is she already has a new bf my replacement in fact ! So I was abit miffed ? And was random

[peiper]

Someone who wants to delete a phone number just does it, they don't announce it.  It's a test to see if an emotional attachment is still in place and if you respond, it is; emotional attachments are everything to borderlines.  If you don't she will eventually give up and go chase the next shiny object.  Up to you how long you stay on the roller coaster.

Thing is she already has a new bf my replacement in fact ! So I was abit miffed ? And was random

These personalities always have a backup. Many times it's an ex. They can't stand not having someone, their fix.

[Splitblack4good]

Someone who wants to delete a phone number just does it, they don't announce it.  It's a test to see if an emotional attachment is still in place and if you respond, it is; emotional attachments are everything to borderlines.  If you don't she will eventually give up and go chase the next shiny object.  Up to you how long you stay on the roller coaster.

Thing is she already has a new bf my replacement in fact ! So I was abit miffed ? And was random

These personalities always have a backup. Many times it's an ex. They can't stand not having someone, their fix.

thats the first bit of contact ive had from her in 2 weeks I've been NC surly she could think of something better to say than that ? I didn't get a second text and Thers no way I'm going round ther after such a bad break up they do play such childish games I'm staying NC to get my sanity back !

[Splitblack4good]

Plus I've got a feeling that was to bait me !

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Someone who wants to delete a phone number just does it, they don't announce it.  It's a test to see if an emotional attachment is still in place and if you respond, it is; emotional attachments are everything to borderlines.  If you don't she will eventually give up and go chase the next shiny object.  Up to you how long you stay on the roller coaster.

Thing is she already has a new bf my replacement in fact ! So I was abit miffed ? And was random

These personalities always have a backup. Many times it's an ex. They can't stand not having someone, their fix.

thats the first bit of contact ive had from her in 2 weeks I've been NC surly she could think of something better to say than that ? I didn't get a second text and Thers no way I'm going round ther after such a bad break up they do play such childish games I'm staying NC to get my sanity back !

Mine used to bring up all kinds of ___ from band i like. To questions about movies we watched. As heel said its to see if an emotional attachments in place.

Its bait... Bite fishy bite. *insert ex BPDs baby voice*

[Splitblack4good]

Il prob get another text in the morning then or abuse because she only had 5 channels instead of 105 ! Lol 

[Splitblack4good]

Il prob get another text in the morning then or abuse because she only had 5 channels instead of 105 ! Lol 

Anyway I'm the darkest shade of black at the moment and she is idolisation phase with her new play thing ! I've got a feeling she has been chatting to a mutual freind that I might of said a few things to ha ha been doin some baiting of my own !

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Il prob get another text in the morning then or abuse because she only had 5 channels instead of 105 ! Lol  

You should tell her she might get better service if she *cough* "makes friends with cable man" *cough*  

Anyway I'm the darkest shade of black at the moment and she is idolisation phase with her new play thing ! I've got a feeling she has been chatting to a mutual freind that I might of said a few things to ha ha been doin some baiting of my own !

Ahhh... looks like two can play at this game!  

[Splitblack4good]

Emotional abuse more like it Thers no way I'm being the 3rd party in her sick little triangle ! She should of treated me better to start with its all mind games I think she may have found out ive moved on oh no !

[Splitblack4good]

To be honest Yer ther are times I do miss her and Yer I love her but that time has past in her mind what she does is normal she needs to get a lid on her s**t that lid won't be be !

[LuckyEscapee]

Wowee this thread transported me back in time. I had forgotten (yay) all the times my exuBPD deleted his email account, told me he was deleting my number, told me never to ever contact him. It was a weekly event, then back he would pop, with his "if I ever meant anything to you, please respond" approach. This was all in the midst of being painted black, and being replaced with someone "much better".

Instead after finding the great advice on this site, I took myself off the contact grid. This achieved some much needed breathing, thinking, healing space. Eventually he got my new email and acted as though none of the horror show had ever happened?

That is when delete and block become your best friends. True full no contact ended the cycle of madness for me.Still he tries to contact me about every six months, but that's his problem not mine. I'm staying off the crazy highway.

It is always all about them, it is all about someone to feed their voids. It is never ever about you.

[TAR]

just reply with ok bye or sorry who's this ? I don't recognise this number it will make it look like you deleted her number ages  ago and may deliver some pain ![/quote]
Boy do I understand this hurt as well, but I believe this is a defense mechanism intended to spark validation or the desire/need to get something from you.  In any event, if you are in NC of your choice to give yourself some time to heal, I'm not sure I fully agree with returning yet another hurtful comment to deliver some pain.  Just try hard to stay in NC, I'm almost certain you will be hearing from them soon enough. 

This coming from me, someone who recently in frustration and anguish, blasted my soBPD with text after text of hurtful words and vindictive slams only to realize how childish and harmful I was being.  Just when I thought my soBPD would never want to have another word with me again, he texted a day and a half later about how he spent the afternoon bleaching the microwave and windowsills, as if nothing had happened at all.  It's how they reel us back in.

I stumbled onto this site only days after and have been reading everything.  I know in my heart I don't want to hurt this person even though they have stripped me of everything.  I feel sorry for them and wish I had come to my senses sooner and were strong enough to be a caretaker in hopes of helping him in some way.  Don't try to inflict pain, it might seem to be the right answer at the moment, but it serves no purpose.