I never got "blamed for everything"?

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I realize my BPD ex never really blamed me for everything with the breakup. She had a few little slights during devaluation but never anything directly stating that the breakup was all my fault.

Kinda confused since she also seemed to want to "protect me" from certain aspects of herself i could tell she wanted to let out as well.

Does this mean i was actually different to her and maybe she did realize it was her fault but instead of blaming me just kept quiet.

Thoughts?

[Earthbayne]

It depends, my ex said it was her fault, but then immediately followed it by pointing the finger at me, thinly veiled blame.

She made it seem that it was HER fault because of things I did or external forces other than me. She was saying it was her fault, buuuuuuuuuuuuuut not really.

If you start deciphering things they say, you'll eventually find that they blame anything else except themselves, even when it seems like they are accepting responsibility.

[Confused?]

I think it depends on the type of BPD or the traits they have. Mine was a waif hermit. While being replaced she lied about everything. She projected onto me like no other. Eventually she got to the point of saying how sorry she was. She never blamed me. She said it was her fault. I think it's worse that way in healing because you question a lot. If my ex blamed me for her leaving and said I am a horrible person it would be a lot easier to detach.

[vortex of confusion]

My husband rarely blames me for things yet I still somehow feel that it is my fault. It is a mind f**k.

My husband blames himself for everything. I tried to have a conversation with him about how I don't feel like I can talk to him and that I am afraid to open up to him because of all of the times that he has pushed me away. He says stuff like, "I (meaning him) deserve this." or "I earned this." It is him taking all of the blame and acting like a martyr.

I have been reading a lot about the waifs as that seems to describe my husband. There are quiet borderlines that don't seem to blame others as much as they use guilt, passive/aggressiveness, victim mentality, and other more subtle tactics.

Even when I am clearly being a jerk and try to apologize for it, I get stuff like, "it was my fault you were a jerk!" And I respond with, "What are you talking about? There was no excuse for my behavior." That makes things even more confusing and mind blowing because I have been reading here and most people talk about how their partners blame them for everything. Yes, there are times when he blames me for stuff but I would say that most of the time he plays the "poor, pitiful me" act.

[HappyNihilist]

I realize my BPD ex never really blamed me for everything with the breakup. She had a few little slights during devaluation but never anything directly stating that the breakup was all my fault.

My exbf never blamed me for everything, either. He would paint me black during rages, but then everything was fine again. He wasn't raging during the breakup (he'd long since passed into indifference), so I didn't get any sort of litany about my flaws or shortcomings or failings in the relationship. I didn't get much of anything other than a dismissal from his life. The only thing he gave me as an sort of "reason" -- after much sobbing and asking "why?" like a child on my part -- was, "You're too special of a person to waste another second of your life on an ass like me." But in his own special way, that could have been him blaming me for everything, I suppose.  

We've talked since the breakup, and he's neither blamed me nor taken responsibility himself. I don't really know how he views the end of the relationship; that's not emotional territory I want to venture into with him.

Kinda confused since she also seemed to want to "protect me" from certain aspects of herself i could tell she wanted to let out as well.

I've gotten that impression from my exbf, too. The way he always treated me, his "closing line," the weird sort of affection he still seems to have for me. But he's a complicated and disordered human being, and it's really beyond me to try to understand him. All that I do know is that he's not healthy for me. Beyond that, I have to let go.

Does this mean i was actually different to her and maybe she did realize it was her fault but instead of blaming me just kept quiet.

Thoughts?

We all have different types of relationships over the course of our lives. Some people impact us in different ways. We deal with certain people differently. People with PDs are not exempt from these basic human truths.

Most importantly, though, how does this affect you? Is it important to you somehow to have been "different" to her? What would this mean to you? What are you looking for?

[vortex of confusion]

Most importantly, though, how does this affect you? Is it important to you somehow to have been "different" to her? What would this mean to you? What are you looking for?

I am not the original poster but wanted to chime in because I have always wanted to feel/know that I was special/different to my husband at some point in the relationship. I didn't date very much before him but I can say that while I was with the guys that I dated, I felt special to them. They made me feel like I was different than all of the other girls. It was how they looked at me, how they treated me, and how I felt when I was with them. Even though things didn't work out between us, I knew that I was special to them. I would like to know that my husband thinks of me as special and different than others. Most of the time, I feel like he could replace me with anybody and that I am nothing special to him. He acts as though there is absolutely nothing about me that makes me different from all of the other women in this world.

[Cielo]

My ex never blamed me for anything either.  She actually said that she doesn't know why she doesn't have anymore feelings for me (a week after she said she was falling for me) and that I was the perfect guy.  She said she thought she was crazy, I  didn't argue.

I think that these are the toughest to move on from because there is nothing to point to. We all need to learn from our experiences and having someone flip their emotional switch isn't much of a life lesson for us non-BPDs.   

[Deeno02]

Wish I could say the same, but it was all me, and perhaps my daughter as well. No blame on her shoulders.

[Blimblam]

I think it depends on the type of BPD or the traits they have. Mine was a waif hermit. While being replaced she lied about everything. She projected onto me like no other. Eventually she got to the point of saying how sorry she was. She never blamed me. She said it was her fault. I think it's worse that way in healing because you question a lot. If my ex blamed me for her leaving and said I am a horrible person it would be a lot easier to detach.

Yeah I identify with this. My ex never really blamed me directly. It was more about how I couldn't do anything right. Constant belittling and holding me in frustration and contempt. She made it seem more like it just wasn't meant to be.  Even going so far to say it wasn't anything I did. The between the lines message was it was becuase every single breath I took and movement I made was wrong. Any sort of nice wording like that was thinly vieled pitty and comtempt for how I was such a miserable failure in every concievable way. Everything very subtle with multiple layers of meaning.

[Infern0]

I got told that the timing wasn't right,  that I was an amazing and loving guy and that I made her happier than anyone ever could,  that she felt that she needed to work on herself because she knew that me and her would be together for a very long time and that she needed to be ready to give 100%. That she belived that once she had worked on herself we would get back together and it would be forever.

About 3 days later I discovered I'd been replaced

[Sandman1881]

I will add that after some time and conditioning, they do not have to speak, or repeat, the words "It's all your fault." You were already primed to accept that it was. We now realize and accept that it was not your fault.    

Perfect example... .I started to wake up to the fact that my ex was cheating, or better yet prepping her next piece. So if we had a fight about something she didn't like, I might say hear the train horn in the distance and say "there's your train." I'm no angel obviously. She would then cut and run and go cheat. Taking the train back to the city to do so. Then after using some other fool, she would text "Stop sending me to other men." Get it? She was blaming me for her cheating. While likely riddled with shame and contempt for herself, her behavior and lack of self-control. Contempt for me and vindication for her. What planet do you think she's from?  

Blessings***

[Infern0]

I will add that after some time and conditioning, they do not have to speak, or repeat, the words "It's all your fault." You were already primed to accept that it was. We now realize and accept that it was not your fault.    

Perfect example... .I started to wake up to the fact that my ex was cheating, or better yet prepping her next piece. So if we had a fight about something she didn't like, I might say hear the train horn in the distance and say "there's your train." I'm no angel obviously. She would then cut and run and go cheat. Taking the train back to the city to do so. Then after using some other fool, she would text "Stop sending me to other men." Get it? She was blaming me for her cheating. While likely riddled with shame and contempt for herself, her behavior and lack of self-control. Contempt for me and vindication for her. What planet do you think she's from?  

Blessings***

I've actually witnessed this happen first hand,  it's not a nice thing to be a part of (me being the poor fool)

They come to you and tell you their partner is being abusive and hurting them,  next minute they cheat with you and then they go back to the "abuser" who then tries extra hard to make them happy and keep them.

there's no winners in this situation, all the nons involved are falling for different sets of lies

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I will add that after some time and conditioning, they do not have to speak, or repeat, the words "It's all your fault." You were already primed to accept that it was. We now realize and accept that it was not your fault.     

Perfect example... .I started to wake up to the fact that my ex was cheating, or better yet prepping her next piece. So if we had a fight about something she didn't like, I might say hear the train horn in the distance and say "there's your train." I'm no angel obviously. She would then cut and run and go cheat. Taking the train back to the city to do so. Then after using some other fool, she would text "Stop sending me to other men." Get it? She was blaming me for her cheating. While likely riddled with shame and contempt for herself, her behavior and lack of self-control. Contempt for me and vindication for her. What planet do you think she's from? 

Blessings***

I've actually witnessed this happen first hand,  it's not a nice thing to be a part of (me being the poor fool)

They come to you and tell you their partner is being abusive and hurting them,  next minute they cheat with you and then they go back to the "abuser" who then tries extra hard to make them happy and keep them.

there's no winners in this situation, all the nons involved are falling for different sets of lies

Im a freaking dNPD and i fell for the lines. She plays from the old playbook i used to run on girls.(Minus having sex and claiming them to be abusive) And with her i finally stopped wanted to settle down. Stop all the games. This has to be some kind of a sick celestial joke on my past behaviors... I've finally woke up after a dose of my own medicine.

I need a drink.

[Sandman1881]

I think it depends on the type of BPD or the traits they have. Mine was a waif hermit. While being replaced she lied about everything. She projected onto me like no other. Eventually she got to the point of saying how sorry she was. She never blamed me. She said it was her fault. I think it's worse that way in healing because you question a lot. If my ex blamed me for her leaving and said I am a horrible person it would be a lot easier to detach.

Yeah I identify with this. My ex never really blamed me directly. It was more about how I couldn't do anything right. Constant belittling and holding me in frustration and contempt. She made it seem more like it just wasn't meant to be.  Even going so far to say it wasn't anything I did. The between the lines message was it was becuase every single breath I took and movement I made was wrong. Any sort of nice wording like that was thinly vieled pitty and comtempt for how I was such a miserable failure in every concievable way. Everything very subtle with multiple layers of meaning.

Exactly. Saved me the typing. Thanks! Additionally I have officially decided to stop saying that "I was in love/loved with her." I now choose to use the words "I was involved with her." And my ex should never say those 3 words to ANYONE ever!

[Deeno02]

I think it depends on the type of BPD or the traits they have. Mine was a waif hermit. While being replaced she lied about everything. She projected onto me like no other. Eventually she got to the point of saying how sorry she was. She never blamed me. She said it was her fault. I think it's worse that way in healing because you question a lot. If my ex blamed me for her leaving and said I am a horrible person it would be a lot easier to detach.

Yeah I identify with this. My ex never really blamed me directly. It was more about how I couldn't do anything right. Constant belittling and holding me in frustration and contempt. She made it seem more like it just wasn't meant to be.  Even going so far to say it wasn't anything I did. The between the lines message was it was becuase every single breath I took and movement I made was wrong. Any sort of nice wording like that was thinly vieled pitty and comtempt for how I was such a miserable failure in every concievable way. Everything very subtle with multiple layers of meaning.

Yep. On top of all the blame, I couldnt seem to do anything right either. Planned something... .it was all AFU. I didnt plan something, bad boyfriend speech and all AFU. Finally, I just left it to her to "guide" me in the planning of things as to not upset the apple cart.