Signs of progress and moving on

[Ihope2]

I had to reflect recently how strange it is to me that at the beginning of the year I was so tightly locked into a trauma bond relationship with my exBPDh, that it felt like I would die of pain if he would ever leave me.  I felt so deeply and there was so much heartache, drama and pain, that I lost my ability to think logically.

Our short-lived marriage  of 11 months fell apart and unravelled very quickly and by end March he had left me and the town where I live. By end June the divorce went through.   When I think of  the level of gut-wrenching pain and sadness I felt, and how drained and wretched I felt, I almost cannot believe it.

I have had such a first-hand, close up view of how it is to be sucked into a complete and utter trauma bond relationship.  I was so predisposed to this, my whole life, with all my unresolved FOO issues, I was on a collision course to be hooked into someone like my ex, and so it came to pass.

The aftermath has been difficult and painful to deal with, but finally I have faced some plain truths about my FOO and particularly my mother and the way she STILL is and the choices she STILL makes even at the age of 70 now.  And how she was my original trauma bond.  And how she still knows no better than to try to keep her children in the F.O.G.  And I am seeing things so much clearer now and it feels so freeing.

I am amazed at how I can now go through an entire day not thinking and obsessing about the wellbeing of my exBPDh!  I feel a sadness still that he is the way he is and I feel so sad for the helpless, traumatised little child that he was growing up in his damaged FOO.  But, I spare less and less thought and energy on him as each day goes by. 

The biggest challenge I face now in my life is to decide what type of relationship I can see myself doing, if any, with my ageing mother.

And I am still focusing on myself and healing that Inner Child and reparenting myself, whilst continuing with my life and seeking new meaning and new challenges.

Some days are better than others.  Life's losses and gains do not stop. Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my dear, close older sister, who has gone to work on another continent for the next while.  She is my only family, besides my mother and a brother who cut himself off from the family more than a decade ago.

This is where I am at, and it is all where it is meant to be at.

I am so very grateful to have had access to this powerful healing resource, bpdfamily.com - what a lifeline you all are, collectively.  THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

[Hope0807]

Ihope2,

Thanks for this post.  I'm struggling with loneliness and lack of a strong support network.  Although I'm so soothed by your positive outlook and noted progress, I have to admit it is tough to hear that you were married just under a year and are here a year later.  I pray so much that this pain will be much farther away for me in a year from now.  I was with my uBPDexh for 7 years and "trauma" is the right word for the fallout for sure. 

You said it perfectly, this healing resource is most definitely a lifeline.  I wish you continued progress in your healing journey.  Thanks again for your update.   

I had to reflect recently how strange it is to me that at the beginning of the year I was so tightly locked into a trauma bond relationship with my exBPDh, that it felt like I would die of pain if he would ever leave me.  I felt so deeply and there was so much heartache, drama and pain, that I lost my ability to think logically.

Our short-lived marriage  of 11 months fell apart and unravelled very quickly and by end March he had left me and the town where I live. By end June the divorce went through.   When I think of  the level of gut-wrenching pain and sadness I felt, and how drained and wretched I felt, I almost cannot believe it.

I have had such a first-hand, close up view of how it is to be sucked into a complete and utter trauma bond relationship.  I was so predisposed to this, my whole life, with all my unresolved FOO issues, I was on a collision course to be hooked into someone like my ex, and so it came to pass.

The aftermath has been difficult and painful to deal with, but finally I have faced some plain truths about my FOO and particularly my mother and the way she STILL is and the choices she STILL makes even at the age of 70 now.  And how she was my original trauma bond.  And how she still knows no better than to try to keep her children in the F.O.G.  And I am seeing things so much clearer now and it feels so freeing.

I am amazed at how I can now go through an entire day not thinking and obsessing about the wellbeing of my exBPDh!  I feel a sadness still that he is the way he is and I feel so sad for the helpless, traumatised little child that he was growing up in his damaged FOO.  But, I spare less and less thought and energy on him as each day goes by. 

The biggest challenge I face now in my life is to decide what type of relationship I can see myself doing, if any, with my ageing mother.

And I am still focusing on myself and healing that Inner Child and reparenting myself, whilst continuing with my life and seeking new meaning and new challenges.

Some days are better than others.  Life's losses and gains do not stop. Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my dear, close older sister, who has gone to work on another continent for the next while.  She is my only family, besides my mother and a brother who cut himself off from the family more than a decade ago.

This is where I am at, and it is all where it is meant to be at.

I am so very grateful to have had access to this powerful healing resource, bpdfamily.com - what a lifeline you all are, collectively.  THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

[Ihope2]

Dear Hope0807

I definitely think that the longer that one was in any relationship, the harder it is to deal with the ending of it.  Added to this the complications of a relationship based on woundedness and unresolved developmental and FOO issues, there is even more to deal with and come to terms with.  The loneliness is terrible, I feel it so strongly nowadays. In the past before I met my exBPDh, I would isolate myself and do my solitary activities and I was a compulsive exerciser, so I would go out running or swimming for hours on end to get myself into a state of exhaustion, so that I would spend the rest of my free time sleeping or just in general feeling too tired to care that I was lonely, if that makes any sense.

I find myself tending towards that again now, but I am trying to be mindful to not go into the solitary bubble that I was in before.  I am not one to reach out to people of my own accord, or to gravitate to group activities, but now I realise that I need to challenge myself in that way, to be the one who initiates contact and reaches out to people.  I reckon if I can surround myself a bit more with people who are more psychologically healthy, balanced and of a positive attitude, I will not end up getting totally sucked into a relationship with psychologically unhealthy and negative people again.  I know a lot of it is also up to me, and healing myself and my own issues, but it is a start to try to surround oneself with more upbeat, joyful people, as opposed to angry, negative people!

All the best to you on your healing path!

[Hope0807]

Thanks Ihope2,

This is really great!  I like what you said and feel even more inspired to push myself halfway between where I am and where you are.  Even though you struggle to reach out, I applaud you for resorting to exercise and getting those endorphines working.  I'm alone a lot but have no problem reaching out to others.  I was never a compulsive exerciser before my ex, but I absolutely LOVED it and was in wonderful physical shape.  My current grief and tendency toward depression keeps me from the physical activity I KNOW will help me move forward even more.  My new goal is to get physical at least once this week and try to form that habit again.  By the end of this month I will hope to have attended at least one meetup function.

Best wishes to you!

Dear Hope0807

I definitely think that the longer that one was in any relationship, the harder it is to deal with the ending of it.  Added to this the complications of a relationship based on woundedness and unresolved developmental and FOO issues, there is even more to deal with and come to terms with.  The loneliness is terrible, I feel it so strongly nowadays. In the past before I met my exBPDh, I would isolate myself and do my solitary activities and I was a compulsive exerciser, so I would go out running or swimming for hours on end to get myself into a state of exhaustion, so that I would spend the rest of my free time sleeping or just in general feeling too tired to care that I was lonely, if that makes any sense.

I find myself tending towards that again now, but I am trying to be mindful to not go into the solitary bubble that I was in before.  I am not one to reach out to people of my own accord, or to gravitate to group activities, but now I realise that I need to challenge myself in that way, to be the one who initiates contact and reaches out to people.  I reckon if I can surround myself a bit more with people who are more psychologically healthy, balanced and of a positive attitude, I will not end up getting totally sucked into a relationship with psychologically unhealthy and negative people again.  I know a lot of it is also up to me, and healing myself and my own issues, but it is a start to try to surround oneself with more upbeat, joyful people, as opposed to angry, negative people!

All the best to you on your healing path!

[Ihope2]

  I am cheering you on from my corner of the globe, Hope0807!

[Ziggiddy]

Oh ihope2! How wonderfully uplifting! It is the nature of the site that most posts are sad or confused or somesuch so it is lovely to see one so filled with optimism and self honesty.

I recall that the first post I ever saw of yours was on the night your divorce became final. Your sadness and loneliness echoed throughout it. I was moved by what seemed a profound loss for you.

you have come so far and mastered so much - it is heartwarming to see.

It was also no end of good for me to be reminded that it is worth casting that glance backward to where I was in comparison to where I am now.

Although I am sure it was not what you would have chosen for yourself had you been fully aware of your FOO's influence and the full extent that those experiences had on you, it is indeed finding the pearl to get something positive from it. That says a great deal about your character and tenacity.

As far as attracting healthy people instead of angry ones it will likely be a natural phenomenon as your own emotional health has increased so much. Unhealthy people will not be drawn to you in the same way as they will likely sense your boundaries and this will make more room for healthy ones.

it IS difficult to 'put yourself out there.' I have been described as extremely extroverted, gregarious 'life-of-the-party' and yet I still struggle much to make myself available and vulnerable. I still believe pervasively that people will see my mistakes and flaws and focus as much on them as I do. And worse, that they will attack me, punish me or withdraw from me completely as a result.

This programming is incredibly hard to shift but stories like yours give me hope and optimism that it is at least possible.

As far as establishing a ground with your ageing mother that you can feel comfortable with, do you have any particular ideas? What would you actually like to have with her, realistically? I know she has caused you deep grief as has your entire family situation so fraught with upheaval and inappropriateness.

Is her getting older a factor? Are you concerned you may be drawn into a situation you would prefer to avoid?

And just  anote on your solitary activities, if they are making you happy then that is something to consider. I treasure my time out alone running in bushland and isolation. I do, however note that I deliberately withdraw from social activities through fear. I guess that's the determinant isn't it? If you withdraw compulsively or defensively then that is something you may wish to explore further.

I read a wonderful book on healing form emotional/physical neglect and abuse that recommended grieving losses as a way to fully metabolise past pain and it has made its mark on me as far as compulsions go. You may find that your inclination to isolate yourself rests in self preservation. Forcing yourself out of it may not be constructive. Grieving for the situations that put you there may be more conducive.

In any case I very much enjoyed reading your post.

Thank you for sharing your development. it was a real pleasure to see

Ziggiddy