VIDEO | High Functioning BPD ~ Ivan Spielberg LCSW

[VitaminC]

Ivan Spielberg LCSW, discusses what he has learned about treating the borderline client. Those who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder are often misunderstood and discriminated against, sometimes even by those in the mental health community.

And it’s amazing; [borderline people’s] ability to take care of someone else, to give the right answer of what you would do for that person, is very different from what they would do for themselves. Because my belief–and I’m sure it’s not only my belief–is that the borderline patient really essentially inside feels unlovable. Feels like there’s something missing, that they’re not worthy of love. And so they tend to seek out people who validate that–and if they do find someone who doesn’t validate that, they try to sabotage that relationship to keep that myth alive.

…And while that idea saved them–in their childhood or their youth or infancy–it is now actually killing them.


Ivan Spielberg LCSW, March 2007"


Ivan Spielberg LCSW, March 2007"

[valet]

That's an interesting quote.

I think it could be understood as a bit simplistic, but if we're trying to contrast the extreme fears of abandonment and engulfment it settles itself into the middle ground.

In my experience it was often the case that my ex would project that deficiency onto me. I would ask her what was wrong and she would say nothing. Or I would say that I was feeling anxious or a bit down and she would tell me I wasn't. Anything it took, really, to debase my self-confidence and identity was what she wanted. I can see this now, in the replacements that she had chosen before I went NC.

Most were friends or acquaintances of mine. Half of them I have since stopped talking to because they constantly put others down (or behaved in other cruel ways) to soothe their own inadequacies. The few that I'm still on good terms with now, she ended things within a month—these guy are generally more understanding, patient, 'good' people, for lack of a better term.

They were almost always my friends... .that I introduced to her. Now that I realize, this... .wow. Pathological.

I forgot where I was going with this. But essentially, I can see that internal split a bit better after watching these. She rejected healthier partners, and tired of unhealthy ones quickly. What does that mean? My presumption is that it was a perfect cocktail. I was healthy enough to have compassion and maintain my sense of self, sort of. But not there in the sense that I put up with a lot of the crap that I'm still dealing with today. If anything, it highlights any unresolved codependent traits that I may have had or continue to have.

It is still mind blowing the level of self-sabotage, though. I'm not perfect either. I make mistakes and can self-sabotage when I get overwhelmed if I am not extremely mindful. But my pwBPD is something else entirely... .I hope she helps herself one day.

[VitaminC]

Good further thoughts, valet. I like very much how simply Spielberg explains things.

I was thinking about that quote myself and, while I believe it's correct essentially, I think the other way that sentence could have been completed is this:

"And it’s amazing; [borderline people’s] ability to take care of someone else, to give the right answer of what you would do for that person, is very different from what they would do for themselves or, in fact, for the person that they are in a relationship, most frequently"

Spielberg does address this in the 2nd of the two video clips; he talks about the tools he gives his patients to help them separate their emotions from rational thoughts.  :)BT strategies that we can all benefit from, I would say.

The point for me is that very often the knowledge of what the 'right' thing to do is there, but the overwhelming emotions make actioning that 'right' thing impossible.

People have often here asked questions along the lines of "are BPDs evil", "how can they be so cruel", "do they know their actions are wrong", "should we forgive them, if their actions seem immoral" - that kind of thing.  I completely understand where these questions are coming from and the pain and confusion and anger that is often behind them.  

There are moral/ethical questions here, most certainly, and it's fair enough to think in this realm. That sort of thing cycles back to other conversations on this forum and in the Resources about Personal Values and Boundaries etc. If we live in accord with that... .

I also kind of forgot now where I was going with this... .