Thank you both for your kind words. I really appreciated that!
I'm looking Brene Brown up right now, thank you!
But it's not only this past relationship with my exBPDgf which made me vulnerable. If this is over I'm afraid I'll keep repating the same ___ all over again. I guess that I'm very prone to meet abusive people in the future. I'm afraid of that. I just realized that I always root for the "bad guys" (I don't want to judge these people but you know what I mean), if it is in reality, in tv shows or somewhere else - I sympathize with them in some weird way. But it's not that because I like what they do, it's more that I feel like I understand them (not empathically, but in a way I think they do these things because they suffered theirselves - which doesn't justify their behaviour, I know) and that they need to be redeemed. What does that make me? An vulnerable narcissist? I always try to redeem people. What the heck am I even thinking of me? I know I'm not god almighty, I know I'm just a human being yet I feel like I need so save them. How sick is that? And how presumptuous? Or am I actually trying to redeem myself through others? The golden rule says "One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself" and I always lived like that (even though I'm not very religious). I never really behaved in a cluster b-way but I'm an asperger and I know it wasn't easy for my parents. There was a time I believed that it was my fault they acted the way they did and that their behaviour towards me was justified because I was indeed defective and therefore they needed to punish me. I know now that my parents always were the way they were (mother depressive, father choleric and always faults someone else). I grew up in a black and white-surrounding: my mother always withdrawing from everything (many times I got the silent treatment), my father always screaming and ranting. Thank god I did not develop BPD (although maybe some traits), yet my elder sister did and my younger sister is self-harming. Maybe I'm just trying to keep my "reality" alive. Sometimes I feel like I grew up in a cluster-b surrounding... .How sick is that?
This issue goes far beyond my exBPDgf, I know that and maybe there's a silver lining in this past relationship because I only now can see what's wrong and that I added to that drama as well.
What's wrong with me? Does growing up in a cluster-b surrounding make me a cluster-b still? Am I an vulnerable narcissist? I got an official diagnosis of aspergers from a psychiatrist who's highly specialised and one of the most popular psychiatrist in the field of autism and I've always been weird. I'm an autist for sure but yet there are some traits added to that, what does that make me? Even more defective? How can I stop trying to redeem others? When I first met my exBPDgf I just KNEW what was up. I knew that being with her would mean trouble. And yet I let it happen... .So it's really not that I didn't know. I could've walked away, I always had a chance. That's also the reason I can't blame her. I guess we both used to grow up in betrayal bonds and that the whole dynamic between the two of us would've killed as in the long run. She did me a favour when painting me black because it was the only way out for the both of us.
But getting in such a relationship again will kill me for sure. And I don't want that.
I do have a therapist but she's specialised in behaviour therapy. But I feel like I should work on that trauma issues, not on the behaviour it is causing because that's only treating the symptoms/consequences but not the causes. She only sees my problems in detail but not in the whole context. Thing is: health insurance only pays therapy at an interval of two years so if I wanted to start a new therapy with a new therapist I needed to wait two years.
Right now (I mean at this particular moment) I'm good because there are no triggers (but they can occur every damn minute) or abusive people in my life. But it's only a matter of time I'll meet some again. I'm just a magnet for them. I pick up all the "pins"... .So now I guess I should focus on how to act when they are coming round and also what to do when my exBPDgf tries to recycle (I doubt that, but you never know). There was a time I wanted her to try to recycle but that is long gone. If she ever tries that I'm screwed and can start digging my own grave because another drive on the merry-go-round I wouldn't survive.