I feel like I'm getting paranoid and being triggered easily

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I felt like I was really detaching. Being in NC and not seeing her helped a lot and I just felt fine.

But last Saturday I went to my sport’s club christmas party (I met my exBPDgf in the sport’s team but she’s not part of the team anymore because she left it). Of course she wasn’t there but yet I was being reminded of her in the stupidest way ever. They had a screen at the wall where they projected pictures from old matches, trips etc. Of course there were some of her as well. I didn’t expect something like this to happen. It really hit me hard. There were not many pictures of her, but when she always looked miserable, angry, sad or put her hands in front of her face to not getting photographed. The ones where she looked miserable were not posed, it was just her being herself. So it relieved me a bit of my guilt because that proofed once again that she’s been miserable long time before she even met me. But it also made me feel anxious again. I got that tingling feeling I always felt when being around her. It really triggered me. If you remember: about two weeks ago I wrote her a decent goodbye-message and I was really fine with it. I was doing very good after that. But then I just got anxious again. At least for quite some time. Two days later something strange happened with me. I feel like I’m getting crazy or paranoid. I don’t know, right now I think I’m the one being mentally ill. So that’s what happened – to explain the whole story I have to reach back a bit: When she left the team she told them she’d be transferred to another post in another city in December. One month later she showed up at a match as a guest and told some team mate that there are some problems with her transfer and that it probably will take longer to transfer or might not even work at all. So I had that information in the back of my mind on Monday when the following happened: due to some suicide threat at a train station in the town my exBPDgf lives they had to block the rail services. First thing which came to my mind was „OMFG. It was her trying to kill herself.“ I don’t know why I was being so paranoid suddenly, it was creepy. First the date of first December where her transfer should’ve taken place and second the name of the city and CLICK… I thought that maybe she did it because her transfer didn’t work out (she badly wnated to be transfered to that significant post, she really looked forward to it and saw it as a way out and starting a new life). The whole day I was feeling on edge, I didn’t know what to do. Googled the internet if someone indeed died or only threatened it. There was no death at least but still I felt like it was her and suddenly I was so sorry for her. And I hate to admit this (because I usually don’t do these kinda things because I think it’s sick): she’s still in our group chat and with the new feature of Whatsapp you get a read receipt so I checked that, but she didn’t read until today. So the last two days I was high on alert and anxiety. I felt like dying of guilt. When I finally got the read receipt first I was relieved but then I fell into some kind of rigidity. I was lying on bed, not moving any body part for a while and my view seemed to restrict and get blurry. I felt like shutting down.

Why did I act like that? Was it because only two days before I saw all of these pictures of her being miserable? Why did I think it was her threatening suicide at the train station? This is so sick. I feel like I’m crazy. I’m not always like that, actually never. And I hate this Whatsapp feature. I even downloaded the new beta where you can disable the read receipts. Why did I act like that? Was it out of fear? And what happened to me when realising that she’s alive and it couldn’t have been her?

It’s not that I now want her back. It’s not that I want to reach out to her. And yet I feel triggered in some way. Thing is: I’m reading Betrayal Bonds right now and I feel like this whole situation reminded me of my childhood. I used to grow up with a mother suffering from deep depression (I also suspect BPD) which made me fall for my exBPDgf in the first place I guess. I witnessed my mother threatening suicide/trying to commit suicide and driving away by car and telling us she would drive against a tree and never come back. It was the same feeling.

I feel like this was the perfect example for these betrayal bonds and how one tries to stay in them. Really, I was actually doing very good and then something like that happens. Some little trigger and BOOM, I feel sick to my gut.

One good thing though is that it really showed me that she just needs to be kept out of my life. EVERYTHING having to do with her is bad for me. And it wasn’t even her. She wasn’t trying to recycle or stuff. It were these stupid pictures and some suicide threat.

On the other hand I want to save her like I never wanted before. I KNOW that I can’t save her, I can’t rescue her but these last two days I was thinking of all of the things that happened in our relationship/friendship again, I tried to make out my mistakes and I thought „How could I have saved her?“. I will not reach out again because if I do there’s a big chance a recycle is happening anyway and I can’t imagine feeling again like I did the last two days. It would really drive me crazy, I really think it’ll destroy me. It'll kill me somehow. So no, I will not reach out. But still I have all of these thoughts of shame and guilt and I don’t know how to get them out again. And a lot of fear.

WTH is wrong with me? Why did that happen?  Am I crazy? And what does that mean fort he detachment? I really felt like I was detaching… Oh man.

[misty_red]

I felt like I was really detaching. Being in NC and not seeing her helped a lot and I just felt fine.

But last Saturday I went to my sport’s club christmas party (I met my exBPDgf in the sport’s team but she’s not part of the team anymore because she left it). Of course she wasn’t there but yet I was being reminded of her in the stupidest way ever. They had a screen at the wall where they projected pictures from old matches, trips etc. Of course there were some of her as well. I didn’t expect something like this to happen. It really hit me hard. There were not many pictures of her, but when she always looked miserable, angry, sad or put her hands in front of her face to not getting photographed. The ones where she looked miserable were not posed, it was just her being herself. So it relieved me a bit of my guilt because that proofed once again that she’s been miserable long time before she even met me. But it also made me feel anxious again. I got that tingling feeling I always felt when being around her. It really triggered me. If you remember: about two weeks ago I wrote her a decent goodbye-message and I was really fine with it. I was doing very good after that. But then I just got anxious again. At least for quite some time. Two days later something strange happened with me. I feel like I’m getting crazy or paranoid. I don’t know, right now I think I’m the one being mentally ill. So that’s what happened – to explain the whole story I have to reach back a bit: When she left the team she told them she’d be transferred to another post in another city in December. One month later she showed up at a match as a guest and told some team mate that there are some problems with her transfer and that it probably will take longer to transfer or might not even work at all. So I had that information in the back of my mind on Monday when the following happened: due to some suicide threat at a train station in the town my exBPDgf lives they had to block the rail services. First thing which came to my mind was „OMFG. It was her trying to kill herself.“ I don’t know why I was being so paranoid suddenly, it was creepy. First the date of first December where her transfer should’ve taken place and second the name of the city and CLICK… I thought that maybe she did it because her transfer didn’t work out (she badly wnated to be transfered to that significant post, she really looked forward to it and saw it as a way out and starting a new life). The whole day I was feeling on edge, I didn’t know what to do. Googled the internet if someone indeed died or only threatened it. There was no death at least but still I felt like it was her and suddenly I was so sorry for her. And I hate to admit this (because I usually don’t do these kinda things because I think it’s sick): she’s still in our group chat and with the new feature of Whatsapp you get a read receipt so I checked that, but she didn’t read until today. So the last two days I was high on alert and anxiety. I felt like dying of guilt. When I finally got the read receipt first I was relieved but then I fell into some kind of rigidity. I was lying on bed, not moving any body part for a while and my view seemed to restrict and get blurry. I felt like shutting down.

Why did I act like that? Was it because only two days before I saw all of these pictures of her being miserable? Why did I think it was her threatening suicide at the train station? This is so sick. I feel like I’m crazy. I’m not always like that, actually never. And I hate this Whatsapp feature. I even downloaded the new beta where you can disable the read receipts. Why did I act like that? Was it out of fear? And what happened to me when realising that she’s alive and it couldn’t have been her?

It’s not that I now want her back. It’s not that I want to reach out to her. And yet I feel triggered in some way. Thing is: I’m reading Betrayal Bonds right now and I feel like this whole situation reminded me of my childhood. I used to grow up with a mother suffering from deep depression (I also suspect BPD) which made me fall for my exBPDgf in the first place I guess. I witnessed my mother threatening suicide/trying to commit suicide and driving away by car and telling us she would drive against a tree and never come back. It was the same feeling.

I feel like this was the perfect example for these betrayal bonds and how one tries to stay in them. Really, I was actually doing very good and then something like that happens. Some little trigger and BOOM, I feel sick to my gut.

One good thing though is that it really showed me that she just needs to be kept out of my life. EVERYTHING having to do with her is bad for me. And it wasn’t even her. She wasn’t trying to recycle or stuff. It were these stupid pictures and some suicide threat.

On the other hand I want to save her like I never wanted before. I KNOW that I can’t save her, I can’t rescue her but these last two days I was thinking of all of the things that happened in our relationship/friendship again, I tried to make out my mistakes and I thought „How could I have saved her?“. I will not reach out again because if I do there’s a big chance a recycle is happening anyway and I can’t imagine feeling again like I did the last two days. It would really drive me crazy, I really think it’ll destroy me. It'll kill me somehow. So no, I will not reach out. But still I have all of these thoughts of shame and guilt and I don’t know how to get them out again. And a lot of fear.

WTH is wrong with me? Why did that happen?  Am I crazy? And what does that mean fort he detachment? I really felt like I was detaching… Oh man.

[Pingo]

Misty_Red,  I'm so sorry to hear what you are doing through.  Those triggers are just horrible, aren't they?  I can relate to feeling like you are going crazy.  When you have gone through the trauma you've experienced it's hard to make sense of everything.  We can really allow our minds to run away on us.  I'm guilty of this. 

What you experienced as a child, your mother's suicide attempts, is the ultimate betrayal.  She wasn't there to protect you as a mother should.  I'm so sorry that you went through that.  My mother also talked about suicide but she never did try it to my knowledge.  Still damaged me big time. 

It's really good that you are reading the betrayal bond, this book helped me immensely in understanding why I ended up with my uBPDexh and why I was so vulnerable.  It doesn't make the pain go away but it is one step towards healing.  Recognising your weaknesses and knowing you need to remain NC is really healthy.  So is knowing you cannot save her.

Do you have a therapist to help you through this difficult time?  One thing I find helpful when my mind is really controlling my body and reactions is to get out of the house, go for a walk in nature.  Seems to calm the mind which calms the body.  Exercise in general is really great.  I'm 5 1/2 mths out of my r/s and the triggers are getting better although very slowly.

[willtimeheal]

Misty,

I am so sorry about what you are going through. Detaching is very difficult and you will have ups and downs. A great speaker to listen to is Dr brene brown. You can look her up on you tube or Ted TV. She gave three talks on Ted TV about shame and how it affects us and how to over come it. She wrote a book Daring Greatly.  It is eye opening. Watch the videos. They might help.

[misty_red]

Thank you both for your kind words. I really appreciated that!

I'm looking Brene Brown up right now, thank you!

But it's not only this past relationship with my exBPDgf which made me vulnerable. If this is over I'm afraid I'll keep repating the same ___ all over again. I guess that I'm very prone to meet abusive people in the future. I'm afraid of that. I just realized that I always root for the "bad guys" (I don't want to judge these people but you know what I mean), if it is in reality, in tv shows or somewhere else - I sympathize with them in some weird way. But it's not that because I like what they do, it's more that I feel like I understand them (not empathically, but in a way I think they do these things because they suffered theirselves - which doesn't justify their behaviour, I know) and that they need to be redeemed. What does that make me? An vulnerable narcissist? I always try to redeem people. What the heck am I even thinking of me? I know I'm not god almighty, I know I'm just a human being yet I feel like I need so save them. How sick is that? And how presumptuous? Or am I actually trying to redeem myself through others? The golden rule says "One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself" and I always lived like that (even though I'm not very religious). I never really behaved in a cluster b-way but I'm an asperger and I know it wasn't easy for my parents. There was a time I believed that it was my fault they acted the way they did and that their behaviour towards me was justified because I was indeed defective and therefore they needed to punish me. I know now that my parents always were the way they were (mother depressive, father choleric and always faults someone else). I grew up in a black and white-surrounding: my mother always withdrawing from everything (many times I got the silent treatment), my father always screaming and ranting. Thank god I did not develop BPD (although maybe some traits), yet my elder sister did and my younger sister is self-harming. Maybe I'm just trying to keep my "reality" alive. Sometimes I feel like I grew up in a cluster-b surrounding... .How sick is that?

This issue goes far beyond my exBPDgf, I know that and maybe there's a silver lining in this past relationship because I only now can see what's wrong and that I added to that drama as well.

What's wrong with me? Does growing up in a cluster-b surrounding make me a cluster-b still? Am I an vulnerable narcissist? I got an official diagnosis of aspergers from a psychiatrist who's highly specialised and one of the most popular psychiatrist in the field of autism and I've always been weird. I'm an autist for sure but yet there are some traits added to that, what does that make me? Even more defective? How can I stop trying to redeem others? When I first met my exBPDgf I just KNEW what was up. I knew that being with her would mean trouble. And yet I let it happen... .So it's really not that I didn't know. I could've walked away, I always had a chance. That's also the reason I can't blame her. I guess we both used to grow up in betrayal bonds and that the whole dynamic between the two of us would've killed as in the long run. She did me a favour when painting me black because it was the only way out for the both of us.

But getting in such a relationship again will kill me for sure. And I don't want that.

I do have a therapist but she's specialised in behaviour therapy. But I feel like I should work on that trauma issues, not on the behaviour it is causing because that's only treating the symptoms/consequences but not the causes. She only sees my problems in detail but not in the whole context. Thing is: health insurance only pays therapy at an interval of two years so if I wanted to start a new therapy with a new therapist I needed to wait two years.

Right now (I mean at this particular moment) I'm good because there are no triggers (but they can occur every damn minute) or abusive people in my life. But it's only a matter of time I'll meet some again. I'm just a magnet for them. I pick up all the "pins"... .So now I guess I should focus on how to act when they are coming round and also what to do when my exBPDgf tries to recycle (I doubt that, but you never know). There was a time I wanted her to try to recycle but that is long gone. If she ever tries that I'm screwed and can start digging my own grave because another drive on the merry-go-round I wouldn't survive.

[Pingo]

Misty, you have a great deal of insight into the patterns that play out in your life.  This objectivity is really helpful in making changes.  Have you read any of the codependent articles on this site?  People who grow up with cluster B personalities often become codependent.  You might find some insight in checking these out.  I have codependent traits although they seem to mostly surround my romantic r/ss and not so much other r/ss.