Stupid fear of them suddenly changing with someone else?

[GoodThingsToCome]

Hi all,

The last two weeks or so have seen me shift back into a somewhat bargaining stage with myself - I'm now about 3 months out. I was doing really well, but for some reason intense emotions and memories have been bubbling up lately. I think some of it did stem from brief email interaction I had to have with her recently - we had otherwise been NC, but the emails were necessary.

What surprised me was how nice she came across in the email; although, in the email she did end up asking for a favour so that could've been the reason. What was even more bizarre to me, was that she then continued in the same email to mention how she has 0 feelings for me (what the heck?)... which is just hurtful soon after a break-up.

I keep having these irrational thoughts that somehow after our relationship she can just change into a normal person with someone else. She mentioned in a previous email how she was going to actively address some of her abusive behaviour (even though I know talk is cheap and in that same email she projected all over me and was abusive).

I'm sure lots of you have been through these thoughts, so what did you do to remind yourself that its not the case and that they won't simply change? She is mid 30's and from what I've read, its near impossible for one to suddenly change their personality without intensive therapy which I'm sure she won't even consider as she is in major denial.

A bit of an odd post I know... .just thoughts going through my mind.

[billypilgrim]

I hear you.  I've had the same thoughts and feelings.  Like you, it's all happened very quickly.  She ended the marriage, moved out, and replaced me in a month flat.  The speed at which all of this happened has led me to ask myself all kinds of terrible questions like:  What if it's me?  What if she can be normal with someone else?  What does that say about me?  Am I that easy to toss aside?  It's torturous sometimes.  She even said she wanted to meet with a psychiatrist (not just a therapist) like 2 weeks before she left   (I seriously wonder about what I was thinking these last 6 years, I guess the fog was really thick at this point).  It's twisted how much torment they put us through.

But here's what I do know - I know her well enough that I know she was like this before me and I know full well that she won't change after me.  You and I weren't the problem.  Whenever I find myself bargaining like this, I think of the future.  I think of that normal, healthy, beautiful girl that's just waiting for me to meet her.  She will be able to love me the way that I love her.  I won't need to drag her through life.  I won't need to do everything for her in order to make her happy.  I won't lose my own identity as a result of being with her.  She will be her own person and she will be capable of real, adult love.  I'm very much looking forward to that day and so should you.  

[clydegriffith]

Initially i used to think the same. I was deafly afraid that she will be normal for the next person and maybe if i tried a little harder i would still have my family. Two years, 5 replacements and another baby for her later and i don't think about it anymore. It was never going to work. She is the problem not everyone else. All of her relationships end in some dramatic manner because of something crazy she does. Countdown is on until the next disaster.

[Targeted]

I absolutely believe they will change for somebody else, just like they did for us. They will change from idolising and love bombing to splitting and devaluing and back to idolising and back to devaluing, over and over again until that relationship dies too. Not only will they change for somebody, I think they will change for everybody unless they change for themselves. Which would only lead me to ask how many more people have to suffer her changes?

[blissful_camper]

Morphing to secure needs being met, yes.  Change in destructive relationship patterns, no.  Not gonna happen.  What you experienced, the next one will too. 

[Deeno02]

Morphing to secure needs being met, yes.  Change in destructive relationship patterns, no.  Not gonna happen.  What you experienced, the next one will too. 

Mine never really Morphed. Love bombing and all the other stuff, but never morphed to the point of shared interests. Always about her with an occasional bone tossed my way in regards to an interest of mine or a movie I wanted to see, oherwise, I was bottled up. I guess I didnt really notice that much because I was under the idealization spell at the time... .

[Perfidy]

Just to challenge the idea that change isn't possible, why wouldn't we be happy for them if they did find happiness? After all, we profess to love them. If we really do love them, wouldn't we be happy for them that they found partners that help them grow, even if it wasn't us? Just because our relationships change, which is natural, does it necessarily have to be a reflection of our very worthiness?

[BlackHoleSun]

I think with the right person and under the right circumstances then they can change to a certain extent... .but only for a period of time. Could be weeks, months or years but eventually they'll crack and out will come the darkside! 

[Deeno02]

I think with the right person and under the right circumstances then they can change to a certain extent... .but only for a period of time. Could be weeks, months or years but eventually they'll crack and out will come the darkside!  

Only if they can have total control, their way or the highway

[clydegriffith]

I think with the right person and under the right circumstances then they can change to a certain extent... .but only for a period of time. Could be weeks, months or years but eventually they'll crack and out will come the darkside!  

Only if they can have total control, their way or the highway

Anyone in a prolonged relationship with the BPD eventually ends up as a human doormat to avoid setting them off.

[vortex of confusion]

Just to challenge the idea that change isn't possible, why wouldn't we be happy for them if they did find happiness? After all, we profess to love them. If we really do love them, wouldn't we be happy for them that they found partners that help them grow, even if it wasn't us? Just because our relationships change, which is natural, does it necessarily have to be a reflection of our very worthiness?

I have had this thought as well. The fact that my husband and I are mismatched shouldn't reflect on my worthiness. I have often wondered if the BPD traits that I see are a result of us being mismatched. We push each others buttons without even trying. I am actually pretty certain that my husband could be happy with a stereotypical woman. I have always been a bit different because I tend to question a lot. I think my husband would be very happy if he could find a woman that is very old fashioned and is content to be a housewife and mother without any other ambitions. When I tried to play that role, things were much better. The problem is that I am not that person.

[GoodThingsToCome]

Just to challenge the idea that change isn't possible, why wouldn't we be happy for them if they did find happiness? After all, we profess to love them. If we really do love them, wouldn't we be happy for them that they found partners that help them grow, even if it wasn't us? Just because our relationships change, which is natural, does it necessarily have to be a reflection of our very worthiness?

You are right. We should all be wanting happiness for them... .in an ideal world. I do love her to bits and pieces, I always have... .but I think right now I'm just hurting too much. I'm hurting at the injustice of it all... .I'm hurting at investing so much love and energy only to be blamed for most of the relationship's demise. My ego plays a big part in this as well, Obviously... .it just almost doesn't seem fair to be smashed up and then have them go and find happiness with someone else. Another part of the fear is wondering if I had done more or if I had done things differently would things have worked out, but I know I tried everything I could at the time.

In time my feelings regarding this will change, I know it. I do want her to be happy and I do pray for her.

[Deeno02]

Just to challenge the idea that change isn't possible, why wouldn't we be happy for them if they did find happiness? After all, we profess to love them. If we really do love them, wouldn't we be happy for them that they found partners that help them grow, even if it wasn't us? Just because our relationships change, which is natural, does it necessarily have to be a reflection of our very worthiness?

You are right. We should all be wanting happiness for them... .in an ideal world. I do love her to bits and pieces, I always have... .but I think right now I'm just hurting too much. I'm hurting at the injustice of it all... .I'm hurting at investing so much love and energy only to be blamed for most of the relationship's demise. My ego plays a big part in this as well, Obviously... .it just almost doesn't seem fair to be smashed up and then have them go and find happiness with someone else. Another part of the fear is wondering if I had done more or if I had done things differently would things have worked out, but I know I tried everything I could at the time.

In time my feelings regarding this will change, I know it. I do want her to be happy and I do pray for her.

I don't care about her happiness. I have to be happy with my own self. I thought I was in love and perhaps she did too. But it was all a sick joke. I was used and tossed away. I have to fix myself. I'm my own priority now.

[fred6]

I think with the right person and under the right circumstances then they can change to a certain extent... .but only for a period of time. Could be weeks, months or years but eventually they'll crack and out will come the darkside! 

BlackHoleSun. Won't you come, and wash away the rain(sorry couldn't help it )

Hell, I'm starting to think that I was that right person that she changed for. All of her relationships for the past 10 years have been 4-6 months long. We were together for 3 years. Her last long term relationship was her sons father. She told me that she kept doing the break up-make up with him because she had a child with him. So, I do think that a certain person will last a while with a pwBPD. I just think it's a matter of how much that certain person will put up with. Unfortuanatly, I was the co-dependant happy-go-lucky doormat that thought she really cared about me.

[billypilgrim]

So, I do think that a certain person will last a while with a pwBPD. I just think it's a matter of how much that certain person will put up with. Unfortuanatly, I was the co-dependant happy-go-lucky doormat that thought she really cared about me.

Agreed.  Like you, I was by far the longest relationship she had ever had (and her me, for that matter, which I think speaks to my co-dependency issues, or at least my co-dependency issues with her).  I think a good way to look at relationships with BPDs is like this.  Each BPD relationship has a finite amount of time.  The length of which is entirely defendant upon 1 of 2 things, whichever comes first:  1.) the Non eventually cracks and leaves or 2.) the Non cracks and the BPD leaves.  

A BPD relationship begins taking on water from the start.  It's up to the non as to how fast he/she can bail out the sinking ship.  But no matter how fast the non tries, the ship is always going to sink.

[clydegriffith]

So, I do think that a certain person will last a while with a pwBPD. I just think it's a matter of how much that certain person will put up with. Unfortuanatly, I was the co-dependant happy-go-lucky doormat that thought she really cared about me.

Agreed.  Like you, I was by far the longest relationship she had ever had (and her me, for that matter, which I think speaks to my co-dependency issues, or at least my co-dependency issues with her).  I think a good way to look at relationships with BPDs is like this.  Each BPD relationship has a finite amount of time.  The length of which is entirely defendant upon 1 of 2 things, whichever comes first:  1.) the Non eventually cracks and leaves or 2.) the Non cracks and the BPD leaves.  

A BPD relationship begins taking on water from the start.  It's up to the non as to how fast he/she can bail out the sinking ship.  But no matter how fast the non tries, the ship is always going to sink.

I nominate this for Quote of the year! .

[momtara]

I think many of us have that fear.  And then we even sometimes see them on Facebook with the new person and think, "That's not fair... .he/she would never do such and such with me, but she/he is changing with him!"  But that doesn't last long, and likely isn't what it seems.

[fred6]

So, I do think that a certain person will last a while with a pwBPD. I just think it's a matter of how much that certain person will put up with. Unfortuanatly, I was the co-dependant happy-go-lucky doormat that thought she really cared about me.

1 of 2 things, whichever comes first:  1.) the Non eventually cracks and leaves or 2.) the Non cracks and the BPD leaves.  

I think in my situation she cracked. Once she knew that I knew that she was cheating, it was game over. I honestly don't know if she knew how to handle the situation. She pretty much broke up with me, kicked me out, and disassociated herself from me.

As far as her changing with replacement.  She's changing who she is by mirroring him, but I don't think that she will change the final outcome of the relationship. He's a pickup truck driving, camo wearing, deer hunting country boy. She mirrors that by being a country girl. I am absolutely and literally nothing like a country boy and yet I was one of her longest relationships. I believe the end result will be the same.

[MikeAnon]

What you're going through is perfectly normal. Your brain (subconscious) is trying to process and heal through what happened. The email (because it's a more calm context) makes you second guess the whole thing. Did it happen? Should I give it a second chance. At some point second guessing weakens your resolve to do what you know is right for you. Not easy but right. Ultimately you know.

[Indyan]

Initially i used to think the same. I was deafly afraid that she will be normal for the next person and maybe if i tried a little harder i would still have my family. Two years, 5 replacements and another baby for her later and i don't think about it anymore. It was never going to work. She is the problem not everyone else. All of her relationships end in some dramatic manner because of something crazy she does. Countdown is on until the next disaster.

Do you have children with her?

[Indyan]

A BPD relationship begins taking on water from the start.  It's up to the non as to how fast he/she can bail out the sinking ship.  But no matter how fast the non tries, the ship is always going to sink.

Oh Lord, this is just SO ACCURATE!

You are right. We should all be wanting happiness for them... .in an ideal world. I do love her to bits and pieces, I always have... .but I think right now I'm just hurting too much. I'm hurting at the injustice of it all... .I'm hurting at investing so much love and energy only to be blamed for most of the relationship's demise. My ego plays a big part in this as well, Obviously... .it just almost doesn't seem fair to be smashed up and then have them go and find happiness with someone else. Another part of the fear is wondering if I had done more or if I had done things differently would things have worked out, but I know I tried everything I could at the time.

In time my feelings regarding this will change, I know it. I do want her to be happy and I do pray for her.

AMEN