Just Hilarious... How are you still here?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

You're a trainwreck.  No really... . why do you even cross my mind?  

You're in debt 100K and will soon run out of your precious alimony.  

You have no real job... . photography?  Please.  You've barely worked over 5 years.  Hard to do that when you sleep in til Noon and clients get ticked with you for being drunk during a shoot.  It's a hobbyjob at best.      

You're almost 44 and have partied HARD for almost 30 years.  Sun worshipping.  Smoking.  :)rinking.  Snorting.  You're body is wearing out especially since you don't work out and eat taco bell constantly.  Even my friends say youv'e gained a lot of weight and your playboy body is a distant memory.  

You attack everyone.  Friends, family, lovers.  Everyone you profess to care about eventually becomes a mortal enemy.  The people in this town laugh at you and your drama behind your back.  

You become the devil when you drink... . which is often because you really are an alcoholic.  I've never seen anyone with so much rage deep inside them.

You would be an unfit mom... . adopted or not... . you're an adult child yourself who can't give up your precious partying... . the only thing that helps you forget what a worthless piece of dirt you really are.  You can't even take care of yourself much less make a commitment to taking care of a little person.  

Sorry... . saw a pic this morning.  It's been 10 months.  I'm doing much better really.  I'm in much better shape physically (best of my life really), traveled to many places, dated many women and seeing one sexier than her right now, getting my kitchen remodeled, and i've gotten a new job... .

Sometimes it just rears its ugly head though... . How can letting go of poison be so painful?  Because I was addicted.  Yes I know.  She's so far from being a long term prospect its crazy.  She'll soon be a fat self-absorbed old narcissistic alcoholic who's beauty is gone and so deep in debt she wont be able to see over it.  A drama queen who brings CHAOS wherever she goes.  I should be happy she's engaged and moved to the far side of town... . but once in a while I get hit with the pic or story from another person that I know shouldn't bother me but it does.  

Mostly I'm okay.  But here and there I fall off the wagon and obsess for a while.  Not looking for solutions.  This is a matter of time and staying on track.  

It is hard to hear how perfectly happy she is now... . even if I know she's really not.  She's gotten involved in a swinger crowd and hooked up with loads of people I know beyond her fiance.  Part of me genuinely wishes she'd expressed an interest in that while we were together, but I also know that creates its own set of problems and wouldn't have fixed anything... .  

The illogical part of me sometimes speaks up and says "If only you'd done this." everything would have turned out okay.  I did make many mistakes which I've admitted to myself and tried to rectify through therapy and honest self reflection, but there's NO WAY this would have had a happy ending without her admitting blame for her own actions and getting help... .  

No chance in Hell.  

Beyond that I can NEVER take her back.  No matter what.  Not after her lying, deciet, abuse, etc.  Knowing what she's done now is just the cherry on top.  My friends and family would DISOWN me.  They HATE her with every fiber of their being for what she did to me . 

[Johnny Alias]

You're a trainwreck.  No really... . why do you even cross my mind?  

You're in debt 100K and will soon run out of your precious alimony.  

You have no real job... . photography?  Please.  You've barely worked over 5 years.  Hard to do that when you sleep in til Noon and clients get ticked with you for being drunk during a shoot.  It's a hobbyjob at best.      

You're almost 44 and have partied HARD for almost 30 years.  Sun worshipping.  Smoking.  :)rinking.  Snorting.  You're body is wearing out especially since you don't work out and eat taco bell constantly.  Even my friends say youv'e gained a lot of weight and your playboy body is a distant memory.  

You attack everyone.  Friends, family, lovers.  Everyone you profess to care about eventually becomes a mortal enemy.  The people in this town laugh at you and your drama behind your back.  

You become the devil when you drink... . which is often because you really are an alcoholic.  I've never seen anyone with so much rage deep inside them.

You would be an unfit mom... . adopted or not... . you're an adult child yourself who can't give up your precious partying... . the only thing that helps you forget what a worthless piece of dirt you really are.  You can't even take care of yourself much less make a commitment to taking care of a little person.  

Sorry... . saw a pic this morning.  It's been 10 months.  I'm doing much better really.  I'm in much better shape physically (best of my life really), traveled to many places, dated many women and seeing one sexier than her right now, getting my kitchen remodeled, and i've gotten a new job... .

Sometimes it just rears its ugly head though... . How can letting go of poison be so painful?  Because I was addicted.  Yes I know.  She's so far from being a long term prospect its crazy.  She'll soon be a fat self-absorbed old narcissistic alcoholic who's beauty is gone and so deep in debt she wont be able to see over it.  A drama queen who brings CHAOS wherever she goes.  I should be happy she's engaged and moved to the far side of town... . but once in a while I get hit with the pic or story from another person that I know shouldn't bother me but it does.  

Mostly I'm okay.  But here and there I fall off the wagon and obsess for a while.  Not looking for solutions.  This is a matter of time and staying on track.  

It is hard to hear how perfectly happy she is now... . even if I know she's really not.  She's gotten involved in a swinger crowd and hooked up with loads of people I know beyond her fiance.  Part of me genuinely wishes she'd expressed an interest in that while we were together, but I also know that creates its own set of problems and wouldn't have fixed anything... .  

The illogical part of me sometimes speaks up and says "If only you'd done this." everything would have turned out okay.  I did make many mistakes which I've admitted to myself and tried to rectify through therapy and honest self reflection, but there's NO WAY this would have had a happy ending without her admitting blame for her own actions and getting help... .  

No chance in Hell.  

Beyond that I can NEVER take her back.  No matter what.  Not after her lying, deciet, abuse, etc.  Knowing what she's done now is just the cherry on top.  My friends and family would DISOWN me.  They HATE her with every fiber of their being for what she did to me . 

[LettingGo14]

Sometimes it just rears its ugly head though... . How can letting go of poison be so painful?

JA -- Thank you for posting this point -- "sometimes it just rears its ugly head" --and I appreciate your passionate enumeration of the reasons why there's no going back for many of us.   I have made my own list, and keep it handy, for times I need reminders.

I know you're not looking for solutions, so I'd just like to add my thoughts to your articulate post, more for discussion purposes than to offer any advice.

In addition to recognizing how my ties to my ex-girlfriend were like an addiction, I'm also recognizing that I held on to my pain more than I realized.  I don't exactly know why -- maybe aspects of the relationship highlighted things I like about myself [e.g., ability to love] that seemed tenuous after my relationship ended.

I have made a conscious effort to return all attention to myself, and when "it rears its ugly head" I try now to identify what emotions accompany it.  Am I still grieving?  Am I still thinking of the loss?   

If anything, it has been helpful to stop identifying any emotions with my ex-girlfriend.  In other words, I'm learning that I'm the source of my emotions -- not my ex-girlfriend, who is now long gone. 

 

Mostly I'm okay.  But here and there I fall off the wagon and obsess for a while.  

Not looking for solutions.  This is a matter of time and staying on track.  

Beyond that I can NEVER take her back.  No matter what.  Not after her lying, deciet, abuse, etc.  Knowing what she's done now is just the cherry on top.  My friends and family would DISOWN me.  They HATE her with every fiber of their being for what she did to me . 

Thanks for your post.

[Trent]

Nice post Johnny, thanks.  You just described my exBPDgf, and her self-inflicted drama, almost to a T.  Let's stay on track, we're much better off without them! 

[Take2]

  The illogical part of me sometimes speaks up and says "If only you'd done this." everything would have turned out okay.  I did make many mistakes which I've admitted to myself and tried to rectify through therapy and honest self reflection, but there's NO WAY this would have had a happy ending without her admitting blame for her own actions and getting help... .  

No chance in Hell. 

Beyond that I can NEVER take her back.  No matter what.  Not after her lying, deciet, abuse, etc.  Knowing what she's done now is just the cherry on top.  My friends and family would DISOWN me.  They HATE her with every fiber of their being for what she did to me .

Replace the word "her" with "him" or "his" and it's as if I wrote that. 

[Tausk]

sorry technical glitch

[Tausk]

Can't really say my ex is self destructing.   She married the guy she cheated on me with.  But I knew that he was a better fit for her.  He's ten years younger than me.  He's calmer and has almost no triggers.   He's wealthier and owns his own company,  so she'll not have to work and they'll have the flexibility to travel.  She's almost done with her Ph.D.  They had a great wedding and looked to be the Hollywood couple... .

So how do I find relief?  

I often wish bad things for them.  I think about sabotaging their marriage.  I wanted anything to happen but her getting married to him.  It was my absolute worse nightmare.  And they live in town, rather than 100 miles away where she should have been. So basically she sociopathically used me to get into the situation that she has now.   I think I could have sabotaged their relationship.  But I didn't, and now I'm paying the price of their marriage.

How do I find relief?  How do I not become bitter?  I do not become consumed with resentment, anger and the desire for revenge.   I do my best to avoid these emotions and  bitterness, because:

1.  I know that she's still the same person.  She didn't magically become whole.  She's still the terrified three-year old who lives in a pure nightmare about a world that she doesn't understand and honestly believes is meant to torture and abuse her.

I know this for a fact.  So I pity her, feel compassion for her.

2.  I find my integrity by saying, if I really loved her like I said I did, then I would want the best for her unconditionally.   Unconditionally... . even if came at the cost of my shame and pain.

So I try and pray for the best for her and her husband.  I do it for me, and my integrity and self worth.  I do it because I know that we were f'cked up and destructive.  And that being apart is actually the best thing that happened for me with my ex.

And I try and wish her the best, because I know that she's terrified, virtually every second of every moment.  I wanted to rescue her from that horrific terror.  And I thought that if I was able to rescue her from her terror, that would rescue me and my family from the terror we endured when I was a child.  I thought by rescuing her from her terror;  me, my family and my ex  would feel safe in the past, present and future.

But her terror is beyond rescue and my past is my past.  So maybe with her new husband, she'll survive? Maybe the Disorder will have minimal damage.  But I know that happiness and love are not possible for her.   The Disorder always wins.

T

[Lights843]

Johnny,

Reading that felt like something I would have written myself. Describes my entire situation perfectly. Thank you for sharing and please know that you're not alone. It's as if some of our exBPD's are following the same script.

[Red Sky]

Tausk. You're always so eloquent. Thank you for sharing that.

I can quite honestly say that I have never and could never wish anything bad on my exBPDgf. I was aware of her disorder soon after we met, and I was always kind of aware what influence it had on her. I had quite a different experience in some ways, I think, because she very much fitted the waif type. No rage, no desire to lash out at me, at least in the time I knew her. I have always wanted the best for her and I can live quite well with having cut off contact with her, because with every day I spend learning about BPD I realize more that it was the right decision not just for me but for her.

The ex before that, whom I suspect uNPD? Totally different ball game. He abused me mentally then physically for several years. He never had moments of contrition, he didn't know he could do wrong. He was shocked and outraged when I dumped him. (Then the threats started of course... . )

I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. I spent years in that relationship feeling compassion for him, telling myself that his issues were not his fault. He took it all out on me. Now I feel compassion for the strange, lost, cowed person I became in those years. Because that person is not the stubborn, no-nonsense, driven RedSky that I know, that I am now. I didn't appreciate her enough before.

I lost my early adult years in that relationship. I was quite often physically ill with anxiety (the cause escaped me at the time... . ) when I should have been gaining confidence and finding my place in the world, he was pushing me down so that he could feel better about himself. And I've come out of it okay. Dare I say it, I have what I think is a successful start to a career, I'm confident, open to trying anything, physically fit, and I'm a damn sight happier than he probably is. He has been NC'd for almost a year, but I still feel like I've won and it feels like the only kind of satisfaction I can take. I *hope* he is unhappy, and he is the only person I have EVER wished this for, and I hope above all else that he never finds another girlfriend because I know that he learnt NOTHING from our relationship and I don't want someone else to go through that.

Of course we had good times... . Lots of them, how else would the relationship have lasted so long? I savored them so much, though, because he was so volatile. And I do try to let the happy times stand alone as good experiences in my life.

I ask myself... . Did I love him, or did I just not have the confidence to leave? If I loved him, would I want the best for him? My answer is that I would be very pleased if he could recognize his issues, sort them out and have a peaceful, happy life. I am certain that there IS a good person in there, somewhere, because I saw the good and did my best to bring it out. But in his current state I just can't find it in me to wish him a single shred of happiness. And that's where I'm stuck.

At the moment it's not really relevant anyway, because he's NC'd. Whatever he does isn't my business, the feelings are all just things in my head anyways. Until the crisis that brought me here I hadn't examined these feelings in months. But unfortunately, my current job away from home won't last forever and I'll have to face him at some point. It would be nice to be over it by then. >_>

That was a total ramble I know. But I think this relationship is the one that my troubles stem from, and the one with my BPD ex has just triggered all my messy feelings. Tausk, you opened the floodgates on the topic of bitterness, and whilst I don't really expect any response from anyone on this, it was good to order my thoughts and write them down. Helps me to proceed from here.

[Tausk]

I ask myself... . Did I love him, or did I just not have the confidence to leave? If I loved him, would I want the best for him? My answer is that I would be very pleased if he could recognize his issues, sort them out and have a peaceful, happy life. I am certain that there IS a good person in there, somewhere, because I saw the good and did my best to bring it out. But in his current state I just can't find it in me to wish him a single shred of happiness. And that's where I'm stuck.

I'm glad you opened the floodgates.  It helps me to write things down.  Then they are out of my head.  NPD are much more destructive and difficult.  But I'm a rescuer so they weren't a threat to me as much as my three ex BPDgfs.    

But the cycle stops here cuz I know better.  And that's what counts.  Finding love for myself in the now.

Maybe you can wish your ex happiness in the long-run along with getting whatever he may deserve so that he can grow and learn...  I try that sometimes.  That way I don't enable, and also I am not the judge of my exes actions.  I'm just someone who prays for the benefit of my ex... . whatever that might be.

Thanks for sharing,

T

[Red Sky]

Thank you Tausk. You are right, I would be happy if he grew and learned... . A part of me thought that by dumping him, I might help him see he had crossed a line, but no. I spent today pondering this, and I guess that I do hate the disorder, not him himself. He was an unhappy person, the whole time... . I guess the disorder won, not either of us. I never thought about the fact that I can escape the unhappiness so much more easily than he can... .

If in five years' time he looked back and said 'oh my goodness, I am so ashamed that I hit Red in front of her friends/cheated on Red then told her how much fun it was etc*' then I could... . Not really forgive and forget, but I don't think I would feel at all bitter.

* Does this sound bitter? Yeah, this sounds bitter. Not quite there yet. But I'll settle for knowing it will depart in time.

You've helped me immensely with moving on. You should definitely have love for yourself in the now ^__^