Co- dependence attracted to BPD or no co-dependent

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Most of the research ive done States that it's mostly co dependent guys are attached and attracted to women that have BPD my ex BPD gf however is dating a guy (my replacement) is far from the opposite she's doing a very good job of idolising him at the moment even text me to say how amazing he is and can see what she needs and is protective all the things she done with me and said to me at the start but is no means co dependent is Ther relaitionship likely to last with someone the same as them in attitude terms etc ?

[Splitblack4good]

Most of the research ive done States that it's mostly co dependent guys are attached and attracted to women that have BPD my ex BPD gf however is dating a guy (my replacement) is far from the opposite she's doing a very good job of idolising him at the moment even text me to say how amazing he is and can see what she needs and is protective all the things she done with me and said to me at the start but is no means co dependent is Ther relaitionship likely to last with someone the same as them in attitude terms etc ?

[Splitblack4good]

I may of not worded this post right I'm informed he is a nice guy to the women in his life and a good mate to his mates but the other side to him is the mess with me and you will know about it drug dealer/duck and dive wide boy the bad  boy that everyone just loves very violent been in prison twice for gbh and my exBPD gf is obviously a little like that due to the disorder obviously is that a strange match for the relationship to last ? She's got a lot more abusive since she has been with him and her attitude stinks even more ! Making it well known she is with this guy to get even more attention to fuel her ego doing his drug money runs and pick ups for him she's only been with him a month her clothes style has changed dramatically Just seems to be bringing the worst out in her BPD a lot more than when I was with her even her voice has changed to a gang member I almost laughed wen she spoke to me can it last or likely self destruct?

[enlighten me]

Its not likely to last. A pwBPD seems destined to repeat the cycle. All that differs is the time the relationship lasts. They want so many things that contradict each other. They will put up with some of the things that upset them but eventually these will overwhelm the good points tgat a person has.

[Splitblack4good]

So what your saying is it's feeding  her high need for excitement and anger chaos and drama needs but in the end will be to much when her emotional cycle kicks in ? Don't get me wrong if she's happy then ok but she has got children and can't neglect them for long while she is in this fantasy land surly?

[Splitblack4good]

So what your saying is it's furling her excitement needs and anger chaos and drama needs but in the end will be to much when her emotional cycle kicks in ? To much of the bad out weighs the good in the end ?

[Hadlee]

My xBPD friend just ended a relationship with a drug addict, who did not work.  They were together for 9 years!  She got a lot of sympathy and attention from people for all that she put up with in the relationship, however I don't believe he was as bad as she made him out to be.

The shiny new toy she is idolizing at the moment does have a job and isn't into drugs.  This guy has very low self esteem, is naive and only had one girlfriend in his life.  He seems like he has some anger issues, always looks sad, and lacks social skills.  He is also 10 years younger than her.  Her ex bf was a year older than her with plenty of experience with women, quite confident and outgoing.  

So I'm yet to see a pattern with her moving on to the same kind of guy.  She certainly wouldn't get the sympathy and attention she thrives on if she does hook up with the new toy, especially as he works with her!  Who knows though... .Time will tell.  

[Splitblack4good]

My xBPD friend just ended a relationship with a drug addict, who did not work.  They were together for 9 years!  She got a lot of sympathy and attention from people for all that she put up with in the relationship, however I don't believe he was as bad as she made him out to be.

The shiny new toy she is idolizing at the moment does have a job and isn't into drugs.  This guy has very low self esteem, is naive and only had one girlfriend in his life.  He seems like he has some anger issues, always looks sad, and lacks social skills.  He is also 10 years younger than her.  Her ex bf was a year older than her with plenty of experience with women, quite confident and outgoing.  

So I'm yet to see a pattern with her moving on to the same kind of guy.  She certainly wouldn't get the sympathy and attention she thrives on if she does hook up with the new toy, especially as he works with her!  Who knows though... .Time will tell.  

I wouldn't say he's an addict but does get high on own supply shall we say . Wher he can be around her a lot more and giving her loads of attention from start to finish will that not engulf her ? My relationship with her was up and down with saying I wasn't ther enough at times due to work etc but at weekends would spend a lot of time together when I was attentive more to her needs and attention put on her that's when she started to disengage from me I set boundaries were my job was concerned and would leave if she was having a rage he's around her constantly or they are always together causing drama and chaos

[Splitblack4good]

I would say I stayed pretty consistent with boundaries I wasn't fully co dependent and stood my ground and had a laugh and did things exciting with her so maybe it might work with them 2 is what your saying ?

[Splitblack4good]

My ex has an alternating pattern middle ground nice guy then bad boy then middle ground etc her last bad boy bf lasted a year she said he was fun at first goin out drinking and recreatioal drugs then it went bad coz the reality of havin kids came first her longest relationship was 4 years her ex before bad boy her first FB was 3 years he was middle ground this could be interesting it's almost like she needs a excitment and drama chaos fix in between relaitionships ! Then wants to return to finding a nice family kinda guy for her kids but has not of fun at the weekends

[OutOfEgypt]

My ex would do the same thing... .tell me flat out or drop little hints of how the replacement is better than me, even while we were still married.  This is some kind of sick triangulation.  It allows her to get new supply and be fawned over by TWO men, one she has in the dumpster and one she is currently with.  She gets to punish you while simultaneously living in denial about how she is.

Any healthy man would not stay with her.  I used to think that the last guy she cheated on me with was different, too.  She portrayed him this way.  But in time I saw that he was just as obsessed with her as I was... .even more so.  He still is, four years later, even though she wants nothing to do with him.  

She's just trying to avoid her own guilt and make you feel terrible.  :)on't buy it.  You are the one who is better off, not her.  BPD women like this want men to be obsessed with them.  That is their dynamic.  Whether you love them or hate them, it matters little so long as you are completely stuck on them and always thinking about them and what they are doing.

[downwhim]

It has been two months since our break up and he has not tried to contact me. I did hear from his latest rebound though. She called me at 2:30 am drunk saying she is my twin... .How sick is that? I am sure he is doing the same things with her he did with me. My exbd likes routine. It keeps him from going crazy I think... .She will eventually see what he is really like and his rages will start with her too. It may take awhile but it will happen.

[peiper]

My xBPD friend just ended a relationship with a drug addict, who did not work.  They were together for 9 years!  She got a lot of sympathy and attention from people for all that she put up with in the relationship, however I don't believe he was as bad as she made him out to be.

The shiny new toy she is idolizing at the moment does have a job and isn't into drugs.  This guy has very low self esteem, is naive and only had one girlfriend in his life.  He seems like he has some anger issues, always looks sad, and lacks social skills.  He is also 10 years younger than her.  Her ex bf was a year older than her with plenty of experience with women, quite confident and outgoing.  

So I'm yet to see a pattern with her moving on to the same kind of guy.  She certainly wouldn't get the sympathy and attention she thrives on if she does hook up with the new toy, especially as he works with her!  Who knows though... .Time will tell.  

The pattern is their breathing and willing to get involved.

[HappyNihilist]

Codependence can certainly make someone more susceptible to staying in a relationship with a pwPD. And there are lots of codependent traits that mesh well with the needs of a pwPD. But every person and relationship is different.

As for the longevity of their relationships... .my speculation is that pwBPD have the best chance of a "successful" relationship with someone who doesn't intensely trigger their abandonment fears. It doesn't matter if that person is codependent or not, similarly disordered or not -- what matters is how the pwBPD views them.

My exBPDbf is very self-aware, and he basically told me this was the case for him. His most stable relationship was with a (codependent) woman with whom he said he was never "in love" -- he didn't feel those all-consuming fears because of that. He had a stormy marriage to a BPD woman (and those were some entertaining stories). The ex whom he most deeply loved and missed was the one who triggered him the most, and they had an intense, tumultuous relationship.