After you've been split black, is it normal for them to avoid you at all costs?

[SarahinMA]

So, at the end of my relationship with my ex, whom I suspect has some sort of BPD, devalued me and discarded me.  I've spoken about his crazy, out-of-the-blue actions on the board and I know that many of you have had similar situations.  I also think he has elements of avoidant and dependent personality issues- he never jumped to another woman after me for his source, but his best friend and roommate.  They now do everything together (even though his roommate is engaged to be married and they all three live together). 

My ex and I have MANY mutual friends that he refuses to hang out with because of me.  He claimed after we broke up that they chose me over him, which is absolutely not true.  He gets invited to all the same parties I do, but never shows up.  He also changed gyms and grocery stores from the ones we used to go to.  He plays on sports teams in neighboring towns so he doesn't have to see me (I heard this from a mutual acquaintance who still keeps in touch with his roommate). 

After a year broken up, is this normal?  I don't know why it still hurts that he is like this, but I just don't understand it.  I guess I hoped one day that we could at least be civil to each other and maybe friends... .  Maybe because I was never recycled, I just don't understand how he can still hate me so much that he can't even be near me.  We dated for close to two years! Although, the more I read about this, the more I wonder if I don't want him in my life.  Especially someone that is able to pass me on the street and pretend that he doesn't know me. 

Sigh... .  

[HardTruth]

Yes, that is what happened to me. 

The sudden turning black, with no reason and no warning, is really devastating.

The sudden break-up and abandonment after being so close, and having the other person be the one pursuing YOU is devastating and confusing.

Mine won't even talk to me on the phone, even after he told me he would.  Has no contact with me, has certainly not tried to recycle me, has not talked to the mutual friend who introduced us, although they used to talk every week and were pretty good friends.

He goes on with the rest of his life like normal.  I'm sure he's told his friends untrue and not nice things about me.  He HAS to, in order to make sure that they know that I was the problem, not HIM... .  

I don't know if I'll ever see him or talk to him again.  He lives in a different town than I do. 

[gettingoverit]

OMG YES! It is very common. It's like they have to move on as quickly as possible and pretend like they never knew you and that your relationship never happened. It's completely screwed. Once my ex was done and had her replacement lined up she was gone. She did some pretty self serving, selfish, down right ___ty things on her way out the door, so now I think she hides from me for fear of retribution and frankly if I were her and had done some of the things that she had done, I would be completely ashamed of myself and avoid that person at all costs too. 

[seeking balance]

So, at the end of my relationship with my ex, whom I suspect has some sort of BPD, devalued me and discarded me.  I've spoken about his crazy, out-of-the-blue actions on the board and I know that many of you have had similar situations.  I also think he has elements of avoidant and dependent personality issues- he never jumped to another woman after me for his source, but his best friend and roommate.  They now do everything together (even though his roommate is engaged to be married and they all three live together). 

My ex and I have MANY mutual friends that he refuses to hang out with because of me.  He claimed after we broke up that they chose me over him, which is absolutely not true.  He gets invited to all the same parties I do, but never shows up.  He also changed gyms and grocery stores from the ones we used to go to.  He plays on sports teams in neighboring towns so he doesn't have to see me (I heard this from a mutual acquaintance who still keeps in touch with his roommate). 

After a year broken up, is this normal?  I don't know why it still hurts that he is like this, but I just don't understand it.  I guess I hoped one day that we could at least be civil to each other and maybe friends... .  Maybe because I was never recycled, I just don't understand how he can still hate me so much that he can't even be near me.  We dated for close to two years! Although, the more I read about this, the more I wonder if I don't want him in my life.  Especially someone that is able to pass me on the street and pretend that he doesn't know me. 

Sigh... .  

To be fair, this is the same things we suggest nons to do to detach.  He may be hurt and seeing you opens up wounds that he does not want to subject himself too.

Everyone deals with a breakup differently. The fact he didn't go directly into a relationship could be a sign he is trying to figure out his own issues. 

Why does this bother you?  We know from the lessons that we are their trigger for poor behavior - if he has figured this out too, perhaps he is working on himself.

Not saying "hi" passing by is a bit extreme - probably black/white thinking on his part.

[HardTruth]

It seems to me that Sara's ex's behavior is more extreme than normal, and more over-the-top than what I've seen recommended on these boards.  I've never changed my grocery store or gym to avoid an ex.  I may hope not to see them, but would not go out of my way by changing my routine, driving extra miles, etc. in order to avoid them.

Personally, I find the silent treatment really painful.  It's just super sad, and takes some work to find closure yourself since you can't get it from them.

[Oneneatguy]

I agree that we advocate that there be NC.  I told my expBPD wife that I wanted zero contact with her.  I have spoken to her a few times, however it is purely functional conversations.

We are coming up to the one year anniversary of our divorce.  To be honest, I am glad that I had the courage to say I wanted zero contact.

If your ex bf has BPD it would be the best not to have contact with him. 

I also believe that we cannot blame all the relationship ills on the person with BPD.  We need to take ownership of the situation and share in the responsibility, to do less is playing the victim.

My life is not fully back on track after the major train wreck of a relaitonship with my ex, but I do feel much better and am more mentally healthy than I have been for years.

When we first split up I was very upset, now I can say I would never go back.  For all those who are still struggling, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[BlushAndBashful]

Sarah, I'm with you. My ex avoids me like the plague and it's been 15 months.  I have seen NOTHING like it, ever. We live in a very small town a few blocks from each other, and we work for the same company (different buildings, but very close).  He sweet-talked his boss into tweaking his work schedule (that the 1000+ other employees all have to abide by) so that he can show up and leave 15 minutes early- so that we don't accidentally SEE EACH OTHER on the road going to and from work.   He goes to friends' houses and parks in the alley or around the corner.

I'll also see him every couple of months driving around town and he will veer off the road and go racing down the closest side street, just to avoid driving past me. Really? What am I going to do? Jump out of my car going 40 mph? Ram into your truck? Make *gasp* EYE CONTACT? He literally starts swerving.

Also (in the past, during our many breakups) there have been events that we both would have wanted to go to, but we both skip out. (And they are events that HE really should go to, since he is active in those charities and communities- like fundraisers, concerts, etc).  I'll at least be honest and say I didn't go because I didn't want to run into him.  He'll say "Oh, I didn't go, because I know how much you enjoy XYZ and I wanted you to enjoy yourself and not make you feel uncomfortable."  You know, being the gentleman and sacrificing for my wants and needs. BS. First, if that were really the case, you would have told me BEFORE the event so I could go... .  and no. You are doing it for yourself, because you don't want to see me. Don't EVEN try to protray yourself as some martyr.

Of course, there's the usual (for BPD, not for normal r/s) behaviors of immediately changing phone numbers and email accounts, etc. Normal because that seems to be a frequent theme in these r/s. Seriously, I have had the same home and cell numbers and email addresses for over a decade. I have NEVER thought to switch my contact info because of a breakup. Him? He had 5-6 cell numbers in the 8 years we were together, on and off. Funny, he never changed his number when I was painted black... .  always conveniently during our breakups. Hmmmm.

[Clearmind]

I don't see this as a BPD trait. I avoided my ex for 8 months and constantly looked over my shoulder.

I agree that we all handle break ups differently and it's possible he is processing - some borderlines are capable of recognizing a pattern and like my ex he is maybe wondering how it all went wrong. It all felt fantastic for him at one point, just like it did for you.

Does it hurt because to some degree you may still blame yourself for the relationship failure? I know I blamed myself for a long time.

[Leaf]

I'll also see him every couple of months driving around town and he will veer off the road and go racing down the closest side street, just to avoid driving past me.

Maybe he is afraid of his own emotions. I know my BPDxbf got really apprehensive when we entered neighbourhoods where he might run into one of the exes he had had more or less serious relationships with.

Leaf

[cal644]

My soon to be exw was the same way - she didn't jump into a new (personal) relationship (her's is texting where they don't have to make contact.  She doesn't want to date other men because all men are scum and they only want one thing.  She will try to avoid me as much as possible - I beleive she is either a hermit or waif BPD - as she hates groups, prefers to be alone and avoids any personal/physical contact as she always keeps people at arms length.  I beleive she is trying to find herself which I am thankful for.  But when I turned Black because of a texting friend I beleive she prefers the fantasy with no fear of being hurt and being able to withdraw at her convienience and is afraid of the reality if there is personal contact.  She also has turned all of our friend black - since she beleives they all took my side (but they are still her friends too) - but many of them have been hurt too by her turning them black and saying how horrible they are and avoiding them (they can't understand it either). 

[cal644]

I also forgot to add about the avoiding (when she does see me) she will always text how good I look and how she wishes she could come and talk to me - so I think she is also affraid of her emotions.  When I have asked her out on a date a time or two - her reply is that she can't she is affraid of her emotions and is affraid she will fall and come back.  I'm like isn't that the point to reconnect?

[asunder]

I remember once we we got back together, she had just gotten out of a relationship.  A couple of times just trying to make conversation, I asked about her X.  She refused to talk about it at all, which I found weird.  Exceedingly curious, I pressed her one day and she blurted out through tears "I loved him" (the implication was that it was much too painful for her to think about, let alone talk about).  It was disconcerting to me, but so totally alien to the way that I relate to people that I couldn't identify at all.  Red flag, I guess.

Now I'm that guy in all likelihood, even though she is my wife.

[SarahinMA]

Everyone tells me that he's just an A-Hole and that's what he was before we dated and what he is now.  He's definitely acting like one and has since we broke up, but it's almost a sad thing to witness as well.  This person lit up every time he saw me... .  I felt it.  It wasn't projection- he seemed genuinely happy for 2 years, until the end.  His closest friends now (who used to be my friends as well) are cold to me as well, which makes me wonder what he and his new source have been telling them. 

Yes, I avoided exes in the past after a breakup- for about 6 months or so, until I had moved on.  It's been over a year now and it's like he just wants to forget any trace of me.  Like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".  He told me after the breakup that he never asked about me and doesn't want to hear anything about me. 

I know it shouldn't hurt still, but it does.  I think I do blame myself a little although not nearly as much as I did in the past.  He always told me I never seemed to love him enough... .  

[gettingoverit]

I know it shouldn't hurt still, but it does.  I think I do blame myself a little although not nearly as much as I did in the past.  He always told me I never seemed to love him enough... .  

It's never enough. No matter what you do or don't do, it's never enough for these people. Don't beat yourself up over that. You were in a lose lose lose situation.

[HardTruth]

I think there's a big difference between deciding on NC for healthy reasons and having good boundaries, and "disappearing" or giving someone the silent treatment.  It can be a fine line sometimes, I think, to know what is going on.

If your exbf let you know, "Look, I can't talk to you for a while.  I don't even want to see you right now because it hurts too much and I need to process this break-up", and you get to have a conversation about that and then decide to respect his wishes, that's one thing.  When they disappear, don't give you an explanation, avoid you like the plague, their friends avoid you or give you the cold shoulder... .  that seems a little weird and unhealthy to me. 

Acting this way is not exclusive to BPD.  Regardless, it's still very hurtful.  For me, it re-triggers a fundamental experience of abandonment.  Even if you don't have abandonment issues in the past, it IS an abandonment when someone does this, and it doesn't feel good.  How long should it take to get over it?  Some of my friends said that I should be over it right now.  A day, a week, a month after it happened. "He's an ___hole, he did you a favor", etc.  Sure, the intellect can understand that logic.  Your heart, unfortunately, usually does not.

Personally, I can understand it still bothering you after a year.  When my exNPD broke up with me and gave me the silent treatment, it literally took me 3 years, and lots of counseling, to get over it.  But that's just me

[Discarded26]

I think there's a big difference between deciding on NC for healthy reasons and having good boundaries, and "disappearing" or giving someone the silent treatment.  It can be a fine line sometimes, I think, to know what is going on.

If your exbf let you know, "Look, I can't talk to you for a while.  I don't even want to see you right now because it hurts too much and I need to process this break-up", and you get to have a conversation about that and then decide to respect his wishes, that's one thing.  When they disappear, don't give you an explanation, avoid you like the plague, their friends avoid you or give you the cold shoulder... .  that seems a little weird and unhealthy to me. 

Acting this way is not exclusive to BPD.  Regardless, it's still very hurtful.  For me, it re-triggers a fundamental experience of abandonment.  Even if you don't have abandonment issues in the past, it IS an abandonment when someone does this, and it doesn't feel good.  How long should it take to get over it?  Some of my friends said that I should be over it right now.  A day, a week, a month after it happened. "He's an ___hole, he did you a favor", etc.  Sure, the intellect can understand that logic.  Your heart, unfortunately, usually does not.

Personally, I can understand it still bothering you after a year.  When my exNPD broke up with me and gave me the silent treatment, it literally took me 3 years, and lots of counseling, to get over it.  But that's just me


I've been abandoned and it's killing me. Just hurts so much that someone can just walk away like that, so easily.

[Discarded26]

I've been abandoned and it's killing me. Just hurts so much that someone can just walk away like that, so easily

[mitti]

Hi SarahinMA,

I haven't read all the posts but your ex's reaction and behavior after your breakup is an exact copy of how my bf acted after our we broke up 2 years ago. He split me completely black in a matter of 10 mins and refused any contact after that. He also changed gyms, changed where he bought his groceries and we live only a 5-minute walk away from each other so he really had to make a detour to get food. We never really had that many mutual friends but the ones we do have he avoided. Nobody knew what happened to him. And like yours he didn't meet anybody else after me but used a "friend" for support and triangulate me with. Their friendship was anything but normal or sound but more of an abusive and controlling r/s, with my bf being the subservient and abused party, although there was no romantic feelings involved. They did everything together and he even took this friend for a 5-week holiday. Although we live so close I never once in 7 months so much as even saw him. My D saw him once and he froze and then blanked her. To this day he claims it was the other way around.

[SarahinMA]

Oh, and I also forgot- he changed his entire wardrobe as well.  Sigh... .  

[mitti]

Oh, and I also forgot- he changed his entire wardrobe as well.  Sigh... .  

Not sure exactly what you mean, but when my ex (yes, we've just broken up) came back to me after the 7 months apart he had changed the way he dressed, not completely but he had bought and wore some new clothes I had never seen him wear, not just new but a different style. He had also started shaving differently. To be honest I think his friend had "inspired" his new style. It was weird to me because it didn't seem to be him.

[SarahinMA]

Yeah, that's what I mean.  He had bought new sneakers with me like 2 weeks before we broke up.  When I accidentally ran into him a month after we broke up, he had some brand new ones.  I also heard from friends that he was going on spending binges on new clothes- and like your ex, he had a complete new style every time I saw him. 

[mitti]

And I guess it goes without saying that my ex would always refer to his friend's opinions, statements, suggestions and whatever.

[Loveofhislife]

I found this year-old thread when I was Googling tonight. I always am reluctant to write as if one BPD experience is worse than another--we all are hurt and come here to heal. However, the words in these posts express the hurt of TOTAL, OUT IF THE BLUE ABANDONMENT. My exbfBPD is so similar to the initiator of this post: GONE IN 60 SECONDS. He is utterly unable to hear my voice or see me since he walked out on August 1. He moved; left town; and quickly started on dating sites. We weren't fighting or even discussing a break up--just ongoing BPD issues and his SERIOUS money and jealousy problems: nothing new. My only guess is that in some cases their shame is so great or we have become such a trigger that they completely sever us from their lives. I've never heard of or seen anything like it.

[Splitblack4good]

So, at the end of my relationship with my ex, whom I suspect has some sort of BPD, devalued me and discarded me.  I've spoken about his crazy, out-of-the-blue actions on the board and I know that many of you have had similar situations.  I also think he has elements of avoidant and dependent personality issues- he never jumped to another woman after me for his source, but his best friend and roommate.  They now do everything together (even though his roommate is engaged to be married and they all three live together).  

My ex and I have MANY mutual friends that he refuses to hang out with because of me.  He claimed after we broke up that they chose me over him, which is absolutely not true.  He gets invited to all the same parties I do, but never shows up.  He also changed gyms and grocery stores from the ones we used to go to.  He plays on sports teams in neighboring towns so he doesn't have to see me (I heard this from a mutual acquaintance who still keeps in touch with his roommate).  

After a year broken up, is this normal?  I don't know why it still hurts that he is like this, but I just don't understand it.  I guess I hoped one day that we could at least be civil to each other and maybe friends... .  Maybe because I was never recycled, I just don't understand how he can still hate me so much that he can't even be near me.  We dated for close to two years! Although, the more I read about this, the more I wonder if I don't want him in my life.  Especially someone that is able to pass me on the street and pretend that he doesn't know me.  

Sigh... . 

my ex BPD gf it still angry at me probably even more so as time goes on I am the darkest shade of black ! The last text I got from her in response to my message of apoligies was

You have no idea how angry I am at you and never will ! You are dead to me ... in other words because out of sight out of mind means you are dead ! Now reading that via text message would seem not scary however I can imagine her saying that or thinking that out loud and seeing the anger on her face in rage ! . to me reading that was scary and had the affect she wanted .ive stayed NC since.and she will go out of her way to not bump into me or socialise in the same town as me its my replacement that sees the rage that is ment for me every time my name might be mentioned! They bear massive grudges once you really upset them. They hate being dump by a non and that's what I did and the cherry on the cake was I told her I hated her at the same time I think my ex avoids me for my OWN safety !

[Loveofhislife]

my ex BPD gf it still angry at me probably even more so as time goes on I am the darkest shade of black ! The last text I got from her in response to my message of apoligies was

You have no idea how angry I am at you and never will ! You are dead to me ... in other words because out of sight out of mind means you are dead ! Now reading that via text message would seem not scary however I can imagine her saying that or thinking that out loud and seeing the anger on her face in rage ! . to me reading that was scary and had the affect she wanted .ive stayed NC since.and she will go out of her way to not bump into me or socialise in the same town as me its my replacement that sees the rage that is ment for me every time my name might be mentioned! They bear massive grudges once you really upset them. They hate being dump by a non and that's what I did and the cherry on the cake was I told her I hated her at the same time I think my ex avoids me for my OWN safety ![/quote]
Splitblack:

I had never heard the term "split black"  until I came to BPD Family.  I am the oppostie side of the coin of BPD as a codependent raised in a very narcissistic FOO; accordingly, I cling; make excuses for people; overlook and deny huge defects in character and behavior, etc. So, abandonment and splitting black is so foreign to me that it is unthinkable.  I have lost both of my parents to Alzheimers and was subsequently divorced after a 25 year marriage.  I almost lost my teenage son to a drug overdose and my home to a fire. (all in a matter of six years).  I already was reeling from loss and "learning to let go" when I met exbfBPD (exactly one year after my divorce).  I read a lot of good articles last night on how they identify and target their "prey."  Somehow, he sensed that my self esteem was at an all time low.  The Miley Cyrus song comes to mind, "Wrecking Ball," he spent an entire year studying me, using me, etc.  I'd like to think he somehow cared.  Because since he suddenly abandoned me on August 1, 2014; he has been utterly unable to see me or hear my voice. We are in an ongoing "debt collection" process with my attorney, and exbfBPD begs the attorney NOT to bring me to various meeting places.  He left town and moved 40 miles away from me--which puts him 60+ miles away from his sons.  He cannot bear to be reminded of my existence, until... .he needs something.  Then he pops up on text.

Is this typical?