Are you happy?

[FigureIt]

So on Thanksgiving, after I had busted my ass for 3 days cleaning and preparing for dinner with my uBPDbf family at our house he asks me if I'm "happy."  I said yes, but then I get that I don't tell him enough.  So tonight we go out together to watch NFL football, have a good day, and then he starts in after everyone has left the bar.  How I don't have a filter, how I said something to his son (over 4 months ago when we were close to breaking up) that I couldn't take it anymore, how all I do is lie, blah blah blah. 

AM I Happy?  with me? Yes, my daughter? Yes    my uBPDbf... .NO   

There is never a happy time.  He is constantly either silent, unspeaking or a complete ass (especially after he has been drinking.)  He doesn't even know when to stop drinking.  An example we went out a 1pm and I am home now to meet my daughter at 7pm and he had to continue on to another bar to continue drinking. (cause he doesn't have to work tomorrow)  You know what there is NO POINT in talking to him about it, because he doesn't believe his behavior is "that bad... ."  According to him.  I don't even know anymore... .  I don't want to be with any other man and I don't want to be with him (this way).

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

I'm sorry, FigureIt

It sounds like your relationship is very stressful, and his drinking isn't helping. I guess you've already realized that we can't change anyone but ourselves; have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page? And the Feature Articles linked to under the photos at the top of this Board's threads? There are Lessons to the right side of the page that can give you some handle on how you may be able to change things in your relationship to help make things better... .Do you by any chance use any of the communication tools & techniques with your Boyfriend? Validation, S.E.T., etc.?

Lots of people have found that going to Al-Anon meetings can help with dealing with a partner with drinking problems; I know it helped my Husband and me a lot when we were dealing my son (37 now; diagnosed with BPD in 2013) who at the time had a Heroin addiction (he's been clean and sober now for 20 months  ). Do you by any chance have a Counselor or Therapist to help you deal with this relationship? Is your Boyfriend diagnosed at all? Does he have a Therapist himself? Has he ever gotten help for his disorder (if he has one) or drinking problems?

The worst thing is that we just don't have any control over anything our loves ones do, but the best thing is that once we accept that and make changes in the way we deal with them, they in turn can change the way they react to us, and things can improve. Being the "responsible" one in a relationship is very stressful and eventually can wear us down or cause resentment... .Once you take care of you, and change the way you interact with your Boyfriend, that can cause things to change. It sounds like you have a very heavy burden of propping up and reacting to your Boyfriend; sometimes when we care for ourselves more do what is right for us, that can be the catalyst for our loved ones to get their acts together... .What do you do for yourself, FigureIt? 

[formflier]

  You know what there is NO POINT in talking to him about it, because he doesn't believe his behavior is "that bad... ."

Can you explain this a bit more?   What is the linkage to talking to him about something... .and his beliefs about his behavior?

[FigureIt]

I have tried many times to validate his feelings.  After a drinking event I've tried to wrk through with him the issue, problem.  I've tried to set boundaries but he commonly breaks them and then gets mean.

What I ment by trying to talk with him, mean explain why I don't want to go out on the weekends, cuz many times it inevitably ends in him being mean.  So I'd rather just avoid it.  I've tried to talk to him about his behavior so maybe he sees why I can't tolerate things.

An example... .He frequently will accuses me of "looking to" or "trying to" cheat on him.  I have now been accused of texting someone that was sitting in front of me at a sporting event.  My uBPDbf claims he saw the guys phone and there was a text with my first name.  My uBPDbf May have actually seen my name on a text (it is actually a pretty common name for my generation), but I don't, didn't even know the person and/or have any conversation whether by text or in person with them. Yet, I have been accused of and ask to end it.  How can you end something that never happened?

I have an ex-husband and now an uBPDbf, I don't have time, energy, or the want to be involved with any other men... .

[formflier]

  How can you end something that never happened?

You don't... .turn this back and say ... ."Help me understand how I have a r/s with that person... ."

Listen... .validate emotions... .don't agree or disagree.

[FigureIt]

I understand the question turned back of "Help me understand how I have a r/s with that person... ."  When the response is "I saw a text with your first name." How do you answer that when I wasn't the one who texted?  As my uBPDbf would say "those are the facts" , but his facts are misinterpreted and then used as accusation.

It is possible there are others with my first name.  My mom was there too, so I asked her if it looked in any way that I knew the person in front of us... .She said no... .So I don't even know what my BF is seeing or interpreting.

How do I validate that he believes I am or want to cheat on him when I NEVER have or want to?

I all honesty it seems as his way to push me away and I'm not going to "fall all over him" to prove "I'm innocent" when I did NOTHING WRONG.

[FigureIt]

After reading some other posts, when accused of cheating/texting a complete stranger or anyone untrue, I should just respond "I'm sorry you feel that way."  Because there's no way to defend against something that NEVER happened? 

So am I then accepting his accusation?  Even though it is completely insane?

[formflier]

So am I then accepting his accusation?  Even though it is completely insane?

Neither... .don't accept or reject. 

You are in a r/s with person that you care about.  That person (for some reason) has troubling feelings... .and those feelings say that you are cheating.  I think we can all agree that we would be sorry that they have those feelings... .we can say that honestly... .earnestly... .with true compassion.

Then... .take a big sigh... .and big breath... .and move along.  Don't "engage" on the "truth" of the matter. 

Maybe later... once you are better working with tools you can get to the truth part... .but for now... .let that go.

So... .look at it this way... .

If your partner was really troubled (was having trouble sleeping... .was distracted... .was "outwardly angry"... .that martians have 3 eyes instead of 4... .  I think we can all agree... that we are sorry they feel that way... .

If you put it in that context in your mind... .it's easier to not get wrapped up in "responding".

Note:  Don't "blow them off"... .with "that's nice honey... ."... .that means you aren't paying attention. 

this is an expression that you care about their feelings.

[123Phoebe]

After reading some other posts, when accused of cheating/texting a complete stranger or anyone untrue, I should just respond "I'm sorry you feel that way."  Because there's no way to defend against something that NEVER happened?  

So am I then accepting his accusation?  Even though it is completely insane?

Hi Figure It,

How do you feel being wrongly accused of cheating?  Mad?  Sad?  Frustrated?

"It saddens me that you feel I can't be trusted and I don't really know what to do with this information... ."

"Blah blah you're a cheat!"

"It must suck and hurt to think I'm cheating.  If I thought you were cheating, I'd be really upset, too".

"It sucks that you were texting that guy!"

Don't validate the invalid.

"I love you, I did not text that guy and I'm not discussing this issue anymore."

And then you don't.  It comes up again, you decide what you'll do.

If saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way" works, then that's fine, too.  

It's not something I would say.  I would validate myself, validate his feelings, then speak my truth and/or act on my boundary.

[believer55]

Sounds to me like you exhausted and wondering if you can keep going. I know that feeling too well. Thinking of you. Take care of you and your daughter. Treat yourself well and believe in you. Hugs.

[FigureIt]

Sounds to me like you exhausted and wondering if you can keep going. I know that feeling too well. Thinking of you. Take care of you and your daughter. Treat yourself well and believe in you. Hugs.

I do truly feel exhausted!  I am at a point where I don't think it is worth it or suppose to be this hard. 

I guess part of all this does come from the fact that the day before thanksgiving I drove around the neighborhood because he was home and I didn't want to be questioned by him as to why I let my daughter go with her father early.  My BF saw me driving around and I gave him a white lie so he wouldn't be hurt, but I eventually told him "I wanted to be by myself and not see him."  But, now he is carrying on... .my BF has said after his supposed counseling yesterday, he needs to decide if he wants to be with someone who "avoids him."   

Honestly I wish he would "chose to leave." Only the thing is he won't. I will be punished, he will bring it up continuously as if it actually was an infidelity.

My stance now is I have said "I am sorry that my time alone, hurt him."

I have said "I am not cheating, nor do I want to." 

I'm done discussing and fighting this battle he wants.

Right now I want to be alone, just my daughter and me... .No more crazy!

I told him I chose to be with him because I wanted to share my life and family events like funerals, wedding, concerts, etc. with him. He tried to tell me I was selfish because that was only my family stuff... .WHAT?

[formflier]

I have said "I am not cheating, nor do I want to." 

I'm done discussing and fighting this battle he wants.

Hang in there... .I know this is frustrating stuff.

Can you read the above quote... .think about how those statements could be invalidating.  And come back and post your thoughts on how that could invalidate your BF

[FigureIt]

I guess they sound invalidating in that him thinking them makes him sound crazy.  Plus I do think it is more of him projecting that he wants to cheat or thinks about it.

This past Friday we went out, he again drank to excess and was nasty and rude.  I just said nothing, ignored him and went to bed.  He even tried to have "relations" after I was asleep, I just ignored and luckily there was a lab in the way too.  Anyways the next morning he said "I guess we didn't fight too much last night."  I told him right out he was not nice too me at all.  He claimed no recollection.

Then last night out of the blue he joined me at my D9's sports practice... .never having ever done that before.  I think he's looking to "catch me" although, nothing to "catch me" at.

[formflier]

Huge concept to grasp here.  You invalidated him bigtime!!   

OK... .take a breath... .realize the truth (actually who did what) doesn't matter when validating.

What matters are the feelings.

He "felt" like you cheated... .that feeling can be validated... .without agreeing that you did that. 

Take a moment... .how would you feel if he cheated on you?  How do you think most spouses would feel if their spouse cheated and they found out? 

Even worse... .how would you feel if you found out... and the other spouse was "denying"... or "hiding" it.  (most likely what he felt)  (remember... truth doesn't matter... just the feeling)

Finally realize that these feelings come and go.  So... .he felt that way when he spoke... .he may not feel that way 2 hours later... .or next day. 

At the moment they are feeling this... .try to validate that feeling (again... don't agree with it)

Take a try at writing a couple of statements that would validate the feeling...

[formflier]

I think he's looking to "catch me" although, nothing to "catch me" at.

Stay away from mind reading... .and trying to figure out motivations... .that is bad road to go down.

He came to a practice... .that is good thing... .that is step in right direction.  Express appreciation for his efforts... .be sincere... !

[FigureIt]

I understand I did invalidate and that is my wrong!

How do you take it when they invalidate?  His text to another woman claiming his son does all the decorating when in actuality it is me.  I said that I was hurt, obviously I'm not worth stating about.  He told me "he did nothing wrong."

And he gets drunk is mean and because I ignore him... ."we didn't fight too much... ."  So, his nastiness is okay?

[formflier]

How do you take it when they invalidate? 

Take it however you can... .as long as you don't take it personally!  It's not about you.  Remember that.   That can be hard to get straight in your head.

  So, his nastiness is okay?

No... it's not ok at all.  You should remember it... but when you remember it... .it should be to be to make wise choices... .not to "get mad" or "get even"

Look at it this way.

He is going to be nasty... for a while... until your change forces his change.

So... in the meantime... .1 nasty person is better than 2.    And not being nasty will help force his change a bit quicker...