Spontaneous holiday visit - trying to tease out FOG

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Got a Facebook message from my uBPDm this morning that she, and possibly also my dad (who is still married to her but hasn't lived with her in 5 years), will probably be making the 12-hour drive to spend Christmas Eve and the following couple of days with my sister and my brother, who both live in a town about 130 miles away from where I live.

Now, my husband and I have commitments already to be at home for Christmas Eve (we play music for our church, which has a service that night), and we prefer to have our Christmas morning with just the two of us; but we also had accepted an invitation to spend Christmas evening through the following Saturday with some friends of ours who do live in the same town as my siblings. My mother knows we will be visiting up there; she had asked me what our Christmas plans were several weeks ago, and I saw no harm in telling her at the time. She doesn't often ask about the details of my life.

So in the message informing me of her impending visit, she asked for my schedule - so that we can figure out a time to hang out together - and said "I sure hope we can get a family photo of all seven of us this time." This is in reference to the missed opportunity of my wedding last year, when we did not get a "family photo" because my brother and his wife were not talking to my mom and left right after the ceremony was over.

It irks me to no end that my mom insists on wanting a family photo when she and my dad are separated and my brother and his wife are frequently at violent odds with her. It's like she thinks it'll fix things, to have a photo that proves we are after all a family. ARGH.

But besides all that - I'm not going to go visit my friends, who are making all kinds of unusual preparations for us - planning all favorite meals, outings, et cetera - and use them as a hotel while I go try to make my mom feel like she's important enough to trump my prior plans. Just because we haven't had a Christmas together in years doesn't mean she can waltz into town and demand my time and attention.

Here's what's kicking me, though. If we didn't have other plans, I would not begrudge my mom and dad some significant time spent with them. I've got pretty good boundaries in place and can actually enjoy them in limited doses. I would be okay with working out something so we can see them, ordinarily. It's just a really poorly-timed visit and I'm not sure what my actual desires are and what is FOG trying to push me around.

[claudiaduffy]

Got a Facebook message from my uBPDm this morning that she, and possibly also my dad (who is still married to her but hasn't lived with her in 5 years), will probably be making the 12-hour drive to spend Christmas Eve and the following couple of days with my sister and my brother, who both live in a town about 130 miles away from where I live.

Now, my husband and I have commitments already to be at home for Christmas Eve (we play music for our church, which has a service that night), and we prefer to have our Christmas morning with just the two of us; but we also had accepted an invitation to spend Christmas evening through the following Saturday with some friends of ours who do live in the same town as my siblings. My mother knows we will be visiting up there; she had asked me what our Christmas plans were several weeks ago, and I saw no harm in telling her at the time. She doesn't often ask about the details of my life.

So in the message informing me of her impending visit, she asked for my schedule - so that we can figure out a time to hang out together - and said "I sure hope we can get a family photo of all seven of us this time." This is in reference to the missed opportunity of my wedding last year, when we did not get a "family photo" because my brother and his wife were not talking to my mom and left right after the ceremony was over.

It irks me to no end that my mom insists on wanting a family photo when she and my dad are separated and my brother and his wife are frequently at violent odds with her. It's like she thinks it'll fix things, to have a photo that proves we are after all a family. ARGH.

But besides all that - I'm not going to go visit my friends, who are making all kinds of unusual preparations for us - planning all favorite meals, outings, et cetera - and use them as a hotel while I go try to make my mom feel like she's important enough to trump my prior plans. Just because we haven't had a Christmas together in years doesn't mean she can waltz into town and demand my time and attention.

Here's what's kicking me, though. If we didn't have other plans, I would not begrudge my mom and dad some significant time spent with them. I've got pretty good boundaries in place and can actually enjoy them in limited doses. I would be okay with working out something so we can see them, ordinarily. It's just a really poorly-timed visit and I'm not sure what my actual desires are and what is FOG trying to push me around.

[Harri]

Hi claudia!  Well, based on what you wrote here, it does not seem to me like you are in the grip of FOG.  You sound totally reasonable and aware of the issue and what you want.     It sounds like you know what you want to do and I know I would be annoyed with your mother's assumption that you will be able to spend time with her for the Happy Family Photo Opportunity she seems to want.  There seems to be an underlying assumption on her part that you will be able to carve out some time to spend with her.  that would annoy me to no end. 

Here's what's kicking me, though. If we didn't have other plans, I would not begrudge my mom and dad some significant time spent with them. I've got pretty good boundaries in place and can actually enjoy them in limited doses. I would be okay with working out something so we can see them, ordinarily. It's just a really poorly-timed visit and I'm not sure what my actual desires are and what is FOG trying to push me around.

Well, it is an awkward situation regardless of who is involved and the history of the relationship.  As you said, you  would spend time with them but the fact is, your mother's request is too late.  I see nothing wrong with your line of thought.

(BTW... .a very Merry Christmas to you and yours!)

Maybe you can suggest a get together after Christmas? 

[claudiaduffy]

The problem with a get-together after Christmas is that my brother is a new worker at a grocery store and it's not likely he will have the hours off; and also, my parents have jobs they must get back to very soon after Christmas. If I don't see them on Christmas day or the day after it likely won't happen.

DH and I are batting around the idea of getting to town slightly sooner than planned in order to have lunch with them at my sister's house on Christmas Day. Not ideal for us, but perhaps a fairly low-emotional-cost thing that would be a signal to my entire family that I do in fact love them. Even if their visit is inconvenient and awkward.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Claudiaduffy!

Good to hear from you. 

I'm sorry for this stressful place you are in, and the not so lovely feelings this situation is bringing back up. As I read your post, I can see the struggle you feel as to which way to go. Like Harri said, I think you know what you would like to do, but that really is a great thing to focus on. What would YOU like to do? My T often reminds me that I get to make choices now because I am an adult. You can do that too, so step back and think about what you want the most and go for it.

All too well I understand those darn feelings of obligation, the need to be a part of the family when you really may not wish to at that point in time. My uBPDm quite frequently obligated me to be a part of the family. She wouldn't stop with her manipulative demands until I gave in. It's tough stuff.

I think it sounds wonderful to visit with your friends, and be sure to stay in the enjoyment of those moments.

Woolspinner