I don't think I have the strength to support my BPDw any more... kids at home :(

[french toast]

I found this group years ago but have not posted since my BPDw found my account and freaked out.  We've gotten to a place where she is in DBT group once a week and sees a therapist every other week.  We are a blended family, my 19 yo son, her 10 yo daughter, and we made our 6 year old.  I thought things were getting better but in reality the time between rages has increased but their intensity has not.  She says such hurtful things that are just not true and I just don't have the "want" to continue this.

Her rages used to be daily events but recently it's been a once a month thing.  After several hundred of these I finally snapped and feel that I'm ready to leave the relationship.  I'm not worried about custody or court as I have so many recordings of her rages, her threats to harm herself, and one of her even attacking me while I was trying to get the kids to a safe place.  I just want to find a way to minimize the damage to the children.  Is there a way?  She is a master at poisoning the well filling the kids heads with her delusional fantasies.  I tried for so long to support her and our marriage but I'm feeling that I just can't take it any longer. 

I think one of the reasons why her rages are getting so difficult is that she's feeling that her BPD diagnosis was wrong and that her "issues" are from her Hashimoto's thyroid condition.  Either reason doesn't change the fact that she can be triggered by almost anything then she'll paint of picture to the kids about how I'm the reason why her life sucks and why she's miserable all the time.

I'm feeling so misunderstood at this moment as she has raged and fled this relationship so many times only to have me stand by the kids and support them until her return hours later.  Today I'm feeling like I want to run but am very concerned that if I leave her at home with the the kids, it could be construed as me abandoning them which I would never do.  I will never leave my kids and am now feeling like this is going to move into the next phase of: Ready to leave... .

I have read so many stories posted by others and have found great information here, I'm in need of drawing support from the well as I'm feeling a new chapter is about to begin.  I want to do whatever is best for the kids but living life walking on egg shells has gotten so old for me, I'm feeling that a change is in order.

Is there a cure for BPD?  Can anyone give me a good positive story about how therapy and DBT helped?  Can I ever look forward to the day when my BPDw says "Honey, I'm feeling very triggered, it has nothing to do with you, I'm going to put some distance between me and the family for a few hours until I'm not so dysregulated" 

[maxen]

hi lookyloo    your circumstances sound very painful and i'm sorry to read about them.    you sound as patient and devoted as the day is long.

i am not a psychologist. that said,

Can anyone give me a good positive story about how therapy and DBT helped?

 

not a first-hand account (my stbxw's therapist is worse than useless, imo), but i have read the accounts of pwBPD who have gone into DBT therapy, and come out with awareness and some control over their emotional expression. so yes, it can help.

Can I ever look forward to the day when my BPDw says "Honey, I'm feeling very triggered, it has nothing to do with you, I'm going to put some distance between me and the family for a few hours until I'm not so dysregulated"

that would the a wonderful result! have you spoken to her therapist?

how have your children reacted? have they said anything or displayed anything? is your 19 y.o reacting differently from the others? i don't have children but it's often said that they will take their models of how to conduct yourself in a r/s from the example of their parents. i'm also not a lawyer but if you left i'm pretty sure it could be construed as abandonment. you might visit the Family law, divorce and custody board, where experienced posters would be able to address your question.

how about you, lookyloo? do you have support?

[ugghh]

I found this group years ago but have not posted since my BPDw found my account and freaked out.

 Lookyloo, it is reactions like that lead most of us to the leaving board, often with the same feeling of resignation that you have.  Basically, the pwBPD just kind of wears us out.  Ironically, it is this very board that provides a safe haven and a lifeline for many of the nons who have no one else to turn to.

I will echo what Maxen said as it is pretty much always my first recommendation to anyone in dealing with a pwBPD or evaluating the next step - please find an experienced counselor for yourself.  Not a marriage counselor, someone who can help you sort through the options and choices and clear away the clutter and self doubt that often occurs after years of being with a BPD.

Regarding the kids, you will be amazed at just how much they realize that mom's reactions are not normal and they often actually have a sense of relief once removed from crazy making.

[anxiety5]

I'm about to leave my BPDgf too. Sure we aren't married. But this is incredibly impossible and I too am done with it. I have your back in support if you send me a private message. Maybe we can help each other as we are in these same stages.

As far as the kids go, if you can afford to do it, rent an apartment file the paperwork with the kids primary address as that apartment, have your mind made up about this. When you do leave it is imperative for your emotional well being that you are prepared and I would serve papers immediately afterwards as well. Have a network of family who you trust with your life, who you can share your plan with. Let them know you may need them if things get bad. Save that evidence you have. Go talk to an attorney who has defended men before in these similar situations. Go over your options. Role play with the attorney on what he suggests vs what you think her reaction will be. This will keep you in front of the process at all times.

Communication is obviously going to be needed, as no contact is impossible. Keep your conversations transactional. She is a bank teller, you are a customer. Answer a question she may ask, ask her one in return if you need to. Facts are the law will be something she can't ignore. Your best to serve her before she has time to mess with your mind with threats after you leave IF you do serve her. Once faced with those papers she can rant and rave all she wants but the law is in effect and proceedings will move on whether she wants them to or not. That's why you must also be prepared for the 180 she may pull. Keep communications focused on transactions. If she has a question answer it. If it concerns the kids answer it. Nothing else gets a response. In fact save them for use against her as she goes crazy. If you wan them to stop tell her you are saving them and she will go away.

I know the struggle you have. I can't sleep anymore, I hardly eat, Ive alienated myself from friends and family, my work is suffering, she cheated on me, I'm an anxiety ball of stress. The facts are it's STILL so hard for me to let go. Understand that is OUR issue. It's our problem to work on that and also an effect of the abuse you've suffered. What works for me is to try... .as hard as you can. To picture what you envisioned life to be like. To picture what you envisioned a partner to act like. Then allow the totality and enormity of how toxic things are set in when you compare your hopes and dreams to your reality. Ask yourself one question. Right or Wrong, My actions or her actions, fault or no fault. Whatever this is or has become, am I happy? NO. Is there anything left to say? No. Just plenty to do. You are not at fault. You live one time. Staying for the kids is not the answer. Don't worry about her. Get out. Get counseling. Heal. Trust me, you don't have to do ANYTHING. One day your kids without speaking a word, will validate you. They get it. And the longer they live, and the more they experience and have things to compare the fault will lay squarely where it is deserved.

[lifechangingdecision]

Anxiety 5 thank you for the great advice! Ive been married to BPD for 10 yrs and have 2 kids.  I know I need to leave for my kids well being and emotional stability as well as my own but for the love of god I cant get my foot out the door. It drives me insane. I love him, I feel bad for him but I am miserable.  I lost myself. I feel like for the past couple years I just exist. Why cant I find the strength to leave! That is why I joined this site.  LookyLoo I wish you the best of luck and I hope you find the strength in yourself to make these very tough and painful decisions! If you ever want to talk or vent pm me anytime. Hugs to you :-)

[french toast]

Thanks for the support.  I'll write more soon.

[maxen]

good to see you back lookyloo, i look forward to it!

[french toast]

Thank you.  Today during her "emotional hijacking"  I took a completely different approach.  I said nothing.  I took no bait.  I didn't attempt to validate or rationalize, or be logical, nothing.  I just remained silent.  It really set her off, but then she just went into the bedroom, took a nap, and when she woke up she pretended that nothing ever happened.  At least she did it when the kids where at school so they saw none of it.  

Her 2nd 10-week DBT group just ended and I'm fearing the worst if she doesn't have an outlet.  I wrote to her therapist to see if there's a Family Support group I can go to locally.  Best I can figure is that I'm developing some sort of PTSD as I'm so on edge that I'll say or do something to as she would put it "set her off".  I'm hurting so bad and I want desperately to speak with her about it but anytime I bring up anything close she finds 10 things about me she doesn't like and fixates on them.  Irony is that I might be guilty of maybe 1 minor thing on her list and the other 9 are her ex-husband or her father.

I'll certainly handle my own baggage but being blamed for the trauma that someone else caused her so many years ago is just getting old real quick.

Thanks for listening.  I'll try to find my way back here more often.

[maxen]

I want desperately to speak with her about it but anytime I bring up anything close she finds 10 things about me she doesn't like and fixates on them.

unfortunately this was my experience exactly (and intensely). i think it stems from the rejection sensitivity: anything that sounds like a judgement will be parried with you-too arguments or any other means at hand. i know it can be frustrating because real communication can't happen in that environment.

it sounds like your new approach worked better, at least this once. staying detached is a skill that takes practice (or at least it has been for me). have you looked into Al-anon groups in your area?