I'm a ticking time bomb.

[Sandman1881]

If I wasn't so injured by my uBPD/uNPDexgf, it may be easier for me to put this into the right words. But then again if I were not going through this living ___ing hell I'm in right now I likely would have continued to fool myself even longer. If I mirror her what do I see?  Someone just as ___ing sick as she is. If not sicker!

I'm tired of fooling myself, and everyone else for that matter. I'm at least 50% culpable. And the very last thing I should be doing is looking into her backyard. Because the very last thing I'm likely to be avoiding is my own mental illness and substance misuse. My eyes are starting to open thanks to my most recent replacement.

My mother is awfully uBPD herself. I've blocked a tremendous amount but can vaguely remember the insane fits of rage, the trinity of abuse including neglect, and being ignored among other even more atrocious failures on her part as such a loving mother.  Mom? Mom? MOM! Have another xanax why don't you. My father apparently got what was coming to him but that's a story for another day. Let's just say he,  and my brother, we're both physically abusive and both major narcissists and complete asss. My brother still is and my father... .I have some compassion and empathy for his plight in life but at this time I can't say much more about him.

I, on the other hand, am the problem I have. The problem I have is me. I'm the product of (think Silence of the Lambs) of these two mentally twisted individuals and, because my injury today is so substantial,  I'm at a crossroads between getting the help I need to manage (think A Beautiful Mind) my CoCoMorbidity, and either continuing down this wide road to my ultimate demise (jails, institutions, and death), or I can simply eat a bullet and check out when I see no true hope left. I'm nearly there guys and girls. And I'm not gonna blame it on my former [SO], or my institution-worthy family or absent and quite fake "friends." Don't get me wrong, I have a few keepers, and I also have kids. They all love me to some degree or another. BUT, the next few steps I take couldn't be more important. These steps WILL determine the future of course my life.

Truth - I'm highly addicted to Women, Nicotine, Adderall, Marijuana, Pornography and I use Àlcohol recreationaly. In that order. I'm no douby uBPD/uNPD comorbid.

I have very little will, especially after my most recent abandonmentioned, to wanna keep on keepin on.

mirror is shattered for me. No way I'm making 7 more years bad luck. Something has to give and I have no idea where to turn. No privilege here people. There's a mountain range of problems to deal with my uBPDexgf to say the least and I'm waking up to these facts that just cannot be ignored for too much longer.

Got any tips for a brother?  Besides AA, NA, CODA, T&A, or the like? I'm facing this 100% on my own at this point am that's simply not gonna work. Can any of you folks relate?

Jesus Christ all that ___ing cheating make me want to... .it makes me want to medicate.

Thanks.

[Xidion]

First and foremost... you're going to be okay, man. It's good you've come to the point that you know you need to work on yourself. That's the first step. There's only 1 way to overcome something, and that's to want to do it. There's a whole life to live full of happiness, you just have to set boundaries with yourself and never test or break those boundaries. My first advice would be to take one thing at a time. Your addictions and become something you don't think twice about with enough time and effort. It's like detoxing. It just takes time and persistence. I myself am pretty co-dependant and addicted to porn as well. We all have faults... you arent the only one. Remember this... YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You can't change the past, but you can prepare the future. Set goals. meet those goals. We will be here to help you along the way.

[Infern0]

At least you can self reflect,  that's something.

I dunno man,  I have all sorts of issues myself.

Potential APD,  codepency,  people pleaser syndrome.

Like you I grew up in a ___ing madhouse.  I hate my parents for the way they raised me, I feel like some sort of useless mutant.

I am getting therapy from the spartanlifecoach next year so I hope he can help me he seems pretty cool

[Chasing_Ghosts]

If I wasn't so injured by my uBPD/uNPDexgf, it may be easier for me to put this into the right words. But then again if I were not going through this livinging hell I'm in right now I likely would have continued to fool myself even longer. If I mirror her what do I see?  Someone just asing sick as she is. If not sicker!

I'm tired of fooling myself, and everyone else for that matter. I'm at least 50% culpable. And the very last thing I should be doing is looking into her backyard. Because the very last thing I'm likely to be avoiding is my own mental illness and substance misuse. My eyes are starting to open thanks to my most recent replacement.

My mother is awfully uBPD herself. I've blocked a tremendous amount but can vaguely remember the insane fits of rage, the trinity of abuse including neglect, and being ignored among other even more atrocious failures on her part as such a loving mother.  Mom? Mom? MOM! Have another xanax why don't you. My father apparently got what was coming to him but that's a story for another day. Let's just say he,  and my brother, we're both physically abusive and both major narcissists and complete asss. My brother still is and my father... .I have some compassion and empathy for his plight in life but at this time I can't say much more about him.

I, on the other hand, am the problem I have. The problem I have is me. I'm the product of (think Silence of the Lambs) of these two mentally twisted individuals and, because my injury today is so substantial,  I'm at a crossroads between getting the help I need to manage (think A Beautiful Mind) my CoCoMorbidity, and either continuing down this wide road to my ultimate demise (jails, institutions, and death), or I can simply eat a bullet and check out when I see no true hope left. I'm nearly there guys and girls. And I'm not gonna blame it on my former [SO], or my institution-worthy family or absent and quite fake "friends." Don't get me wrong, I have a few keepers, and I also have kids. They all love me to some degree or another. BUT, the next few steps I take couldn't be more important. These steps WILL determine the future of course my life.

Truth - I'm highly addicted to Women, Nicotine, Adderall, Marijuana, Pornography and I use Àlcohol recreationaly. In that order. I'm no douby uBPD/uNPD comorbid.

I have very little will, especially after my most recent abandonmentioned, to wanna keep on keepin on.

mirror is shattered for me. No way I'm making 7 more years bad luck. Something has to give and I have no idea where to turn. No privilege here people. There's a mountain range of problems to deal with my uBPDexgf to say the least and I'm waking up to these facts that just cannot be ignored for too much longer.

Got any tips for a brother?  Besides AA, NA, CODA, T&A, or the like? I'm facing this 100% on my own at this point am that's simply not gonna work. Can any of you folks relate?

Jesus Christ all thating cheating make me want to... .it makes me want to medicate.

Thanks.

Hey  Sandman,

Your post resonates in my innermost being as i too am an dNPD with comorbid BPD and possibly SPD. I too was raised by a waif/hermit uBPD comorbid HPD and NPD mother. Shes helpled make me the scapegoat for all of our families mental health issues to get attention from everyone else/be the victim/martyr (bad boy) but also her ___ing therapist/confidant to get attention from me (good boy) since i was a boy. Shes in horrible denial of her illness even though my uBPDexgf also of the waif/hermit variety comorbid with HPD and NPD lived with us for almost 14 months and with those two its like looking into a god*mn mirror. It truly horrifies me to think that i attracted that which i loathe. The worst of it all is they would both try to push pull me and turn me against one another. It was a constant nightmare to which bonds to both became my bondage. I became that little boy again except instead of trying to please one mommy dearest i had to please both and my therapeutic consoling went into overdrive dealing with them both. Throughout those 14 months i was the worst ive ever been in terms of being triggered and constant anxiety/depression in my whole life. The rage that came out of me from all this game playing truly made the man make a beast out of himself just to get rid of all this constant pain. I had so many psychotic breaks in those 14 months. I disassociated a vast majority of the time as well. This was all on top of me finally sobering up(used marijuana daily, drank alot, and my BIG hang up was psychedelics) and quitting smoking. And tbh i did slip up a few times but im surprised i didnt get worse. But for me it was like the only thing i could control in my life anymore if that makes sense. I got to the point that drugs and alcohol made me feel more out of control by this point so staying sober gave me something to hold onto. This idea was further enforced watching my exBPDgf drink and smoke her life away. She couldnt go and do anything without being high especially. She got on benzo binge too when we were dating because she lied to the psych my mom sent her to. (didnt tell him she was an ex heroin addict) So naturally i started to associate my drug habits with her impulsive recklessness and avowed myself to NEVER be like her. Of course wed always get into to fights and shed be like why cant you just be mellow after shes all ___ed up and im like cuz i dont live my life high everyday anymore like you. try living one day sober... anyways so by then my addiction to porn got so much worse. before i could names on our diagnoses i knew shed use sex for control.(NPD inhibition) so towards the middle of our relationship i stopped having sex with her as often. Id take care of my own needs. Naturally she sniffed that out quick and caught me which resulted in me no longer having a phone and she had to monitor my computer usage. But yet it was ok for her to have her phone only talking to guy friends cheating on me emotionally and physically and getting sent naked pics from guys. ANyways you can see where this hell was going and naturally it got worse until my crazy mother kicked my crazy gf out in an all out battle of the crazies. Oh yeah my favorite highlight was my mom and my ex buddy buddying and getting her to break up with me cuz my mom told her to which naturally made me go off... and resulted in me getting sent away in handcuffs and slapped with a bogus dv. To make it even more wonderful my mother manipulated my ex and my ex manipulated my mother i guess. My mothers goal was to get her to break up with me to get me mad and sent to jail to "teach me a lesson." My ex my mother as an excuse to break up with me knowing this would happen and used the opportunity to ___ the guy id told her she couldnt hang out with! ISNT THAT JUST F*CKING WONDERFUL! Even better to this day each blames the other. More about my family though i can relate to as well is that my dads a uNPD who used to be abusive towards me when my mother would trigger him or me and then just egg it all on which resulted in a black eye and broken rib once. My brothers an HPD closet homosexual who now my mother uses this as a scapegoat instead of mental illness to ensue similair drama between him and my father. Although my father never gets as physical with my brother in his old age. Then through the whole stress trigger of my gf living withus towards the end i think through her night terrors of being raped by her father and cousins i discovered my core trauma. Which is my sociopathic grandfather raped me as a child while doing all sorts of horrible occultic ritualistic ceremonies to control me through my trauma(his father was a red hood on the kkk). So yeah after learning all this and experiencing all this with my ex in the last 2 years i can say im pretty royally messed up. And it seems like everyday i new layer of trauma is revealed whether from my ex or my past that makes me feel more ___ed. On top of the fact that me and my ex share this ___ed up bond where i can literally feel her pain as well due to various different things i wont get into. I do understand being a dark place Sandman trust me and looking in the mirror everyday and reliving all this is really wearing me out. This site and therapy is about the only thing keeping me together. But i can definitely say with the holidays which are a trigger for me for various reasons its horrible right now but there are those moments i guess i feel ok. I ended up drinking for the first time in over a year and a half the other night. Drank a whole 30z of whiskey to myself in an hour and ended up with alcohol poisoning to which i luckily took care of myself and was fine after drinking alot of water. But yeah i can understand that urge to medicate. Its a constant daily struggle.

My advice get into some therapy itll be at least an anchor in these treacherous waters your sailing.

Hang in there mate.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

At least you can self reflect,  that's something.

Like you I grew up in a ___ing madhouse.  I hate my parents for the way they raised me, I feel like some sort of useless mutant.

Yep 100% feel this. Especially the useless mutant part Infern0.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I thought this said "tickling time bomb". Anyways, I totally relate to your issues and sense of hopelessness. Who knows what some of us have? We might temporarily seem like we have personality disorders because we we're so damaged by these relationships. But who knows for sure really? I don't think it really matters. You need help, that's all that matters.

Besides therapy, I suggest being proactive about doing positive things for yourself. Even if it's taking a bath, relaxing and looking at a sunset, crying, listening to music, watching a movie, journaling. Telling yourself you're a good person despite your flaws. You really seem hard on yourself. Most of us here have a ton of shame and are way too hard on ourselves. Both are pretty useless. You can't hate yourself into being a "good person". You have to love yourself into one, and the truth is, our inner child is always beautiful and good, it's all the crap on top that can be bad.

I hope you feel better, I'm glad you had the courage to come clean with yourself and to us. That's a big step, good job.

[Sandman1881]

If I wasn't so injured by my uBPD/uNPDexgf, it may be easier for me to put this into the right words. But then again if I were not going through this livinging hell I'm in right now I likely would have continued to fool myself even longer. If I mirror her what do I see?  Someone just asing sick as she is. If not sicker!

I'm tired of fooling myself, and everyone else for that matter. I'm at least 50% culpable. And the very last thing I should be doing is looking into her backyard. Because the very last thing I'm likely to be avoiding is my own mental illness and substance misuse. My eyes are starting to open thanks to my most recent replacement.

My mother is awfully uBPD herself. I've blocked a tremendous amount but can vaguely remember the insane fits of rage, the trinity of abuse including neglect, and being ignored among other even more atrocious failures on her part as such a loving mother.  Mom? Mom? MOM! Have another xanax why don't you. My father apparently got what was coming to him but that's a story for another day. Let's just say he,  and my brother, we're both physically abusive and both major narcissists and complete asss. My brother still is and my father... .I have some compassion and empathy for his plight in life but at this time I can't say much more about him.

I, on the other hand, am the problem I have. The problem I have is me. I'm the product of (think Silence of the Lambs) of these two mentally twisted individuals and, because my injury today is so substantial,  I'm at a crossroads between getting the help I need to manage (think A Beautiful Mind) my CoCoMorbidity, and either continuing down this wide road to my ultimate demise (jails, institutions, and death), or I can simply eat a bullet and check out when I see no true hope left. I'm nearly there guys and girls. And I'm not gonna blame it on my former [SO], or my institution-worthy family or absent and quite fake "friends." Don't get me wrong, I have a few keepers, and I also have kids. They all love me to some degree or another. BUT, the next few steps I take couldn't be more important. These steps WILL determine the future of course my life.

Truth - I'm highly addicted to Women, Nicotine, Adderall, Marijuana, Pornography and I use Àlcohol recreationaly. In that order. I'm no douby uBPD/uNPD comorbid.

I have very little will, especially after my most recent abandonmentioned, to wanna keep on keepin on.

mirror is shattered for me. No way I'm making 7 more years bad luck. Something has to give and I have no idea where to turn. No privilege here people. There's a mountain range of problems to deal with my uBPDexgf to say the least and I'm waking up to these facts that just cannot be ignored for too much longer.

Got any tips for a brother?  Besides AA, NA, CODA, T&A, or the like? I'm facing this 100% on my own at this point am that's simply not gonna work. Can any of you folks relate?

Jesus Christ all thating cheating make me want to... .it makes me want to medicate.

Thanks.

Update:

I kicked nicotine on Friday cold. The withdrawal from her is the only one I notice. The pot is next.

I attempted suicide last night. I was feeling no pain and veered my car out of the left lane towards uneven pavement and towards a light pole. The wheel caught the pavement edge and the car spun out of control and back on highway and across all three lanes. Somehow I didn't hit anyone or anything and was able to just drive away. I have intake tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. My attachment addiction is such a part of who I am that I will literally need to relearn living. I'm just so sad and hurt and still scared. I had to box/shelf my feelings for a year so as not to disturb the Queen... .I started to become like that. Cold and heartless. And, having been dropped on my head with the "death blow", the tears that need to come out are being blocked by my though of her calling me weak because I have human emotions. This is just so ___ed up. I feel like I have ice in my veins. I'm so cold. "You are weak, and I am strong"... .WHO IN THE HELL SAYS THAT?

No! Y

[Waifed]

Sandman

You are currently at a crossroads in your life with little to no support. You have choices to make and frankly you are in no condition to make rational decisions. I do not suffer from addictions and to my knowledge have no PD's and at the end of my relationship I wanted it all to end. My life that is. I hit rock bottom and was in pain and desperate and was carrying all of her BPD traits from being involved with her for 3 years. I was fortunate enough to have someone to that set me up with a psych. It literally saved my life. You have no choice but to seek professional help. No choice. I beg you to seek out help. You are heavily depressed which is normal after what you have experienced.

I sit here 15 months after wanting it all to end. I am a new person. Depression can be totally controlled and you have to do whatever it takes to get help. You can do this. We can all do it but it takes a lot of work and dedication. It is worth it. You only get one life and although you don't cherish it right now there will come a time once again where you will. We are all here to support you.

[Panda39]

 

I attempted suicide last night.

Sandman,

I care.

You matter.

This makes me sad.

Seek help... .find a therapist.

I know facing the things you are is hard but I have seen the caring guy that you are.  I have seen you support others both because of and in spite of your own issues.  Your voice and your experiences really matter to me and to many others here.  Please accept the support of all of us.  With help I believe you can take on your issues, learn, and grow just like so many others here.

Take Care of yourself... .I mean it!   

[evilpepsi]

whats working for me is pushing my body extremely hard in the gym. it will distract your mind, and you will feel some calm and peace afterwards. its very relaxing to hear that iron clang against itself and push myself to the point of breaking.

it will help you channel some of this aggression as well. it wont fix you completely, but its better than nothing... .

[Sandman1881]

Thank you for your kind words and support. I have an appointment tomorrow morning and we'll see what happens then.

[Sandman1881]

I meet with the intake therapist today and what a relief I feel already. This is exactly what I need right now. I am scheduled to meet with her (I asked if she could be my therapist and she agreed) weekly for the next month and know this will be a huge help. We clicked right away and that means more to me than anything. I've allowed some of the pressure to be released and I have to admit that it feels really good. When I mentioned my BPDexgf and began to explain, she asked it she was high-functioning and I felt even more relieved. She said I should have been treated for Trauma and not Bipolar (of which I am not). I'm going to ask her more (next time) about her experience with PD's. But I want to remember these sessions are about me. While there will be discussions about my ex, I want to keep the focus on me. I'm there for myself. I'm there to stop my behavior. Who, what, where, when, or why my former is doing, can no longer be any of my concern. But I do need to be much better prepared emotionally if an email comes through, or if she lands at my door step. Or even if it only when I see her face in court. I'm on a 180 degree mission to reclaim my power and self.


I felt emotionally "safe" as I spoke... .the exact opposite of how my BPDexgf made me feel.

Again thank you for your support and kind words during my time of need. 


 

[Panda39]

I meet with the intake therapist today and what a relief I feel already. This is exactly what I need right now. I am scheduled to meet with her (I asked if she could be my therapist and she agreed) weekly for the next month and know this will be a huge help. We clicked right away and that means more to me than anything. I've allowed some of the pressure to be released and I have to admit that it feels really good. When I mentioned my BPDexgf and began to explain, she asked it she was high-functioning and I felt even more relieved. She said I should have been treated for Trauma and not Bipolar (of which I am not). I'm going to ask her more (next time) about her experience with PD's. But I want to remember these sessions are about me. While there will be discussions about my ex, I want to keep the focus on me. I'm there for myself. I'm there to stop my behavior. Who, what, where, when, or why my former is doing, can no longer be any of my concern. But I do need to be much better prepared emotionally if an email comes through, or if she lands at my door step. Or even if it only when I see her face in court. I'm on a 180 degree mission to reclaim my power and self.


I felt emotionally "safe" as I spoke... .the exact opposite of how my BPDexgf made me feel.

Again thank you for your support and kind words during my time of need. 

 

Excellent    I am so happy to hear things went well and you felt a good connection with the therapist.  This is the first step of many down a healing path. 

Wishing you well on your journey