Taking responsibilty and backed into a corner

[breathelater]

My Bpdh and my diagnosed BPD brother in law have backed me into a corner

My husband has fallen into a deep depression in the last three days... .his brother has not reached out to him to get together for the holidays and his 21yr old son has declined to visit us from out of town.  Our Christmas' have always been light and happy, surrounded by my children, my step children and his brother.

This year, it has all changed.  His brother has crossed the line too many times with me and with my husband.  The last transgression was really bad... .he brought an ex friend  of mine over to our house as a date to a party we had.  I flipped flopped in saying yes she can come and no she cannot; only to say yes after he said that he would not come if he wasn't allowed to bring her.  They came, she made disparreging remarks about me at my party to a common friend at the party and proceeded to divulge how she and my brother in law had fun coming up with things they would do once they arrived.  I told my husband, he asked his brother if it was true... .brother did not deny it...   Then, Thanksgiving, my husband invites my brother in law, he declines stating that he was uncomfortable around me. 

Fast forward to last night, my husband rages at the dogs, throws things around and when I ask him what we are to do on Christmas and if he invited his brother over, he states that he is not going to invite him over because I don't like him and that it is my fault that his relationship with his brother has deteriorated.  That his brother will not come because he is not welcomed by me.  I'm lost... .hurt and confused. Over the last month or so, I've decided to not allow his brother to cross any more lines with me by not allowing myself to be put in any more conversations with him that would produce an attack from him.

My husband accused me of not taking responsiblity for the situation,stating that I am holding grudges. In teh last 3 days, he has been distant, short tempered and unwilling to discuss the holiday plans.  Now... .I am at a loss, I feel that he resents my saying "your brother cannot abuse me anymore" and has painted me black. 

The irony is that I would do anything to bring his brother to our house, be merry and jolly and forgive the past trangressions over the last 9 years.  The only thing that I will not do is allow his brother to berate me and will keep my distance... .

What I've concluded is that his brother feels shame for what he did and is uncomfortable around me... .and both are twisting it like I am the one at fault.

How do I deal with this?  Or how do I make this situation better... .I feel like I a, like many times before, being bullied by two BPDs.  How do I proceed?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Crumbling]

Hi, B.  What a rock and a hard place.  You've recently set a boundary, and that's a great thing, regardless of how he sees things.  This has rocked his boat, so his natural tendency would be to fight it, not 'allow' it to happen.  Even if it means lashing out at you.   :'(  That's why it needs to be a strong, concrete boundary. 

You have a right to be in a safe place.  Period.