Ashamed Don't want to help my dying mother

[xanderess]

I am torn apart , My uBPD mother lives alone in the country with chickens and a house full of cats . I have moved on and off that property for the past 20 years of my life . I have been gone now for 4 months . This time its different because I now know she has BPD . I know she will never change, so I plan on never going back. However My mother also has Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. She complains that the airplanes in the sky are making her sick. I have not talked to her in 4 months , now she called me and told me she is real sick . She has lost tons of weight she might be 98 lbs . I asked her whats wrong she said no energy or will to eat .OK but here is the thing , she can not go to a hospital or a doctors office because of the chemicals .So my 17 yr old daughter took off work to stay with her a few days  (feed animals and grandma) My daughter came home 3 days later says grandma is loosing it ! I have other children at home I take care of. I do not know what to do . I am so phobic of my mother that I am so scared to even call her to ask if she is ok today. I do not think I can go take care of her . She abused me so much that I am scared to even hear her voice. I cant just let her die !

[sisterofbpd]

Hi Xanderess,

I'm sorry you're going through this   

However My mother also has Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. She complains that the airplanes in the sky are making her sick.

Was she actually diagnosed with this by a doctor, or is this something she thinks she has?

I have not talked to her in 4 months , now she called me and told me she is real sick . She has lost tons of weight she might be 98 lbs . I asked her whats wrong she said no energy or will to eat .

Many times other mental illness coexist with BPD.  My sister has BPD and Schizoaffective disorder.  Before she was diagnosed, when she really started to lose it she dropped like 50lbs in a matter of months.  She also wasn't sleeping.  When she was on meds she gained the weight back.  This summer I noticed she was losing the weight again and had a feeling that maybe she went off her meds.  She did.  I'm wondering if this is maybe more than BPD here?

OK but here is the thing , she can not go to a hospital or a doctors office because of the chemicals .

This is also a    to me.  Before we knew the diagnosis for my BPDsis she insisted she had this sickness that the doctors (like 5 of them) said didn't exist.  Since then she mistrusts all doctors.  Sorry if I'm comparing too much, but this sounds very familiar to me.

I am so phobic of my mother that I am so scared to even call her to ask if she is ok today. I do not think I can go take care of her . She abused me so much that I am scared to even hear her voice. I cant just let her die !

I can totally understand why you feel so conflicted and it's no fun at all 

[maxen]

hi xanderess. i too am sorry to hear you're in these straits. my own situation was that i was the son of a mother who was relentlessly degrading to me my entire life. she had paranoia, not BPD. she of course lived to be 101 almost, so i got the full measure of her viciousness, and i was the only child, so i couldn't just walk away. i was in this very ambivalent situation too:

She abused me so much that I am scared to even hear her voice. I cant just let her die !

towards the end i cut contact with her as far as possible, which wasn't easy, both for emotional reasons and for practical ones. but i got excellent support for my decision, and that helped, and i haven't regretted it. so first, do you have anyone to talk this out with, a therapist or clergy perhaps? you can call her local hospital for information on their services, even to see if anyone would make a housecall (this sort of service is coming back, for the elderly). could you visit her, but bring others along?

can you accept that it's perfectly okay to feel conflicted about your mother? and can you accept that your mother has, disability or otherwise, brought herself to this point and that she must take some responsibility for her situation?

i'm sorry for all the questions but as i say i recently went through my mother's passing so the experience is still fresh in my mind. what could be your first step?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi xanderess,

I'm also sorry that you're going through this.   It sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

sisterofBPD and maxen have asked some good questions, and I'm curious to know your answers too. I agree that you have to acknowledge how you feel and start from there. It might be worth calling a hospital or medical professional to discuss some options that work with her disorder, so at least you'll have some information, should you choose to be involved with your mother's care. At the very least, you'll gain some understanding.

Let us know how you're doing... .no matter what you decide, we're here for you.