The hell that comes after the break up - my story

[CloseToFreedom]

Hi, I'm a guy from The Netherlands and i've been reading this board regiliously the past couple of weeks and I thought it was time to share my story. I need to get it off my chest and hope to find some comfort in the replies here. Sorry in advance if my English isn't always that good.

I came out of a long relationship four years ago with my childhood love. Been with her for 9 years but she kept cheating and I kept coming back. We even lived together for a year. Did a real number on me. After half a year of partying to forget the pain, I met this young girl (18, I was 26) who I was drawn to. Couldnt really tell you why I was drawn to her, as she's not particular pretty (although by now I cant imagine a hotter person in the world, of course). After talking a few nights in the pub and even at my home, she dumped her current boyfriend and we got together in a few days.

She was the answer to all my feelings of emptiness. She wanted to be with me as much as possible, I had a week off from work and she came by every day. She was interested in everything I talkes about and seemed to look up to me. Her father left her mother when she was a child and went on to start a new family on the other side of the world. She would often talk about it, and I would often talk about the pain of my previous relationship. I showed her my favorite movies and series and she loved it all.

The first red flag was at the end of that week. I mentioned i needed a day for myself as I wasnt used to being around someone so much anymore. She started freaking out, arguing and eventually crying. I felt extremely unconfortable about this. Actually about the entire week. I couldnt pinpoint it but that week had drained my energy close to zero. At the end of the week I chose to break it off, because I couldnt see myself managing this for years.

This is when she became obsessive. She would call, text, come to my door in the middle of the night and ring the bell. I felt flattered and took her back.

Enter four years of pushing and pulling. We had countless arguments, often almost every day, about nothing at all. We broke up close to 10 times. The first few times she always came back to try again, but after two years there was a breaking point. While I would be happy if she left me because It gave me some breathing room, after a few days I started missing her and feeling this emptiness, like I was craving for some sort of drugs, with the drugs being her. She didnt want nothing to do with me anymore and I fell into a burn out. I was at home for a month, only out of bed for six hours a day, smoking and just staring at nothing. I almost lost my job. Each time i tried to make contact she was very cold and mean, claiming everything was my fault. After a month or 1,5 I started to feel a bit better, i even planned a date with someone else. She found out and contacted me immediately, sending text messages and callig me while on the date. Again, I was flattered and after the data I tried to get her back. Ai had to work for a month to get her back, promising to behave better and she withholding sex because she wasnt ready for it. Eventually it worked. In the upcoming years I often bought her expensive jewelry and trips to try and capture the happiness we once felt, because when she received something she was much happier.

A year ago I bought a house and we started living together. I couldnt have been happier. But it was a year from hell. Everything I did was wrong, each time I got home there was something she'd nag about. She rarely seemed happy, she rarely came to me out of her own to cuddle. I had to wear certain clothes, stop doing certain things, she complained I worked too much and that I went to the gym to work on myself. I felt each and every thing i did was under a magnifying glass and it wore me out so much, I felt like I was losing my identity and my sanity. I have to be honest, i started to focus too much on work and the gym, simply because spending time with her wasnt fun at all.

A month ago I couldnt keep going anymore, the arguments about any small thing making me crazy. I felt no love. When I was sick she would argue, when I had to cry she hated me and told me I wasnt a man. A 22 year old girl being the boss over a 30 year old man, in his own home no less. A home that was mine but that she had total control over, she didnt even pay a lot each month, if I even would suggest that she would start paying more there was a big argument. While she bought new clothes almost every day. After some arguments when Inwas cooling off outside my entire body was psychically shaking with no reason at all.

We tried so hard but I couldnt handle it. I told her to leave. She instantly got her own appartment and furniture and has been gone for close to a month now. First few days felt like a relieve but of course after that the longing for her grew, almost becoming an obsession. I tried to contact her a few times but she would ignore it, even claiming she would block me on her phone if I would try it again. Its like there is no closure with these people, youre either the best on the world or total dirt that they hate. I know I shouldnt want her back but being without her hurts so incredibly much.

Im trying to move on but its hard. She seems to have no problem with anythning but everything I do, from getting out of bed to working, takes so much energy from me. Especially with the holidays coming up its very difficuly. And of course I often wonder if it was me or her, was I the twisted one that was pushing and pulling? Were we both crazy? Is she glad to be rid of me? Will I ever find someone else that gives me that feeling I had at the beginning or during our honeymoon phases after breaking up and reconciling?

Im trying to move on, as I typ this Im on my way to a date. But the idea of being with someone else is making me sick. Im just going to try to have a good time.

Thank you all for reading. This is the hardest thing Ive ever been trough, even if my parents tell me she was a terrible person and that they are glad I got away before there were kids involved.

[Hawk Ridge]

It's been almost 9 months out for me.   You wrote my story as have many people on these boards.  The detoxification process you describe is spot on.   I have had to work on accepting ... .so much: that she wasn't who I thought she was, that I can't love her enough to make her better, that she has someone else and even though I believe she will crucify that person the way she did me, I have been replaced, that I have to forgive her, the replacement, and mostly myself, that I have to accept I went through the same painful grieving process you are.  I still do.   It comes in waves.  These boards help but because they provide the validation and understanding I won't get from her or my family and friends as they didn't go through what we did.  Having said that, those that have possess a keen understanding of the tender pain.  If I could encourage you to do one thing, TALK... .not just to a T, not just at alanon, but also to those around you.  It's surprising how many of us came out of an emotionally abusive relationship.  We can spread the knowledge and understanding we gleaned from these boards to others.  It's Christmas... .in trying to make it through this season, it is a little easier if it is through giving... .trying to share understanding to the best of our abilities is one way we can give.   That said, right now, give to yourself - compassion, self-love, patience, and understanding.  Stay with us here as we get better... .and we will.

[NonAverageJoe]

I went through this crap for two and a half years and when I tried to be a good man she tried to make me a doormat. I didn't stand for it and neither did you. Good job. It might be too soon to date though.

[CloseToFreedom]

Does anyone else recognise the fear of being the BPD in the relationship though? She's a nurse / works with mentally ill and she sometimes said in arguments I behaved like a BPD. Also, I also pushed and pulled, simply because she was driving me crazy often and I felt like my entire being was undermined. I wanted to stand up for myself. Of course that always did more harm.

Man, the ___ she put me through. She said she wanted to feel like a princess, i even got her a crown with jewels to wear (which she never wore after a day or so). She said she wanted a man that could stand up against her but if I tried I just got into trouble. She said I never listened and that she couldnt communicate her problems with me, but i often tried to listen and give advice. I only refused to help her when her problems came out in a way that she was negative towards me, aka most of the time.

She threw a beer bottle against me, pushed me, she threatened to kill herself when I wanted to go out with mates, when on holiday I had to get drinks or clean towels ALL the time, or else there wouldnt be towels or drinks. I asked her once to get clean towels and she did but was angry afterwarts. I asked if she could please be happy, its a holiday, her advice was to leave her alone for a while, she had to cope with the fact that she had to get towels. She once wanted to get a table for outside the house, i said i wanted to do it another time instead of a sunday, and she was angry about that. Only when I finally gave her her way she was happy again, actually cuddling and being all lovey dovey. She was always lovey dovey when I got her something, but it didnt last long.

I cleaned the house each week but she always said it wasnt good enough. Often when i offered to clean the house she got angry, i should do it at another time when it suit her more (when she wasnt around). I couldnt believe it, i am offering to clean the house and she gets angry? When we were seperated and I was done begging over and over if we could get back together, she would freak out if I was dating someone else and she would hang it above my head for months when we got back together. Never mind the fact that she also dated others! I confronted her with this, and she claimed that she would decide herself when she would get over it.

When I was sick she hated me, when i cried i wasnt man enough. After the beginning she would complain i only used her for sex, when we had less sex later on she complained we werent intimate enough. But when i wanted to try and have sex she didnt feel like it! I always had to take the initiative, she said she wasnt able to take the initiative for sex. She always complained about not enough forplay, i had to kiss and pet her for ages before she was ready. Except in honeymoon stagea, she couls have sex instantly and really let me feel appreciated, she yelled during sex to make her mine.

I could go on and on. Hopefully ill get over her. Im in NC because she wants that, but i just want her to make contact so i can be the strong one and tell her to ___ off.