How to deal with my own anger

[caughtnreleased]

A couple years ago, I became aware of how much anger I had inside of me after attending a 10 day meditation retreat.  With a few minor exceptions I spent those ten days stewing with anger.  So many thoughts went through my head, mostly about my childhood, and my (uBPD) mother and all the injustices I felt I had experienced.  That was the first time I actually was able to look at myself and understand I was filled with anger.

So I understand that I have quite a bit of anger inside me.  My next step is how to deal with it appropriately.  Whenever I do express it, I feel like I am close to losing control... .and the loss of control for me has generally been that I simply end up bursting into tears, or being frightenned of my losing control.  As a result I have difficulty expressing my anger, because the last thing I want to do is start crying at work or whatever. I was robbed in my apartment last year, and the landlord's repair man bullied me because he wanted to do the minimum repairs.  I pushed back, but then I ended up bursting into tears and spent the entire day crying.  I was embarrassed to cry in front of that ass.

As a result I try hard to stay in control.  But it seems that I also have a tendency of provoking people.  In the past two months, I have had two friends basically lose it with me... .and they end up being unable to stop themselves from hurling hurtful or very aggressive words designed to provoke me to the max.  My reaction was to block both of them out.   

Anyway, I would really appreciate some advice on what to do about anger... .how to manage it so it doesn't get to a point where I either 1) lose control and burst into tears or run away; or 2) provoke people to the point where they explode.

Conflict resolution is not something that I was taught to do in my household. It mostly consisted of maximum explosions of rage (mother having a meltdown, father punching holes in walls, sister breaking down doors, me shouting and screaming to the point of losing my voice... that was not routine, but each of these happenned at some point or another)... .and then it stops and you just go back to your regular routine.  No talking about ANYTHING! NOTHING!  I actually remember a time later on in my life asking my father why he had punched holes in the walls. He responded the house was of bad quality... .so it was easy to do.     ummmm... .what?

I feel like I need to figure out a way to no longer be afraid of my own anger.  But I'm not exactly sure how to go about being able to properly assert myself when needed, without being terrified of being overcome.

[claudiaduffy]

I don't have much solid advice on this, but I have been right there with you on the horrible feelings that happen when I try to express anger wisely and well. Merely trying to tell a roommate that it was unacceptable for her to leave the kitchen a wreck from a dinner party when she left for a weeklong work trip - I wasn't even trying to make her feel badly, just trying to get across that it was a lame thing to do and I expected her not to do it again - made ME burst into tears and storm out of the room. And I wasn't even that angry at her - in that moment I didn't feel that angry - I just felt out of control making a somewhat unpleasant assertion of my needs in our normally peaceable and good relationship.

Ugh.

What ended up helping me was just a lot of my roommates and friends being patient with me (seriously, I owe them on this), and forcing myself to have those minor confrontations instead of just being a doormat. Several times I had to tell a friend "I know I'm acting like this is the end of the world and I'm super-angry, but I want you to know that even though my body is acting that way, my brain actually doesn't think that way. This is actually only a minor issue with me so don't take my tears as an indicator of anything other than me trying to get over some childhood difficulties." Eventually the minor confrontations didn't feel like such a big deal any more, which helped when it came to bigger confrontations I had to have with others.

[doubleAries]

This has been an issue for me too. Have a few ideas that are helpful:

A very wise person once told me that anger is a mask for fear (and anger is usually considered a "secondary emotion". If I can remember, I try to ask myself when I'm angry "what am I afraid of?" After lots of practice, it becomes fairly automatic.

The Karpman Triangle (or drama triangle) https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle is a really, really good tool for changing how we behave by understanding why, what the pattern consists of, and how to bypass it.

In several of my sessions with my T we have this very discussion. What he generally does (and I've now come to expect) is when I'm angry talking about something that happened to me, is ask me point blank how this event/situation made me feel about myself. I tell him it made me angry at my mom, and he says yeah, but I'm asking how you felt about YOU--not your mom. The anger is directed outward--what about the feelings being covered up by the anger, the feelings directed inward. Frankly, I'm still struggling quite a bit with identifying those. But it's coming.

This is pretty common actually for those of us who grew up not being allowed to feel or speak about what we feel. Even in families where blatant violence wasn't occurring, you still find parents who tell their children "don't cry." Or "you shouldn't feel sad (or whatever emotion)... ." Which can be very confusing for children--we feel what we feel, and begin to believe we are bad/wrong for feeling something (or anything at all) the parent doesn't approve of. It's more appropriate for the parent (or for us, as we "re-parent" ourselves) to say "it's OK to feel ______, but this behavior is not appropriate. Here is a more appropriate behavioral reaction to this feeling that allows the feeling, but still shows respect for self and others."

Hope some of this is useful... .has been for me.

[Pingo]

As a result I try hard to stay in control.  But it seems that I also have a tendency of provoking people.  In the past two months, I have had two friends basically lose it with me... .and they end up being unable to stop themselves from hurling hurtful or very aggressive words designed to provoke me to the max.  My reaction was to block both of them out.   

Anyway, I would really appreciate some advice on what to do about anger... .how to manage it so it doesn't get to a point where I either 1) lose control and burst into tears or run away; or 2) provoke people to the point where they explode.

caughtnreleased, unless you are physically threatening people, you are not responsible for their explosions of anger.  You can 'provoke' but they always have the choice to walk away or a number of other options.

I think it's like trying to put a lid on a boiling pot of water.  You cannot 'contain' it.  You have to accept it rather than 'manage' it.  I know it sucks to embarrass yourself by crying in front of people but I think this is very common, especially for women.  We have been taught to suppress our anger, it's not lady-like.  What is a worse case scenario if you really 'lost it'?  I imagine that if you really allowed yourself the right to feel angry without trying to control it, it isn't as bad as you imagine.  It's just a feeling.  And I'm sure you really have a right to your anger!

I do agree with what doubleAries says, try to look for what's underneath the anger.  I've been through something really hurtful this week and I have been really angry.  As I've had time to reflect, I realise that underneath the anger is hurt and rejection.  Yucky feelings.  So much easier to stay angry.  But with all the growth I've experienced since my BU with my uBPDexh 5 mths ago it is useless to try to hide from the 'real' feelings.  They don't go away until we face them.  I also find journaling my anger is really helpful.  I can rage and freak out in words on paper and it really releases a lot of the tension.  Very cathartic.

[caughtnreleased]

Thank you all for your words of advice, and experiences with this.  It's really helpful to know that I'm not the only one who can be on the verge of tears when I push back.    I think I am also hypersensitive to other people's anger.  Ie: I was really affected by these aggressive outbursts by my two friends and blocked them because they couldn't stop themselves and it had become unbearable for me, even though it all went down via text message. 

Also, I am in a work situation where both my boss and a colleague seem to have many underlying anger issues but they express it in highly passive aggressive ways.  It makes me angry, and I'm not sure how to distinguish between expressing my anger to them (Which when someone is passive aggressive it's exactly what they want), or not expressing the anger that they are feeling.  This is tricky for me.  I don't want to give them the satisfaction I feel they are looking for by being angry... .but I also don't want to let them get away with all their underhanded and passive aggressive stunts designed to get me to carry their anger.   Any thoughts on how to deal with people who actually want to get you angry? I have come accross this many many many times as a dynamic between men and women.  My father does this with my mother, my ex boyfriend did this with me and it worked, and now it's happening in my workplace, but in a very sinuous way. 

[doubleAries]

One of the things I find most helpful of all has to do with (of course) boundaries.

The difference between myself and someone else. What is my problem and what is NOT my problem. Other peoples anger is NOT my problem. I don't always have to react--I can choose to act instead of react. Do other people really get to decide what kind of day I'm going to have? It is scary but also empowering to realize others emotions have no power over you, unless you choose to react. It's a CHOICE. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way because we have so much practice time in with REACTING (it's become ingrained, and automatic).

[caughtnreleased]

Hi I agree. I guess sometimes it's hard to distinguish what is mine and what is not. For example, how does one deal with a boss who constantly undercuts you despite your having provided some critical feedback and it not being well received.

[caughtnreleased]

I am asking because I am feeling anger from my boss, as well from a colleague and I am trying to figure out how to deal with it.  It's kind of getting out of control where we end up in meetings with someone from our team starting to yell (I stay out of the yelling matches - and managed at one point to reset the tone of the meeting just by making an intervention in a cool and composed voice), and/or totally dominate the conversation, and my colleague (who I can tell feels threatened by me) tries to undermine me in many ways, and my boss... .perhaps similar, but slightly lesser extent.  I think in a way he is afraid of offending my colleague who seems to have a really, really, REALLY delicate ego.

I admit I can at times be opinionated, and can sometimes forcefully express my opinions.  But I try and keep things professional, and to do my job properly, and stick to the tasks that we are undertaking.  I'm having difficulty understanding what, if any, role I am playing in this dynamic.  Which part of all this (anger?) is me? which part of all this is my colleague and boss?   There is one other woman in the group and she is the totally discredited hysterical BPD woman who will rage at either my boss or colleague, who also gets totally undercut in meetings (mostly by my boss).

[adventurer]

One thing that has helped me is to focus on the physical sensations when I get angry and not the emotional thoughts.

Pay attention to the racing heart, pay attention to the flushed head, pay attention to the trembling, whatever the sensation is.  Breathe and try to ride it out. 

If you pay attention to the thoughts, you could spiral into further and more intense anger.  If you pay attention to the physical sensation, you can eventually relax and calm yourself.

[Perfidy]

CNR, hi, hope all is well with you. Here is the only way to deal with anger. Nothing other than what I'm going to tell you will work for anger. Anger is an ordinary human emotion. It is not manageable. The term anger management is misleading. Happiness is also an ordinary human emotion,  and it IS manageable. If we use our finite human resources managing our happiness and not squander them trying to manage something that is unmanageable then happiness will dissolve anger. Does this make any sense?

[Grey Kitty]

A couple years ago, I became aware of how much anger I had inside of me after attending a 10 day meditation retreat.  With a few minor exceptions I spent those ten days stewing with anger.

If you can take the time, another 10-day retreat might help. My vipassana retreats did wonders for me. I'd note that you will probably have a different experience with your anger or other feelings should you go back.

I'm starting to think about when I can schedule another one for myself... .it has been several years. At least I've gone back to my daily sitting practice now. Being with your anger when you are meditating is good practice.

[caughtnreleased]

A couple years ago, I became aware of how much anger I had inside of me after attending a 10 day meditation retreat.  With a few minor exceptions I spent those ten days stewing with anger.

If you can take the time, another 10-day retreat might help. My vipassana retreats did wonders for me. I'd note that you will probably have a different experience with your anger or other feelings should you go back.

I'm starting to think about when I can schedule another one for myself... .it has been several years. At least I've gone back to my daily sitting practice now. Being with your anger when you are meditating is good practice.

I would love to go back... .I'm just short on time. But would really like to do it again.  I would say it really helped me to see myself more clearly. Strange thing, I came out of there feeling incredibly vulnerable... .I tried to maintain the meditation for months afterwards, but eventually stopped, only because I didn't know how to handle the vulnerability I was experiencing... .

[caughtnreleased]

CNR, hi, hope all is well with you. Here is the only way to deal with anger. Nothing other than what I'm going to tell you will work for anger. Anger is an ordinary human emotion. It is not manageable. The term anger management is misleading. Happiness is also an ordinary human emotion,  and it IS manageable. If we use our finite human resources managing our happiness and not squander them trying to manage something that is unmanageable then happiness will dissolve anger. Does this make any sense?

Hmm. I understand that anger is not manageable.  However, we can be angry without it taking over our lives... .I'm not sure I follow you on the happiness management and how that works with anger... .

Adventurer, I think that is really great advice. Being aware of the anger that is around me, and inside me, I have recently started noting my physical experiences with it.  It's frightenning, because I have noticed my own body shaking in certain meetings at work... .  I think I'm still at the stage where I take note of the physical manifestation of anger... .whether it's mine or someone else's.  My boss recently came to see me and was in a seething type of rage, although he directed it to someone who was entirely not responsible, but I still felt (probably wrongly) like I was the source of his anger because I had challenged him.  When he came over seething, felt myself start to shake.  Things have been difficult recently, to the point where I felt like I'd been hit by a truck from all the emotions running through me at work.  We'll see where this takes me.

[Perfidy]

Do you suppose it's possible to have a life where anger is unable to form? Will anger always be a fact of life for some? Do we not have the potential to eliminate anger. Is being aware of the potential for anger the same as having anger? Is anger not a negative emotion that accompanies unhappiness? is it not truly our nature as human beings to be happy? Is it possible to be happy and angry at the same time?

[Grey Kitty]

I would love to go back... .I'm just short on time. But would really like to do it again.  I would say it really helped me to see myself more clearly. Strange thing, I came out of there feeling incredibly vulnerable... .

I don't think that is strange at all to come out that way. I've come out of my retreats feeling very open, which does work out as being vulnerable. I even remember some cautions from my teachers that the pace and the harshness of the world we left behind may feel rather shocking to us on our way back.

I remember the teaching that what we are doing as we practice is building our own personal capacity to be with difficult feelings. In other words, increasing the degree of vulnerability that is safe for us, because  if we have the capacity to stay open and stay with the pain, we have the strength to risk being open with people who could possibly hurt us.

This is a subtle and advanced concept. Please don't think I'm suggesting that we should try to let people hurt us as some messed up version of Buddhism!

I tried to maintain the meditation for months afterwards, but eventually stopped, only because I didn't know how to handle the vulnerability I was experiencing... .

I also remember my teacher describing how people build their capacity to open up to pain.

Some people open up wide and let it all in... .then get slammed by more than they are capable of  handling, and shut down. The next time they do it again, they can take a little more before they have to slam shut.

Other people build their capacity to take the feelings, and slowly open up bit by bit as they grow their capacity. They never have to slam shut to protect themselves.

Neither way is better or worse, and you probably can't change your style even if you want to.

I know I tend more toward opening up slowly.

Keep going back to your practice, if you can. Showing up and trying is the most important part. 

[bravhart1]

Not sure if this will help but many years ago in therapy I was told that " all angry words mean the same thing, what about me"?

It kind of stuck with me when dealing with other people when they were angry because I could see it was a reaction to being hurt or some perceived slight.

Later as I sat with the idea I began to move the lens to myself when I was angry and try to see what the underlying cause was based on that idea and it really helped me to express my emotion more clearly.

I too have dealt with the crying issue and I have come to believe for me that it may stem from feeling that I  don't have a right to my anger as others do and some self esteem issues.

If I felt of more value and I was deserving of proper treatment  then I didn't feel overwhelmed trying to get others to see my point of view.

[claudiaduffy]

Do you suppose it's possible to have a life where anger is unable to form? Will anger always be a fact of life for some? Do we not have the potential to eliminate anger. Is being aware of the potential for anger the same as having anger? Is anger not a negative emotion that accompanies unhappiness? is it not truly our nature as human beings to be happy? Is it possible to be happy and angry at the same time?

I, for one, would not want to shed anger completely. Sometimes it is a necessary, good, and helpful emotion, *especially* when it is in protection of someone in a helpless state. Anger motivates me to not only ease the suffering of the oppressed, but to confront the oppressor. Anger is not always a response of fear or "unhappiness" exactly, but a strong desire to push for justice and wholeness. It doesn't even have to be inherently hurtful to the object of the anger. When I see someone committing an injustice, and I am angry at them and want to step in and help make the situation right instead of wrong, I am wanting the ultimate good of everyone involved - even the person who is committing the injustice. And while anger, completely unbridled, is volatile and abrasive, it can be controlled and made useful instead. My anger does not have to be cloaked in a softer, nicer emotion in order to do its good work; it just has to be used well instead of carelessly.

[caughtnreleased]

I agree with you Claudiaduffy.  I think anger can sometimes be useful, and important.  I think what is important to recognize is that it does not control you, but rather that you know how to express it and let it out when it is necessary to do so.   There is a very fine balance to be struck with anger I think, and those of us who have grown up in households where there is not proper channeling of anger means that anger is in fact very threatenning, frightenning and generally out of control.  And so this brings me to another question:

has anyone had experience in dealing with other angry people who deliberately provoke in order to get YOU to express their anger?  I have always, ALWAYS been extremely sensitive to this type of situation, and recently detected what I thought was my mother's intentional provocation when she made a deliberate, and rather silly, comparison with my sister, and she told me I should be more like my sister (about how I wear my hair, nothing less!).  Like usual, I ignored it.  Since I am extremely sensitive to this type of stuff, my initial reaction will always be to ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore... .because I do not want to give the person satisfaction of expressing anger for them, and of course, the person, escalates, and I ignore, ignore, then more escalation, and I ignore, ignore.  And eventually people will escalate to such a point where I have to blow.  This pattern is recurring in my life.  And I think it's because I need to express that anger, or opposition to what is happening, rather than just ignore it. So perhaps, when my mother made the comparison with my sister, maybe I should have said: "hmmm, you know that's not a very nice thing for you to say and compare me with my sister like that.  I am wearing my hair differently because this is how I would like to wear it.  It's different from my sister's and I don't think it's very nice of you to make these types of comparisons." (as a side note, my sister actually changed her hair to how I used to wear it - her little daughter loved an old picture of me with the old hair style I used to have, and everyone told my sister she looked like me when she changed her hair... .this is all a terrible vicious cycle evidently). 

Anyway, in the moment, where my mother tried to provoke me, I immediately detected that provocation was her intention, and rather than igniting anger, I think I flipped a switch the other way and went numb.  I didn't necessarily see my own feelings - which, now that I have had time to think about, probably are indeed anger, because she has done this to me so many times, I can no longer count.  And it's hurtful.  And all that makes me angry, but I refused to feel it in the moment.  Obviously, that doesn't work because here I am many, MANY, days later writing paragraphs and paragraphs about it on this website!   And the other thing, actually, as I write this, I am realizing she's been on and on about me and my hair ever since I started wearing it differently. I've just realized, every time I've seen her since I told her about how I was changing my hair, she's been not stop making mean comments about it. Wow, she's really got a chip on her shoulder about... .MY HAIR!  A few months back I actually tried to justify myself to her.  That obviously didn't work. Nor does the ignoring.  Perhaps my next step will be: Dear mom, I like my hair.  Please stop making mean comments or comparisons about it.  It's making me upset, and I don't like to be constantly told disparaging comments about my hair.

In the moments where provocation happens, I am evidently not capable of processing the thoughts about my own negative reactions to someone else's comments, when I see them as deliberately provocative.  It seems I just struggle to balance out: the deliberate provocation that I am sensing from people, and my ignoring it until it escalates to a point that is unbearable for me and I push back really, really strongly.  Does anyone have any insight on how to manage situations like these?  (sorry for the long post... .but my thoughts really just started coming out on this one).

[Pingo]

Like usual, I ignored it.  Since I am extremely sensitive to this type of stuff, my initial reaction will always be to ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore... .because I do not want to give the person satisfaction of expressing anger for them, and of course, the person, escalates, and I ignore, ignore, then more escalation, and I ignore, ignore. 

Your experience feels very familiar to me!  I do this too!  Do you think you ignore because you don't trust yourself to state your boundaries without blowing up the first time?  I think that is what I do.  I'm so afraid to lose control, there was so much judgement as a child when we expressed anger.  We were ridiculed and made to feel shameful and immature.  I always come up with mature calm retorts later on but in the moment I generally feel so triggered that I don't dare open my mouth... .especially with my mother!  She does know how to push every button and she's so judgemental.  I numb out too and then I never do express my anger as things calm down and I don't want to start something up again.  But the anger is always there, never goes away, no outlet.  Maybe it just takes practise with people who aren't so triggering, to express your anger and feelings.  Then when you get better at it attempt it with your mom and whoever really gets you upset.

[PrettyPlease]

Do you think you ignore because you don't trust yourself to state your boundaries without blowing up the first time?  I think that is what I do.  I'm so afraid to lose control, there was so much judgement as a child when we expressed anger. 

I recognize this. But for me I'd explain the "don't trust yourself" a little differently -- expressing anger wasn't allowed (except for my mother herself, who had no trouble with the double standard). So my experience when the anger starts inside me is that I also simultaneously freeze; I can't express it, because that caused heavy condemnation in the past, from very young. And my memories of this as an adult always had an overlay of resentment also -- I was resentful of the fact that I wasn't allowed to express it, which made a double whammy -- because, especially in conversations with my mother, the resentment added to the anger, since she was the source of the sequelching of the anger also. And, I'm just realizing now, this probably transferred (inaccurately) to my anger at others: I'd still repress it, and feel also the resentment for the fact that I wasn't able to express it -- but direct this at the person I was angry at also, even though in this case they wouldn't be responsible for my act of suppression. This, eventually (after I unwound these things) would also result in my feeling guilty or ashamed about my feeling resentful at them for something they hadn't done.

Yikes.

It occurred to me recently that we're turning into a race of cyborgs -- to the degree that we replace our emotions with 'duty' and completely logical decisions about our human interactions. Not that our emotions are always wonderful things (see previous paragraph  ) but certainly they have their place, to cut through all the crap and get some action done. At least when there's only one of them at a time, and it's allowed to be expressed. When suppressed they seem to get all mangled up together and hard to use properly as part of our lives.

[Perfidy]

A mindful view of anger. Not sure of the author. Not my words.

Anger: A deluded mental factor that observes its contaminated object, exaggerates its bad qualities, considers it to be undesirable, and wishes to harm it.