Please help me not to contact her.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi

I'm finding xmas so hard. I really want to contact my ex and have a lovely xmas with her. Spending time together, being close, planning the future, going for walks. It's never going to happen, but I miss her or her company or the fantasy so so much.

It doesn't help that I find my mum and dad such hard work and difficult to be around. My sister is happily married with a lovely little boy. Her life seems wonderful and mine is directionless and empty. All of this is compounding my feelings of loneliness. I wanted a life with my ex. We talked about moving in together and having kids.

It's been over a month since the BU and since I saw her. She hasn't attempted to contact me since then. I've been full NC for 3 days.

When's it going to get any easier! This is killing me. I want to feel alive again but just feel dead inside!

Anyone suggest anything to help?

Thanks

[H Hi]

Hi

I'm finding xmas so hard. I really want to contact my ex and have a lovely xmas with her. Spending time together, being close, planning the future, going for walks. It's never going to happen, but I miss her or her company or the fantasy so so much.

It doesn't help that I find my mum and dad such hard work and difficult to be around. My sister is happily married with a lovely little boy. Her life seems wonderful and mine is directionless and empty. All of this is compounding my feelings of loneliness. I wanted a life with my ex. We talked about moving in together and having kids.

It's been over a month since the BU and since I saw her. She hasn't attempted to contact me since then. I've been full NC for 3 days.

When's it going to get any easier! This is killing me. I want to feel alive again but just feel dead inside!

Anyone suggest anything to help?

Thanks

[itgirl]

I know how you feel. I broke NC yesterday after seven days. Although my situation a bit different as she has been contacting me multiple times a day.

When I spoke to her she was livid and said the most horrendous things. She broke me down and have cut deep scars that will take a long time to forget. The point I'm making is last night I couldn't sleep and cried hard. Today is also so much worse than last week. When we break no contact we halt our healing. Nothing good can come of it.

If she wanted to see you she would be with you. Try and fight the urge. Usually by just waiting it out you will succeed in not contacting.

there is another forum that has a no contact challenge. It is a pick up artist website however that thread is legendary. There are over 360 pages of people posting how to not break contact. If you are a guy I would check it out.

Stay strong.

[going places]

Hi

I'm finding xmas so hard. I really want to contact my ex and have a lovely xmas with her. Spending time together, being close, planning the future, going for walks. It's never going to happen, but I miss her or her company or the fantasy so so much.

xmas is such an emotional buzz word.

all this talk of 'families, love, bla bla bla'.

how many people DREAD the holiday, being around 'this family member, or that in law'

It's all bull ish made up to sell an emotion on TV so you will "FEEL" a certain way, so you will BUY.

Imagine her as a porcupine. Every time you get close you get stuck with needles that hurt.

Change the way you are thinking.

Think logically and not emotionally.

It doesn't help that I find my mum and dad such hard work and difficult to be around. My sister is happily married with a lovely little boy. Her life seems wonderful and mine is directionless and empty. All of this is compounding my feelings of loneliness. I wanted a life with my ex. We talked about moving in together and having kids.

STOP comparing yourself to others.

YOU have your own gifts, talents, strengths, etc.

What are they? NOW go out there and put those gifts, talents strengths to use!

You need to stop focusing on her and focus on YOU! 100%

It's been over a month since the BU and since I saw her. She hasn't attempted to contact me since then. I've been full NC for 3 days.

When's it going to get any easier! This is killing me. I want to feel alive again but just feel dead inside!

Anyone suggest anything to help?

Thanks

It will get easier when you change your thought pattern.

The sooner you put all your focus ON YOU and getting YOU healthy and YOUR future... .the better you will be.

Alive you will be. Not 'feel' BE.

100% focus on you.

[NYMike]

I never thought I would have 10 days NC.I seen her 2 times driving and that was it.

I have to get it through my thick head it was a ''fantasy'' with her.I was in the relationship and she was not.She was along for the ride and may have never loved me.I may never have that answer.But love does not feel this way.

If I called her today,here is what I will get.

Mike why are you calling me.You destroyed my life.You lied,manipualted me and played games with me.As you see this is PROJECTION.

She will re-write history to her liking.

She will call me abusive,nasty names, etc etc etc

She will look for anything to build her case that I am a Mental Case

She will never own anything she has done and will never say I am sorry mike.

She will blame me,abuse me,hurt me,and continue to paint me DARK BLACK

So what's the point here.I am better off crying and healing from her ''crazy world'' I signed up for.I jumped on the crazy train thinking I could fix it all.

She needs to fix her.I dumped everything in to her and it did not help.

So today we continue protecting NYMIKE and continue to run like hell and keep NYMIKE safe from this angry,bitter,demented,disturbed woman.

That is the only way I will ever win with her.Yes it sucks because I love her and care but I can't fix her SICKNESS.

Hang in there.I struggle too but I know at some point in the future I will be back to the charming,caring,happy wild NYMIKE.She damaged me very deep and TIME is all we have.

Are you in T.?... That has helped me a lot and this forum.

[downwhim]

Holidays are hard on us all as we continue n/c and try and heal. Make sure you stay n/c as your chances of getting hurt again if you contact her are HUGE. Keep busy, do something for others during this season to keep your mind active and thoughts away from her. That helped me.

Take care go get a massage, see your T, exercise... .your worth it!

[Infern0]

It's a complicated thing but you need to just drill it into you that breaking NC isn't going to do you any favors at all.

All you will get is,  as above,  accusations and projection.

It's your mind playing tricks on you because you are emotionally attatched still.

To explain, the first time she split me and went on a rampage of projection,  I had a nervous breakdown.

The last time it happened,  she said basically the same stuff and it had basically no effect. Within 15 minutes I was joking around with a friend. Exact same thing it's just that I'd emotionally detached.

Being in contact while you are in a vulnerable state is not a good idea,  she has likely split you black.

If you have been split, you must understand that right now she hates you. She HATES you.

I'm not trying to upset you,  I'm giving you the truth,  when you are weak,  you don't want to be in contact with someone who hates you and will likely be very malicious in trying to cause you pain.

Keep no contact and wait it out,  if you still miss her in a month or so then maybe reach out,  if she hasn't first.

[NYMike]

It's a complicated thing but you need to just drill it into you that breaking NC isn't going to do you any favors at all.

All you will get is,  as above,  accusations and projection.

It's your mind playing tricks on you because you are emotionally attatched still.

To explain, the first time she split me and went on a rampage of projection,  I had a nervous breakdown.

The last time it happened,  she said basically the same stuff and it had basically no effect. Within 15 minutes I was joking around with a friend. Exact same thing it's just that I'd emotionally detached.

Being in contact while you are in a vulnerable state is not a good idea,  she has likely split you black.

If you have been split, you must understand that right now she hates you. She HATES you.

I'm not trying to upset you,  I'm giving you the truth,  when you are weak,  you don't want to be in contact with someone who hates you and will likely be very malicious in trying to cause you pain.

Keep no contact and wait it out,  if you still miss her in a month or so then maybe reach out,  if she hasn't first.

This is how I have to approach this.I too had an emotional breakdown.I lost 35 lbs,could not sleep.started smoking and hung on for dear life.

I lost what my own ''reality was''.It was so scary.I thought I was losing my mind with all the blame,distortions and projection she hurled my way.I took it all and fell pretty hard.

I am sleeping a bit better,eating a bit better and slowly coming out of the FOG and seeing all of this for what it was.

She is a disturbed woman and anyone who involves themselves with her will suffer greatly.

I hate to say this as much as I want to hold her and ''save her'' and support her... .NC is the only thing that is working for me and making me feel a bit better.That is sad to say after all the money,love,kindness,caring I tossed into her.

[Whitebread]

Oh H, your pain is so clearly obvious from our post.  Having to deal with this Holiday in particular is just so hard when you are grieving. 

But I try to remember it's ONE day.  Really, that's it.  A tough one to be sure... tough dealing with difficult family, being glad for the happiness others have but also feeling left out.  But contact and the risk of further exacerbating my pain keeps me from picking up the phone.  Remembering and writing down all the hurtful things done and said by my ex and bringing those hurt feelings back up reminds me why I am where I am right now.  And I can't risk going through that abuse because some Hallmark card says I should.  One day. 

Give the gift of peace to yourself.  Minimize your exposure to family obligations if you can and understand it will be over in 24 short hours.  If you have to, pretend you are an actor playing a role... .you managed to control your thoughts while with your ex, many of us have... .so put that skill to use for the family stuff for a day.  Interact with the little ones in your family, their pure joy can sometimes be a little distracting.  And doing something nice for someone else does make one feel better.  The most stressful time of the year is now... .you can make it through this and come out of it stronger.  You are worth it.  Give yourself at least the same love and care you bestowed on your ex.  You are more deserving.

Wishing you peace.

[Elpis]

H Hi, it's so fresh for you, no wonder you're struggling... .and you know what? That's completely normal! With minor differences here and there we've all had to go through those super difficult first weeks, first holidays, without that person we were so attached to.

The great part of being apart from someone who is toxic to us is that we can start to heal. Slowly we will deal with the fact that we were in love with the idea of what we thought we would have, but it will come and go. Slowly we will work our way through the lessons in the sidebar and learn what detaching really means, what the concept of no contact is about. It takes time, but grief is a sneaky ass and attacks at odd moments when we aren't prepared.

We are in charge of our healing, our self-care... .I didn't grab onto that thought for years so I stayed in a situation that just took me down further. But now that I am the one who is deciding what feels right in terms of self-care i'm realizing that some things are too stressful and I will find a different way. i'm seeing some family today, i'm seeing some tomorrow, and i'm going to Christmas day at some friends and avoiding the family gathering in a small space altogether (where my uBPDh will be.)

The further I get with detachment the more clarity I have and the better I see that it's my job to take care of me. And you will get there! it's a process, so be gentle and kind with yourself while you go through it. And listen to all those wonderful suggestions and encouragements everyone has given you--we've all been where you are.