NPD Father's Strange Behavior

[Change2014]

Hi Everyone, so my uNPD Dad exhibited some weird behavior yesterday.  We hosted Xmas dinner and my uNPD Dad and uBPD Mom came over.  My uNPD Dad was extremely rude and this is the first time that he so flagrantly acted this way in front of my husband.  He belched really loudly twice and didn't say excuse me and didn't try to stifle it.  I know on the grand scheme of things, belching is not a crime.  But it was just obnoxious and seemed hostile.  Then he was asking me to serve him like I was 12... .like refill his water, bring him food.  Now, what really made these things stand out is that he is not participating at all... .he wasn't talking to us at all, wasn't talking to my husband really, etc.  Normally he'll discuss work with my husband or ask a question.  Nothing.  Of course, this all gave my uBPD Mom reason to rail on my Dad during the visit which was equally uncomfortable because she aired other grievances.  The day before, we went to their house for dinner, and he left the dinner table and kept turning up the music.  I had to yell at him several times to turn down the music.  While we were still sitting at the table he was just in the other room, messing around with the music, and ignoring any requests.  The only thing I can think of is that my Dad acts this way to get at my Mom?  Now that I write this out it is clearly passive aggressive behavior.  I heard that my Dad acted similarly over Thanksgiving at my sister's home with the belching and shoveling food in his mouth without caring about anyone else.  Is this typical NPD behavior?  

[Reluctant Dragon]

It sounds a like a more sinister motivation than trying to make your mom mad. It sounds like a territorial thing. Not your territory, your husband's!

Your dad was doing "man of the house" behaviors ( rude ones, but still). Belching without having to apologize or be polite, expected to be waited on, doing whatever HE wants (like playing music loud). Are those things dad would do without a second thought in the comfort of his own home? If so then I get the feeling he was symbolically asserting himself as the Alpha dog by peeing on your husband's territory. I bet he was silently daring your husband to do something about it.

Of course I'm still trying to learn caveman, just as I'm trying to teach my husband passive aggressive witch-speak (witch with a "b" that is). The female equivalent of what your father did would be like a woman telling her MIL to bring a side dish for Christmas dinner and MIL showing up with a whole cooked ham!

[clljhns]

Hi Change2014,

Wow! How uncomfortable! Sounds like someone needed all the attention and was using any method to get it. Sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Could it have been a fight between mom and dad that spilled over into the dinner? If dad hasn't done this before, I wonder what might have changed. Has mom and dad openly argued at family events before? Just trying to help make sense of the situation.

How did you all respond to your dad's behavior? Did you ignore it, make a statement? Just curious. I think about some of the kids I have taught over the years who will exhibit this kind of behavior because they want all the attention on themselves. Now, being a teacher, I can't really ignore these behaviors, but usually I diffuse it with humor.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Peace and blessings.

[Change2014]

Reluctant Dragon - I think you are right, it was a bit aggressive towards my husband, which he has never done before.  He has always shown a lot of respect to my husband, so it was bizarre.  I have seen him display this behavior in his own house, but this was a whole different level at ours.  It certainly made my husband take notice and he is pretty unflappable. 

Clijhns - I think you are probably right that there a fight between my parents spilling over into dinner.  Who knows what about exactly, but I do know my Dad has not spent really anytime with my mom over the holidays.  He has made sure to be away all the time... .playing golf, work, you name it.  I think my Dad was trying to most likely wind my mother up.  He likes to yank chains.  Of course, my Mom takes the bait and starts venting, which was very uncomfortable.  She hasn't done it to this level before in front of my husband, but my Dad also hasn't acted this obnoxious before in front of my husband.  Most likely the root is their issues between each other.  We  (my mom and I) called him out on his behavior, but I didn't focus on it a lot because I thought he wanted a reaction mostly.  So, I said something and moved on.  My mom kept on it, which probably egged him on.  I get the sense he just didn't want to be there and so he just did whatever he could to be unpleasant and push buttons.  I decided I am not tolerating that behavior in my home again.  If he wants to act like that in his own home fine, but not in mine.  Ironically the only thing that got his attention is when I expressed concern over his weight (he's gained a lot and has early stage diabetes).  That seemed to perk him up and he said I called him fat and was smiling when he said it, which I didn't by the way.  That was probably the most we actually interacted.  Bizarre.

[P.F.Change]

Of course, this all gave my uBPD Mom reason to rail on my Dad during the visit which was equally uncomfortable because she aired other grievances.   

It is your home... .you get to set the expectations for how your guests will behave there, you are free to ask them to stop or leave. Glad you see that.

I heard that my Dad acted similarly over Thanksgiving at my sister's home with the belching and shoveling food in his mouth without caring about anyone else.  Is this typical NPD behavior? 

People with NPD have a sense of entitlement and do not believe the rules that apply to others should apply to them, because they are "special." Other people's needs and feelings are not typically on their radar. It is also not surprising that someone with NPD would expect to be waited on.