need some feedback on this morning's incident

[rise_up]

my BPD SO is very attached to the impression she makes at her job. she is in a leadership position and has very high standards... .99% of the time she is 15 mins early for work every day and prides herself in it.

well- this morning was the 1%.

she usually leaves the house at 5:45am and im usually sleeping. my alarm went off at 6am and i noticed she was still in bed. she quickly got up and realized she was late. i got up and knew that she was probably stressed, so i passed by and asked, 'what can i help you with?' she said, 'just coffee... .thank you!' good start right?

so as i was barely awake... making her coffee... i also wanted to do something extra. i grabbed her medicine she takes each morning and pulled two pills out along with some water. i went up to her in the bathroom as she was getting ready and said "pills?" she smiled and nodded. i was ready to hand her the pills but her hands were busy with deodorant, so she  opened her mouth signaling me to feed her. i guess i was still a bit sleepy- so i carefully tried to feed her. but my hands wouldn't cooperate and so the first pill ended up in her mouth and i was maneuvering to get the second one from my palm to my fingers but i was moving too slowly. she didnt like that i was 'not doing it right' so she rolled her eyes and started huffing and making 'that face'.

i started feeling a bit irritated at her and also bad about myself... .so i said "i'm sorry!" a little loud and in an irritated tone. i really was meaning "will you effing chill out?"

and that started the avalanche. she begins with "... .so now you're going to raise your voice at me? how is it that the few times i get up late, you try to 'HELP' but just make things worse... .?"

and she kept repeating and repeating and repeating that.

i walked away and i was getting increasingly frustrated. i continued making coffee for her and said "i didn't mean to!" but she kept going. "feeding pills one at a time... .who does that?" i should have known that rationalizing my actions during those 5 seconds was not going to do any good... .but i still explained myself. didn't work. 

she saw me put her thermos together and i forgot that she likes her coffee diluted a little and said "i put WATER in there... .WATER." so i shrank (beating myself up that i forgot) and turned the faucet on. "great... .so now you put cold water in my coffee". i apologized and turned the faucet again. "so now i'm going to get cold water then hot water... ."

i felt like it was getting piled on. she knows that piling things on me is a big trigger for me... but she didn't care. i started to get really upset (realizing that my PMS is also in full swing) with tears and just snapped a little saying"all i want to do is help you! i'm trying my best not to make this worse. why don't you be patient with me!"

i was obviously talking to her as if she was a non. but she isn't. so she fake smiled "what a wonderful start to my day. just go back to bed". that basically meant - you ruined my morning, you are useless. the next few minutes were filled with silence and her scowling and stomping around and me sniffling. i just did my own thing as she firmly said "good bye. now im going to be driving to my sh!tty job thinking about all of this." and left.

when i calmed down i texted her saying im sorry for raising my voice. i wanted to help and i understood that she was angry and upset. she replied saying she knows that when she gets up late, it affects my start to the day too.

and that was that. i will probably compartmentalize this whole morning. we will probably come back home together and enjoy our night (unless something else happens).

i know that i did not handle this situation well. i would like some feedback on how i could have done this better. i feel like i need to strengthen my core and arm myself with more effective tools. i know about SET, FOG and splitting all too well. im just a bit rusty.

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[Crumbling]

   

--I think this guy is in his robe making coffee, just like you and me!  

Good Morning, Riseup!

 

Sorry to hear your morning started out on the wrong foot.  This happens in our house so many times!  Remember to recollect yourself today, and get some even footing.  

First off, IMO, I can't see where you did anything 'wrong' here.  Being late and shook up put her in a bad place right from the get go.  Your motive to help, although well intended, triggered her into a reactionary mode, where her she began to lash out at you.

You likely could have put the pills into her mouth both at the same time, and she would have been upset at how your leg brushed against her dress or something - that's BPD.

What I would adjust, should you find yourself in the same situation, is perhaps, reign in the desire to help a little more.  She said she just wanted coffee, she could stay grounded at that point.  If you had only gotten the coffee and then asked her what else, leaving her in charge to know and direct you in helping her, would have maybe helped her stay in a 'in charge' state.  

I would have got the coffee, asked about every step to make sure it was right along the way,  then said, okay, what else.  With perhaps a quick kiss and I love you, just to say I'm sorry your day started $hitty.  My BPDh eventually realizes that only he can get himself out the door in time, because it takes to look to give me direction with every little task he gives me.     And I do apologize for having to ask, but remind him that I just don't want to do it wrong.

   You'll be okay.  Hey, maybe that means you've got another 99 days of good mornings to look forward to!  

Blessings,

c.

[123Phoebe]

Hi rise_up

Honestly?  I'd chalk this up to just one of those things; waking up on the wrong side of the bed.  Since she's usually on top of her game, waking up in plenty of time, this one threw her off course.

Tiredness, rushed, PMS, crappy coffee = not the best way to start the day.  There are a lot of hours left in it to turn it around, which sounds like it already has

Maybe knowing now how she can be when her mornings don't run perfectly smoothly, it might be a good idea to keep a low profile.

Not every day (or morning) will be sunshine and butterflies!  Such is life... .

[rise_up]

thank you for the support. i am chalking it up to 'one of those mornings'. we just spoke on the phone and things are calmer now. she did say 'i know you were still sleepy. its not your job. i lashed out because i was mad at myself for oversleepin' my intuition did tell me to keep a lower profile. i will work on that next time

thanks again.

[Notwendy]

She's upset because she got up late and is projecting her bad feelings outward. Remember, they can't manage bad feelings and so they send them out somewhere else.

It could have been anything that morning that you did. She's probably beating herself up inside about being late.

Getting up and helping her was a wonderful thing to do, but she was feeling bad inside no matter what. Still, it was better that you were supportive.

I call this emotional "vomiting". Like a kid with a belly ache, they vomit and feel better, but you feel awful. Sometimes they don't even remember it.

She apologized and owned her behavior? That's great. Reinforce this by telling her you appreciate that.