missing her

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The holidays are hard.

I'm missing her. I moved out on my BPD wife a couple of months ago. I needed to. For my mental and emotional health and for my kids' wellbeing.

And I can logically so clearly see her BPD behavior and how it worked to manipulate me over the years.

I have been called so many things during her rants. The least honest person she has even known. A hermit. A bad father. A stupid, immature ___. Lots more. Most of our friends would never believe that. Most of our friends have moved on, after so many times we never showed up or cancelled at the last minute (she routinely waited until we were almost out the door to a social event before coming down with a headache).

My social life is down to a small circle. My ego is shot to hell. I'm living in an apartment blocks from my house, with new cheap plates and our oldest thin towels and partially furnished rooms (I know, first world problems). My closest friends and my therapist and my kids all tell me I did the right thing and the no-contact days reinforce that, for on those days I experience life without dread or any anxiety that I may say the wrong things or otherwise trigger an eruption.

But still, I miss her. We were together for years and laughed and loved. I think. I cared for her for years through her depressives episodes.

The holidays are hard.

[jadedcat]

The holidays are hard.

I'm missing her. I moved out on my BPD wife a couple of months ago. I needed to. For my mental and emotional health and for my kids' wellbeing.

And I can logically so clearly see her BPD behavior and how it worked to manipulate me over the years.

I have been called so many things during her rants. The least honest person she has even known. A hermit. A bad father. A stupid, immature ___. Lots more. Most of our friends would never believe that. Most of our friends have moved on, after so many times we never showed up or cancelled at the last minute (she routinely waited until we were almost out the door to a social event before coming down with a headache).

My social life is down to a small circle. My ego is shot to hell. I'm living in an apartment blocks from my house, with new cheap plates and our oldest thin towels and partially furnished rooms (I know, first world problems). My closest friends and my therapist and my kids all tell me I did the right thing and the no-contact days reinforce that, for on those days I experience life without dread or any anxiety that I may say the wrong things or otherwise trigger an eruption.

But still, I miss her. We were together for years and laughed and loved. I think. I cared for her for years through her depressives episodes.

The holidays are hard.

[Elpis]

I understand your feelings... .

I left a long term marriage ten months ago and am slowly healing emotionally and less triggery and can breathe. But all that you did go through with that person is part of why you stayed as long as you did, that was true for me at least. And we idealize the holidays, we've been trained to! But I know that for me personally my uBPDh would always make them difficult with his pouting and tantrums, and for years i'd end up giving him one of his presents early to try to get him to stop being so glum. It was always immense pressure on me to have the holidays be "right." I love decorating for Christmas, but this year since I moved out he did nothing to decorate our house for Christmas even though our son is still there. (he's 26 and could decorate if he wanted.) And somehow that is still my fault.

There are so many confusing and conflicting feelings when we leave, even when we know we needed to. I am easily caught up in The Familiar, that comfort of what I have known for years even if it was whacky.

Just know that what you feel is normal, it's part of grieving the loss--both of what you had and what you thought you would have.

How old are your kids? And how wonderful to have their understanding and support!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jadedcat, you're right, it's a rough time of year, so cut yourself some slack.  What you miss is probably more the illusion of happiness with your W rather than the reality of life with a pwBPD.  Like Elpis, I left a long term marriage to my BPDxW.  I don't miss the drama.  Life is much more peaceful without walking constantly through a mine field.  It's hard, no doubt, but in my view I'm on a better path, one that will lead to more happiness.  I think the same is true for you, so stay the course and hang in there.  LuckyJim

[clydegriffith]

At first it was tough for me on the holidays then i just started looking back at everything and asked myself WHYY?

The BPDx was much more prone to have a rage on holidays, birthdays, etc and many of the scariest moments occurred on such days. Thank god i'm out.

[Infern0]

It's normal to miss the good times,  from time to time.

I was thinking last night about some of the times we were just hanging out and laughing and having fun and I did miss it.

But then I remembered the lying,  the passive agressive insults,  the silent treatment. Having to walk on egg shells,  not being able to be honest myself because she wouldn't understand,  the rages, the selfishness, all of it.

Your mind plays tricks on you and sometimes I think "she wasn't that bad" but she was,  she was THAT bad.

And that's what these people come with,  only a sadist would miss living like that or else someone who is fooling themselves.

Snap out of it.

[jadedcat]

And, the peaceful day is ruined. I tagged her daughter, my stepdaughter, in a post on social media, and my BPD ex is enraged that I am trying to show her up and show people I'm a good guy still friends with my stepdaughter.

Sigh.

Apparently when they had that Christmas truce in WWI none of the front line soldiers had BPD, because if they did, the truce would have lasted all of 5 minutes.

Well, this dumb ___ is going to cry it off in the shower for a bit and go for a walk.

[Elpis]

.

Apparently when they had that Christmas truce in WWI none of the front line soldiers had BPD, because if they did, the truce would have lasted all of 5 minutes.

OH MY I LOVE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR! Glad to see that's intact in spite of the spite... .

[whythisgirl]

It's normal to miss the good times,  from time to time.

I was thinking last night about some of the times we were just hanging out and laughing and having fun and I did miss it.

But then I remembered the lying,  the passive agressive insults,  the silent treatment. Having to walk on egg shells,  not being able to be honest myself because she wouldn't understand,  the rages, the selfishness, all of it.

Your mind plays tricks on you and sometimes I think "she wasn't that bad" but she was,  she was THAT bad.

And that's what these people come with,  only a sadist would miss living like that or else someone who is fooling themselves.

Snap out of it.

In the beginning my exBPD/npd bf would always call me passive aggressive and I would wonder why. All along he was projecting. Funny passive part left and he became straight out aggressive. I am caught up on the illusion because in reality he is a heartless human being.

[Infared]

It has been a long time out for me... .and on a pretty deep level I know that I will always miss my ex.  Something like:"why couldn't she see the beauty and potential that I saw in our relationship."

That being said... .if I went outside just now and started to walk down the street and she tried to walk up to me ... .I would just move away from her, quickly.  It would be motivated by me getting myself to a place of safety.

They leave us so twisted and damaged.