Holiday sucker punches

[missblue]

It's been 7 months since the initial breakup, 3 months nc. Never though I'd be able to say that.

Healing has been happening... .while not where I'd like to be, it's been several months since tears, and the intensity of the feelings had finally settled down a bit. I still missed him, but realize I'm better off... .and have hope for someday finding a healthy, happy relationship.

Feeling holiday loneliness, I mess around logging into some of my older dating site profiles... .more looking for someone to chat with to take the edge off than anything.

I do notice one of his profiles, but it mainly just makes me laugh... .because different parts were completely accurate at different times, but directly contradict each other. As in saying he doesn't drink at all and doesn't want to be with someone who does at one point, and saying he spends every friday night after work having drinks with coworkers at another. One of his profiles lists wiccan, another lists "christian and very serious about it". It amused me... .never thought about how hard it must be to keep everything updated to the new you when it changes so dramatically so frequently on you.

So, the next morning, I get an email. A notification that someone rated me highly, is totally into me, I should message them... .from his account. Very weird.

He's been on the sites enough, before me and in between the now 5 different replacements already, I know that he knows that it sends these.

I ignored it for a day and a half... .not really sure whether to take it as a slap in the face or a friendly gesture... .and then while I was on the site again, it prompted me on him. I thought about it... .but decided if he was going to be civil on there by giving me the nice rating, I'd at least be nice and return the favor.

The next morning, I went to his profile to send a link to a friend I was discussing this development with... .and it's gone. Even when I log out. So I'm not just blocked, he completely deleted it.

Really? Over being liked? It's not like I even sent a message, or like he didn't do it first.

But... .it's amazing... .even as much as I'm sort of amused by the dramatic overreaction... .just how much that little completely slaughters my heart. Even when I was feeling so much over it.

I want to be in a place that the amusement is the only emotion... .but somehow... .this grip managed to still be that strong even after this long, that it just cuts in.

This should be reminding me why I'm better off... .no more games... .no more random on then off communications... .pushing me further away from him.

Instead, it makes me miss him all the more again. It makes me want to apologize for hitting the like. It makes me want to leave him a christmas gift that had briefly crossed my mind thanksgiving weekend.

One bit of stupidity... .one thing that I should have ignored but didn't... .and I'm back from being strong but a bit lonely to being aching from the lonely until my eyes ache from the tears again.

And I hate that he has that ability, especially with so little effort, even as much effort and work and dealing with loss as I've spent the better part of the last year building.

Feels like a special gift-wrapped sucker punch... .that somehow turns into a bomb that makes me want to return not hatred back, but kindness and wanting to be with him.

Right when I was feeling weakest with the holiday.

Can we just call Christmas over already?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi missblue

I can relate to how you are feeling, and the timing of the demise of your relationship plus the timeframe of last contact is pretty much identical to mine.

You are not alone in feeling this way, and this is a common thing for all of us, yet whilst we are feeling it, we feel all that much more alone in our grief.

I too still grieve my lost love BP, despite every horrible thing he did to me, (and it was horrible!), I still miss the good parts, even though they got fewer and fewer as the relationship rolled on. Recently I learnt that he was in a new relationship, and even working in a job! During the entire time he was with me, he remained as unemployed as he was when he met me, (already 2 years jobless), so to learn that he is now working and doing well for himself, kind of makes me angry. Why couldn't he make more effort to find work when he was with me?

How is it that a guy that abusive, manages to suddenly pick himself up, find work and another relationship, this time apparently with a Psychiatrist who is his 'match' according to his Sister in law. It almost felt like BP had known that his Sister in law would tell me about his great news, and I even felt that she was gloating herself when telling me.

As it was, I was on the floor at work cleaning windows when she approached me to tell me exBP's latest news, this time good. I wish I hadn't even been interested when she used to fill me in before hand.  At that stage, if she came to my workplace to shop, she would only talk to me if I said Hello to her or if she saw me first.  And her news was always the same, that he was still  homeless, lost his drivers license, and totally cynical and nasty about him.

Now she knows he is working? Suddenly he is the greatest! Like a job and a new woman will change who he is! Her words were, "he has met his match, she's a Psychiatrist and she is keeping him in line".

I actually wanted to stop her, and say that whilst I was glad to hear the news was good this time, that I didn't want to know the details, just as he wouldn't want to know if I was in a relationship either, and as if I would pass that information on to any of his family at any rate!

So I hear you. It angers me that I still care after all this time, whilst he is out there pretending to everyone that now he is away from me, his life is suddenly wonderful. Knowing that his lies and blame has worked in securing himself yet another victim really annoys me.

I am sure he would have told her that he was only homeless after he met me, (a lie) and my family beat him up, (another lie), and I cheated on him several times, (another lie), and I had all these men in my life, (another lie).

Grrrrr why do I even care?

I know the outcome of this new union he has, within a month his true colours will show, and I don't care if she is a Psychiatrist, she cant be a very good one if he managed to trick her!

[missblue]

As expected, it completely threw me off into missing him dearly on the holiday... .remembering how wonderful last year was.

I guess about three days after the dating site incident, he now found replacement number 6. He'd only dumped number 5 a week before.

I ended up giving in to the temptation and going over to victim 5's facebook page. Things must have gone south before the dumping there though, as they'd only dated 6 weeks, but her post that he was now out of her life got friends hitting like rather than responding things like "i'm sorry to hear that" like you'd expect.

But, he apparently got her pretty good too... .as she's got posts up about wanting to erase memories... .and about how they'd had dreams of retirement that she will just have to fulfill on her own (he's in his 30's... .she looks to be similar age... .and making retirement dreams in 6 weeks of dating... .yep, that sounds like your borderline hit and run... .extra points given for the dreams being completely and totally the opposite of what he'd told me he expected the future to look like due to a health condition of his mother)

And while this even more ought to make me glad to be rid of him... .and it does have the effect of making me feel the bitterness and hurting towards him stronger... .

But somehow, it still doesn't get rid of the missing him... .

And it makes me even more mad at myself and my emotions for missing him the more I get mad at him for being a total jerk to me (and her).

I sort of want to send the poor discarded replacement a message... .clueing her in to what the deal is with him... .offering her someone to talk to, as i imagine her friends wont understand any more than mine did with her go round being much shorter than mine even... .

But then... .facebook messaging an ex's ex doesnt seem like a particularly normal thing to be doing... .and given that i know he'd told replacement 2 that he hadn't dated anyone since his divorce (he'd dated at least 4 that i know of in that time frame), she may not even believe me anyway or have been warned that i'm a psycho like some mutual friends were.

I hate that he's a jerk... .but somehow, that makes me hate myself for caring more... .even when I know that's an understandable thing.

[Elpis]

It's so hard to see their actions as just a part of their disorder--it all felt so personal, right? The good, the bad, everything felt so particular to our needs/weaknesses/etc. while we were in the relationship.

And then in another relationship it's all tailored to those partners! This is all part of that mirroring thing they do to be attractive to their future partner, like the male peacock fanning his beautiful feathers.

It's incredibly confusing. Like that retirement thing--in their 30s? That is some forward looking alright! But if it's all a fantasy anyway, and he's modeling himself to be perfect for her, that must have been something that fit the mirroring.

And I don't mean that our partners have been fake, they meant every last thing they said to us at that moment. They believed it. It took me till age 60 to figure all that out, unfortunately!

If you can, it really helps our psyche when we can look at the things they're doing and realize it's part of the disorder. The pwBPD usually doesn't have a strong sense of who they are, and that's why their personal facts and beliefs can seem to change so quickly when they are with someone else. Since I was in my marriage to my uBPDh for 38 years, I only saw these different sides of him in relation to people at work or church--the kind him, the wise him, the funny him. He wasn't able to keep those up with our relationship. And I admit to being curious about what he will do when he becomes a single guy, since I can't imagine him being alone for long.

But boy do I know that feeling of the sucker-punch... .