Changing the way you react

[smrk871345]

Hello friends I need your help. My mom has uBPD and I've been working hard this year to find successful ways of coping. I currently live at home with her. I've been reading books and going to Alanon, and had counseling on-&-off. What I keep hearing is that I need to 1) limit my contact with her and 2) change the way I react.

I think I have been good at doing that for the most part. There are some instances where I maybe let my guard down, maybe made the mistake of eating breakfast at home or lingering after dinner. Its a little exhausting, and expensive, because I always have to find ways to be out of the house. Sometimes I get tired and just want to stay home. When I choose to do that, I know I run the risk of being verbally assaulted, or listening to her assault someone else. If her mood is calm and we're connecting, I run the risk of sharing something that she will later use against me. So I have to get better at staying away.

I am also working on new techniques for reacting to her, especially when she wants to pick a fight or make me the object of her rage. I'm reading the Eggshells book. I know about non-combative responses and validating her emotions. I'm actually proud of myself for remembering to do that this past week! Asserting my own thoughts or feelings is a moot point because she doesn't care, and trying to assert my limits is also a moot point because she thinks I don't deserve to have any. Whenever I try to assert my feelings - at the heat of the moment or later on - she'll just mock me, or reiterate why I'm so bad, stupid, careless, lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, whatever. She will never apologize.

So, I get that I have to limit contact and change the way I react to her... .but what else is there? What am I missing? I've gotten so good at not sharing things that she's started to complain how I don't tell her things anymore and uses that as a reason to berate me. I've gotten so good at staying out of the house that she uses it as an excuse to badger me first thing in the morning or last thing at night because "you're never home anymore to talk about things." In using these new responses, she now complains, "I'm tired of getting the brush-off!" It's a no-win situation. She really wants to control me and she will break down all of my defenses to do it.

The simple answer is to move out and go NC, but it's not that easy. It might still take a few months. Until then, I need to know: Am I on the right track? Is there anything I'm missing here? What more do I need to do to change the way I react to her?

[P.F.Change]

Hi, smrk,

You're asking some good questions. And it sounds like you're already taking a lot of good steps toward improving your situation.

The tools we teach here and that are provided in books like Stop Walking on Eggshells--such as validation techniques and defining our personal boundaries--will not change anyone else. They will not turn your mother into someone capable of hearing you, they will not turn someone with a personality disorder into someone who can act like they don't have a personality disorder. In other words, they're not magic. But they do help us to start to discover ways to take care of ourselves in a way that also respects the personhood of others.

One thing you might consider changing are your expectations about how your mother should behave. One of the most helpful things I ever read was the workshop we have here on Radical Acceptance. I learned that my mother's behavior is exactly what I ought to be able to expect from someone with a personality disorder, and that my frustration and disappointment about how she acts is from expecting her to act like a "normal" person or change into the kind of mother I wanted her to be. It's not about excusing negative behaviors, but rather understanding that people with PDs are going to act like people with PD's. Your mother might not be capable of caring about your thoughts or feelings, especially if she is feeling overwhelmed by her own. She may not be able to respect your boundaries no matter how many tools you use to communicate them.

Along those lines, you might also consider letting go of the desire for her to understand your limits or your choices. Those can exist independently of her comprehension or approval. What matters is that you are aware of your needs and your boundaries, and that you are willing to look after them. Does that help at all?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Ziggiddy]

Oh smrk

I just resonated so much with your post.

I really congratulate you on how far you've come already. You have identified so many areas that are not optimal, you have taken steps to find better ways to improve yourself and your reactions and you not only remembered to use some of your tools you had the courage to go ahead and do it!

i can identify with so much of what you said - not having any opinions that matter, not being of interest to listen to, never ever getting an apology (or worse, getting the nongenuine apology! "I'm sorry you feel that way." (Clearly it's MY fault for feeling that way!)  Or stony "Well I'm sorry. I can never do anything right by you can I?"etc)

I also get what you mean about wondering if the type of contact you have is all that there is and maybe all that will ever be. Can I ask you in all honesty, was it ever any different?

Asserting my own thoughts or feelings is a moot point because she doesn't care, and trying to assert my limits is also a moot point because she thinks I don't deserve to have any. Whenever I try to assert my feelings - at the heat of the moment or later on - she'll just mock me, or reiterate why I'm so bad, stupid, careless, lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, whatever. She will never apologize.

smrk - can I also ask what you hope to achieve from setting boundaries or giving non combative responses?

If you are looking to reduce conflict then can you see you are already doing that? At least your own internal feelings of conflict  - I assume they are less?

As far as assertiveness goes - of your thoughts your feelings your boundaries, they are actually a very good thing to do, not because she'll listen and change - she probably won't - but because YOU will hear yourself. YOU will realise by repetition that you are entitled to those things even if she won't accept that

You can do the things you o for yourself and not for her benefit.

I've gotten so good at not sharing things that she's started to complain how I don't tell her things anymore and uses that as a reason to berate me. I've gotten so good at staying out of the house that she uses it as an excuse to badger me first thing in the morning or last thing at night because "you're never home anymore to talk about things." In using these new responses, she now complains, "I'm tired of getting the brush-off!" It's a no-win situation. She really wants to control me and she will break down all of my defenses to do it.

She sees you changing the steps of your dance and wants to use other methods to bring you back to where she likes to have you. You don't have to dance that way. if you change the steps and she doesn't want to dance your way, you don't have to dance with her at all. this is easier said than done, I know, but it IS possible.

One thing I really sensed from your post was the sadness you feel at 'having' to reduce contact with her. You know i so admire the work Alanon do and SWOE is the definitive work on BPD but in the end you are the expert on your own life, smrk. You and YOU alone get to choose. if you don't want to minimise contact with her you don't have to.

The material that PF referred you to are all so great at helping you find new ways to 'contact' with your mother. And as PF said,

She may not be able to respect your boundaries no matter how many tools you use to communicate them.

Along those lines, you might also consider letting go of the desire for her to understand your limits or your choices. Those can exist independently of her comprehension or approval. What matters is that you are aware of your needs and your boundaries, and that you are willing to look after them.

I would wish for you to give yourself some kindness too. You are trying so hard to do so much that you may not notice that you are feeling very very sad at times. It's ok to feel sad. And to care for yourself when you are feeling sad. It's a real loss to discover you may never get from your mother the kind of loving interest and respect that you wish for. be kind to yourself smrk

I too wish you a bit of peace

Ziggiddy

[BuddyBuddy]

My first thought when reading your post was, "Hi... .are you ME?"  Everything you wrote was as if I had said it myself.  You said it all so well too, perfectly explaining the type of relationship that I think many of us have with our uBPD relative.  Mine is my sister-in-law, who I fortunately don't have to see that much but when I do, it totally wreaks havoc with life.  Your reactions are very mature, especially for being the child of a BPD and I applaud you.  However I know that executing the actions/reactions is another matter.  It's very hard to control your feelings and to rationalize that it's not really who you are--who they accuse you to be. 

My SIL will take any opportunity to criticize me, even if it's not true.  This happened this last week.  And I was mad at first, because I had hoped that after basically not talking to her for about 4 years she would have softened towards me.  But that was my own delusion... .she will most likely hate me the rest of her life and it's just easier for me to assume that rather than hope that she changes.  But it doesn't change the fact that I still get anxiety when she's around and can't be comfortable when I'm around her at all, knowing that everything I do she is looking for a way to criticize me. 

I think the best we can do is to just stop ever having any expectations of any kind of improvement.  Just hang in there... .I'm sure it will get better in a few months when you move.

[CalledaPerson]

My advice would be to just get out of there as soon as you can. Living with a uBPD parent is like being in prison. It's good that you're being more intelligent in the way that you deal with her, but the bottom line is, I think you need to get out of there as soon as possible. They cause trouble, and you never can predict what they will do next to try to hurt you. Getting out returns the power back to you, since it's the one boundary they can't easily disregard. Then, make sure your mail and everything is changed to the new address as far ahead as possible. 

[goingtostopthis]

Smrk,

              I totally understand where youre coming from in terms of working on your reactions and feeling that there are certain things you cant talk to your mother about. Im learning this right now but Ive realized that in being brought up by her I find my self in these ingrained habits that I have to break that I cant all ways change over night.

               I learned the hard way about a week ago, I was going on a job interview and I was all ready nervous about it as it was. I should have just kept the event to myself but out of my own insecurities I guess and need to let her know I was  was doing well with getting myself together, insecurity again, I told her about the interview. Immediately she started going on about questioning me about what I was going to wear, and far was this place, What time it was, when was I leaving etc.etc.  and then back to questioning me about what I was wearing again. As if I have some inadequate way of dressing that would ruin the whole thing unless I listen to her. This is the toxic message that come out from her that resounds itself in between the lines.

                        I was mess after that. Three times more insecure then I was before I told her, actually I wasnt insecure about this before I told her,  I was a little nervous but not insecure. I was fine and did well on the interview because I pushed her out of mind, but the amount of extra stress I went through because I spoke to her about it before I went taught me a lesson.  Im not going to tell her anymore the next time I have to do something that is important to me.

                     I dont think  she does this on purpose but  I have to say it feels like she does. Its like she is secretly threatened by my independence and doesnt want be to have self confidence or success because that's a threat, So she plays these mind games on me to cause me to feel like the way I am , wearing what I feel good in is flawed in some way and that I wont have the ability to feel secure in what I wear unless I wear what she thinks I should wear.Then Ill be good for the interview. Ive proven her wrong on this one many times.   This is how I grew up with this women.

                    I was angry  I  told her about it.  It ruined every thing for me. I was miserable.  I figured the reason  I didnt tell her was because I was afraid of her reaction after just going ahead and doing it , She all ready got mad at me once for going on an independent trip with out telling her until I was all ready doing it. It just so happened I was alittle late for dinner at her house because of it, she claimed she was angry with me for being late ,but after she started ranking on the person I went to see in such an uncalled for way and telling me how selfish I was for going,  that was it! I just got this feeling there was more under lying stuff with her that has nothing to do with me being late, it had to do with where I went with out her getting the chance to say weird things to make me insecure about it,  like "You might get lost!"   instilling fear and self doubt is what she does.  Its awful.

                   Ive decided as apart of my setting boundaries to go where I want to go and do what I need to do and if she gets all weirded out about that on me, Im going to have to stand my ground and do it as many time as I need to. Im sure if I were to confront her about being controlling in this way she'd freak out and say I dont know what youre talking about. Like I would be such a BAD BAD person for even suggesting such a thing. It even makes me wonder if my mother is a little jealous of me and wants me to feel insecure and feel helpless and fearful and feel like about myself generally because its comforting to her because I do alot of things she cant do or is afraid of doing herself. It's kind of a way of being picked on but diguised by this kind of treatment I get of being underminded in these subtle but not so subtle ways. Its like she pretends to support me but when you stand back from it , it isnt support at all.


                         She's beyond looking at herself and seeing the kind of effect she is making on me. She is so driven by her own deep seated maladies and needs she cant even put a name to, stopping long enough to really put herself in my shoes to see how this hurts me , like it would her if someone was doing this to her. Well, these sort of gates are closed in her brain and probably will never be opened.   Ill be here for her but I will also be here for myself and remember that I am an adult and have a right to my own personal life as well.  Ill have to be strong in the beginning because changing patterns can be akward but these are her patterns, they dont belong to me or , ok, they have belonged to me too,  but not for long.    

[littlebirdcline]

If her mood is calm and we're connecting, I run the risk of sharing something that she will later use against me.

SO TRUE!  I swear I think BPD comes with the super power of remembering any piece of "useful" ammunition for later.

[losthero]

I understand what you mean.  I too tried the not share a lot, try to set boundaries, tried to not be around her as much in order to evade her taunts and rages. 

It worked for awhile until that became her new trigger.  My mother too became enraged that I wasnt "sharing" with her.  That i was changed or different and she missed the old loving Losthero.  No she missed the emotional control she had over me.  She started to become even more over the top rageful and even vindictive towards me for setting boundaries.  She blamed my husband for making me this way (no insight at all).  She was possessive over me and started smear campaigns to family members about me.  She guilted me about how alone she felt.  It became just as bad as it was before.  She knew I was setting emotional boundaries with her and would no stand for that!  So right now I am no contact.  I am once again at a loss on how to communicate with her.   I don't know if its me getting older (im 42) or if she is getting worse with old age and my dads death 5 years ago (ultimate abandonment), but her mentality seems to be that i am her possession and she will treat me anyway she wants to and if i loved her i would allow her to do that.   I pray you save hard, get another job, sell something, start looking for a roommate if needed.  Dont eat at restaurants, make a sanwhich and go to the oark, a library. Save evey dime in order to get out.  You have no soft place to lay your head right now.  You need a calm evironment.  The constant stress and hypervigilance required to interact with a BPD takes its toll on you in time.  Might not be today but eventually your body and soul will pay for the constant stress.