Trying to put the pieces together when it all seems like a bad dream

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, I'm new here. I"m having trouble adjusting to life without the wife. After 2.5 years of marriage I've had enough. I told her we should separate. I'm living alone now for about 5-6 weeks. After she moved out I was looking for answers. I came across a webpage about personality disorders and when I read about BPD I knew that was it. I've since read "walking on eggshells" and i'm confident that BPD is what she has.

i'm stuggling with a lot. THoughts of regret, what I should have done, could have done better. Etc. My counselor says that BPD is curable (possibly) through intense DBT Therapy. THis information makes me feel like I've abandoned her even more... .which is tough... .Now, I don't think even DBT would help her, because her mother is the exact same way as she is. And if any progress was made, I think her mother would undo the progress.

I've filed for divorce. We don't have any kids so I guess that is a plus... .

I miss her a lot. There is no one like her. WHen things are good they are REALLY good. After reading the book, I know what I was experiencing wasn't quite real. The idealization phase of people with BPD is so magnetic. I felt so loved. So important. So good.

But she was tearing my life apart. I was and have been fighting a losing battle. She was isolating me from my family and some of my friends. It was such a no win situation. She kept insisting that my family was bad, mean, people who hated her, People who wanted me to be with someone else, etc etc.

There was no winning for them. Constant drama. She basically made me choose between having a good relationship with my family and her. (even though she doesn't realize, and wouldn't realize that that was what she was making me choose)

And that's another thing. BPD people in the book I read wrote that they realize something is wrong with them. She, in her heart of hearts, I know 100% that she really thinks that she's normal, and that her outrageous reactions to small things is totally justified.

Anyway, enough typing. I don't really know how I got here. Peace.

[cehlers55]

Well, I'm new here. I"m having trouble adjusting to life without the wife. After 2.5 years of marriage I've had enough. I told her we should separate. I'm living alone now for about 5-6 weeks. After she moved out I was looking for answers. I came across a webpage about personality disorders and when I read about BPD I knew that was it. I've since read "walking on eggshells" and i'm confident that BPD is what she has.

i'm stuggling with a lot. THoughts of regret, what I should have done, could have done better. Etc. My counselor says that BPD is curable (possibly) through intense DBT Therapy. THis information makes me feel like I've abandoned her even more... .which is tough... .Now, I don't think even DBT would help her, because her mother is the exact same way as she is. And if any progress was made, I think her mother would undo the progress.

I've filed for divorce. We don't have any kids so I guess that is a plus... .

I miss her a lot. There is no one like her. WHen things are good they are REALLY good. After reading the book, I know what I was experiencing wasn't quite real. The idealization phase of people with BPD is so magnetic. I felt so loved. So important. So good.

But she was tearing my life apart. I was and have been fighting a losing battle. She was isolating me from my family and some of my friends. It was such a no win situation. She kept insisting that my family was bad, mean, people who hated her, People who wanted me to be with someone else, etc etc.

There was no winning for them. Constant drama. She basically made me choose between having a good relationship with my family and her. (even though she doesn't realize, and wouldn't realize that that was what she was making me choose)

And that's another thing. BPD people in the book I read wrote that they realize something is wrong with them. She, in her heart of hearts, I know 100% that she really thinks that she's normal, and that her outrageous reactions to small things is totally justified.

Anyway, enough typing. I don't really know how I got here. Peace.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi there Cehlers55 

I am happy you found us.  I am sorry that you are having a difficult time adjusting.   It is hard when you have many different feelings of sadness, hurt, and regret all combined at the same time.

Like you I felt a lot of regret when my person with BPD left.  I thought I could have done more and the things I should have done. He even told me that I could have given him the world it still would not be enough and this is a problem he has.  I learned that there was nothing I could do.  I cannot change his behavior.  He is the only one that can change his behavior. 

I decided I could start working on myself.  You mentioned that you see a counselor.  I think that is great start in your process of healing. 

I can understand how the behavior from your wife can be really frustrating and confusing.  Many of pwBPD's behavior stem from their own intense feelings of self-loathing, shame, anger, hurt, and sadness.  Another core feature of pwBPD is fear of abandonment.  Similar to your wife, my bf would try to isolate me from family and friends.  He did this mainly because he was afraid I would leave him and he always said that he was a "bad person."  It is very hard for pwBPD to admit that they have a problem. 

Have you had a chance to read the lessons on the right side? 

[CloseToFreedom]

I know that feeling all too well. I'm gone for a month now and it starts hurting more and more. You are right, you fall in love with the fact that they need you so bad. That they want to do anything to be with you. Once you're molded in their hands enough, they start to hate everything about you. Its unsustanable.

But it hurts. it hurts a lot. We've all been there, I'm going through it now (again).

[cehlers55]

Thanks to you both. I haven't read that book yet. I'll get it.

Also, it's frustrating because in the 4 years i've known her she never would admit to anything being wrong with her. Like your BF admitted that anything you did wouldn't be enough. That would feel nice. Some kind of acknowledgement. My Ex wife has no idea why i left. And if asked I know she would either say "I don't know" or "because his family hated me for no reason" (which is BS)

Frustrating.