Family in denial about verbal abuse from BPB sibling

[treegoat]

hi everyone.

this is the first time writing on something like this, but i feel very alone right now and don't have anyone in real life to talk to at the moment.  i am pretty sure my mom and my sister have some level of high-functioning BPD.  when we were kids, my mom would rage at us for no reason, fling insults and other verbal abuse at us, and ground us for no reason, pretty regularly.  she had a serious temper.  Often called us "lousy, no good, rotten kids" (screaming it) as well as much worse.  My parents fought pretty regularly growing up, and my mom dominated.  My dad generally was passive/silent and did not stop her from her tirades against us (she also raged against him, pretty regularly).

at some point she calmed down, i believe through a combination of meds and therapy, and maybe just getting older, though she can still be extraordinarily moody, angry, and sarcastic.  she does lose her temper far less often than she used to.

my younger sister (i'm 30, she's 26) has always had very strong emotional responses.  she would throw frequent tantrums when we were kids and otherwise overreact to things.  i thought this was not normal even as a child, but my parents constantly told me she would grow out of it.  she continued to have these emotional problems (turning into losing her temper and saying unforgiveable things) to the present day.  apart from one DWI at age  20, she has not been in trouble with the law or had other significant public issues.  she graduated from a good college and is going to business school shortly. her emotional outbursts/rages are generally limited to the immediate family.  occasionally they have bled into other interactions but it's very rare, for example on a first date, my sister told the date that he was stupid and unambitious for his career choice after law school - the date was shocked, and my sister apologized later, realizing it was inappropriate. 

she has, at various (relatively frequent) times, lost her temper (at my mom, my dad, and me), screaming things such as "i'm glad your brother died" (to my mom, whose brother died of cancer) while in a rage.  my parents become angry about this but forgive her within around two days, tops.  when my sister and i fight (or my sister just lashes out at me), my mom alternates between raging at both of us and asking us to "just get along" and pretend to be happy.

my sister wanted to go on a trip to japan before business school.  i had some doubts about whether to go based on her past behavior, but my parents encouraged me to go with her, so we bought our plane tickets.  in trying to plan the trip, she has become enraged several times already.  just two nights ago, we were looking at an email from a friend of mine recommending places to stay in japan, and she thought my tone to her was condescending (just my tone, nothing i actually said).  i attempted to ask what was wrong, and she quickly lost her temper and cursed me out ( "___ you go to hell" and told me that i am "extremely difficult in everything i do" and that she " has bent over backwards" in accommodating me.  the only change we made for me on the trip was booking it in march instead of february, which the guidebooks universally recommended because the weather is better.  those are the only plans we have made, and she hasn't made any suggestions for the trip (so there's been nothing for me to reject).

tonight at dinner with my parents, she flew into a rage again in front of my parents where she became angry that my dad and i asked for a bite of a dessert that we were sharing as a table.  this turned into "you (I) always get everything you want," "you're turning mom and dad against me" and "i am so angry at you, at everything about you."  i did not say or do anything to cause this outburst. my parents were initially sympathetic but my parents, especially my mother, are now angry at both of us for fighting.  my mom cannot accept that my sister has problems that are not caused by my bad acts - she assumes that there must be something bad that i did to cause this - if not at dinner, something in the past. 

a bit about me - i moved across the country partly to get away from what seems to be a toxic family dynamic, i went to college and graduate school and i have been in therapy for about six months now.  my therapist suggested that my sister has BPD, and my dad (who is an MD) has told me he thought my mom has BPD many years ago. i have not been diagnosed with any mental health issues, though i do feel some anxiety, and i react with tears instead of rage and cry easily.  i never lose my temper, curse people out, or otherwise say unforgiveable things in a rage (like my mom and sister do).

if anyone has advice on how to deal with a sibling who does not think anything is wrong with them, probably has BPD, and blames everything on you (she is angry at me because "i am difficult in every way", i would love to hear it. also on how to deal with parents that are in denial about this condition.  my parents are very upset and, as i said, blame both of us for her rages even when they are not caused by anything i did wrong. i think i'll need to cancel the trip to japan, which will mean loss of about $300 and credit for the rest of the airfare - i can't handle this indiscriminate abuse that seems to come without warning, and so much anger.

i'm not even sure whether to keep visiting my parents - they, as i said, deal with the problem via anger at both of us, and whenever she is around, there is anger.  she is the only person i fight with besides an ex-boyfriend of mine. 

thanks for listening, everyone.  hope we all get the help and support we deserve as sufferers or family or friends.

[lost and found]

Hi treegoat,

I don't know that I can offer you any specific advice on how to work with your situation, but I can certainly offer you support and understanding. My mom and sister are both borderlines too. I can see a lot of similarities in what you've described with what I've seen in my own family.

I'm going to take a guess that your parents can't see and accept that your sister is the source of so much anger and conflict because then they would have to see that your mother was the original source of all of this conflict in your family. It sounds like your sister acts just the way your mother acted when you were growing up. Since your mom wouldn't take responsibility for how she abused the people around her with her anger, she's not going to see it when it's mirrored back to her through her daughter. It would get uncomfortably close to having to look at herself.

My sister was in college when I started to notice that her anger seemed out of proportion to whatever was happening. She's in her 40's now, and she has learned to use her anger to bully everyone around her into submission. She has spent little time in therapy and blames her circumstances and other people for most of her unhappiness, which gives her a reason to abuse them. Of course, most healthy people leave quickly.Then she feels unhappy, misunderstood, and the cycle continues.

I have found therapy to be very, very helpful. Having a therapist who understood borderline personality disorder and the way it plays out in the family made all the difference in the world to me. I also moved across the country and having some distance has helped a lot too.

Recognizing and dealing with mental illness in your family isn't easy. There are a lot of people here who can understand what you are struggling with. I wish you the very best.

[Change2014]

Hi treegoat, like the other poster, I don't really have the answers.  I can say that reading your post made me feel less alone because I have been dealing with a uBPD sister and uBPD mother.  My conflict with my sister has caused me a lot of anguish in the past 5 years.  Similar to what you describe, my sister rages at me, and basically hates me no matter how hard I try to win her over.  She always has a complaint and my parents do nothing.  Similar to your mom, my mom excuses my sister's behavior by saying that I must have done something to deserve it, even when my sister says horrible, abusive things.  Then if it happens in the presence of my parents my mom gets mad at both of us when it is clear that my sister is acting out of control.  My parents always expect more out of me, and treat me as responsible.  Yes, like you describe, it is extremely frustrating.  I can tell you that I tried to reason with my parents and explain what is going on in a calm fashion, even once with my husband present.  It didn't work.  I think my Dad gets it (like it sounds like your Dad does), but my Dad doesn't want to deal with the headache and doesn't want to do anything about my sister.  I bet your Dad doesn't want to deal with it either because it has probably been hard enough for him to be married to a BPD.  So, I had to accept that my parents were not going to protect me and that they were not going to get involved.  I think my parents answer to dealing with the last drama was to tell my sister not to come visit but that they will visit her.  So, it seems that my parents are going to see us separately now.  I think it is a bit sad and an easy way out, but at least it minimizes conflict.  Do you think your sister is jealous of you, or wants something that you have (doesn't have to be material)?  I think my sister has a lot of envy and it is easier to hate me.  All of this stuff is very painful and I know what you are talking about.  At least we have the capacity to have joy in our lives because I really think BPD people are just rotting on the inside.  It is a very sad way to live.  That is great that you are in therapy, and have a therapist that understands.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, treegoat, and 

As you can see, there are a lot of people here who understand what you are going through. There is often a great deal of denial and minimizing in families with PDs, so your family will probably not be able to understand or validate your experience. That does not mean you are wrong for seeing things the way you do or for feeling what you feel. I think it is good that you have taken the step to see a counselor, as that can be really helpful in seeing what is really going on.

You ask for advice in how to deal with your sister's BPD and your parents' denial. Looking after your boundaries will be vitally important. We have some good workshops on the subject; I found this one particularly helpful: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence. You do not have to accept responsibility for other people's "stuff." Even if your parents want to blame you for your sister's rages, you can choose not to accept that blame. You can decide that is an off-limits topic if you like, and let your relationship with your sister be independent of your relationship with your parents. There's lots of room for you to figure out what feels best to you.

Another thing that helped me was coming to realize that my family of origin is deeply invested in their denial and that I am not capable of convincing them to abandon it, no matter how reasonable or rational I am. They cling to it because they do not know how to survive without it--reality feels too threatening. I tried for years to get them to hear me, see me, understand me, to no avail. I was in a denial of my own, holding on to a fantasy that I could make them be different. So now I accept that they need to see the world--and me, and their relationship with me--the way they see it. I can see things the way I see them, and I do not need to justify myself or argue with them about which view is "right." They may never understand why I keep telling them no, they may see me as a crazy, cruel, mean, ungrateful, unforgiving, punitive daughter when I do... .and that is ok with me, because I know who I am and I do not need their approval to determine my value or validity as an adult. I hope you will keep taking care of you, too. Listen to yourself, honor yourself, especially when your family can't.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[GeekyGirl]

Hi treegoat,

I understand. It's so frustrating when you don't feel like you have the support of the rest of your family, and I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with your sister's behavior. At the same time, it's also understandable that you are torn about what to do, and I agree with PF Change that setting some boundaries would be very helpful.

if anyone has advice on how to deal with a sibling who does not think anything is wrong with them, probably has BPD, and blames everything on you (she is angry at me because "i am difficult in every way", i would love to hear it. also on how to deal with parents that are in denial about this condition. 

i'm not even sure whether to keep visiting my parents - they, as i said, deal with the problem via anger at both of us, and whenever she is around, there is anger.  she is the only person i fight with besides an ex-boyfriend of mine. 

What has worked successfully for me is to reiterate to everyone involved that our relationships are not all intertwined (when it comes up)--my relationship with my mother is between the two of us and has nothing to do with my brother, and vice versa. When one brings up the other, I reaffirm that barrier and gently remind them that I'm interested in the person I'm talking to, rather than what X thinks about Y.  What would happen if you suggest to your parents that your relationship with your sister is between the two of you?

I'm very glad to hear that you're in therapy--that has been a tremendous help as I've been working through my relationship with my BPD mother. Having someone to help you sort this out from a clinical perspective can help you really see things differently, and of course, there are many of us here who can relate to what you're going through. Hang in there. 

-GG