Hello everyone,
It's been a year of 'no contact' between me and my BPDex and this seems like a good time to reflect about what the past 12 months have been like for me.
Some background: I'm a lesbian who was in a relationship with an semi-diagnosed (the therapist told her it was 'PTSD' BPD woman for three months.
The first month of NC was really, really tough. When I was new on these boards, the question I kept asking was: "When does this get easier?" The answer is, not right away, but gradually, the pain eases. Like many others, I found comfort in getting involved with friends, fitness activities, and my own interests. I'm fortunate in that I already had a thriving yoga and meditation practice. I particularly found solace in music. I journal daily and that turned out to be an important tool for me for moving on.
My advice to you if you're new here is 'Take care of yourself' and then do it some more and even more and each time you feel drawn back into the maelstrome of your former relationship, bring the focus back to yourself, your needs, your growth. You're stronger than you know, and you'll get through this! You're important. Be kind to yourself!
The resources on this site were invaluable in helping me to understand and accept my former partner's BPD - accordingly, I've chipped in towards the operating expenses of the site (and I hope you'll also chip in, if the site has been helpful to you). I have deep gratitude for the bpdfamily, the moderators and everyone who helped me. A difficult life experience that could have been my undoing instead became an opportunity to learn and grow.
It was very difficult to let go of the dream of that BPD relationship, all of my hopes. I had a few go-to articles here on the site that were good 'reality checks' for me (the ones about 'detachment' and 'breaking up with a BPD' and 'lonely child', particularly). I was extremely fortunate that my former partner honoured my desire for NC. I never heard from her again. It was definitely easier not be be tempted to break NC when I wasn't receiving calls or messages.
After about three months, I started dating again. I met some good people, some no-so-good people and some entirely bizarre people!
! It was a good experience though, and I feel like it was positive for me to 'get out there.'
When I finally did get into another relationship, I did something that Skip and the moderators on here tell us *not* to do, so consider my experience a cautionary tale: I got involved with someone I met here on bpdfamily. After our relationship ended, this person posted an account of the relationship here on the boards. Although self-reflective, this post (and others' replies) was critical of me. I was devastated. It's the primary reason I no longer post messages here. Having felt under attack here on the boards, it's no longer a 'safe space' for me. I've learnt an important lesson from this.
I'm doing well now, feeling good about my life and I'm positive about the lessons that have come out of the past year. I have been NC with my BPDex for a year, but I was a bit curious to see what had become of her, so I got in touch with a mutual friend and asked for the scoop. Turns out, she's had *two* relationships since we broke up (they all seem to last around 3-5 months), she continues to have turbulent relationships with those close to her - both partners and friends. It was validating, to say the least!
I still miss her. I miss the hopes I had around that relationship. I was surprised by how sad I was on the one year 'anniversary' of the breakup. The mind tends to 'downplay' the negative parts of any experience. I was able to go back in my journal and read about my own pain and confusion and it refreshed my memory of how hard it really was. With the passage of time, I'm able to see the good as well as the bad.
On the plus side, my BPDex did an outstanding job of 'mirroring' exactly what I was looking for. I see that now as a gift. I'm taking that information and moving forward. I feel optimistic!
Again, many thanks to the moderators and to everyone who posts here.
Take care of one another
