My world just got really crazy

[sweetheart]

Hi all,

I have been posting on a separate thread but I wanted this to get as much immediate attention as it can - I'm thinking about posting in the legal section.

Anyway dBPDh has been more paranoid and unstable than usual since he was the victim of an unprovoked attack back in October.

His mental state has been unravelling since then with him spending large amounts of time isolating himself in the bedroom. He has been very brittle, paranoid and fearful for his safety outside the house.

He has often directed his paranoid thoughts at me through projections about me controlling and persecuting him. I am, unfortunately used to this and accept it for what it is, part of his illness. He has also been phoning his social worker and the mental health crisis line saying the same things about me, at length, as I have heard him on a number of occasions. It is really hard to hear but I figured they would know how to respond he's been involved with them for years and in times of increased stress always says the same stuff.

So fast forward to last week and a home visit from social worker and psychiatrist as h feeling unsafe in and outside house. Fearful for his safety, isolative behaviour, increased paranoia etc. They refer him to the Intensive Support Team for daily input pending voluntary admission. Each time they have come in his paranoia and disordered thinking have been evident but as they have left all this has again been redirected at me in the form of blame, denial of any problems saying I have been making things up to get rid of him. Yesterday I heard him on the phone seriously bad mouthing me to the nurses saying I was persecuting him, making out he was ill and on and on. Member of staff comes today, I can hear him saying the same stuff, goes on for about an hour. No mention of h shouting out the window at passersby to stop talking about him, belief that I am passing information to the service about his mental state.

Nurse leaves and I ask him if he felt better for having someone to discuss things with and he told me the nurse thinks there is nothing wrong with him, that he should record all conversations with me and did he want to be referred to Patient Protection Services because as a vulnerable person he is possibly being abused by his wife. WOW!

They believe him ! 

It took every ounce of strength not to pick up the phone and scream and shout down the phone at the member of staff. I know some of what h said must be true because I've never heard of the PPS before and I know my h hasn't either.

I don't know what to do really, he is ill, has little or no insight and I was hoping for support from the services not collusion.

Should I do nothing?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

What a horrible situation, Sweetheart.   

I had a similar situation with my BPDH mother, who I had moved hundreds of miles to a house near mine, so I could help her as dementia begin overtaking her abilities.

She threatened to run away, call the authorities on me, all sorts of issues. So I preemptively scheduled a meeting with someone from Adult Protective Services for all three of us, in her home. I wanted some documentation by an outside authority of the situation.

Fortunately nothing untoward occurred and I was never accused of elder abuse (as it was quite the contrary), but I was glad to have an outside observer truly see her in her element and get an overview of our relationship.

[sweetheart]

Thanks for the reply cat.

Do u know the crazy irony of the situation is that I asked his previous P to put in place adult safeguarding measures last year as he is so incredibly vulnerable when in the outside world. They said they would do it but it never got done. His lack of insight and awareness about his BPD is scary. He has been robbed twice and assaulted twice in the last year as he puts himself in risky situations with strangers. He thinks they are instant friends and makes really poor judgement calls. He is incredibly suggestable and quite a passive man.

I watched a video about validation recommended on here, it also talks about anosognosis, a lack of insight shared by many individuals with pervasive and enduring mental health conditions.  I figured mental health professionals would get it and help him work with his lack of insight, not collude with him. WRONG!

I know he is splitting me bad, service good, oh how I wish it was the other way around. I don't think I can carry on like this anymore I don't know how to navigate this, it feels scary and potentially serious.

I think my only option is to ask him to leave , I just don't know, how did it come to this ? I have to protect me and s6, he's my priority.

This feels so messy. I feel all over the place, I can't bring myself to speak to my h since this afternoon, which of course will make everything worse. I feel too angry it's hard to sit with it really hard.

[Cole]

Speaking as the SO of a BPDw I understand the hell you are dealing with and that you want to help your husband. I think the idea of contacting Adult Protective Services has merit. It would not hurt to call your local bar association and get the name of a good family law or probate attorney, either. They may be able to help you get the help you want for him and help you protect yourself. 

Speaking as a former Police Officer, please be careful for your safety and your son's. Paranoia causes people to do things we do not expect them to ever do.     

[howcanI?]

Sweetheart, my heart just sank into my stomach after reading what you're dealing with.  Several questions: are you absolutely CERTAIN he has all the outside folks snowed?  It sounds as though you're hearing HIS half of conversations, but not theirs, except as he reports back to you.  Sometimes it is a result of incompetence fueled by burnout and too many clients.  That would speak to a rank incompetence on their part that's truly horrifying to contemplate, although entirely possible!  I watched a brother with schizophrenia go through this gamut.  The apparent passiveness on the part of the pros had more to do with their legal inability to actual DO anything, as commitment cannot be pursued unless the person "poses an immediate harm to himself or others," which is by then too late!  Also, unless your SO has a signed permission form in place, HIIPA laws prevent them from being able to discuss things with you.

Who do you have in your world to be an advocate for YOU and your son?  Doctor, therapist, friend or family member familiar with the situation?  A lawyer is a must at this point, not only to look at material interests but protect you from false accusations as well!  And I agree with others here: be preemptive and proactive.  Call the PPS yourself to schedule an appointment.  Can you record some of the severe dysreg. surreptiously?  The point here is not to "get him" but to protect yourself and son.  I commend you for continuing to recognize that his sickness causes him to do these things.  I'm not sure I could be so charitable at this point.  This is hard stuff!  Whatever you decide, we are with you!

[sweetheart]

Cole thank you for such a measured response. That's great advice and I will start that process tomorrow.

The saddest thing is that my h has put a barricade against our bedroom door again because he feels unsafe, I have made them aware of this as I know he is really unwell at the moment. This is crazy making stuff. I would not hesitate to leave or involve the police if the situation were to escalate. Being with someone so often destabilised by the contrariness of the world has at least equipped me with lots of early warning signs.

[sweetheart]

Thank you howcanI?

I did give thought to the accuracy of my h account as when he is acutely unwell he lies, distorts and confabulates his version of all events. What I know for sure is he would have absolutely no idea about the PPS and after the visit he had a dictaphone by the bed. This is not usual behaviour for him, splitting, paranoia, blame, projection all are. For him to act in this way is usually a paranoid reaction to something someone has said. Had I realised that they would not be able to find a bed for him before Christmas and would then decide to visit and phone him daily, I would have gone away to my family. They have no idea how much stress they are putting him under every time they come into our home and it is someone different every time. I had no idea that they would believe his rantings about me I thought they would recognise it as part of his illness.

I think there is another agenda at play also, I complained earlier in the year about the lack of care my h had received after trying to kill himself and threatened to make their negligence public. We received a grovelling apology from the services but care has not improved. My h has been detainable on numerous occasions over the last year and the service has continued to do nothing. I really thought he would be admitted, but guess what they left the decision to him and he declined the bed because it wasn't local.

I have reasonable support from a T and I see a special care support worker for families with mental health issues. My son has an emotional support assistant that he uses as he needs through his school. I am upfront and honest with our son about his fathers illness which has helped him manage to be reasonably well adjusted The problem I am facing is that whenever an acute crisis occurs the service are not proactive and are leaving me with few options but to leave my marriage because I can't sort this and they are leaving us as a family to deal with it.

[sweetheart]

And yes can u believe because he was so scarily crazy last year after his P left I kept a log of every incident, every crazy delusional thing he said and did, every text message and phone call I sent his social worker asking for help and so on. I think reading the legal boards prompted me to it. Thank goodness.

[howcanI?]

Oh man, you would not believe how many spouses and families are left to deal with the same sorts of horrendous situations.  And it's so hard to figure out whose job is whose, especially when it seems like all the responsibility is shunted back to the caretaker asking for help!  Please do NOT think I was questioning the accuracy of your account - far from it!  You're right - the whole PPS and dictaphone thing sounds really hinky.  I'm glad you at least have some people in your corner!  Has your SO ever been violent towards you or your son?  Don't you just love when the experts allow the crazy people to decide if they are crazy or not?  We went through this so often with my schiz. brother, arguing with hospitals, legal system, prescribing docs., etc.  My mom finally became a professional fulltime advocate for the mentally ill.  She spends her days training prison wardens, cops, families, etc. to deal with this. But the system is definitely broken!  Keep in mind that the majority of docs/psychs. do not understand or recognize PDs and have no idea how to treat them!  Nothing you don't know... .

I'm sorry - one of my major failings is being too wordy.  Please just know that WE ALL understand the impossibility of this situation, and WE ALL know you are doing everything in your power to make this work, seemingly with little support from the "pros."  Please know I will hold you in my heart and wish I could do more!   hcI.

[sweetheart]

HowcanI? I didn't think for one minute you were questioning what I was saying and if you were that's fine too. Being called to account for our actions helps increase awareness

No my h has never been violent, threatening or abusive to my s6. I think because my h relationship with his father was so bad he has somehow managed to maintain only positive interactions with his son. That is not to say that our son has not witnessed and heard things that the vast majority of children will never be exposed to.

My h has threatened me verbally many years ago when I knew very little about dysregulation and put myself in harms way. He has also been verbally abusive, swearing and shouting at me. I thought I had to sit and listen to his rantings in order to help deescalate things. I no longer do any of these things, I am gone when I see the warning signs. I involve the police wherever necessary, I have absolutely no qualms about doing this at all.

My h is usually the biggest risk to himself, however if he is out and about dysregulated then members of the public are also at risk. There have been a number of unprovoked threats to members of the public over the last year and he has a past history of violent crime. My dilemma is that mental health services are aware of all of this and are not doing their jobs properly and are putting me and my son at risk from their inaction. If it continues I will be left with no choice but to leave our marriage and live seperately from my h.

So I found a legal advice centre and I qualify for legal aid on the grounds of risk of harm and possibly human rights violation ( in relation to what the services are doing )They are not open until the New Year, but Cole gave some sound advice which I intend to follow. As from today I intend to document everything very carefully. Do you know yesterday I really felt like I was the crazy one.

I had to smile at the experience your mum had, I am looking into mental health advocate training as a result of my husbands treatment by the service this last 18months. I didn't think it was possible for someone as ill as my h has been to be left walking the streets. It has been absolutely heartbreaking to witness the levels of distress he has been left in. Yes the system is broken beyond repair unfortunately we are a living testament to it.

[Cat Familiar]

Sweetheart, I hope things are calming down for you and that your husband will soon qualify for a hospital bed. At this point, all evidence points in the direction of you needing to establish some personal space for yourself and your son away from your husband until, and if, he can be stabilized so that he is no longer such a disruptive influence in your lives.