Ive come to an extremely Important conclusion

[jammo1989]

Right, I think ive just had a eureka moment, I think I finally realize why BPDs charm, they want us to be there for them emotionally but kept at a distance.  A NON would take "Be there emotionally* as somewhat physical interaction as well, not necessarily just sexual.  For example, my ex always used to speak so highly of a man she thinks is her biological father (hes not on her birth certificate) but when ever she would speak to him on FT or Skype, she could physically see him but he was always emotionally cold and somewhat distant towards her.  So just my 2 cents, when they reach out to us after NC, I don't think its because they want to re renter the past in a relationship status, but simply to know whether or not we are still emotionally involved with them.  They are in a constant need for validation, and by simply letting them no you are still available via contact she then gets to kill 2 birds with one stone, be with our replacements while communicating with us, its almost like a double layer of protection in case one of them doesn't work out.  Like I said just my opinion.    

[fromheeltoheal]

You're digging jammo, and good for you!  Here's some more:

Think attachments with borderlines.  An attachment is someone to psychically fuse with to become 'whole', since a borderline does not have a fully formed self of their own.  Problem is, once they attach, there's a risk of getting too close and 'losing themselves' in the other person, becoming engulfed it's termed.  So those two forces, abandonment and engulfment, set up the push/pull we're familiar with: get too far away, feel abandoned, pull back, get too close, feel engulfed, push away, the only contentment for a borderline being on the fence between the two, short lived and the fence is always moving.  That's also why borderlines need to be in control in the relationship, so they can regulate how close or how far their attachment is.  My ex loved texting: texting is a way to stay connected, attached, but at arms length, which is only confusing for us when we read more into it than is there, read between the lines and populate it with our own fantasy of what the relationship is, when the borderline's experience is radically different.

[myself]

My ex, in her own words, was pretty much constantly testing me to prove myself to her. She'd pull away and expect me to chase, even though being chased often made her pull away even more. When I stopped chasing her/trying to win her back, she'd slowly come back around, but in a way that was just playing the game in reverse. So I became very still. Focused on who I am, not who she thought I should be. I had to face the facts of today, not remain stuck in the daydreams of yesterday and tomorrow. If she could be with me, great, I was all for it. If she felt to attack, flee, whatever, I watched her disappear. Acceptance is acceptance even while painful.

I asked her many times how she could doubt my love for her, my friendship. Hadn't I already proved myself enough? Couldn't she trust me, count on me, etc.? I realized while being still that she can't be still herself. It's constant motion in there, running both towards and away from. Feeling like you're being persecuted by those kinds of phantoms seems incredibly confusing and exhausting. In the end, the less I chased her the more she probably found someone else to do it. That's the pattern. Needs are needs.

She's tried again, to be personally validated by me since saying goodbye, but to me it's like she cancelled her subscription to being in my life so she's going to have to get those needs met elsewhere. That's what she chose. Erase me? OK, I'm erased to you. Didn't change my love and concern for her, but it put an end to the revolving door between us. I've let go.

[jammo1989]

You're digging jammo, and good for you!  Here's some more:

Think attachments with borderlines.  An attachment is someone to psychically fuse with to become 'whole', since a borderline does not have a fully formed self of their own.  Problem is, once they attach, there's a risk of getting too close and 'losing themselves' in the other person, becoming engulfed it's termed.  So those two forces, abandonment and engulfment, set up the push/pull we're familiar with: get too far away, feel abandoned, pull back, get too close, feel engulfed, push away, the only contentment for a borderline being on the fence between the two, short lived and the fence is always moving.  That's also why borderlines need to be in control in the relationship, so they can regulate how close or how far their attachment is.  My ex loved texting: texting is a way to stay connected, attached, but at arms length, which is only confusing for us when we read more into it than is there, read between the lines and populate it with our own fantasy of what the relationship is, when the borderline's experience is radically different.

Im trying Heels, Its so strange, some days I can write some great in depth things regarding BPD whether its giving advice or just to demonstrate my understanding, but others days I miss her to the point where Im asking the questions I usually have my own answers for.  I miss her, I really do, and sometimes I think to myself "Was it really that bad"? when I know deep down it really was that bad.  Would also like to say thank you for your great advice over these past few months very in depth you've taught me a lot!   

[jammo1989]

My ex, in her own words, was pretty much constantly testing me to prove myself to her. She'd pull away and expect me to chase, even though being chased often made her pull away even more. When I stopped chasing her/trying to win her back, she'd slowly come back around, but in a way that was just playing the game in reverse. So I became very still. Focused on who I am, not who she thought I should be. I had to face the facts of today, not remain stuck in the daydreams of yesterday and tomorrow. If she could be with me, great, I was all for it. If she felt to attack, flee, whatever, I watched her disappear. Acceptance is acceptance even while painful.

I asked her many times how she could doubt my love for her, my friendship. Hadn't I already proved myself enough? Couldn't she trust me, count on me, etc.? I realized while being still that she can't be still herself. It's constant motion in there, running both towards and away from. Feeling like you're being persecuted by those kinds of phantoms seems incredibly confusing and exhausting. In the end, the less I chased her the more she probably found someone else to do it. That's the pattern. Needs are needs.

She's tried again, to be personally validated by me since saying goodbye, but to me it's like she cancelled her subscription to being in my life so she's going to have to get those needs met elsewhere. That's what she chose. Erase me? OK, I'm erased to you. Didn't change my love and concern for her, but it put an end to the revolving door between us. I've let go.

I think the best way to look at all this is long term, they may go through 2-3 men before I find another woman, but the point is I can see where their life is headed and trust me its way more likely to decline than ours is.  Her mum is a heroine addict, has nobody apart from her drug buddies, shes in her 40s but looks like shes in her 60s, no job, on a crazy amount of medication and suffers from Bronchitis, it seems a very lonely life for a BPD once they have aged.