withstood a barrage ... AND LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT...

[4kidz]

Somehow I withstood a barrage over the weekend. We were having a nice day together, stopped at a resaurant were having a normal, nice dinner and conversation when I triggered her with something that I innocently said. Didnt realize it at the time ... However on the drive home the trigger showed its ugly face in a big way. How the anger and the degree of anger towards me somehow took me by complete surprise ( I know it should no longer surprise me). Anyhow as hard as it was , I validated and validated and refused to take things personally. Only through the support/coaching I receive here was it possible. Not easy to say the least but possible. Thankfully we were forced to take a break from the conversation for 1/2 an hour. I asked her if we could resume the conversation and it was like dealing with another person. She was calm and actualy listened and responded in a placid way... I guess my point is that all of this reading and trying to understand the illness really helped the other night. Now I am not naive enough to think all is well but ever since then she has actually lightened up ( a bit ) on the excrutiating silent treatment of the past few months. I will take what I can get and keep moving along with hope and faith...  

       Happy New Year to everyone. Thank you all for your support... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

That is great, 4kidz 

The positive reinforcement we, ourselves, feel when communication becomes easier by using the tools we learn here, can really go a long way to keeping us on that new path.

Thank you for telling us... .How are things today?

Are you finding using the skills any easier, now that you saw a positive result?

I know it only took me one time of dealing with my adult (37) BPD son this way to make me change my communication techniques forever 

I'm a sucker for positive reinforcement 

[joshbjoshb]

I can so feel what you say I also stood a barrage, just now, and survived to tell it feels good, doesn't it?

I guess it depends how long you are here for, and how much work you did on yourself. I won't be surprised even if my wife will accuse me of the SONY hack. If she tell me I cause her the worst things in the world... .she had already said things pretty close to that

[4kidz]

things are up and down ( what a surprise) I still get the silent treatment for the most part. She goes out most of the time after work. we typically see each other 2 nights a week and make plans to do something together. Surpisingly she initiated a call to me Monday morning to wish me a good day. It felt really good. I had hope that she would loosen up. Not to be... Ooutside the 2 nights we make plans I am basically ignored in the household. If I do not approach her there would be very little dialogue. But I am determined to work on myself, keep working on the tools I am learning here and trying to keep a positive spin on my wifes treatment of me.

     lastly- it felt great to validate , depersonalize and survive another attack... .

[ColdEthyl]

things are up and down ( what a surprise) I still get the silent treatment for the most part. She goes out most of the time after work. we typically see each other 2 nights a week and make plans to do something together. Surpisingly she initiated a call to me Monday morning to wish me a good day. It felt really good. I had hope that she would loosen up. Not to be... Ooutside the 2 nights we make plans I am basically ignored in the household. If I do not approach her there would be very little dialogue. But I am determined to work on myself, keep working on the tools I am learning here and trying to keep a positive spin on my wifes treatment of me.

     lastly- it felt great to validate , depersonalize and survive another attack... .

I'm glad the tools have given you some relief! It's a slow road, but the more you work the tools, the more they work for you and for THEM Try to remember her treatment of you is not a statement about YOU, it's a statement about HER errored thinking patterns.

[4kidz]

thanks for the encouragement... Part of why it is so confusing/upsetting is that all of the dysregulation, silent treatment etc is aimed at me. She seems so normal with everybody else... .

[ColdEthyl]

thanks for the encouragement... Part of why it is so confusing/upsetting is that all of the dysregulation, silent treatment etc is aimed at me. She seems so normal with everybody else... .

They hurt the ones closest to them and the ones they love the most. Their perceptions are wonky... .they are unearthly afraid of what outside people think of them, but the inside people get the full view since they can't hide it 24/7.

[formflier]

when I triggered her with something that I innocently said.

4kidz,

Seems like you did a good job with this. 

One thing I would point out... .the way we write... .speak and carry ourselves reflects how we really think of ourselves.

I would hope you would do some thinking about if your quote above is accurate. 

My suggestion:  You didn't trigger her... .she was triggered.  If it was you that "did it"... .I can see a thought process that says it was your fault... .you should be better.

So... .I can see in some cases... where something is said that would trigger anyone... .well... .in that case... .taking ownership or fault is appropriate. 

Hope this gets you thinking about a few things... .

Again... .good job working the tools... .taking a break... .and coming back to the convo...

[4kidz]

what I said would not have triggered most people. thanks for pointing out the difference...

[formflier]

what I said would not have triggered most people. thanks for pointing out the difference...

Can you share exactly what was said?  And exactly her response?

We may be able to "tune up" your validation efforts some.

[4kidz]

my trigger was that I told her that I was willing to try and do whatever I can to be able to travel with her. I suffer from extreme motion sickness which hampers, but does NOT eliminate my ability to travel. For years we have travelled together and every time I battle thtough the nausea and other discomforts associated with motion sickness and try my best to  keep up and not complain. Instead of receiving any sympathy my wife views as it a hinderance to her having a good time and this limits the enjoyment or travelling together. I have learned to accept that . Dont necessarily believe its loving but it is what it is. Last year she travelled with her daughter instead of me. They had a nice time, I had no problem with it and was happy for them. Anyhow we are now at a point where our marriage is struggling and we seem to be hanging on by a thread. I told her I would see drs to do whatever I could to be able to travel and help heal our relationship. She read it in a way that I cannot really be sure of. All I can say is that from that point on the conversation took a turn for the worse. In a big way! Validated, validated and validated some more. Tried like heck to not personalize the attack...   Any thoughts on what I was/am up against would be appreciated...

[formflier]

 

I think I have some ideas here... .thanks for the explanation.

So... .your marriage is hanging by a thread... .(for sake of argument... I'm accepting that as true)

Travelling together helps heal this... .how?

After getting a couple questions answered... .I think I'll have a better opinion about why she did... .what she did.