Very dark place tonight - push pull driving me over the edge

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In a relationship with uBPDbf for three years. Although undiagnosed he was once committed for 72 hours, which also resulted in his ex wife filing for divorce at the time. Apparently he was extremely disregulalted at the time, went to the ER complaining of something very delusional, so the doc sectioned him. He also has, on off, narc traits. When he paints people black he goes deep narc, and he can keep it up to for some time, then he comes back to normal and he can be a very nice normal person for extended periods of time. He seems to have a cycle with this. I once made a spreadsheet and mapped his cycle and showed it to him. He thought it was funny. He was ina good space at the time and in general this year he has been a bit easier to deal with. BUT... .and here comes the but... .we are in a long distance relationship. He moved to another state 4 months after we started dating, after a 2 year friendship prior. We were engaged at the time, and he annd I had a fight, he U-turned, did a 180, silent treatment for 2 weeks, after which he comes back but tells me he was moving out of state to be with his son, as his ex got a job out of state. The truth is he could have vetoed this move, but agreed to it because he was angry with me. And so it is that 2.5 years ago, he changed the course of our lives.

Since then there have been two engagements, all broken off by him, with various excuses. All after fights he created and then withdrew into silent treatment. Three times, plans to move were agreed upon and then derailed by him last minute. One very painful break up 18 months ago, after which he claims he missed me and we got back together after about three months apart. This year our relationship made a shift for the better. We had a relatively peaceful ok long stretch, which felt like a normal relationship for many months. However I was not visiting him much during this time. Me here, him there, a couple short visits. Lots of skype video and text, every day, several hours a day.

Fast forward to thanskgiving. He disappears. For three days he unplugs skype phone, any ways by which I could reach him. Which set off such a strong anger in me after a couple of days of silence, that I felt I almost went crazy for half a day. I was enraged that he would do this for thanksgiving. Not even send me a text to say hey I am checking out. I had taken 4 days off to rest from stressful job/ for  my health and by the end of day 4 I was a wreck. He eventaully did come around and claimed he was having a hard time. But he literally allowed my calls to go to voicemail and then switched his phone off, to block me out. I was so angry that someone I love could treat me like a crazy stalker at thanksgiving. And in some ways he pushed me into a space where I felt like the crazy girlfriend. Even if that is not my usual MO. Anyway, the whole event left me feeling completely wioped out, physically, emotionally, nervous system fried.

Fast forward to now. For months its been on the cards that I was going to go stay for Xmas for three weeks. However around thanksgiving he started complaining that he has no money and not a good time for me to visit. He needs to work, his business not going good, etc. However he was doing fine till just a few weeks ago and to me this feels like catastrophic thinking that he is amping up because he is as usual anxious about me going. However I have been to stay with him before when he is in this mode and he can get very cold and nasty. So I decided to tell him, ok, have the time, Xmas, do your work, we get together after Xmas, in January. However then I found out his mother is going to be staying with him for 2 weeks. So there is no way he will be working then. And that he booking January work trips that require money and that he is doing this fine. So it suddenly all felt very personal. And he looked very relaxed after my choosing to give him time to work, like he had dodged a bullet. The whole thing really hurt my feelings. And I have been crying for two days. I feel like I am losing my mind, because up until now, since August he has been the near perfect boyfriend, then I am about to visit and here we go again with the crazy behavior. I know I should know better that this leopard will never change his spots. But each time I fall for it, think something has changed and it has not. And somehow he now looks sane and happy and I am a wreck and feeling like I am losing the my mind and like I am dying from the pain. Somehow knowing that he will spend the holidays, which we usually spend together, with his mom and his son, with me here alone, is too much for me to handle. And I feel like I was tricked into being the better person and giving him this time.

The dark night of the soul is this - i feel like I am barely holding my sanity together. Maybe its just stress and my nervous system crashing. I suffer from adrenal issues and this relationship has had a serious impact on my already fragile health. But I had a moment tonight where I felt so much pain I thought I may not be able to breathe, think, recover. I am crying at the grocery store, crying at home, feeling cold and shakey, and kind of in emotional shock, and all this over a visit I voluntarily opted out of. But feeling like cinderella, being left out. Something about my inner child here got majorly triggered by all this. I have not been able to have a sane conversation with him, past 24 hours, I have just told him I am not doing well and need to withdraw. But then I know that historically when I withdraw he takes it personally and may even start another round of silent treatment. Which I cannot handle right now. So its this strange space of feeling trapped between knowing I need some time to heal and knowing if I take that time I may get slammed even harder, that is actually sending me into a space of slight crazy panic.

Do any of you ever feel that these relationships go through phases where your own sanity starts to go out of the window? That its all just too much and you just want to hide under a blanket and never come back out? That you start to be have like a wounded frightened child yourselves? I am so emotionally tired right now.  Cant think straight, trying to relax, come back to center. Also trying to come to terms that this is how it is always going to be. This man loves me in his way, but he just cannot overcome his fear of intimacy, engulfment, commitment, all that jazz. We always get to the brink of full commitment (we were again talking of getting married) and then he backs away. Every time I so hurt when this happens and yet I keep thinking he is shifting, when he is not. Its just another cycle in the pattern. So hard all this. How will I ever get out of this. Every time I try to pull away he switches the love back on and reels me back in. I feel like a complete sucker.

Anyway now I have be ok with doing xmas alone while he is with his family. Its very painful for me. I am thinking maybe I need to ask for a break and for us to reconvene after the holidays. No talking so at least I can recover. And yet if I ask for this, he may disregulate even further, feel abandoned and end the relationship. Rock and hard place. I feel so overwhelmed right now.

I hope this ramble makes sense. Maybe this is what people mean by catching the fleas as I am feeling disregulalted myself right now and not in a good place.

Thank you for listening.

PS> Btw I am very embarrassed that I have stayed in this for this many rounds. The bad when it is bad is so bad. But when its straightens out it can be good for two three months at a time. Its like being in two different relationships, one is normal and the other is crazily dysfunctional. Its like being in a relationship with two different people, who switch when something gets triggered. Its a very exhausting and disheartening dynamic.

[Ridingthewaves]

In a relationship with uBPDbf for three years. Although undiagnosed he was once committed for 72 hours, which also resulted in his ex wife filing for divorce at the time. Apparently he was extremely disregulalted at the time, went to the ER complaining of something very delusional, so the doc sectioned him. He also has, on off, narc traits. When he paints people black he goes deep narc, and he can keep it up to for some time, then he comes back to normal and he can be a very nice normal person for extended periods of time. He seems to have a cycle with this. I once made a spreadsheet and mapped his cycle and showed it to him. He thought it was funny. He was ina good space at the time and in general this year he has been a bit easier to deal with. BUT... .and here comes the but... .we are in a long distance relationship. He moved to another state 4 months after we started dating, after a 2 year friendship prior. We were engaged at the time, and he annd I had a fight, he U-turned, did a 180, silent treatment for 2 weeks, after which he comes back but tells me he was moving out of state to be with his son, as his ex got a job out of state. The truth is he could have vetoed this move, but agreed to it because he was angry with me. And so it is that 2.5 years ago, he changed the course of our lives.

Since then there have been two engagements, all broken off by him, with various excuses. All after fights he created and then withdrew into silent treatment. Three times, plans to move were agreed upon and then derailed by him last minute. One very painful break up 18 months ago, after which he claims he missed me and we got back together after about three months apart. This year our relationship made a shift for the better. We had a relatively peaceful ok long stretch, which felt like a normal relationship for many months. However I was not visiting him much during this time. Me here, him there, a couple short visits. Lots of skype video and text, every day, several hours a day.

Fast forward to thanskgiving. He disappears. For three days he unplugs skype phone, any ways by which I could reach him. Which set off such a strong anger in me after a couple of days of silence, that I felt I almost went crazy for half a day. I was enraged that he would do this for thanksgiving. Not even send me a text to say hey I am checking out. I had taken 4 days off to rest from stressful job/ for  my health and by the end of day 4 I was a wreck. He eventaully did come around and claimed he was having a hard time. But he literally allowed my calls to go to voicemail and then switched his phone off, to block me out. I was so angry that someone I love could treat me like a crazy stalker at thanksgiving. And in some ways he pushed me into a space where I felt like the crazy girlfriend. Even if that is not my usual MO. Anyway, the whole event left me feeling completely wioped out, physically, emotionally, nervous system fried.

Fast forward to now. For months its been on the cards that I was going to go stay for Xmas for three weeks. However around thanksgiving he started complaining that he has no money and not a good time for me to visit. He needs to work, his business not going good, etc. However he was doing fine till just a few weeks ago and to me this feels like catastrophic thinking that he is amping up because he is as usual anxious about me going. However I have been to stay with him before when he is in this mode and he can get very cold and nasty. So I decided to tell him, ok, have the time, Xmas, do your work, we get together after Xmas, in January. However then I found out his mother is going to be staying with him for 2 weeks. So there is no way he will be working then. And that he booking January work trips that require money and that he is doing this fine. So it suddenly all felt very personal. And he looked very relaxed after my choosing to give him time to work, like he had dodged a bullet. The whole thing really hurt my feelings. And I have been crying for two days. I feel like I am losing my mind, because up until now, since August he has been the near perfect boyfriend, then I am about to visit and here we go again with the crazy behavior. I know I should know better that this leopard will never change his spots. But each time I fall for it, think something has changed and it has not. And somehow he now looks sane and happy and I am a wreck and feeling like I am losing the my mind and like I am dying from the pain. Somehow knowing that he will spend the holidays, which we usually spend together, with his mom and his son, with me here alone, is too much for me to handle. And I feel like I was tricked into being the better person and giving him this time.

The dark night of the soul is this - i feel like I am barely holding my sanity together. Maybe its just stress and my nervous system crashing. I suffer from adrenal issues and this relationship has had a serious impact on my already fragile health. But I had a moment tonight where I felt so much pain I thought I may not be able to breathe, think, recover. I am crying at the grocery store, crying at home, feeling cold and shakey, and kind of in emotional shock, and all this over a visit I voluntarily opted out of. But feeling like cinderella, being left out. Something about my inner child here got majorly triggered by all this. I have not been able to have a sane conversation with him, past 24 hours, I have just told him I am not doing well and need to withdraw. But then I know that historically when I withdraw he takes it personally and may even start another round of silent treatment. Which I cannot handle right now. So its this strange space of feeling trapped between knowing I need some time to heal and knowing if I take that time I may get slammed even harder, that is actually sending me into a space of slight crazy panic.

Do any of you ever feel that these relationships go through phases where your own sanity starts to go out of the window? That its all just too much and you just want to hide under a blanket and never come back out? That you start to be have like a wounded frightened child yourselves? I am so emotionally tired right now.  Cant think straight, trying to relax, come back to center. Also trying to come to terms that this is how it is always going to be. This man loves me in his way, but he just cannot overcome his fear of intimacy, engulfment, commitment, all that jazz. We always get to the brink of full commitment (we were again talking of getting married) and then he backs away. Every time I so hurt when this happens and yet I keep thinking he is shifting, when he is not. Its just another cycle in the pattern. So hard all this. How will I ever get out of this. Every time I try to pull away he switches the love back on and reels me back in. I feel like a complete sucker.

Anyway now I have be ok with doing xmas alone while he is with his family. Its very painful for me. I am thinking maybe I need to ask for a break and for us to reconvene after the holidays. No talking so at least I can recover. And yet if I ask for this, he may disregulate even further, feel abandoned and end the relationship. Rock and hard place. I feel so overwhelmed right now.

I hope this ramble makes sense. Maybe this is what people mean by catching the fleas as I am feeling disregulalted myself right now and not in a good place.

Thank you for listening.

PS> Btw I am very embarrassed that I have stayed in this for this many rounds. The bad when it is bad is so bad. But when its straightens out it can be good for two three months at a time. Its like being in two different relationships, one is normal and the other is crazily dysfunctional. Its like being in a relationship with two different people, who switch when something gets triggered. Its a very exhausting and disheartening dynamic.

[maxen]

hi ridingthewaves. you sound deeply enmeshed in your relationship, as you pretty well acknowledge yourself. you speak of the relationship giving you anger, loneliness, exhaustion. if your bf does have BPD and does not take seriously his own behavior patterns, you can look forward to more of the same. do you have friends or a therapist you can talk this out with? is this:

The bad when it is bad is so bad. But when its straightens out it can be good for two three months at a time.

enough for you? i don't want to advocate one way or the other, but to start, have you read through the Choosing a Path lessons on the right hand side of this page?

[Ridingthewaves]

Thank you Maxen, I was in a very dark place last night, feeling more back to my normal self today and thinking things through and my life and where all of this is going. In the meantime, taking a break from the relationship while I heal, recharge and get some prospective on all this. The suggested reading - had not sen it on the side - yes, that helps. I guess I am on the "stop the bleeding" step right now. I have an old therapist I worked with some years ago that I am trying to reconnect with right now. Friends - I have good ones, but they are all getting sick of hearing about this story and I am getting sick of telling it. So therapist is the way to go.

Thank you for responding - so much drama gets whipped up in these exchanges. Stepping away from it all for a while will at least let my nerves and emotions settle enough to think clearly.

[Henry II]

 I think you have answered you own questions. This is a relationship that he wants to control and in fact is. You love him but you cannot control him, only yorself.

f you read about the longterm RS on here you will see you are in for that ride the rest of the time you are with him. I wish I could break up myself and if my W was able to take care of herself it would be easier to walk.

Take care of youself first. Hook up with your friends and family and don't talk about your RS. Have some fun.

[Ridingthewaves]

Just letting people know that I now do have a therapist and I start after Christmas. Also relationship seems to have dropped off, we have not broken up officially but communication has just stopped. In two weeks we have spoken briefly twice and each time it ended in a fight. The love is still there from both sides but seems that the energy between us now just explodes whenever we talk. Last week I was very upset, but past few days I have broken through into a very calm and centered space and remembering who I was before all this started 3 years ago. I realize now that I have been making myself small and non threatening so as to keep the peace, but that there is a strong part of me that without having to tip toe around very rude and disrespectful treatment every day, is coming back to life. My self esteem is rising and I am feeling happy. My body feels calmer and healthier too and last night I had the first peaceful sleep I have had in months. I actually woke up feeling rested, what a concept. I am also finding that I am missing him but daydreaming about a new future. Its like a cloud has lifted and rays of sunshine are coming in, showing me new possibilities. I was so dreading the end of this relationship, as the pain when we broke up last year was so severe, but I must have shifted something inside, as I am feeling very different about things, almost happy and free. Now just have to be mindful of the inevitable "charm" when he realizes that I am no longer trying to pull him back. Thank you for all that advised helped and supported. I was at an all time low when I wrote this post. I never want to hit that kind of low again.

[maxen]

it's great that you're starting with a T, Ridingthewaves. the therapy work itself is very important, but it's also a comfort just to know you have someone there, someone to talk it out with regularly.

My body feels calmer and healthier too and last night I had the first peaceful sleep I have had in months. I actually woke up feeling rested, what a concept.

this is a very important indicator. how's your blood pressure?

and feeling rested is great, isn't it!

[Ridingthewaves]

Blood pressure is ok. Adrenals feel a bit more normal, tired but not jumping out of my skin like last week. The stress of this relationship, in its bad patches, was literally killing me. My heart is sad, but my body is happy right now. And not as sad as I could be. Very grateful that for now I am feeling calm and not as devastated as I thought I would be. Therapy starts in a week and yes, happy to have someone help me with post mortem, but also in helping me through the abandonment stuff, so I dont attract a relationship of this kind again. Being with someone one loves so much that ends up hurting so much, is not fun.

[Siamese Rescue]

Thank you for sharing your original post. It describes the horror of my life to a tee. My BPD bf and I exploded yesterday and I'm in an empty horrible place. His cycles match what you describe and it causes me tremendous stress. I could no longer ignore his cheating and my actions made me look like the crazy person yesterday. He's so believable and I'm a crumbled mess. The push pull is horrible and the lying is worse. I wish I had never met him 8 1/2 years ago... .Oh and the chronic stress I believe is what caused me the cancer I am now recovering from... .The emotional pain is the worst...

[Ridingthewaves]

I am afraid to say I got sucked into another round of the crazy vortex. He puled me back in saying he was sorry and then dissapeared in another round of silent treatment. Come close so I can slap you routine.

I am now back to feeling crazy frustrated. My peace is gone.

I have to get myself out of this or this man will ruin my life. Appointment with therapist, beginning of January. Have to go back to peace, not respond to hooks.

This guy confuses the hell out my head as he does not respond like normal people would and I am an idiot because I keep expecting for things to be normal and they are just not. Need to be more guarded and not believe him when he seems sincere. I should have learned by now  :'(

Want to take bets that as soon as I get back to peace and detachment, he shows back up again with another round of BS? Need to get neutral to this somehow.

Life should not have to be this darn hard :'( :'( :'(

[maxen]

you're right, Riding, life shouldn't be this hard. and i'd wager everyone here has had relapses. last summer i did things which at the time seemed to have promise but in retrospect looked like nothing but walking directly into a buzzsaw. i knew at some elemental level that i had to stop doing that. i don't credit myself with great strength, i just didn't walk again into a buzzsaw. it's not what i did, but what i didn't do.

again i hope the therapy works out for you. if it goes right even the first session can be a tremendous relief, just doing it at all.

[Ridingthewaves]

I broke up with him yesterday morning. I sent him an email as he wont pick up the phone and called it off. Five minutes later he was on Facebook posting how great he is feeling after a month of chaos and about a dream he had about being young and ripped - fishing for compliments from the women on there of which there are many. They all look up to him and think he is this great guy. And he is a great guy in many respects, but the stunts he pulls in relationships - lets just say if any of these women latch onto his hook, they will have a rude awakening.

I was so angry after seeing that - not just because of how fast he switched into hook another woman gear - but because he is telling himself this month of chaos "happened to him". I am assuming he thinks I created it? Whatever you need to tell yourself dude. I sent him a sharp personal message and called him out on being a coward, for putting me through a month of hell and then acting as if this is exactly what he wanted all along. Which btw I dont believe is the case. I think this is just a story he is telling himself and his harem, so that he can feel ok about how things turned out.

He read the message and did not reply. Which tells me all I need to know.

So... .I have blocked him from social media now. Amazingly I dont have too harsh feelings about it. Its like... .it had to happen at some point. And I need to move on with my life. This story has been taking up too much of my energy. And its not going anywhere... So its over, so be it. Maybe I will feel differently in a few days when shock wears off, but for now doing ok.

One thing is constant... .I feel calmer and still when out of this game. I have so much to do. I have my dissertation to finish, some books I need to write and many creative things that have been put on hold. I am going to immerse myself in these things and do my best to move on this time.

A friend of mine said to me " He wore out all your nobs" - I think I have gotten to a place where I actually feel detached, like I am watching a movie, knowing I have seen it already 100 times. SO there is a predictability to all this and a sense of resignation kicking in - sad this is happening, but inevitable - so just let it be.

Walking into a buzzsaw sounds about right. Tired of doing that to myself. I want a better life.

And btw I loved this man so much. I loved him despite all he put me through and I still do. I thought he would be my husband and my man for the rest of my life. But it was not meant to be. I love him still and if I allow it, I can still be roped in. But the hope is gone that anything will ever be different. The love is still there but the hope has died. Thats really it in a nutshell.

And thank you Maxen for responding, your presence is very grounding and reassuring. The feedback has been much appreciated and helpful. Especially when I first started, that question from you" is this enough for you?" really helped me clarify things.

[ucmeicu2]

hi ridingthewaves, oh yes absolutely i remember being where you are.  i felt like i might die without her. my xBPDgf.  the problem is that eventually i also began to get horrifying glimmers of awareness that i might also die with her.  or because of her.       yet i stayed, or kept fighting to get back.   that was major    that i was in grave danger.  just as you are.

you know, you just can't expect to find "the cure" in "the cause".  your hopeless, depressed, brink-of-insanity feeling is caused by being in relationship/contact with your BPDbf.  therefore, you will never find relief or resolve by him, with him, through him, or because of him.  in any way.

plz ridingthewaves, plz follow your inner compass, that inner voice, that may be faint right now but it's still there.  do the right thing.  the right thing is to save yourself.  and you are the only one that can do it.  it comes from within just as everything does... .even our suffering.


icu2

Do any of you ever feel that these relationships go through phases where your own sanity starts to go out of the window? That its all just too much and you just want to hide under a blanket and never come back out? That you start to be have like a wounded frightened child yourselves? I am so emotionally tired right now.  Cant think straight, trying to relax, come back to center. Also trying to come to terms that this is how it is always going to be. This man loves me in his way, but he just cannot overcome his fear of intimacy, engulfment, commitment, all that jazz. We always get to the brink of full commitment (we were again talking of getting married) and then he backs away. Every time I so hurt when this happens and yet I keep thinking he is shifting, when he is not. Its just another cycle in the pattern. So hard all this. How will I ever get out of this. Every time I try to pull away he switches the love back on and reels me back in. I feel like a complete sucker.

[patientandclear]

RTW: just wanted to extend a virtual handclasp. I found myself making a very similar choice one year ago (on Christmas no less) about a man who suddenly moved away from me too. I loved him, so much. But his choices and his complete inability to recognize and address his patterns of abandoning people he's close to ... .They killed what we had. So it's been a year for me, with one episode of serious charm and hooking efforts. I said no unless things have changed; since then, silence. It's been a good year. I'm still sad and scarred and I have bouts of second-guessing. But as you wrote, I've gotten myself back. I've been a good friend, colleague and mom, and that was just not the case before I shut the BPD r/ship down. I owe those people to show up. They show up for me. He, fundamentally, and despite beautiful periods, didn't. His essence is leaving, he needs to escape. Sometimes that makes me mad because he never shared that with me (despite the lifelong pattern), and I didn't see till after I cared deeply; he created the impression that he was a stayer, just hadn't found the right woman. But he is a leaver, in his marrow. And I'm glad I am not offering myself up to be left some more. Walking into the buzz saw like Maxen said.

Happy New Year. It sounds like you made an excellent choice.

[Ridingthewaves]

Just wanted to give an update - have been away from computer for a bit as was very busy with some work stuff.

First of all thank you patient and clear for the encouragement and comment on him being a leaver that pretended to be a stayer. I so resonate with that. And thank you ICU2 for your comment about saving self and also for pointing out that there is a time in which we come to see that we will die without them but more likely to die if we stay with them.

My challenge has been that our relationship was very cyclical, 4 to 5 weeks great, followed by the same awful experience of fight, withdrawal and silence, usually ending with me telling him I had had enough and I was leaving, and then him going back to great for another 4  to 5 weeks. This year we managed great for 4 months in a row, which gave me hope... .but then he backed out in grand style for the whole of the holidays :-(

The dance I can see now is an intimacy dance, in the sense that as soon as the relationship got really good, he had to then do something so awful, like disappearing for thanksgiving, so that things would go back to chaos. There was a time I was hopeful that this dance would end, but now I see that without some serious counseling and self evaluation, healing, nothing will ever change. However tonight I am feeling sad, the finality of all this is finally hitting me :-( I cried today. I can actually still feel him, even if he is far away and we have not spoken live in three weeks.

Also... .two days after I broke up with him, he emailed me (first communication in many days of silence) and it was a break up email. That is he replied to my break up email, by completely ignoring what I said and breaking up with me himself. He sent me this email on new years eve. The email itself was loving, but very distorted. First of all, he did not acknowledge that I had already broken up with him (control?), but he said he was sorry he could not longer be in the relationship, too much pressure, work, money, etc (which I believe he believes, but that I think is a self created crisis - like he made himself go into a spin about this as an excuse to start backing out - I am sure in a couple of weeks his money flow will go back to normal). He then said I will find someone that will love me and cherish me. And then he said that if I had moved in April things would have worked out, going back to an old fight we have had about me not moving into his current apartment. I have explained to him 1 million times why I could not move to be with him then, but he just does not get it. Pinning the end of our relationship on that is truly re-writing history, as this is so not why we did not work out. Also it seems he wants to blame me on exit and make it about me. While I know in my heart that I gave things my 100%, and he sabotaged it every time. He ended the email saying that he thought the world of me and loved me, and that if I looked inside I knew that this was true.

I replied and basically told him that he was not a bad person but that his wounds are sabotaging his relationships and that I hoped that he could find what he was seeking and that he could find a way to become whole and happy. And that I wished him well, but was very sad, as we never got to live our life together. He then emailed back saying he was sad also and I could feel the charm hook, like "lets discuss how sad we both are so we can pretend this never happened and I can pull you back in". I did not bite and I did not answer. Communication ended there and my sense is it will be weeks if not months before he tries again. If ever.

In some ways that email robbed me of my anger and now its harder to move on. I am moving on. Just... .this is hard. I am having a hard night tonight in particular, maybe because its the first truly post holidays night and we would have had a routine of talking for a couple hours every night. And its really obvious now that that phase of our lives is over. Also the shock must be wearing off - feeling a bit PTSD-ed by the whole thing - and not feeling some real emotions. I am also feeling very tired.

I am really busy with work right now, which helps. Although a part of me would like to just rest and do nothing right now. This too shall pass. I have been ok with things up until now, just hit a low tonight, hopefully will be back in the saddle tomorrow.

Also I dont know if any of you experience this. Talking about this with friends is very hard. They are all happy for the break up, but I still need to grieve. Luckily starting with T tomorrow. That should help.

Thank you for ALL that have supported me in this thread, it has been very useful. Much love.