Still live my with my BPD ex-girlfriend. I feel so confused. Horrible.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey. I'm pretty sure my ex has BPD. It's something that I'd never really looked into, or heard about. I'd always assumed it was a minor form of a personality disorder like narcissism, so I didn't realise the symptoms as they came. Obsession, neglect. Instability. Paranoia. Suicide threats. Impulsivity.

Personally, I always suffered with self esteem issues, for no real reason, really. My mother had quite high standards on me so I always strove for perfection and didn't make it all the time, which made me feel like a failure. Over the past few years, I've learned how to consistently fake confidence. By the way, I'm only nineteen. I have a way to go.

Logically, and objectively; but, not emotionally, I have an awareness that I'm pretty incredible. I learned how to write really fantastic poetry when I was young; less emo teen, more Wordsworth. I'm an athlete, I'm competent in three martial arts; I was an unbelievable longboarder, I traveled to multiple countries to compete; I'm a good hockey player. I'm a musician, one of the best guitarists I've ever met, and I can play four other instruments. I'm colourblind, but that never stopped me from becoming a great artist, I used to do graphics design for international companies at thirteen to make money on the side. Instead of going to college, I joined a company, realised I could do it better myself, and became an entrepreneur, moved to The Netherlands and now I speak three languages. I'm tall, attractive, funny, witty. I never had problems getting girls.

But I never really felt loved and appreciated until I met her. She just seemed to think that I was amazing. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was being treated the way I deserved. When we first started living together, I had to yell at her for ironing my shirts and cleaning up after me when I made a mess, I joked, 'If you clean up after me, I'll never learn! You've gotta give me tough love'. She told me that she loved me after only knowing her for two weeks, which terrified me. I thought it was because of who I was.

I'll skip the middle part, or else this will be ridiculously long. Lets just say that she was quite lovely to me, but she had paranoid delusions about work and other people. She told me stories about her past that I realise now were either made up, or completely misremembered.

I came back from a week long networking trip (Which she begged me not to go on), and suddenly she was horribly cold. She told me she had gone down to Rotterdam, and stayed with a friend. Alarm bells started ringing in my head, I'm empathic enough to know that something was horribly wrong. She had messaged a business partner of mine that she loved him so much and would do anything to be with him, and she was willing to travel to Belgium if he slept with her again.

I freaked out a little bit, but I've done the whole yelling and screaming at the end of relationships before and knew to avoid it. She was FURIOUS at me for being upset about what happened 'I'm only human! I cannot control my feelings!'. Luckily, the way our home is designed, it's pretty easy for me to avoid her. We live with our landlord too, which is definitely helpful. We didn't speak for two weeks.

Then some older muslim guy came over. My replacement which seems to be worse than me in every other way, looks, intelligence, odor. He's nine years older than me, but that's it. She was raped on two separate occasions by Muslim men, I don't know if that's why. She was having problems paying her side of the rent, so he paid for her's... .and his. They now live with me. I haven't spoken to him or her at all in the last two weeks, but I checked her page and she's publicly posting how much she loves him, et cetera.

I cannot move out. My business isn't doing particularly well and I cannot afford it for the moment. I'm so confused, I feel like I love her but I cannot comprehend why. I've almost tried talking to her, but she treats me like I'm this inhuman slime. Less than two months ago, I was this perfect prince.

Is it normal to feel this way, does anyone have any advice? I spent my Christmas and New Years in my room, alone.

[PandaPropaganda]

Hey. I'm pretty sure my ex has BPD. It's something that I'd never really looked into, or heard about. I'd always assumed it was a minor form of a personality disorder like narcissism, so I didn't realise the symptoms as they came. Obsession, neglect. Instability. Paranoia. Suicide threats. Impulsivity.

Personally, I always suffered with self esteem issues, for no real reason, really. My mother had quite high standards on me so I always strove for perfection and didn't make it all the time, which made me feel like a failure. Over the past few years, I've learned how to consistently fake confidence. By the way, I'm only nineteen. I have a way to go.

Logically, and objectively; but, not emotionally, I have an awareness that I'm pretty incredible. I learned how to write really fantastic poetry when I was young; less emo teen, more Wordsworth. I'm an athlete, I'm competent in three martial arts; I was an unbelievable longboarder, I traveled to multiple countries to compete; I'm a good hockey player. I'm a musician, one of the best guitarists I've ever met, and I can play four other instruments. I'm colourblind, but that never stopped me from becoming a great artist, I used to do graphics design for international companies at thirteen to make money on the side. Instead of going to college, I joined a company, realised I could do it better myself, and became an entrepreneur, moved to The Netherlands and now I speak three languages. I'm tall, attractive, funny, witty. I never had problems getting girls.

But I never really felt loved and appreciated until I met her. She just seemed to think that I was amazing. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was being treated the way I deserved. When we first started living together, I had to yell at her for ironing my shirts and cleaning up after me when I made a mess, I joked, 'If you clean up after me, I'll never learn! You've gotta give me tough love'. She told me that she loved me after only knowing her for two weeks, which terrified me. I thought it was because of who I was.

I'll skip the middle part, or else this will be ridiculously long. Lets just say that she was quite lovely to me, but she had paranoid delusions about work and other people. She told me stories about her past that I realise now were either made up, or completely misremembered.

I came back from a week long networking trip (Which she begged me not to go on), and suddenly she was horribly cold. She told me she had gone down to Rotterdam, and stayed with a friend. Alarm bells started ringing in my head, I'm empathic enough to know that something was horribly wrong. She had messaged a business partner of mine that she loved him so much and would do anything to be with him, and she was willing to travel to Belgium if he slept with her again.

I freaked out a little bit, but I've done the whole yelling and screaming at the end of relationships before and knew to avoid it. She was FURIOUS at me for being upset about what happened 'I'm only human! I cannot control my feelings!'. Luckily, the way our home is designed, it's pretty easy for me to avoid her. We live with our landlord too, which is definitely helpful. We didn't speak for two weeks.

Then some older muslim guy came over. My replacement which seems to be worse than me in every other way, looks, intelligence, odor. He's nine years older than me, but that's it. She was raped on two separate occasions by Muslim men, I don't know if that's why. She was having problems paying her side of the rent, so he paid for her's... .and his. They now live with me. I haven't spoken to him or her at all in the last two weeks, but I checked her page and she's publicly posting how much she loves him, et cetera.

I cannot move out. My business isn't doing particularly well and I cannot afford it for the moment. I'm so confused, I feel like I love her but I cannot comprehend why. I've almost tried talking to her, but she treats me like I'm this inhuman slime. Less than two months ago, I was this perfect prince.

Is it normal to feel this way, does anyone have any advice? I spent my Christmas and New Years in my room, alone.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Sounds like your week long trip away triggered her abandonment fear.  Once that is triggered they are likely to jump into the sack with someone else. Unfortunately he has moved in.  This is quite incredible.  Bad enough she has cuckolded you - but worse she has moved him in with you.  What sort of person behaves like this?  Let me tell you something PandaPropoganda - you are a very lucky man.  First she is now another man's problem.  Second you are only 19 and have experienced the trauma of the BPD.  And now you will never have to experience it again since your radar is well tuned.  You have to get out of there.  Get an evening job for the money.  You cannot live in those conditions. 

[Blimblam]

Omg, I'm so sorry that's situation sounds horrible.  

Maybe have a heart to heart with your landlord and see if you can transition to kicking her and him out while you find a roomate.  Honestly the situation you are in now is putting your future at risk you are only human and the mind can only take so much. If you left those two probably couldn't cover rent and their would be a period where the landlord would have no tennent.  It would be cheaper to kick them out and you find a roomate for your landlord most likely.  

[PandaPropaganda]

Omg, I'm so sorry that's situation sounds horrible. 

Maybe have a heart to heart with your landlord and see if you can transition to kicking her and him out while you find a roomate.  Honestly the situation you are in now is putting your future at risk you are only human and the mind can only take so much. If you left those two probably couldn't cover rent and their would be a period where the landlord would have no tennent.  It would be cheaper to kick them out and you find a roomate for your landlord most likely. 

That's not really an option, my financial situation is horrible. I'm going to client account managerial positions in a few international start up companies. I've been running my own sales business for the last eighteen months, and I'm sick of it at this point.

Sounds like your week long trip away triggered her abandonment fear.  Once that is triggered they are likely to jump into the sack with someone else. Unfortunately he has moved in.  This is quite incredible.  Bad enough she has cuckolded you - but worse she has moved him in with you.  What sort of person behaves like this?  Let me tell you something PandaPropoganda - you are a very lucky man.  First she is now another man's problem.  Second you are only 19 and have experienced the trauma of the BPD.  And now you will never have to experience it again since your radar is well tuned.  You have to get out of there.  Get an evening job for the money.  You cannot live in those conditions. 

Is it unusual that I find the idea that 'leaving triggered an abandonment fear' interesting? I feel like I have this weird sort of educational interest in her condition, and that if I can properly understand it, I can overcome it? Logically, I'm fully aware that I need to never see this person again.

I've been in failed relationships before, I started dating wayyy too young. There's always been a downward spiral though, and while it might have hurt me, it always meant sense, so I could move on. This just went from absolute perfection to abandonment. I've never felt this way before.

[Blimblam]

Boundaries.

It's in your power to kick this guy out of ur place.  Talk to your landlord you can kick them both out change the lock and squat the place if it came down to it.  Your landlord knows it too. The corner you being pushed into can break you.  Push back and draw a line.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I feel like I have this weird sort of educational interest in her condition, and that if I can properly understand it, I can overcome it?

I read somewhere that even fully trained psychiatrists have to do therapy to cope with treating borderlines.  Even if you have this level of knowledge, I doubt you could keep her with you, let alone help her overcome the condition.  The professionals do something called DBT which I think helps them regulate the ups and downs but I doubt it cures them.  Could be wrong though.  Anyway your thinking is classic - most of us have Narc tendencies and believed we could fix them.  Forget it.  :)on't go prematurely grey.  At your age the world is full of available ladies.  Why pursue someone that is mentally ill?

[PandaPropaganda]

Boundaries.

It's in your power to kick this guy out of ur place.  Talk to your landlord you can kick them both out change the lock and squat the place if it came down to it.  Your landlord knows it too. The corner you being pushed into can break you.  Push back and draw a line.

I know where you're coming from. This is genuinely not an option. My ex has been living her for two years, I've been here for six months. I could beat up the other guy, but I doubt that would place me up upon any emotional high ground. I plan to move out as soon as possible.

I read somewhere that even fully trained psychiatrists have to do therapy to cope with treating borderlines.  Even if you have this level of knowledge, I doubt you could keep her with you, let alone help her overcome the condition.  The professionals do something called DBT which I think helps them regulate the ups and downs but I doubt it cures them.  Could be wrong though.  Anyway your thinking is classic - most of us have Narc tendencies and believe we can fix them.  Forget it.  Don't go prematurely grey.  At your age the world is full of available ladies.  Why pursue someone that is mentally ill?

I think a part of me has always assumed that if there isn't something wrong, then it's not right. I blame being raised on literature.

I just don't really know how to cope with all of this. I'm cycling between the stages of grief and detachment, I think I'm okay and then something reminds me of her. The idea that everything is fantastic and wonderful, and then a week later my world gets turned upside down. It doesn't make any sense to me and I lack the ability to process it yet.


EDIT: I think there's something seriously wrong with my English, I stayed up all night but I know if I fall asleep now it'll damage my sleep cycle. I've been awake for 24 hours so if this makes any sense I'm rather impressed with myself.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It doesn't make any sense to me and I lack the ability to process it yet.

Things that make sense tend to be ordered.  This is a disorder.  One week you are the best thing that ever happened to them.  The next week they say you belong in the sewer with the rats.  But really you are lucky.  Good thing you didn't get her pregnant or marry her.  Imagine that! 

[PandaPropaganda]

It doesn't make any sense to me and I lack the ability to process it yet.

Things that make sense tend to be ordered.  This is a disorder.  One week you are the best thing that ever happened to them.  The next week they say you belong in the sewer with the rats.  But really you are lucky.  Good thing you didn't get her pregnant or marry her.  Imagine that! 

I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia when I was younger. I got therapy. I'm okay now, because I realise when things are too good, and when they're too bad. Because I understand it, I can manage it effectively and logically.

As angry and hurt as I am, I have trouble painting a complicated human being as just a disorder. There has to be more to it. I'm sure as time passes I'll look back at these posts and laugh at myself; I just find it all difficult to comprehend. I'm really conflicted.

[Blimblam]

Be very carefull you seem upset but like you still have enough energy about you to get things done.  The lack of sleep seems like hypervigilant behavior it's not a good sign.  A situation like the one you are in can break even the hardest of men short of being a psychopath.  The long you allow yourself to stay in it you are Risking a nervous breakdown.  This is one of those situations where if you can have family or someone help you out.  Heck even a homeless shelter would be better than that.

[PandaPropaganda]

Be very carefull you seem upset but like you still have enough energy about you to get things done.  The lack of sleep seems like hypervigilant behavior it's not a good sign.  A situation like the one you are in can break even the hardest of men short of being a psychopath.  The long you allow yourself to stay in it you are Risking a nervous breakdown.  This is one of those situations where if you can have family or someone help you out.  Heck even a homeless shelter would be better than that.

It's not that. I just accidentally became nocturnal because it helped me avoid her over the Christmas vacation. It's nearly over so I need to get my sleep cycle back on track, so I'm forcing myself to fall asleep at a normal time.

I live in a foreign country with no friends or family, and I'm not too sure if a homeless shelter would be a better alternative. Nor do I think I'm going to become a psychopath anytime soon. I a nice person, honestly!