uBPD Mother and exploitation

[lucylou]

Hi Everyone and a happy 2015!  I am trying to get over feeling used and betrayed by my uBPD mother as it is keeping me stuck in moving forward. I have been NC for over 14 months now with her but I am having trouble sleeping at night due to thoughts roaming around my mind . I used to be very close to my mom or so I thought. We went everywhere together and were very enmeshed and since i was a little girl i was always devoted to her even though now i can see she didnt really give a rats behind about me. I was often left with inappropriate caregivers or left completely on my own i.e walking home alone from school from age 6, and wandering all over town,which inevitably lead to bad things happening.Either getting into danger or people who were predators trying to harm me .Those incidents have had a life long effect and I now suffer from social anxiety disorder,co dependency and have difficulty forming relationships or trusting people.One particular incident was when I was 2 and a 14 year old girl who was babysitting my brother and I late at night ,decided to terrorize us and then she abused me by using the bristles of a hairbrush to viciously scratch me on my private area because I came down at night with a wet nappy.Maybe she was a BPD also?.

I cannot imagine for the life of me who would leave a 2 and 4 year old alone with a 14 year old disturbed girl, who had shown signs of odd behaviour previously, just so she could get her "fix" of going out clubbing. You see my mothers main hobby for years has been being earning money, not for her family but so she could buy make up and clothes for her nights out so she could be looked at and admired by men. This I think was her way of getting narcissistic supply?(any thoughts appreciated). She has amassed literally hundred of clothes and boxes of makeup and still does it today in her 60s.I might add my brother and I had to make do with second hand stuff most of the time.  My mother made a joke of the incident of abuse, laughed all this off and even made her name a household joke.I guess this was the BPD behaviour minimizing? Any thoughts on this ?   Probably she minimized it so she could keep on doing what she was doing and indeed she did for many years to come.  The one thing that upsets me now is I was so brain washed by her that I didnt realize how this had effected me until i gave birth to a daughter of my own. I found it very difficult to change her nappy which made me then have to acknowledge how in denial I had been about my childhood and what I had suffered. I guess somewhere deep within me I must have known that opening the lid on all of that stuff was going to destroy our relationship.Anyway as expected our relationship did begin to crumble as when i told my mother how deeply this incident had damaged me she went into a rage and told me to "get over it".That was a big shock. Now I can see this was clearly BPD behaviour trying to blame me for daring to mention my feelings? can anyone elaborate on this.

The whole situation arose because my mother liked to go out and have a good time and she didnt care how she got to do it. My Dad I might add was no better.  She was only in her early 20s at the time and of course she blamed my dad for needing to go out as he cheated on her with her best friend before they were married, and that was the only life she had because he was so mean to her and didnt give her any attention . I think truthfully it had more to do with her needing to get narcissistic supply from being admired as she loves to make an entrance when she walks in the room plus she got to compete with her single female friends for men/male attention.She is a very vain woman and spends hours in front of the mirror.  I know my Dad was a womanizer and he is a bully with NPD traits although I havent been able to put a definate label on him yet but she chose him because he was a member of a band and chased after by lots of women so i can see a connection there. Anyway when I was 15 my mom started taking me out to the clubs and pubs because she hadnt got any single female friends at that time so I became her drinking partner and we would go out every week get drunk, chat to men and Mom would drive us home intoxicated which put ours and others lives at risk. This continued for 6 years until I settled down at age 22 (like my mother did) This behaviour caused me to become alienated from my Dad, something he still holds a grudge about. I was too young and immature to know this was not something normal to go drinking with your mother and that drinking and driving is very wrong, but I thought my mother was cool for being so young in her outlook and good fun plus I wanted to meet boys.I didnt see that my mother was using my young looks,slim figure and sexy clothes to get attention for herself as she was in her early 40s at the time and losing her battle with weight.Plus we were the talk of the town and people instantly recognized us because it was something unusual which I now feel ashamed of. I see now how this would have been very pleasing to her, and in a way I guess I liked it too being young and needing attention.

Now I am 42 I look back on all this with great sadness. I feel very exploited really,and angry that my own mother would use me in such away just to get Narcissistic Supply. I also feel ashamed and guilty because I was so selfish and in denial back then and refused to see we were hurting my brother and my dad by our behavior.All I cared about was finding a boyfriend to rescue me, i was just 18/19. My mother  was even carrying on an affair in front of my eyes with a 20 year old guy whilst still married to my dad at that time.In the end i almost had a break down and escaped the craziness of it all by going to another country to be with a man I had met and fallen in love with. Mom never really forgave me for leaving and breaking up the party,after all she was having the best days of her life all over again.Bizarrely, in an act of revenge she rented out my bedroom to another 18 year old girl and started going out with her whilst I was gone :D.How is that for crazy behaviour? I was just a clone easily discarded when no longer loyal. As Im writing this I am thinking about my own daughters and how I could ever imagine using them in this way... .wow    I love them and would never deliberately encourage them to do reckless behaviour or get so drunk they dont know what they are doing.  

Anyway I hope I didnt gabble on too much. I often feel my life from birth has been flooded with BPDs and NPDS  What I would like to know is if anyone else went out drinking with their mothers or similar? . I have had 18 months of counselling but had to stop as it was free and now I will have to pay and funds are tight. I am hoping by sharing, which is so difficult for me, that  I can lessen the burden of these thoughts.    Best wishes    

[Kwamina]

Hi lucylou

I am hoping by sharing, which is so difficult for me, that  I can lessen the burden of these thoughts.

I understand why you would say sharing is so difficult for you. Being raised by a BPD parent isn't easy and can have long lasting effects on you. You mention feeling shame and guilt, would you say that is the primary reason that you're finding it difficult to 'share' your story? Good thing that you did decide to share though, that's the first step in overcoming those negative feelings

I am trying to get over feeling used and betrayed by my uBPD mother as it is keeping me stuck in moving forward. I have been NC for over 14 months now with her but I am having trouble sleeping at night due to thoughts roaming around my mind .

How did your mother respond to you going NC? As you look for ways to get 'unstuck' and move forward, it might help to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for children who suffered childhood abuse. Are you familiar with this guide? You can find it to the right of this message board. The guide takes you through 21 steps from survivor to thriver. The steps are clustered in three phases: Remembering --> Mourning --> Healing. If you look at the Survivors' Guide, at which step would you say you are now?

You see my mothers main hobby for years has been being earning money, not for her family but so she could buy make up and clothes for her nights out so she could be looked at and admired by men. This I think was her way of getting narcissistic supply?(any thoughts appreciated). She has amassed literally hundred of clothes and boxes of makeup and still does it today in her 60s.I might add my brother and I had to make do with second hand stuff most of the time.

Many parents with BPD have a very hard time seeing their children as individuals. This unfortunately often leads BPD parents to view their own children as extensions of themselves or as tools to get what they want for themselves. In such a scenario, children become means to an ends. Based on your description of events, something similar seemed to be going on with your mother.

Another thing that comes to mind is that people with BPD often have a very shaky or nearly non-existent sense of self. When this is the case, they let themselves be completely defined by how they are perceived by others. Only whey they receive attention or approval from others, do they then feel like they are 'worthy'.

My mother made a joke of the incident of abuse, laughed all this off and even made her name a household joke.I guess this was the BPD behaviour minimizing? Any thoughts on this ?   Probably she minimized it so she could keep on doing what she was doing and indeed she did for many years to come.

I assume you're referring to that incident with the babysitter. I can imagine how painful it must have been for you to have your mother seemingly not take the abuses seriously at all. It could very well be that your mother minimized this particular event so she indeed could continue doing what she was doing. It is very sad that the persons that were supposed to keep us safe, would do nothing when this type of abuse happens. I have an undiagnosed mother myself and I never felt like I could trust her to protect me if anyone would try to do something to me. In fact, my own mother was the person that made me feel the most 'unsafe'. She was the one I needed protecting from the most. That's a very difficult situation for a child to be in, being attacked/abused by the person you would want to have soothe you whenever you're being attacked/abused by someone.

[lucylou]

Hi Kwamina, Thanks for your reply.

You mention feeling shame and guilt, would you say that is the primary reason that you're finding it difficult to 'share' your story?

Yes it is the guilt and shame that makes it difficult for me to share. I guess  the social anxiety and fear of being judged is part of it plus I was not allowed to express myself growing up and my opinions are feelings were made "wrong and stupid" by my mom and dad. Also school was very tough for me and class mates would often be quick to tear me down and humiliate me so  I am often waiting for someone to jump on me and attack my words or opinions. I guess it just became easier to avoid the terrible feelings of shame by keeping quiet even though in the long run it is not helpful. I hope to work on that issue here

How did your mother respond to you going NC?

I have been NC several times before with my mom so she is used to it and this time I think it will be a permanent arrangement. She actually responded by taking it out on my brother and giving him the silent treatment.I think her attitude is something like "none of them care about me so I wont speak to either of them anymore and I will get my revenge by cutting them out of the will".  I have a mixed feeling about NC, part of me is relieved as I dont have to deal with her phone calls etc anymore, but another part of me is scared that I am wrong about her having a personality disorder. This probably ties in with being told I was always wrong whilst growing up. It does keep me awake every night as i guess i still feel the need to rescue her, also I think what if she is just co dependent and in denial about her own abusive BPD NPD mother. In other words what if she is just like me and can be helped?. This then keeps me stuck in a cycle of rescuing and I am not sure how to break free of it.I wish I had a confirmed diagnosis of BPD or NPD for my mother as it would stop these feelings of uncertainty.   

       

[which step would you say you are now?]

I have looked at the survivors guide and need to keep working on it. I think i am in the early stages of mourning but I still have a ways to go. Some days are easier than others 

[In fact, my own mother was the person that made me feel the most 'unsafe'. She was the one I needed protecting from the most. That's a very difficult situation for a child to be in, being attacked/abused by the person you would want to have soothe you whenever you're being attacked/abused by someone.]

I am sorry to hear you have had a similar experience of feeling unsafe with your Mother.It is the saddest thing in the world to not be able to have that. I hope that in the future we can all be healed and at peace within ourselves .     

[clljhns]

Hi lucylou,

I certainly understand your feelings of shame and guilt. Have you the article on F.O.G.? Great article that clearly defines what keeps us tied to the unhealthy BPD relationship. I went NC with my uBPDmom and uNPDdad ten years ago. It was frightening because I had confronted them and outed them to others about the years of abuse of me and my siblings. I then moved into grief and mourning the loss of what I never had. I am now at the acceptance stage, but still have some times when I think back to some of the brief happy moments and miss that.

I understand what it feels like to tell a parent that they hurt you and they deny it or rage at you that it was your fault. My mom  and dad never took responsibility for any of their actions.

In other words what if she is just like me and can be helped?. This then keeps me stuck in a cycle of rescuing and I am not sure how to break free of it.I wish I had a confirmed diagnosis of BPD or NPD for my mother as it would stop these feelings of uncertainty.

Can you tell me a little more about what you mean here? Do you feel that because you realized how unhealthy that lifestyle is that she could as well? The only way I learned to break free from the cycle of rescuing was not offering any help or suggestions to my mom when she would call me and tell me about her latest travesty. EVERYTHING was a huge struggle for her, so I received many phone calls about everyone and everything. By the time I was in my mid-30's I stopped her from talking to me about my sisters and dad. I also recognized that this was her journey, and not mine. I would often tell her that I was sorry to hear about blah, blah, blah, and then would turn it back to her and ask what she was going to do about the situation. This usually was met with sarcasm and a defeatist attitude that she was powerless to do anything. I removed myself from her emotionally and would just tell her that I knew she could handle the situation and I hoped she had a good day as I ended the conversation. I learned to keep the conversations light and did not engage her emotional outbursts. I put up firm boundaries, which she would readily trample. I finally came to realize that they only way I could be healthy was not have contact with either of them.

What I would like to know is if anyone else went out drinking with their mothers or similar? .

You must remember that you were the child here. Mom was the adult who was to be a positive role model. I think you were right on the mark when you described mom needing her narcissistic fix by going out to bars. My mother didn't exhibit these behaviors, but she made us her confidants and co-conspirators in other areas. Namely, keeping her excessive buying a secret from our father. She crossed many boundaries with us kids and thought it normal to tell us how much she hated our dad and wanted a divorce from "that hick." At some point when I was in my 30's, she asked me personal questions about my intimate life with my husband and then wanted to share with me about her and my dad. I cut this conversation off quickly, but felt absolutely shamed and assaulted by her actions. My mom never recognized that she had children, we were just people who were there to meet her needs, no matter what age we were.

I am so glad that you have landed her and please know that many of us understand what you are going through. Will you be able to resume therapy soon? I see a therapist myself, and understand how helpful it is to have someone who can help you navigate through the painful memories of our childhoods.

Wishing you all the best! 

[Kwamina]

Also school was very tough for me and class mates would often be quick to tear me down and humiliate me so  I am often waiting for someone to jump on me and attack my words or opinions. I guess it just became easier to avoid the terrible feelings of shame by keeping quiet even though in the long run it is not helpful. I hope to work on that issue here

I can really relate to this. I had similar experiences in school. Now that I'm older I clearly see how everything was related to how I was being treated at home. Everybody is responsible for their own behavior so I can't blame my mother, sister and brother for how certain other people treated me. However, it is clear that my family of origin made me very vulnerable and basically set me up to be abused by others. As a child I was also conditioned by my mother not to fight back. Every time I would rebel against the cruel way she treated me, she would act as if I was wrong to stand up for myself and/or justified her behavior and/or started raging even more. As I got older and more independent her rages intensified and if that didn't work she also assumed an extreme victim-role to make me feel like the bad guy. I wasn't allowed to express anger or displeasure, yet she felt completely justified to make cruel remarks and have explosive rages. I find it unpleasant to look back at these things, but I am glad that I'm able to see what was going on more clearly now and that my mother's behavior was in fact abuse.

but another part of me is scared that I am wrong about her having a personality disorder. This probably ties in with being told I was always wrong whilst growing up. It does keep me awake every night as i guess i still feel the need to rescue her, also I think what if she is just co dependent and in denial about her own abusive BPD NPD mother. In other words what if she is just like me and can be helped?. This then keeps me stuck in a cycle of rescuing and I am not sure how to break free of it.I wish I had a confirmed diagnosis of BPD or NPD for my mother as it would stop these feelings of uncertainty.    

Perhaps you are wrong about the BPD. Maybe she's 'just' NPD  What I'm trying to say is, even without an exact diagnosis it's still possible to identify your mother's hurtful and abusive behaviors. Regardless of the label put on her mental and emotional state, the reality of the abuse stays the same.

If your mother doesn't have BPD, perhaps she can be helped but that isn't a certainty. And assuming she has BPD, even then it isn't a certainty that she can't be helped because there are many people with BPD who through therapy have learned to better manage their disorder. The most important thing here is probably if your mother would be willing or able to acknowledge that her behavior is abusive and dysfunctional and would also be willing to fully commit to working on her issues. Do you feel like your mother has in anyway ever acknowledged that there's something wrong with the way she treats you and with her behavior in general? Has she ever indicated that she would be willing to get into therapy to work on her issues?

I understand your comment about 'rescuing' since she's still your mother. Unfortunately we can't make people change if they don't want to and your mother is responsible for her own life. What we can change is our own behavior and how we respond to the BPD people in our lives.

Some days are easier than others  

Same here!

I hope that in the future we can all be healed and at peace within ourselves .      

That would be wonderful indeed. Take care

[lucylou]

Hi Clljhns Thank you for support. I will have a look at the FOG article it sounds useful. 

Can you tell me a little more about what you mean here? Do you feel that because you realized how unhealthy that lifestyle is that she could as well?

I feel guilty because I have cut her off from her Grand children as she was quite a good Grand mother to them plus I  worry that I am wrong about my Mothers condition as last year we had a huge argument in which I ended up saying that she had BPD. Initially it felt great to get some distance from her again and tell her about BPD but after a few months and reading more self help books I began to fear I might be wrong about her condition.After having some counselling I was able to have insight into my behaviors so I keep thinking "if only Mom would read this or get counselling she would be ok too". I know it is  probably because of inner child thinking/needing Mommie and wanting to rescue her that I am having these thoughts but it doesnt stop them coming. They also play out in my subconscious as I often have a dream where I am trying to get my mother to see the truth about our family and BPD only to meet resistance and invalidation which ends in me screaming at her in sadness and anger/frustration. I guess all this stuff is  part of the grieving cycle but I want to get past it because its stopping me moving on  .   

I am now at the acceptance stage, but still have some times when I think back to some of the brief happy moments and miss that.

I am so pleased that you are moving into acceptance and beginning to heal from your childhood . Its comforting to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been talking with my Husband about going back into counselling maybe it is the best way forward.I will call next week and make an appointment. Thank you so much for your message I wanted to write a lot more but time is against me today what with having 5 children to look after in the school holidays . Best wishes to you   

 

[lucylou]

Hi kwamina, I am really sorry to hear you had difficulties in school too.

[However, it is clear that my family of origin made me very vulnerable and basically set me up to be abused by others. ]

I can totally relate  :'( thank you for sharing I hope you have people in your life now who recognize you for the valuable person you are.

Maybe she's 'just' NPD wink What I'm trying to say is, even without an exact diagnosis it's still possible to identify your mother's hurtful and abusive behaviors. Regardless of the label put on her mental and emotional state, the reality of the abuse stays the same.

If your mother doesn't have BPD, perhaps she can be helped but that isn't a certainty. And assuming she has BPD, even then it isn't a certainty that she can't be helped because there are many people with BPD who through therapy have learned to better manage their disorder. The most important thing here is probably if your mother would be willing or able to acknowledge that her behavior is abusive and dysfunctional and would also be willing to fully commit to working on her issues.

Yes you are spot on here. It's the abusive behaviors that are more relevant than the actual diagnosis and its good to be reminded of that. I am often trapped in uncertainty and fear especially when it comes to trusting my own judgements so this is something to work on. 

Yes even if my Mom did admit she was having problems (which is highly unlikely) there is no guarantee that she would seek help or even gain any benefit from that. She has to date never apologized for any of her actions so it is unlikely that she will change, says it all really doesnt it?.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts Kwamina it has been very helpful and supportive