Finally coming out of the fog

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been 9+ months since I got the call indicating she was no longer in love with me without explanation. This came after months of putdowns, silent treatment, and now, I am starting to remember, some episodes of apparent psychosis and paranoia (accusing me of trying to kill her and upset if I mentioned anything about our relationship is going with others).  Through the pain, i blocked so much out.  In the last month, I have finally made some strides... .I can say with 90% certainty i would never go back.  I don't trust myself fully so I won't commit more than that.

anyway, amidst the reemergence into reality, I have overthought, analyzed, and ruminated this to death despite my efforts to stop thinking about it.  Last pm, however, something new made sense. I had been feeling pain as her two previous relationships lasted much longer but then it occurred to me that, in the one that lasted the longest, my expBPD refused to have sexual contact and even sleep in the same room for the last 3/4's of the relationship and yet her partner. stayed.  During that r/s, my ex was still drinking and cheating on her and yet her partner stayed.  My expwBPD cheated and ultimately left to be with a woman who had been severely abused by her ex.  During that r/s, my ex continued to demonstrate the perfectionistic, absent, and degrading demeanor to that woman and her sons yet that woman stayed.

We got involved.  I lost myself before the first breakup, acting clingy and desperate.  Before we recycled, I went into therapy and realized I needed to stop that.  After we recycled, I was stronger and more vocal about my needs (at times - wry smile).  I remember thinking, especially because the r/s was so asexual and because plans were constantly cancelled that I didn't sign on for this.  I wanted to move on. At one point, I even told her I didn't know how to detach anymore but that I was attempting not to personalize her behavior. 

Last pm, it occurred to me.  The former r/s were not any better just because they lasted longer.  I was not less of a person because my r/s only lasted 1.5 years.  Not to be an ego but she left because I was emotionally healthier than they were. I have worked an alanon program for years.  I have a strong support system, most of whom also work a recovery program.  I value personal accountability and honesty on my part and part of my partner.  I am fine... .a shorter relationship did not indicate I was a loser.  It is the opposite.  I wanted to leave her for the last 5 months of our r/s but kept deluding myself I would be strong enough to pull us through it.  She did me a favor - she pulled the plug.  Likely, she could sense my distance and left so she could be the first one to go.

Please don't take this as me feeling I am better than the exes and please, if you were strong enough to stay for years, please do not view this as a reflection of your choices.  I think we all did the best we could.  I think my ex's two prior relationships were with really fine women who got hurt just as bad as me.  We all did the best we could and we didn't know what we were dealing with.  I am impressed and compassionate with them and am making strides in sending vibes of compassion to my replacement.  This wasn't something any of us signed on for.  My ex is a lovely lady.  Her disease - well, let's just say i am not a fan of how it not only brutalizes the ones she loved and loves but mostly how it brutalizes her.  She doesn't deserve it... .none of our pwBPD's do.  I just have some different tools that I forgot about when I was in my fog of pain after she left.  Suddenly, I am starting to return to my former confident self.  It is all ok... .I'm living through it and coming out of the fog.  I am not a loser.  None of us are and we're all going to make it out of the fog.  Thank you for listening to me as I continue to try to find ways to verbalize and ensure I understand this.  I am sure I will have more epiphanies as I continue to come back to life.  thanks for sticking with me.

[Hawk Ridge]

It's been 9+ months since I got the call indicating she was no longer in love with me without explanation. This came after months of putdowns, silent treatment, and now, I am starting to remember, some episodes of apparent psychosis and paranoia (accusing me of trying to kill her and upset if I mentioned anything about our relationship is going with others).  Through the pain, i blocked so much out.  In the last month, I have finally made some strides... .I can say with 90% certainty i would never go back.  I don't trust myself fully so I won't commit more than that.

anyway, amidst the reemergence into reality, I have overthought, analyzed, and ruminated this to death despite my efforts to stop thinking about it.  Last pm, however, something new made sense. I had been feeling pain as her two previous relationships lasted much longer but then it occurred to me that, in the one that lasted the longest, my expBPD refused to have sexual contact and even sleep in the same room for the last 3/4's of the relationship and yet her partner. stayed.  During that r/s, my ex was still drinking and cheating on her and yet her partner stayed.  My expwBPD cheated and ultimately left to be with a woman who had been severely abused by her ex.  During that r/s, my ex continued to demonstrate the perfectionistic, absent, and degrading demeanor to that woman and her sons yet that woman stayed.

We got involved.  I lost myself before the first breakup, acting clingy and desperate.  Before we recycled, I went into therapy and realized I needed to stop that.  After we recycled, I was stronger and more vocal about my needs (at times - wry smile).  I remember thinking, especially because the r/s was so asexual and because plans were constantly cancelled that I didn't sign on for this.  I wanted to move on. At one point, I even told her I didn't know how to detach anymore but that I was attempting not to personalize her behavior. 

Last pm, it occurred to me.  The former r/s were not any better just because they lasted longer.  I was not less of a person because my r/s only lasted 1.5 years.  Not to be an ego but she left because I was emotionally healthier than they were. I have worked an alanon program for years.  I have a strong support system, most of whom also work a recovery program.  I value personal accountability and honesty on my part and part of my partner.  I am fine... .a shorter relationship did not indicate I was a loser.  It is the opposite.  I wanted to leave her for the last 5 months of our r/s but kept deluding myself I would be strong enough to pull us through it.  She did me a favor - she pulled the plug.  Likely, she could sense my distance and left so she could be the first one to go.

Please don't take this as me feeling I am better than the exes and please, if you were strong enough to stay for years, please do not view this as a reflection of your choices.  I think we all did the best we could.  I think my ex's two prior relationships were with really fine women who got hurt just as bad as me.  We all did the best we could and we didn't know what we were dealing with.  I am impressed and compassionate with them and am making strides in sending vibes of compassion to my replacement.  This wasn't something any of us signed on for.  My ex is a lovely lady.  Her disease - well, let's just say i am not a fan of how it not only brutalizes the ones she loved and loves but mostly how it brutalizes her.  She doesn't deserve it... .none of our pwBPD's do.  I just have some different tools that I forgot about when I was in my fog of pain after she left.  Suddenly, I am starting to return to my former confident self.  It is all ok... .I'm living through it and coming out of the fog.  I am not a loser.  None of us are and we're all going to make it out of the fog.  Thank you for listening to me as I continue to try to find ways to verbalize and ensure I understand this.  I am sure I will have more epiphanies as I continue to come back to life.  thanks for sticking with me.

[Whitebread]

Beautifully written Hawk Ridge, and it doesn't come across as egotistical in the least little bit!

What I take away from your post is that it was written by a beautiful compassionate soul who has attained the introspection and peace I'm striving for!

Good for you!  Wishing you continued success in rediscovering the wonderful things that make you YOU!   

[maric]

Hawk,

I had exactly the same thought going over my head, about the lenghts of her previous rs and even the new one, with the replacement. I told my T about it, and also about why I have stayed for so long. He said that maybe I have a greater tolerance to stay more time than others, and maybe I am healthier then others, to not stay too much.

We are not less than others, we are just different. 

[downwhim]

I stayed 8 years, something I am not proud of. We broke up 3 times however, one time lasted 18 months. I came back because I loved him. I got hooked back when he would send little joke emails. So immature looking back... .

I think the reality was that I was addicted to him. I had so much anxiety every time we reconnected. I also had a sexual attraction to him that I could not let go of.

I now get tid bits of reality as I am coming out of the fog. I have started to see my role in the r/s and how I was the one choosing to come back. My codependency got the best of me.

We are all on this road for a reason. No matter how long we stayed we all wanted love and we all will continue to strive to be loved. Next time will be better prepared and hopefully get the real deal and stay clear of BPD's.