I feel extremely exhausted and depressed

[butterfly 27]

Hello 

My story begins when I met the sweetest girl on the internet, in the beginning everything was perfect, we had a healthy friendship until over time became a romantic relationship... .Since the beginning of our relationship, she said she was diagnosed BPD since he was 15, but I didn't care about it because I loved her. She had come from two failed relationships and I was his refuge. After a few months our "perfect relationship" became a hell ... .she began to lie and ignore me and go out with your friends to drink.

On 4 messes relationship she broke up with me saying she love me but did not want to be with me because I was one person negative in her life, but after a few weeks she told me she was torn between two guys, a guy was her ex and the other was someone new.

We were 4-5 messes without talking until one day she came back to me, saying that she love me and never forgot me and wanted to stay with me but she couldn't because she was with someone else and we continue to talk and I accepted her back  but a month later she became engaged and it broke my heart, I was desperate and  afraid of losing her again and I decided to talk to her about it asking for explanations and she told me she loved me and she was with this guy just because her parents  didn't know she was a lesbian, after a week she "broke up" with this guy, but the facebook status this guy continues as if they are still engaged and she says to me that they keep it because he is her best friend and he did not want to suffer the humiliation of asking someone to marry and break later.

In the middle of the story she met a girl, at first she told me it was just friendship but she started to ignore me constantly and when her returned to talk to me said that he had had sex with this girl but it was just lust and she loved me and wanted to stay with me ... .

Now I feel completely exhausted and confused with all... .

When I decide to break up with her and move my life forward she becomes the sweet girl I knew and convince me to stay with her because she loves me and wants to be my girlfriend. I feel stuck in my own prison and I don't know what I do. Help me?

I feel I do not have respect in this relationship and that she plays with my heart as a child plays with a toy and then get bored. I am depressed because of that and I feel extremely lonely.

(sorry for my bad english and the long text, I ask for your understanding please)  :'(

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[janey62]

Hi Butterfly,

It sounds as if you've been through a really tough time and have good reason to feel exhausted and depressed... .  I began on this site in a similar state over a year ago and was so glad to find bpdfamily... .

I can't advise you one what to do, it is your relationship and your journey, but I would suggest that you read as much as you can on here, other peoples stories, the lessons and articles because it will all help you to feel less alone and to understand what is happening to you.

My pwBPD loves me and then hates me and it goes on and on.  Over time I've gained strength and have been able to look after myself better.

Don't lose yourself, stay strong.     Keep posting on here (your English is fine by the way  )  and asking for help and it will come.

Janey

[waverider]

Can you live a relationship with someone who can't commit?

This is her current nature and it is unlikely to change in the near future despite any explanations  or promises.

Can you stay close yet at arms lengths? A constant but not always center stage?

You have seen where she is at, can you decide where you can be content to be?

This will take a lot of soul searching to work out who you are, what you value, and where you want to be (things you can control) rather than trying to work out who she is and what she wants, or who you can try to help her be (things you can't control).

[butterfly 27]

Can you live a relationship with someone who can't commit?

This is her current nature and it is unlikely to change in the near future despite any explanations  or promises.

Can you stay close yet at arms lengths? A constant but not always center stage?

You have seen where she is at, can you decide where you can be content to be?

This will take a lot of soul searching to work out who you are, what you value, and where you want to be (things you can control) rather than trying to work out who she is and what she wants, or who you can try to help her be (things you can't control).

It has a few months I'm trying to figure out who I am and where I want to go because I was living in accordance with her, I was very dependent  and it ended up leaving me completely exhausted and lost, but I stopped to reflect and come to the conclusion I couldn't keep living like this, if she really loves me as she says then our relationship will work but if it's just playing with my feelings so I'll have to follow my life on.

I just want to feel what most people want, which is a true and healthy love.

[butterfly 27]

Hi Butterfly,

It sounds as if you've been through a really tough time and have good reason to feel exhausted and depressed... .  I began on this site in a similar state over a year ago and was so glad to find bpdfamily... .

I can't advise you one what to do, it is your relationship and your journey, but I would suggest that you read as much as you can on here, other peoples stories, the lessons and articles because it will all help you to feel less alone and to understand what is happening to you.

My pwBPD loves me and then hates me and it goes on and on.  Over time I've gained strength and have been able to look after myself better.

Don't lose yourself, stay strong.     Keep posting on here (your English is fine by the way  )  and asking for help and it will come.

Janey

Hey Janey, 

Thank you for the support, I feel safer to talk about it with people who are or have been through something similar with your partner or ex BPD, I am reading many articles and real stories of people here or elsewhere, this is helping me a lot to understand better about it.

We have a relationship of ups and downs, in a week she loves me and is completely in love with me and another week she ignores me and is cold with me. I love her a lot but sometimes it's hard ... .

[waverider]

I just want to feel what most people want, which is a true and healthy love.

Do you believe a pwBPD can meet these needs fully, or are just just wishing she should be someone you want her to be rather than who she can be?

It is very common for a non to overestimate the potential of their pwBPD. This sets a benchmark they can't achieve, it scares them and they react in the only way they know, and that is to run

[janey62]

I figured something out!  This relationship makes me feel like I did when I was a child.  I have perfectly recreated all the dysfunctional relationships I had then, with my mother and my father... .he's all of it rolled into one, the love, the pain, the uncertainty and the inevitableness of it - and I'm part of it too. 

Even the feeling of loss and abandonment and grief and loneliness I have when he and I are apart as we so often seem to be is part of it, and so painful that it drives me back to him and more of the same... .He's not good for me and I'm not good for him.

I've decided what I want and it's not this. 

What I want is stability, kindness, communication, fun, no fear, predictability, love and friendship. 

Waverider is right, we have to decide what we're willing to accept.

Think about what you want and then look at what you've been getting, because it really won't get a lot better, she won't change much, and decide if you can live with that year in year out... . 

Hard times and harder decisions butterfly... .  I realise that my pwBPD can never meet my needs and in hoping for it I am putting an enormous burden on him.  Actually he's been trying to tell me that all this time but I kept telling him it would be ok, that we would be alright, but we won't, things are just getting messier and messier.  I have to let him go now... .:'(

[butterfly 27]

I also have problems that I have to fight for, I sought help in forum because I'm a lonely girl and have few friends. I got involved intensely with her because she was the first person who understood me and loved me regardless of my imperfections.

She wanted to start a new story in your life and I wanted to love and be loved ... .

I think BPD not hurt us to be bad people, they are afraid of love and intimacy but desperately want to be loved.

(just a thought, I'm sorry if my view is wrong)

[butterfly 27]

Do you believe a pwBPD can meet these needs fully, or are just just wishing she should be someone you want her to be rather than who she can be?

I believe that my relationship will always have ups and downs, but I'm still in this relationship because I have hopes that one day it will be better for me and for her too. I will not lie to anyone I'm still completely in love with her ... .

Today we talked and she told her parents that she was lesbian, it was a big step for her because she was afraid of their reaction.

[waverider]

I think BPD not hurt us to be bad people, they are afraid of love and intimacy but desperately want to be loved.

(just a thought, I'm sorry if my view is wrong)

Your view is not wrong, they are simply people who's personal interactions are dysfunctional, and they have trouble understanding and ordering their own emotions. The consequences of this is to develop very defensive and abrasive coping strategies, which negatively impact on others.

The message here is to teach us what we can, and cannot, do to nurture the RS back to a stage where it is at the least tenable and hopefully give it the best chances of thriving.

However we need to be realistic in our expections as to whether the best outcome is within our ability to live with in any sort of quality of life. Best intentions are simply not enough