Painted Black - Big Time

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just had a really bad time with my ex and need to get it out of my system. Here goes:

Together 30 years. I moved out in 2013. We've kept in contact as we have two kids - 20 and 22, plus neither of us could let go. Son with Bipolar. Have tried marriage counselling in that time. He painted counsellor black ( no surprise there). Any way I've spent a lot of time and energy looking at me, my issues how I kept the cycle going etc. I've started to find myself, my boundaries etc. He doesn't like that. Deep down inside I always hoped the sane husband would come back and maybe we could somehow be together. Logical me knew that wouldn't happen, emotional me wants that so badly.

Anyway Christmas comes. I see him Xmas morning, the kids have gone NC. He flips out Boxing day - Christmas did not meet his expectations of a family. He feels hurt, abandoned, unloved and goes into attack mode. He is off to lawyers:

1. He will no longer provide financial help ( he has been paying health benefits ) $ will be really tight now.

2. He is going to prove I'm an unfit mother (I'm the worst thing for our bipolar son - hate those accusations cause it plays on my fears of am I helping my son the best way I can.

3. Other claims -I am insane, going to be declared unfit at my work, going for spousal support, going to destroy me  etc etc etc.

4. If I contact him at all he will set the lawyers on me and go for every cent - going to leave me in financial debt etc.  A lawyer will be in touch some time in the future to give a settlement over the house.

I refused to engage in any conversations with him. Kept stating when emotions are not so high I am happy to talk about Christmas from both our views. He came round to give me more stuff. I restated I was not going to discuss, he said I left him no choice he is off to lawyers. On a positive when he left my son said - "Well done Mum you set a boundary and you stuck to it" Progress on my side!

I'm devastated. I've lived through worse attacks, he always has a Christmas flip out, this one is no worse than previous ones. I guess its the pain of some one you love so much and who has been a part of your life for so long saying those things to you, again. It's also final acceptance of its over. That tiny little ray of hope going out.

I hate this illness. I hate being on the receiving end of it all. I hate having to sift through the accusations trying to figure out what's valid and what's not, what part I played to help get us here, again. I hate having to fight to work back into a state of mind where I can accept I am not all those horrible things. I hate having to fight for my peace of mind again. I hate having this crazy link to him, the link that remembers the love and magical connection we had. I hate having to say good bye to him, to my dreams and hopes.

I need this to be over. I chose not to be part of this craziness any more. Untangling myself from this relationship has been such a long hard process.  I posted some where that 2013 I left my husband. 2014 the year of finding me. 2015 the year of moving forward. It's time I did. NC and lawyers it is. If he stays crazy it is going to be a very high conflict divorce. If he stays calm it will be fair. My guess is its going to be both at different times, depending on how he feels on that particular day.

Feel much better having put this out there. Thanks

[Tibbles]

Just had a really bad time with my ex and need to get it out of my system. Here goes:

Together 30 years. I moved out in 2013. We've kept in contact as we have two kids - 20 and 22, plus neither of us could let go. Son with Bipolar. Have tried marriage counselling in that time. He painted counsellor black ( no surprise there). Any way I've spent a lot of time and energy looking at me, my issues how I kept the cycle going etc. I've started to find myself, my boundaries etc. He doesn't like that. Deep down inside I always hoped the sane husband would come back and maybe we could somehow be together. Logical me knew that wouldn't happen, emotional me wants that so badly.

Anyway Christmas comes. I see him Xmas morning, the kids have gone NC. He flips out Boxing day - Christmas did not meet his expectations of a family. He feels hurt, abandoned, unloved and goes into attack mode. He is off to lawyers:

1. He will no longer provide financial help ( he has been paying health benefits ) $ will be really tight now.

2. He is going to prove I'm an unfit mother (I'm the worst thing for our bipolar son - hate those accusations cause it plays on my fears of am I helping my son the best way I can.

3. Other claims -I am insane, going to be declared unfit at my work, going for spousal support, going to destroy me  etc etc etc.

4. If I contact him at all he will set the lawyers on me and go for every cent - going to leave me in financial debt etc.  A lawyer will be in touch some time in the future to give a settlement over the house.

I refused to engage in any conversations with him. Kept stating when emotions are not so high I am happy to talk about Christmas from both our views. He came round to give me more stuff. I restated I was not going to discuss, he said I left him no choice he is off to lawyers. On a positive when he left my son said - "Well done Mum you set a boundary and you stuck to it" Progress on my side!

I'm devastated. I've lived through worse attacks, he always has a Christmas flip out, this one is no worse than previous ones. I guess its the pain of some one you love so much and who has been a part of your life for so long saying those things to you, again. It's also final acceptance of its over. That tiny little ray of hope going out.

I hate this illness. I hate being on the receiving end of it all. I hate having to sift through the accusations trying to figure out what's valid and what's not, what part I played to help get us here, again. I hate having to fight to work back into a state of mind where I can accept I am not all those horrible things. I hate having to fight for my peace of mind again. I hate having this crazy link to him, the link that remembers the love and magical connection we had. I hate having to say good bye to him, to my dreams and hopes.

I need this to be over. I chose not to be part of this craziness any more. Untangling myself from this relationship has been such a long hard process.  I posted some where that 2013 I left my husband. 2014 the year of finding me. 2015 the year of moving forward. It's time I did. NC and lawyers it is. If he stays crazy it is going to be a very high conflict divorce. If he stays calm it will be fair. My guess is its going to be both at different times, depending on how he feels on that particular day.

Feel much better having put this out there. Thanks

[Pingo]

That is a lot to deal with Tibbles, I'm sorry you are going through all this.

Do you think he will follow through with his threats?  Or is he blowing off steam trying to control you?  30 years is a long time to spend with someone, good for you for establishing boundaries with him and being able to follow through.  It must be so difficult when he's threatening you with lawyers and such.

I'm hoping 2015 brings you the chance to move forward!  Happy New Year!  

[Tibbles]

Thanks Pingo.

I really don't know if he will follow through. He is very unbalanced and is getting worse as time goes on. I'm feeling better as time goes on. I've taken over payment of health insurance. Changed addresses on things - something I've put off for ages. I'm moving on slowly. 2015 is going to be the year to move forward!

Hope its a good year for you too x x x