Are these BPD traits?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all. This is my story. Together for 3 yrs working together. It was affair but we talked many times of leaving our partners. For much of this time I was constrained financially but I worked hard to be able to leave. Most of time I felt as if I am on giving end of relationship. There were countless breakups. Sometimes she would make things unbearable for me and continually ignore me for weeks and months before I crack down and leave. Other times she would pick a fight over nothing, escalate it and then at its peak tell me never to contact her again. She would return few weeks or months later.

Many times she guilt tripped me over things that were and that were not my fault. There was no willingness to compromise or to do things I want. Whenever I would try to talk to her about our problems or propose to do something the way I would like it she would storm on me saying I am calculating, manipulating, pressuring her. After one or two sentences pointing to her part of responsibility she would yell on me to stop attacking her.

Lately (past 3-4 weeks) I started openly pointing to our problems and asking her to change something. She would either ignore me or immediately pick a fight saying that nothing is ever good for me and that I am too demanding and yelling on me to stop. She would then go silent for hours or days and I would initiate first. My requests were mostly things like better communication, solving our situation and spending more time together (e.g. 1-2 times per week without taking care about time).

Culmination of things happened few days ago. We agreed long time ago that by these holidays we will live together. Although she sabotaged every opportunity for this to hapoen she suggested that we spend few hours this Christmas in apartment of one of her friends. I could not do it. I felt it not fair towards me as I wanted us to live together by this time. So I said it to her. After that she stormed once again on me calling me liar, manipulative, saying that I am pressuring her and telling me we are done for good.

Stupid as I am and out of feeling of guilt I begged her not to leave. Yet, she kept pushing me away and saying that she will turn her mobile off over next days and she cannot talk to me anymore. Later she calmed and started talking with me. However, in her words everything was my fault. I was too demanding, I could not stop talking, I pressured her, I was calculating over everything etc etc. She kept repeating that this is going nowhere and she will never return back

Next evening text arrives. She apologized for being explosive night before but added that it was because I did not stop talking and the rest was out of her control. I replied that I think we both made mistakes and I am sorry too. There was no reply and she stayed silent ever since.

Are these BPD traits? If they are, is this another episode or am I permanently painted black?

[bpdabused]

Hi all. This is my story. Together for 3 yrs working together. It was affair but we talked many times of leaving our partners. For much of this time I was constrained financially but I worked hard to be able to leave. Most of time I felt as if I am on giving end of relationship. There were countless breakups. Sometimes she would make things unbearable for me and continually ignore me for weeks and months before I crack down and leave. Other times she would pick a fight over nothing, escalate it and then at its peak tell me never to contact her again. She would return few weeks or months later.

Many times she guilt tripped me over things that were and that were not my fault. There was no willingness to compromise or to do things I want. Whenever I would try to talk to her about our problems or propose to do something the way I would like it she would storm on me saying I am calculating, manipulating, pressuring her. After one or two sentences pointing to her part of responsibility she would yell on me to stop attacking her.

Lately (past 3-4 weeks) I started openly pointing to our problems and asking her to change something. She would either ignore me or immediately pick a fight saying that nothing is ever good for me and that I am too demanding and yelling on me to stop. She would then go silent for hours or days and I would initiate first. My requests were mostly things like better communication, solving our situation and spending more time together (e.g. 1-2 times per week without taking care about time).

Culmination of things happened few days ago. We agreed long time ago that by these holidays we will live together. Although she sabotaged every opportunity for this to hapoen she suggested that we spend few hours this Christmas in apartment of one of her friends. I could not do it. I felt it not fair towards me as I wanted us to live together by this time. So I said it to her. After that she stormed once again on me calling me liar, manipulative, saying that I am pressuring her and telling me we are done for good.

Stupid as I am and out of feeling of guilt I begged her not to leave. Yet, she kept pushing me away and saying that she will turn her mobile off over next days and she cannot talk to me anymore. Later she calmed and started talking with me. However, in her words everything was my fault. I was too demanding, I could not stop talking, I pressured her, I was calculating over everything etc etc. She kept repeating that this is going nowhere and she will never return back

Next evening text arrives. She apologized for being explosive night before but added that it was because I did not stop talking and the rest was out of her control. I replied that I think we both made mistakes and I am sorry too. There was no reply and she stayed silent ever since.

Are these BPD traits? If they are, is this another episode or am I permanently painted black?

[fromheeltoheal]

To me it reads like a relationship with lots of drama and one that wasn't working out, but I don't necessarily see flagrant BPD traits.  Look in the Answers tab at the top of this page; there are a lot of articles there that will speak to your situation, and then you can decide.  We aren't qualified to diagnose anyway, but if you read a bunch of things you connect with they will be helpful.  I'm sorry you're going through that, and congratulations for digging into it and trying to find answers.

[bpdabused]

To me it reads like a relationship with lots of drama and one that wasn't working out, but I don't necessarily see flagrant BPD traits.  Look in the Answers tab at the top of this page; there are a lot of articles there that will speak to your situation, and then you can decide.  We aren't qualified to diagnose anyway, but if you read a bunch of things you connect with they will be helpful.  I'm sorry you're going through that, and congratulations for digging into it and trying to find answers.

Thanks for your suggestion. I went through numerous sources trying to understand what is wrong with my relationship before I ended up here. Tonight I realised that she keeps tabs on me online every day since our breakup. Her facebook profile picture is one of us. I find it hard to relate this with rage, hate and determination to never be with me again she expressed during our last conversation. Is this typical for BPDers?

[fromheeltoheal]

To me it reads like a relationship with lots of drama and one that wasn't working out, but I don't necessarily see flagrant BPD traits.  Look in the Answers tab at the top of this page; there are a lot of articles there that will speak to your situation, and then you can decide.  We aren't qualified to diagnose anyway, but if you read a bunch of things you connect with they will be helpful.  I'm sorry you're going through that, and congratulations for digging into it and trying to find answers.

Thanks for your suggestion. I went through numerous sources trying to understand what is wrong with my relationship before I ended up here. Tonight I realised that she keeps tabs on me online every day since our breakup. Her facebook profile picture is one of us. I find it hard to relate this with rage, hate and determination to never be with me again she expressed during our last conversation. Is this typical for BPDers?

Borderline personality disorder is a very specific list of traits, plus the traits are on a continuum and often comorbid (combined) with the traits of other disorders.  Plus, we're not professionals anyway.  Relationships can be messy in general, and if one doesn't work out some weird behaviors can show up when people get emotional, but I'm not seeing anything that screams "BPD" yet.

The best thing you can so is read the articles under "Answers" at the top of this page and read a lot of posts in threads, and if you're like most of us, you'll read things you could have written and the lights will come on, you'll suddenly connect with folks who share your story.  I started by googling "psychopath" and turns out my ex is not one, but that was the start of research that led me here, where BPD fits her perfectly, and that discovery was very freeing for me.  Hope you have a similar experience somewhere.

[Pou]

My opinion is that it is not necessary BPD.  Is she still with her husband and you left your wife already?  If her husband/partner is still in the picture, that could explain lots of her behaviors.  Which are probably dictated by her husband/partner and then to you, her behaviors would seem to be PD like… I believe PDs usually take out on person who is closest to them… in this case, probably will still be her partner if she hasn't separated yet.  If you suspect she has PD traits… or even not, just feel not being treated right in a relationship, PD or not, it is time for you to move on.  No need for drama that you don't need.  Unless you like the theatrics that she provides.  Good luck and remember, if the relationship is wrong, she doesn't have to have PD for you to move on.