BPD send surprise text after NC, How to respond? Please translate this

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone, I hope you all made it through the holidays, and are starting your new year right! I got this text from my animal rights activist BPDmom who went NC with me after my cousin mentioned that I like to hunt (he didn't know my mom was an ARA). She at the time went ballistic and called me screaming. She wanted me to denounce that I have and will ever hunt again, and I was like "this is really silly". Then she told me I was her worst enemy and all this terrible stuff about how I was a murder. So NC since summer, now this text... .Please translate this for me? I havent written her back and I will take as long as it takes before I do. My wedding is in April and I have not invited her and already made my peace with not inviting her... .Could she be trying to worm into my life for that? I feel trapped, as I always do with her.


"Hi [coldNheartless] of course I have been thinking about you a lot as always I would like to try to have a conversation with you that is sane. I would like to ask you some specific questions about your life and lifestyle I've given a lot of thought to whether or not I should have not have you in my life or if that's the right or wrong thing to do . I think I should at least find out exactly the answers to my questions before I decide that either way it is a terrible thing to not be connected to your only child give me a call sometime when you have time to talk and you are alone Thanks happy new year"

[coldNheartless]

Hello everyone, I hope you all made it through the holidays, and are starting your new year right! I got this text from my animal rights activist BPDmom who went NC with me after my cousin mentioned that I like to hunt (he didn't know my mom was an ARA). She at the time went ballistic and called me screaming. She wanted me to denounce that I have and will ever hunt again, and I was like "this is really silly". Then she told me I was her worst enemy and all this terrible stuff about how I was a murder. So NC since summer, now this text... .Please translate this for me? I havent written her back and I will take as long as it takes before I do. My wedding is in April and I have not invited her and already made my peace with not inviting her... .Could she be trying to worm into my life for that? I feel trapped, as I always do with her.


"Hi [coldNheartless] of course I have been thinking about you a lot as always I would like to try to have a conversation with you that is sane. I would like to ask you some specific questions about your life and lifestyle I've given a lot of thought to whether or not I should have not have you in my life or if that's the right or wrong thing to do . I think I should at least find out exactly the answers to my questions before I decide that either way it is a terrible thing to not be connected to your only child give me a call sometime when you have time to talk and you are alone Thanks happy new year"

[Rbrdkyst4]

I translate it as:

"Me me me me me... .you are insane. Me me me ... .I'm going to challenge you to justify yourself to me in order to see if you are worthy of being in my presence. Me me me me me... .you are still a child. I want to corner you when you're alone when I challenge you."

That's how I see it

[littlebirdcline]

Perfect example of how BPD parents think that if their children aren't exactly like them, they are rejecting everything about that parent.  My BPD mom is not this extreme, but suffers from this a lot.  I think the subtext is: " I have punished you for a while now, and I'd like to see if you've come to your senses and now agree with me.  If you do, we can begin contact again, after you apologize for hunting and promise you will never do it again."  I could be wrong, but it reads that way to me.

[littlebirdcline]

And if she's like my mom, even if you did apologize and promise never to do it again, she would still throw it up in your face for years... .

[losthero]

I say call her.  Be honest about your values.  Parents love is unconditional at least its supposed to be.  Its a test, if you may.  If she can accept YOU or not.  Her choice.  YOU can not make her accept you.  She has to find that within.

[Harri]

Hi there.  Yeah, I agree with the others.  It sounds like she is going to test you with some questions to see if you fit in with her values.  As losthero wrote, a parents love is supposed to be unconditional, and it does not seem she is capable of such a love.

The thing is, a childs love is not unconditional, at least not in my opinion.  If it were me, I would call her but I would tell her that if she can not accept me as I am then I do not want her in my life. 

I feel trapped, as I always do with her.

Turn the tables on her.  My mother pulled the same crap after I moved out of the house.  She gave me a lengthy silent treatment, trash talked me, used my father and brother against me and then pulled the whole crap talk about "if I loved her I would... ." and said I cared nothing about her and her values, blah blah blah.  All this after telling me she was still hurt but wanted to try to work things out for The Family.  I changed it up and told her pretty much what I suggested here.  I was scared, but I was even more angry and hurt and determined to stop playing the game and letting her intimidate me.  It was a turning point in my relationship with her and it let her know I would no longer allow her to pull her crap.

Call her.  See how it plays out and remember you really do deserve far more than the conditional crumbs of a relationship she may offer if you respond to her questions in just the right way. 

Change it up.   

[coldNheartless]

 everyone! Thank you for your support and different views, I value them all and really am thankful for the input. I am making sense of this text, and have not responded as of yet. I am feeling a little bit of power in not responding. If I start a dialogue with her I know she will somehow manipulate me into FOG and get her invite to my wedding.

I see really traditional BPD tricks in this text, she makes you hurt and feel for her by saying "she thinks of me a lot as always". She teases me with the idea of having a "sane conversation" though I already know she is not interested in that... .the last contacts I had with her were absolutely toxic and verbally abusive. This is a classic push and pull, love you/ hate you, come to me so I can abuse you. I have PTSD from my Mother, growing up as only child and full time in her *care*. The longer i think about this text the more I want to run to the hills or respond in anger and truth.

I am putting together my own translation that goes like this... .(PS sorry for the red highlight in the first post, I didn't know it was that bright!)

            "I love you and miss having you to love and hate. I have thought about going back to loving and hating you but I don't know if I can stoop low enough to even have contact with you. MY superior morals are conflicted, on one hand it is bad to be a mother with no contact with her only child, on the other hand you are and have been unworthy of my love and are garbage. But I have punished you for a while now and would like to see if you are now ready to bend to my conditions and endure my love which is truly abuse in disguise. Call me when you have no support around so I can interrogate you at length, I want have me tell you everything I want to know, and decide if I want to throw you away again and how I can use it against you. F*** your New Year, I have my own New Year agenda"


An I being too dramatic? Maybe so, but this Mother is off the hook. Her final words to me were I was "a murderer, lower than trash, that I don't deserve to have a mother or live on this earth, and that she wished someone would drop me off in the woods and hunt me down." She said I was her "mortal enemy" and to "never speak with her again".

Seriously, thats what she said.

I did call my Gmom at Xmas, and stupidly asked Gmom to hand the phone to my mom who acted like she was a mute. She slurred the two sounds she made over the phone like she was completely drunk (but she doesn't drink).  I felt very sad after that and kinda broke down, but pulled it together after a few hours.

Gmom calls my mom her hero  , and protects her at all cost, its rather disgusting, but I have gone NC with Gmom before and I fear she will not live forever.

Anyway, thank you again. Love to you all and may your new year be merry and bright. I am shedding the skins of abuse this year and starting my family!

[coldNheartless]

Just found the link on "Splitting" how perfect! https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

[GeekyGirl]

Hey coldNheartless,

I'm curious, now that you've had a day or so to think about it, what did you end up doing?

Gmom calls my mom her hero  , and protects her at all cost, its rather disgusting, but I have gone NC with Gmom before and I fear she will not live forever.

I know all about the Gmom issues--my grandmother said some similar things in the past. I had to tell her many times that my relationship with her is separate from my relationship with my parents, and I didn't want to discuss my parents with her. It took many tries, but eventually my grandmother got the idea and stopped bringing them up when I saw her or talked to her. There's some information on here about the Karpman Triangle that I think you'd relate to: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0.

As for how what do with Gmom, I just wanted to offer a little (unsolicited) advice. I was really torn about how to handle my relationship with my grandmother, and my therapist (T) encouraged me to keep calling her, but stick to my "don't discuss Mom and Dad" boundary. I was able to see her and talk to her, and a few weeks ago, DH, DS and I had a lovely visit with her, where we laughed and told stories while decorating her Christmas tree. She passed away last week.  :'( While I'm so sad she's gone, I'm so grateful that I had followed my T's advice to not cut off my grandmother and to really reinforce my boundaries, because we both would have missed out on some great times. I know it's hard, but if your Gmom means a lot to you, it's worth the work.

Hang in there. 

[coldNheartless]

Hi GeekyGirl,

Thank you for your story, my followup is dreary, so if your in an awesome mood, don't read on, it may spoil your day! I am always glad to hear when people follow through with their commitment to a family member who is passing. I too will one day face that challenge and I worry about the best thing to do. I am glad that you felt a sense of peace from your choices.

Well I did not respond to my BPDmom. I decided that she sent the text because she wanted to 'buy a ticket on her emotional rollercoaster' for 2015. With 4 months to go before my wedding I think that the only way for me to engage with her is if she starts out with an unsolicited apology. I am still feeling angry about it overall but it is fading. She is such a small tile in my life that everything I surround myself with just swallows up her allotted portion.

My Gmom. She emailed me and had all this nice stuff to say as always, about how lovely their new years eve dinner was and blah blah. I very much have wanted her to gratify me with an acknowledgment of my mom's diagnosis. Perhaps it gives her power knowing that I want that, and so she with holds, perhaps she truly does believe that my mom is ok. So I responded to the email with all the things I have been going through, we got robbed the night after Christmas and I am spending a bunch of money on court fees for a different case and the defendant has skipped town... .generally these little things have been getting me down and I shared that with her. (By the way Mom lives in Gmom's house.) Then I shared that BPDM sent a text on Mew years day and I disclosed the full text, followed by the description of "Splitting", including the part describing the person who supports and gives stability to the BPD person. My Gmom is that person to my mom, and I felt the need to share it. I haven't heard back  I am certain that I have rubbed her the wrong way.

I used to be NC with both M &GMom but I have connected with Gmom for the past year. I used to feel guilt that she might grow old without us being friends, but she has not been a friend to me, she does not care for me. She is a selffish person. She is old and dingy now, her conversations go on and on, and I feel less connected with her. She says things like "one day we will all sit together on my porch and everything will be ok". She takes no responsibility for allowing my mom to be her "pet". Overall I am disgusted by them both for being children and letting our relationships go sallow. I am insulted by my 'pacifist' emotionally lazy Gmom, and at this point don't really care if I hear from her for a while, which I won't because I am the one who actively calls her.

The person I talk to over the phone is a voice and is connected to the husk of sweet memories of my childhood, but come to think of it, she wouldn't have gone out of her way for me as a kid either, I always came to her.

I am sorry to say I feel very negatively towards my relationship to them both. Other wise my home life is awesome and happy, my guy is my rock and I just got a gym membership!

In a way they have become the outside world to me, it is harder and harder for them to hurt me than in the past.

I will still send an invitation to Gmom for the wedding, hopefully she will politely decline. There will be none for mom.

I hope this isn't too dreary. Thank you for your inquiry, it feels good to have someone out there who wants to hear the end of the story, that in itself is VERY gratifying.

[Ziggiddy]

I didn't find that dreary at all, c'n'h. In fact I found it incredibly inspiring and encouraging.

You are taking control of your decisions and being influenced by your ability to reason logically rather than be influenced by someone else's version of truth.

This is particularly important when there is that 'rosy coloured' idea -

She says things like "one day we will all sit together on my porch and everything will be ok".

... .but without any input from her, or effort on her behalf I take it?

Seems to me the between the lines reads "You come fix it, c'n'h. Then it will all be nice.'

I can see from your concerns about affecting other people's moods here just how much you have been made to feel responsible for other people's feelings. that wasn't fair - you were the child and the grandchild - people should have been taking care of your feelings - looking after you not the other way around.

i think you have showed more courage and insight than I would have in the same situation and I am so happy for you to have done that work. It''s hard but you did it. you figured it out.

When you weren't sure you tested the grounds. That's a great way to deal with your conscience - working within a framework of compromise and balance. precisely what your mother never taught you to do.

Well done. Go you!

Oh and congrats on the decision to start a new family - all the best with that 

Ziggiddy

[coldNheartless]

Good morning Ziggigdy, Thank you for your input!

This thread is helping breakthrough. I look at the beginning where I started and see a lot of progression through each post. I am finding this board has been a great follow to all the therapy I have had over the years. In T, I could barely make it past the pains from each question and answer to find a response... .but here, becuase there is so much support and people going 'oh my gosh, that happened to me too!' and there is so much time to review the question (and get over the reaction to it) to respond thoughtfully. WOW.

"She says things like "one day we will all sit together on my porch and everything will be ok".

... .but without any input from her, or effort on her behalf I take it?"

Exactly! So one day I will wake up and forgive their transgressions with no apologies needed, and they will never have to better themselves or change, I'll just cave as we near the proverbial end.   Hah!

Thank you for the support. You know, it doesn't feel like winning until someone who has been through it points it out. Its funny, I know that I have reached a place where I am safe. I will no longer be emotionally molested, manipulated or abused when I take this road, but it often feels like a loss. I have lost out on them, of course I know this is due to their direct actions. They lost on me, by giving up on themselves, when they gave up on learning to behave appropriately.

Yes it is a loss to not have a Mom at a wedding, and how sad for everyone, but knowing that no one will abuse or manipulate or guilt me (or my guy or guests! All very likely scenarios!) on my wedding day is a WIN!

I can see from your concerns about affecting other people's moods here just how much you have been made to feel responsible for other people's feelings.

my guys says I do this, and I never realized that it maybe a {haven't figured out yet, unusual? a but much? Good? Who knows yet}... .Ill chew on that next.

Thank you so much and have a great day!