Push cycle and i'm the difficult one here.

[Haye]

We are going through a rough time. Clearly a push-you-away part at the push and pull cycle and it seems to me he is doing his best to keep things as nice as they can be, while he is feeling like he is. And I'm the one making a scene... .

He has been distant for something like two weeks now. It's a familiar thing, unfortuantely. One example is that he comes to bed around three in the morning, or sleeps in the sofa. He's a bit dysregulated otherwise as well, not too badly though. I know what triggered this (on top of christmas holidays) and I know it usually takes about three weeks for things to get more normal.

We have talked about this and it's like he is the one validating me  . For example I told him I worry he is chatting with his exes and falling back to his old habit of starting with one of them again. He was very calm and reasonable, saying he fully understands why i'd feel this way ("as i have given you plenty of reason previosly" and reassuring me that this is not the case, that he just plays and online roleplay game. I even continued to challenge him and asked if he thinks he is able to know when he is just talking to people and not flirting, and he replied calmly that yes.

This is quite embarrasing really. It feels like i'm the one with abandonment issues  . I react to his distance by distancing myself as well, and feeling hurt by his behaviour. Yesterday i was so close of yelling at him and throwing him out of the house (i felt i can't deal with alone in a relationship feeling), luckily i did manage to swallow my anger. It's so stupid. Even though i know what triggered it and know that i can't hold it against him really. Even though i see he is trying hard to not let this phase draw us apart.

I know I should just sit this one out, but i seem unable to and i don't know what to do. My brain keeps saying that this is likely to be over in a couple of weeks, but it seems my heart is not listening.

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[maxsterling]

I know how you feel.  Sounds like he is a bit self aware.  My wife is self-aware, and that often throws me for a loop. 

In my situation it works like this - she starts on her critical or hurtful behaviors, I start building up some resentment and frustration, I start feeling like I need an outlet, to enforce a boundary or say something.  Then she will make statements that she is self-aware that she is a difficult person to deal with.  I still have the resentment, but feel I have no constructive outlet for that resentment because she now has admitted to her issues.  And I'm left feeling like the crazy one. 

It's hard to just let it go, but I think that is what has to be done.  Just be thankful he's not angry and raging, then find a way to take care of yourself and do your own thing.  I usually find a hobby or some yard work to do to get my mind off things.

[Haye]

Thank you, MaxSterling! Yes you're right, he's quite self aware. And like you wife (if my memory serves right) my SO, if critizied a lot falls quite easily to self-harm or such. It's not for show or blackmail, it's the way he reacts.

So trying to cope here, not complaining too much as I don't want him to be both distant and self injuring. And actually I'm starting to feel a bit more hopeful (stable?) today. I think the holidays have not really made this easy as we have spending more time together than usually. Going to spend a couple of days apart after New Year's, could do us both some good.

[Haye]

Oh crap .

I suspected something was going on. We spend some days apart, he was off to meet an old friend of his. What happened was that he did meet that friend and also two girls she had found online. No sex, just meeting them and talking but... .*sigh*.

We have discussed about it, I told him I wasn't too happy. Thing is - i don't like him having some fling, no, but what I bugs me more is that he was secretive and sort of lying. Yes something that's typical to BPDs. He's made a lot of progress and I know well that huge progress also means some relapses will occur. This is a first one in a long time, almost a year since the last episode.

And this time he'll go through what happened with his therapist.