new here and on edge

[stephanie112]

Hello everyone... .

I am new to this site and I am looking forward to honesty that this site has to offer. I believe my boyfriend has BPD but he has not been diagnosed as his new thing is that all therapy is stupid and that he doesn't believe in mental illness. I am at a point where I need you decided if this is something that I am going to be able to get through with him and allow our family to suffer through his rages.  I guess right now it is just one day at a time!

Thanks and look forward to hearing more and learning more!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Sadly he is in denial even if he isn't BPD. To not believe there is no such thing as mental illnesses is well, frankly, absurd. That should be a major red flag for you and you might consider speaking to a counselor to get a grasp on how to deal with a person in that kind of denial. They possibly could guide you as to how to at the very least get him into reality with that assertion.

[stephanie112]

Yes I 100% agree with you.  I actually start seeing someone tomorrow.  It's crazy bc three years ago he went to counseling acknowledged his depression took meds and was a different person.  Now he has stopped taking his meds and says that he will do some couples counseling with me but even if he does will it be worth it if he won't even acknowledge that there is any kinda problem or even be open to it.  I know that the only person I can change is myself and that's what I need to do. I need you stop getting walked all over and stop walking on eggsheels!

Fun fun fun

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Stephanie,

Welcome aboard.  Coping with rage certainly is not fun and really frustrating.    Besides the rage, what other behavior are you having difficulty with?  

Seeking help or acknowledging mental illness is hard for many people; especially those possess BPD traits. Many times, it is hard for a pwBPD to admit and recognize their behavior. It is common for a pwBPD to use coping mechanisms to divert or avoid difficult topics.  Here is an article that can help you with a better understanding.

Article 6: Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder

There are many wonderful tools on this site that help with learning how to communicate more effectively with your bf.  A great place to start is to look at the lessons on the right side.  

You are not alone.  You will find by reading the stories on this site, that many people have similar stories.  Keep posting.  It really does help.

[stephanie112]

Thanks for that info I will look into it. The rages is one of the major issues and that are getting worse. But the other is his complete lack of respect and responsible at home... .Well here is the newest thing that has happened to give you an example of what I am talking about... .I had a procedure done last Wed that if I drove myself then I couldn't be put under... .just have local around the injection site (a 4 inch needle through my muscle)and I told my boyfriend what was going on.  He said we'll if I didn't have such a crappy job I would try and get off but I do so I can't. Well his dad wound up taking me bc I told his mom what was going on (an hour drive for them to get to our house) ... .ANYWAYS... .I am upset bc he called into work on Fri just because he didn't feel like going. He can take off work just bc but not when I am I am having minor surgery even just to take me and then go in. Why would you do that? I just don't get it... .Why would you not be able to be 2 maybe 3 hours late to work but can call in? It really hurts my feelings!  Then on top of it... .He didn't outta his chair all day. I had fed our animals (pigs chickens cows cats and dogs) and taken care of the kids... .NOW REMEMBER JUST HAD THIS PROCEDURE DONE IN MY LOWER BACK AND I AM STILL HURTING PRETTY GOOD!

And on top of it that night he started to feel sick and stayed that way all weekend. And I even started to feel yucky on Sun on top of being in pain from the procedure but still did all the chores even after he said he was feeling better... .He didn't even offer to help. I know that I could have said hey will you do this or that but I was so worried about what his reaction would be and I knew he would be home all weekend and didn't want it to be any worse then it already was bc he is a huge grumpy baby when he is sick! But how come when I am sick or just had surgery I am still expected to do everything but if he is sick everything has to revolve around him? I know I need to put me first but how? I am just at a place of ahhhhhhh right now... .

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry that you were not validated or supported while going through your procedure.    I hope you are feeling a little bit better.

Have you directly told him how his indifference has hurt you? A great start in putting yourself first is to set boundaries and discuss how you feel. Using communication tools are very helpful in addressing your needs without triggering him.   

[stephanie112]

Well that's the part I haven't quite figured out yet! If I try to talk to him about anything that is even a little tiny bit on the negative he gets all upset and defensive and doesn't end well or ends with me apologizing. He just take anything that holds him accountable for his own actions that affect me or the family. It is always someone else's fault or if he decides to take blame he is just a piece of crap that can't do anything right.  That he just treats everyone like crap. Just goes no where or is better for a fees days maybe even weeks and then right back where we started.

[EaglesJuju]

The lack of responsibility or accountability is part of the disorder unfortunately. With communication tools and boundaries, you have the ability to stop making things worse and learn how to improve the situation.  Here are a few links to help you get started. 

Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth