Why do you stay?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey kind folk,

We've been back-to-back dysregulation, fighting, insults, and sad softness for a long time now. Though I keep signing up to stay, I'm wavering today... .big time.

Tell me, why do YOU stay? What keeps you striving for better? I could use a little inspiration right now.

Luce

[LucyH]

Hey kind folk,

We've been back-to-back dysregulation, fighting, insults, and sad softness for a long time now. Though I keep signing up to stay, I'm wavering today... .big time.

Tell me, why do YOU stay? What keeps you striving for better? I could use a little inspiration right now.

Luce

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I am staying today because today I take it one day at a time. I stay because I still have a lot of fear. I stay because of the many aspects that are good in the relationship even if it isn't always easy.

In my 20's I stayed because I was in love- the kind of idealistic love that isn't necessarily good love- and too damaged by my upbringing to recognize that the problems in my relationship were not temporary and not because of me. I thought I could fix them. I stayed because I loved him probably more than I felt I deserved to be loved.

I stayed because my self esteem was so low that I believed I deserved to be blamed for his moods or I blamed them on his stressful job. I stayed because there were many good aspects of him too, and he was so much better than my own family was, emotionally. I stayed because it was mostly all good and occasionally bad.

In my 30's I stayed because I was starting a family and I loved being a mom. There were constant arguments over him not helping with the children, but since he was the main provider, I accepted his belief that he didn't need to do more than that. Because I was focused on the kids, I didn't notice that he didn't seem to care for my emotional needs. I was sad that he had little interest in me romantically and blamed it on me, but I had to put the kids' needs first.

In my 40's,  I had a depressive episode. He didn't seem to notice or care.  I started therapy to try to figure out this mess. I stayed because the kids were becoming anxious too and we all needed stability. Once I was no longer focused on my H, he tried to make some changes, but not enough.

In my 50's my FOO dynamics became even more bizarre and I started to see through the FOG and discovered my mom had BPD. My kids got older which gave me the space to study more about my FOO and how it effects relationships. I realized that it was me that predisposed me to choosing the partner I have now- someone who is wonderful, and like my parents- both wonderful and emotionally disordered, but not as fully affected as my parents which gave me hope we could be healthier.

I stay because I realized that the only way to make change is to change myself. I stayed because at this point I had stronger boundaries and my H's behavior was making some noticeable improvements although I did not have illusions about the possibility of change.

I stayed because my H didn't have the behaviors that I would not be able to accept in a relationship such as substance abuse or physical abuse. I stayed because he has many good qualities and was good to the kids. I stayed because we still had good times together and good family times together and I realized that no situation is ever without issues and that the issues I have now are the ones I need to work on.

I stayed because I no longer accomodated certain behaviors and my H finally agreed to couples therapy. I agreed to attend 12 step codependency programs. I stay because I realize how emotionally damaged I was to accept being treated poorly was normal. I stay because I am still not sure of who I am or what I want. I need to work on getting emotionally healthy and after years of taking care of my parents, my H, and my kids, I am taking steps to take care of me.

I stay because I have emotionally matured enough to love him in a way that was good for him, not codependent love, and one that can accept that he is who he is. I know that this can also include learning to love and accept me.

I am doing this because I am willing to not know what will happen next if I stop my maladaptive codependent behaviors. If I get healthy emotionally, he may decide to stay with me or leave. Or I might stay or leave. I don't know. I am staying, but I'm making steps to not be a caretaker for people who are capable of taking care of themselves and I do not know what this will lead to, but I stay one day at a time. I stay because the good still outweighs the bad. I stay not with hope that he will change, but that I will change for the better.

[123Phoebe]

I stay because I've not met a kinder, sweeter, gentler or more sensitive soul. He's there for me and has not let me down when I've needed him most.  

An example being of losing my most beloved big old dog to old age and various ailments a couple months back :'(  I had worked it out with the vet a year prior that when the time came, we would let him die at home.  On the day "of", bf and I had plans to do something, early that morning my dog lost the use of his hind legs; something he rallied from a few months prior only this time there was no indication that he would regain the use of those poor old legs and he had fought the good fight long enough, couldn't put him through anymore.  Called the vet.  In the meantime, bf ran out and got him ice cream and beef jerky and we both loved on him until it was time.  After, I was a mess, bawling my eyes out, almost primal.  Bf helped the vet carry out my sweet baby, took care of all arrangements for cremation, paid for everything all while feeling just as awful as I did.  It was a really sad emotional day and he couldn't do enough for me and my dog.  

The next day he brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers, while we both cried and shared stories of his life... .

On New Years Day, he gave me another gift that he told me he didn't want to give me on Christmas because he didn't want me to be sad; it's a ceramic tile of a happy big old mutt that looks unbelievably close to my baby.  It's just unreal.

My bf is a wonderful person.  That's why I stay.

[maxsterling]

I stay because I understand my wife's emotions, and she mine.  On that level, we really click, and I haven't found too many other people over the course of my life who understand or care. 

The problem is, I cannot in any way relate to my wife's reactions to those emotions. 

I stay in hopes I can learn to validate her feelings enough that she can better understand her reactions as harmful.  That means separating myself from her reactions (boundaries).  I see potential here, and not willing to give up.

[waverider]

Some previous threads on this topic

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=217325.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=158859.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=116985.0

the important thing is to reach a sense of clarity where you know it is a choice, and not an obligation, not through reasons of co dependance

[LucyH]

Thanks everyone... .and thanks, Waverider, for the links. I'm reading through them and it's becoming clear that I need a better therapist! I think my BPD and I are headed to Splitsville. My heart aches.