Deciding whether to have children with BPD spouse

[momtara]

I come from a place of understanding what a woman wants in terms of kids.  I desperately wanted babies all my life, and in your upper 30s, your window can close quickly.  However, she is young enough and unhealthy enough that you really have to push her to change things.  Don't be so eager to give her what she wants (in an effort for peace) that you make easy demands on her and go ahead with having children.  You both may have to wait a little bit.  Or it may not work out at all, or it may, but luckily she is 32 so you have wiggle room. 

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[Grey Kitty]

I realized I've got an interesting but very different perspective on this, and perhaps it will help someone.

My wife knew she didn't want children before we met. I was always OK with this. Her mother was an alcoholic, and didn't have much time/energy for her, or when her mom did have energy to send at her it was all too often in the form of terrible rages. She didn't want to do THAT to anybody else, and was afraid she would.

About 20 years later, my wife's BPD symptoms started getting worse... .  and it pushed me to change things... .  and then pushed her to change things... .  Now I would say she has cured herself of BPD. FYI, she did have a real turning point that felt very different from the times she got over an episode and split back to her "good" side. For the first time, it was clear that she really had a deep understanding of  what she had been doing, and she wasn't going to do it anymore.

Here's the interesting point... .  my wife is now past the age of being able to have children... .  and finally believes she could raise one without doing the sort of damage she was subjected to growing up.  Fortunately, we don't have real regrets about our choice.

[Tim300]

This is perhaps harsh, but I would absolutely not have a child with a pwBPD.  Here are some reasons, all of which I've witnessed:

(1) The child is likely to inherit BPD -- wrecking havoc on the child's life and the lives of others

(2) The BPD parent will likely alienate the child from the Non parent, making up wild accusations like sexual abuse

(3) The BPD parent will use the child as a pawn in a sick game of power against the Non

(4) The BPD parent will likely provide the child with the most awful parental guidance relating to all sorts of things, and will emotionally abuse the child

(5) The BPD parent will sabotage the child from becoming independent with a full-time job and spouse

I could not facilitate this with a clear conscious -- no matter how beautiful I might view by BPD spouse.   

[SlyQQ]

kids will make things worse not better and bad for kids too

[ForeverDad]

I posted earlier in this thread but wanted to add a couple additional insights.

Think of the subject of this thread, ":)eciding whether to have children with BPD spouse"... .Many members here never 'decided' to have a child, their spouse or partner just did it.  Some were told "I can't have children" or "I'm on the pill" - and the members ended up with a child, sometimes more than one!  Yes, no contraceptive method is foolproof or guarantees 100% reliability, but the success rate drops significantly with a spouse or partner who is willing to secretly sabotage you. :'(

I learned the hard way... .Having a child hoping for the spouse to feel better or feel more positive is not only having children for the wrong reason, it also vastly complicates parenting especially if/when the troubled relationship fails (or implodes).

[momtara]

I actually thought my exH's issues would get better if he had a kid.  There were certain behavioral things he got in line when we had kids.  However, and this is a big however, he couldn't control his anxieties.  If you have kids, there are a lot more things to worry about and things out of control.  And as mentioned previously, the kid is now an unwitting pawn in the whole dynamic you have - he/she is going to see the arguing, the tears, and the kid can be used against you, can be taken away from you, can be used to maintain engagement with you. 

A 32 year old woman has plenty more years to wait before having kids.  Don't rush in.

[SlyQQ]

do not use children born or unborn as a bargaining chip, nuff said

[Lady Sirrah]

I seems that you have already received a bunch of replies on how you should not consider having children. I would have to agree. Even if your wife did start BPD therapy (if she doesn't then there is no hope for a stable marriage) and you were starting to have a stable marriage, having children would/could be a whole new set of triggers.

I love my husband dearly and that is why I am staying to support and help him during his therapy (if he had not started therapy it would be over already) but I thank the lord above we have no children together and never will. He has three children with his ex-wife and that is hard enough. I have two kids from a previous marriage as well and mine are already out of the house.

I think that if she is aware of her anger issues then the logical side of her would definitely not want children, right? Is wanting children her way of trying to make things better for herself? I know that many BPs crave love and affection. If it is at all possible, could you get her a new puppy or kitty? It could be therapeutic for her if she likes them.

I don't think you should side step the issue; I think you should be very direct with her. She has to start hearing the truth and from you would be best. If and when she starts therapy for BPD she will respect your openness and honesty with her.

[ForeverDad]

I don't think you should side step the issue; I think you should be very direct with her. She has to start hearing the truth and from you would be best. If and when she starts therapy for BPD she will respect your openness and honesty with her.

I believe "be very direct with her" could be another way of saying have a clear stated boundary.  If we aren't clear in what we say or do then that leaves a wide range of interpretation up to the other person and that makes it too inviting for it to be interpreted or reinterpreted incorrectly.

Whether you are the best person to inform a pwBPD about issues may depend on the overall relationship.  In Staying we will assume you have at least some level of communication that isn't high conflict (contrasted with leaving or divorces).  One problem many here have faced is that the emotional impact of the relationship on the pwBPD is a barrier that is difficult to get overcome.  It all depends on whether the person will actually listen.

[momtara]

My H got a commitment out of me when we were trying, too - that I would do ALL the work for the kids.  At that point I wanted children so badly (it was when we'd been trying for a while) and I agreed.  Who knew he'd mean every little thing - he wouldn't even do the tiniest thing, and he very very rarely softened on it.  not only that, he made it harder by, say, waking me up in the middle of the night because I'd left a diaper in the bathroom... .interrupting my one hour of sleep when I was caring for the newborn.  You keep tiptoeing, agreeing to more and more stuff, and you get boxed in and eventually things come to a head.  I didn't know about BPD and didn't know to set boundaries.  And I was not in a position to bargain - we were married, we were trying for a baby, I wanted one.  Believe it or not, I really did do pretty much every little thing, including staying up almost all night for months.  It's lucky I was healthy enough to do it.

[momtara]

My reply doesn't say to not ever consider it, just not now - you'd have to see a real period of improvement first, and working on therapy.  Not a short time, a longer time.  If she wants kids and wants you to stay, she'll commit.